by Hamel, B. B.
I shrug, laughing with her. “It’s been long enough. Now it’s just funny.”
“Ah, youth,” she says, rolling her eyes. “We were really stupid back then, weren’t we?”
“Sure,” I say. “Not much smarter now, though.”
“I’m a mom,” she points out. “I’m as responsible as I’ll ever get.”
“True,” I conceded. “I’m an ex-hockey player with no job and no prospects. So I guess the opposite of you.”
She laughs a little bit but the smile doesn’t reach her eyes, and I’m not really smiling much, either. I think she can see right through my jokes, but she pretends not to.
“You should probably know, what we’re doing today isn’t much safer,” she says without looking at me.
“Been taking risks lately?”
She shakes her head. “Not really. It’s just… well, you’ll see.”
I nod and we walk on. I don’t know where she’s taking me, but I’m excited to find out.
As we come around the bend and angle toward the falls, I remember one more thing from the night we found that beer. I haven’t told her this part either, but it’s my favorite part.
After she was done throwing up and I was walking her home, she was leaning up against me, and we were holding hands. It was totally normal, holding hands and all, at least in that moment it felt that way. When we struck across the field toward Eleanor’s house, she stopped suddenly and looked up at me.
“You’re the prettiest guy I know,” she said, voice slurring.
I grinned at her. “Oh yeah?”
“Gorgeous,” she said, and laughed. “Isn’t that sad?”
“No, it’s nice.”
“Sad.” She shook her head. “Sad, sad, sad.”
“You’re not sad,” I said softly, looking down at her. She’s so small, sometimes it was easy to forget.
“Will you kiss me?” she asked, taking me completely off guard.
For a second, I considered it. We were friends, close friends, but I can’t pretend like there hasn’t been a flirtation there for a long time. She was beautiful and funny and knew me better than anyone else, and I almost did it.
We got so close. But then I smelled her breath. Stale puke and Miller Lite. I pulled back and she just put her head against my chest, groaning to herself.
“Let’s get you home,” I said, and we started walking again.
I don’t think she remembers that part, or at least we’ve never talked about it. I thought we might bring it up that night we finally slept together, but then things got so weird afterward, and it was hard to talk about anything anymore. I still don’t know what pushed her away so fast, but I’m starting to be able to make some guesses.
We come up to the falls and head right over to our usual spot. Instead of going down the rocks, we head off to the side, along the cliff. She steps next to a tree that’s barely holding on to the edge by its roots, right across from the waterfall itself, and looks back at me.
“Follow my lead,” she says.
I can’t stop her. She steps forward, grabbing onto the tree, and slowly lowers herself down.
“Addie!” I call out. I can barely hear myself over the rushing of water. I run over to the edge as fast as my hurt knee can take me, and look over the side.
Addie looks up at me, grinning. “It gets better,” she calls up.
I sigh, letting out a breath of relief. She’s on a rocky alcove, maybe five feet down. She starts walking along it carefully, heading over to the water itself. I grab the tree roots and use them to lower myself down onto the alcove, thanking whatever higher power I believe in when my feet touch solid rock.
I shuffle along behind her. I don’t look down. I have no clue how she found this spot or what the hell made her want to come down here, but this is by far the most dangerous thing we’ve ever done. She edges toward the water, getting way too close, before she looks back over her shoulder.
She grins and yells something. I can’t hear her. “What?” I call back.
She says something again, her grin even bigger, before turning forward and throwing herself at the water.
I gape before rushing forward. I don’t think as I follow her into the waterfall, terrified that she’s going to fall and drown. I don’t know what I’m going to do to save her if I fall right behind her, but I have to try.
Instead of falling, I stumble forward and slam into a wall. I’m soaking wet from where I passed through the water, but I’m still on rocky ground. The light’s dimmer here and the waterfall’s still rushing to my left, but there’s something else, something that opens to my right.
“I didn’t think you’d follow.”
Addie’s sitting on the ground, leaning back on her hands. “What… what is this?”
She grins at me. “Cave behind the waterfall. Pretty classic, yeah?”
I stare and sure enough, there’s a cave that goes back into the rock. It cuts sharply down, going pretty deep.
“How’d you find it?” I ask.
“Went exploring one day and saw that the ledge we were on just disappears into the water. So I sort of stuck my leg through while holding onto the wall… and felt this.”
“Shit, Addie.”
She shrugs. “I know, it was stupid. I was a little reckless when Cara was first born.”
I don’t ask her why. “This is crazy.”
“I know. It’s pretty great.” She grins, looking really proud of herself.
I laugh and watch the water rushing in front of us. It’s bizarre and magic and incredible, and I suddenly forget that I’m dripping wet. I don’t care if I can’t imagine how we’ll get out of there. All I can do is laugh at this amazing spot Addie found, and marvel at how incredible she is.
She grins along with me as I slowly sit down next to her. “Have you explored back there at all?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Haven’t been able to.”
“Dark,” I say, and she nods.
“Still can’t do it.”
“I understand.” We lapse into a short silence. Addie hates darkness, especially tight, dark spaces. It reminds her of her childhood.
We watch the water pour in front of us. “Do you still think about it?” I ask her suddenly.
She looks at me, and she doesn’t ask what I mean. I think she’s not going to answer for a minute, but slowly she sighs. “All the time,” she admits. “I don’t know why. Especially since Cara was born.”
“I think that makes sense,” I say. “You’re a mom now, and you’re remembering what your mom was like.”
“Yeah, maybe.” She squeezes some water out of her hair, fidgeting the whole time. “It used to feel like a dream for a long time, you know?”
I nod, but I don’t say anything. We’ve done this before, and she’s said this to me before. It’s like the old days all over again.
“Except lately, it feels too real,” she continues. “I have these dreams where I’m back down there. I can hear the mice, the dripping water, my parents fighting upstairs, all that stuff. I wake up freaking out.”
“You haven’t had nightmares in a while, right?” I ask.
She nods. “Yeah, I mean, not since like the first year away.”
“And this is all since your daughter was born?”
“Yeah, and I don’t know why. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to lock her in a basement for weeks at a time and starve her within an inch of her life.”
She says it so casually but I know how hard it is for her to even speak those words out loud.
“No, you’re not,” I say. “You’re never going to do what they did to you.”
“I’m afraid, though. That’s… in me.”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t work like that. What your parents did, they did. Something happened to make them that way. You won’t make those mistakes.”
“Mistakes,” she says, laughing a little bit, although it’s not funny. “Nice way of putting it.”
“You know what
I mean.” I pull my legs up to my chest, knee complaining. “You’re not going to lock your kids in the basement. And I’m not going to beat the shit out of my kids, whenever I have kids.”
She looks away from me, and I catch something in her expression. “I know you’re right,” she says finally. “It’s just strange, you know? Now that I have a baby, I can’t imagine what the fuck my parents were thinking.” She clenches her jaw and her fingers dig into the rocks.
I move across the space between us, putting my side against hers. We’re both soaking wet, but she’s warm against me. “They’re gone,” I say. “They can’t hurt you, and they won’t hurt your daughter.”
“Yeah.” She takes a deep breath. “You’re right.” She looks at me and shakes her head, smiling a little. “Sorry to dump on you like this. Whenever we’re together, it’s always such a pity party, right?”
“Right,” I say, smiling with her, although I don’t think it’s funny. “When’s the last time you talked about this stuff?”
“Not since the last time we talked about it.”
“You can’t talk to Eleanor?”
“She’s not good at listening. She always wants to give advice or talk shit on my parents. It’s just not helpful.” She sighs. “Her advice is always good, but sometimes I don’t want advice.”
I nod a little. “I hear you. What about a therapist?”
“I haven’t seen anyone since Dr. Joey, and she retired.”
“You’ve bottled it up. Seems safe.”
She grins at me. “Look who’s talking. Anyway, I found an escape. You’re sitting in it.”
“Real safe.” I nudge her and she laughs.
“Well, whatever. I feel better.” She looks up at me. “Thanks for listening.”
“Any time, Addie.” I hesitate. “Seriously, any time.”
“Yeah.”
We fall into silence again, watching the water pour down. I don’t know how long passes like that, our legs and shoulders touching in the small space, the cave opening up behind us. She finally sighs, stretches her legs, and stands.
“Let’s get back.”
“Sure.” I slowly get to my feet. “Lead the way, since I don’t exactly know how to get back up.”
She grins at me and steps back through the water. I follow her, and have a mini fucking heart attack as I do it. That’s freaky as shit, but we’re back on the ledge and she shimmies back over to the tree. There’s a rock jutting out from the wall that she steps up onto and uses that to boost herself up just high enough to grab onto a root. She pulls herself up and over and disappears up top.
I follow her lead, and although my knee’s screaming out in protest, I manage to scrabble up the side. She helps pull me up and we end up on the ground, twisted up together and laughing.
“Holy shit, let’s never do that again,” I say, her body against mine.
“Honestly, that was way more terrifying than I remembered,” she says. “I haven’t been down there in a few months.”
“I’m glad you brought me. But yeah. Never again.”
She grins and we stay there a second, touching and close, before I finally pull away and get up. I help her to her feet and we walk back together, at an even slower clip than before.
We make idle small talk, but it doesn’t feel like it did back behind the waterfall. It was like we were kids again and everything in the world was out to get us. We could talk about our problems and pretend like we were alone together, ignoring everyone else, a happy little island of two.
Now, though, we’re back on dry land, up where its safe, and somehow that feeling’s gone. Well, not totally gone, but muted.
“Thanks for doing this with me,” I say to her. “I had fun.”
“Yeah, me too.” She pauses a second. “I hate to admit it, but these hikes weren’t the same without you.”
“I know.” I grin at her one more time. “I’ll see you later, Addie.”
“See you.”
I quickly walk away from her, because I don’t want her to see the look on my face. It’s half desire, half longing, and she doesn’t need to know how I feel. I’m afraid it’ll just push her away when I’m finally getting her back, bit by tiny bit.
There are still a million problems bugging me, like why she wanted to push me away to begin with, but I can ignore that for now. I’m just happy she’s opening up and letting me listen.
Besides, she looked so fucking sexy soaking wet like that, I don’t think I could’ve been around her for another second without trying to touch her body. Maybe we’re just friends, but maybe there’s still that spark hanging between us. Maybe it’ll always be there, just waiting to reignite.
9
Addie
“You need to get a job.”
I look up, surprised, as Eleanor hovers over me at breakfast the next day. That night, after getting home from visiting that waterfall cave with Will, I fully expected to dream about the basement again.
Instead, I didn’t dream about anything at all. I slept soundly and deeply and didn’t wake up in a cold sweat like I have been.
I’m trying not to look too deeply into that. I still have some lingering resentments and anger toward Will, and he still doesn’t know that he’s Cara’s dad, but I can’t deny the way he makes me feel.
It’s safety, pure and simple.
“A job?” I ask her, blinking a little.
“What, you thought you could just hang around here forever?” She scoffs and heads over to the counter. She pours herself some coffee and crosses her arms. “Sorry, Addie, but it’s time.”
I lean back in my chair and watch her for a second. “Okay,” I say finally. “I guess I can get a job.”
“I know it’ll be hard. But luckily, you have me.” She walks over and sits down across from me, smiling big. I’m terrified of what she’s about to say. “I already set up a job interview.”
I groan and shake my head. “Come on, no way.”
“It’s a good job,” she counters, a little defensively.
“I’m sure it is, but I don’t want my aunt finding a job for me.”
She just shrugs a little, a smile on her lips. I call her my aunt even though she’s a cousin because it’s simpler than explaining our actual familial relationship, and cousin doesn’t quite describe it.
“Too late,” she says.
“What did you do?”
“I just made a call. Your interview is later today.”
“Eleanor!” I glare at her. “This isn’t funny.”
“Honey,” she says softly. “Cara is fine with Julissa. It’s time.”
I stare at her for a second, and I want to feel angry, but it’s hard. I know Eleanor’s doing this for my own good. I know she sees me sitting around the house, not doing anything, not going anywhere, and she knows as well as I do that I need something more.
I love my daughter. Of course I love her with everything I have. But Eleanor’s right, if I’m going to be a single mom, I need to be able to provide. I can’t bank on staying with Eleanor forever. I need to be able to go out on my own, have my own life outside of this house. This has been a long time coming, but she’s right, as much as I hate it.
“What’s the job?” I ask her finally.
She perks up. “A dear friend of mine, Teddy Cahill, owns a paper company.”
“Like in The Office?”
“Is that the show with the weird beets guy?” she asks, meaning Dwight.
“Yes,” I say. “The weird beets guy is in that show.”
“Then just like The Office, except this is a real place and there aren’t any crazy people there.” She hesitates a second, frowning. “That I know of.”
I can’t help but grin. “Okay, fine. What do I need to know?”
She smiles, clearly delighted. “I’ll prep you. Teddy’s a dear friend, so I suspect you already have the job. Just show up, be your normal, wonderful self, and you’ll get it.”
“Can I ask what I’ll be doing, exactly?�
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“Office administration,” she says, shrugging. “Whatever that is.”
I sigh. Eleanor doesn’t know what that means. I’ll be a glorified secretary, but I guess it’s better than nothing. My English degree isn’t exactly bringing in millions of dollars every year, and the longer I wait to get into the workforce, the harder it’ll be.
“Thanks, El,” I say to her. “I guess I appreciate this.”
“I’m sure you do.” She winks and leans forward. “Now, let me tell you all about Teddy and his company.”
* * *
Two weeks later, I’m sitting behind a desk at the Cahill Paper Company, staring at a computer that’s probably older than I am, and wondering what the heck I’m doing here.
Leaving Cara was harder than I thought it would be. I was looking forward to this right up until I had to actually leave her. I don’t think she understood that I would be gone all day, although Julissa and I tried to make her understand. She just smiled and hugged me and it broke my heart into a million pieces.
“How’s your first day going?” Teddy Cahill pokes his head out of his office and smiles at me. He’s a nice man, about Eleanor’s age, but he’s not quite as sharp as she is. I suspect he would’ve retired by now if it weren’t for the fact that he owns this company and doesn’t really need to do any actual work.
“Great so far, Mr. Cahill,” I say.
“Please, call me Teddy.” He grins his affable old-guy grin. “Let me know if you need anything at all. Any niece of Eleanor’s is a niece of my own.”
“Sure, thanks, Teddy.” He slips back into his office and I turn back to my computer.
My job consists of keeping track of client data and shipping. I’m basically taking all the paper sales invoices and inputting them into their ancient database system, which is a huge pain in the ass. I don’t know why they don’t just upload this stuff automatically, but I guess that’s just how they operate. It’s a small business, so I guess the small business touch is important.
I kill a few hours until I hear my phone vibrating insistently in my desk drawer. I pull it out and hesitate before answering.