by Xana Jordan
“You know how she gets. She’ll snap out of it eventually. She’s probably worried what you think about her leaving last night. Not to mention, what we talked about afterwards for you to call and check on her.”
“I suppose so, but this just feels different, bigger somehow.” She leans her head against my shoulder, where I place a kiss on her forehead.
“You just be you and be there for her whenever she needs ya. Let me handle this.” Nodding her head against my neck, she releases a deep breath.
“You’re something special, Cade Matthews.” Her quiet, heartfelt words leave me speechless. Noel is a lucky bastard.
This day has sucked so much that it doesn’t even matter that it’s Friday. My first professor of the day decided to give us a pop quiz over all the medical terms in the first five chapters, and I was so exhausted from my fight with Cade and lack of sleep due to my nightmares that I could barely keep my eyes open, much less concentrate on the questions. The next two classes I had, came with a ton of notes, chapters to read, and two different assignments that are due next week. After all of that, I went back to my dorm room to take a nap and ended up sleeping through lunch, nearly missing my afternoon lab class. Even the lab gave me fits, unlike usual. I was pretty late getting through with it, almost making me miss band practice. And that was even awful since it was hot as Hell outside.
Now, I’m sitting in one of the library’s closed audio-visual viewing rooms, normally used for watching films and videos, waiting for my therapy session with Lainey Cassiano to begin. I think I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been, and can’t seem to stop from shaking my leg against the floor. Last night’s dream, memories, have my mind on edge, preventing me from relaxing, even a little bit.
Lost in my own scrambled mind, I’m startled by the sound of Lainey’s Skype call. “Stacy, it’s great to see you today,” she smiles. “I was afraid you would change your mind about talking to me.” The relief in her voice puts me at ease, somehow, and I return her smile.
“I did think about it,” I admit, “but last night changed my mind.”
“I see,” she replies before going over her standard procedures, reciting the various privacy protocols to me, asking if I have any further questions when she is done. When I acknowledge I’m okay with being voice recorded so she doesn’t have to stop and write things down, we begin our session.
“Tell me how the rest of your week has gone, after talking to me last time.” She leans back on a striped sofa to listen, her legs crossed.
“It hasn’t been too bad really.” I pause to play with my shirt hem before continuing. “The dreams are still there. I remember them better when I wake up, now. After Xana and I were attacked last semester staying with Cade at night was the only thing that helped me sleep without them. Over the summer, though, he wasn’t there, back home, and I started running when they’d wake me up.”
She nods her head as I talk, her silence somehow helping me find the nerve to keep talking.
“My grandparents figured out I was out in the middle of the night and bought a treadmill for me to use.” Closing my eyes, I smile a tad, remembering how they fussed over me.
“How did that help?”
“It helped more than I hoped for. Now, though...now I can’t do either of those things. Running at night is too dangerous and I don’t have easy access to a treadmill or gym without leaving the dorm in the middle of the night. Not to mention, Cade, and even Noel, would kill me if I tried.”
“No, that is definitely not recommended,” she agrees, shaking her head to emphasize how bad an idea that would be. “What about staying with Cade? Didn’t you mention staying with him helped?” Isn’t that a good question? What about staying with Cade? How do I explain us to her?
“It does, did, until a few nights ago.” She frowns, cocking her head to the side as she patiently waits to hear more. “For some damn reason, it didn’t stop the dreams, the memories, from coming to get me,” I trail off, looking away from the laptop. Everything from last night comes rushing back at me, in vivid color, rocking me just like it did then. Everything seems out of focus and muted somehow.
“Stacy, stay with me and breathe,” she directs from far away. “You’re safe now, here with me.” Her voice grows louder as I shake myself out of those horrible memories.
“Cade woke me up. I scared him. I guess I was fighting him in my sleep.”
“What did he say?”
“I didn’t tell him about them. That’s why we fought, because I was lying to him and he called me out on it.” My voice begins to crack, tears stinging my face as they fall down my cheeks. She doesn’t say a word. No reprimand. No disappointed glances. Nothing. She simply lets me speak on my own time.
“The dreams were still so raw to me. I just couldn’t…,” I wipe my face with the neckline of my shirt then take a few deep, cleansing breaths. “The more awake I was, the more I remembered. The more ashamed I felt. So, I said some things that I really didn’t mean, and I ran. I ran away from the one person who cares the most about me, more than even I want to admit.”
She lets me have a moment to collect myself before saying, “You were scared and overwhelmed. That’s understandable. You had a tremendous amount of information to deal with, and I’m sure he’ll understand.”
“But I’ve mostly avoided him since then. I just feel so awful for acting the way I did. He’s never been anything but good to me.” Ashamed doesn’t even describe the way I’m feeling right now.
“I’m sure he has been, from what you’ve already said. Tell me more about your dreams, or at least what you remember so far.” Her smile has a gentleness that makes me feel at ease and I let myself do as she asks, opening up to the very things I’d like to forget forever.
“I remember flashes of different things, for the most part, nothing really complete. I remember being with my dad, and my mother was always gone somewhere. I remember wanting Granny, but she wasn’t there.”
For the next thirty minutes, she hears what I have to say, asking for details or clarification only on occasion, never once leaving me to feel as though she’s judging me. I never realized just how much I was bothered by these memory-dreams.
When our time is over, we schedule another Skype session, well, two actually, for next week, and say our goodbyes. Sitting back in my chair, I reflect back on everything we discussed to give myself a little time to absorb and process it all. Being in this quiet little room, tucked away from everyone and everything is rather soothing on my nerves. Maybe coming here for solitude can replace my need to run or stay connected at the hip with Cade.
Having spent enough time collecting myself, I check the time only to discover it’s nearly six o’clock and I have several missed texts from Xan, Cade, and Mallory. I’ve sat here, locked away for far longer than I’d thought. Quickly replying to them, I gather up my things so I can meet them for dinner. There’s no way I can avoid Cade any longer, and if truth be told, I really need him to hold me, letting him and our friends keep me out of my own head for awhile.
Xana and I have been over at the guys’ house since we ate dinner watching television and goofing off. Gavin, Mallory, and Dillon are here as well. It’s been quite an entertaining evening, and Dillon is in rare form tonight. I actually pity the girl he decides to date for more than a few weeks. His ego is big enough to sell the excess for a fortune. I hope he finds a girl that knocks him on his ass - before I end up doing it. Sometimes, I swear he just acts like a jackass just to piss me off.
“I can’t help it if I’m that much of a ladies man. The chicks love me. They know a hot guy when they see one,” he boasts, his self-image really having no boundaries.
“Arrogant, much?” Mallory glares, throwing her shoe at him. She barely misses his ear, but we all know she missed on purpose. That girl can throw like a demon when she wants. Gavin and Cade have the bruises to prove it.
“Watch the goods, Maleficent! Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful,” he chuckles, aggravating
her further with the nickname he has for her that he loves so much. Mallory, not returning the sentiment. We all have at least one nickname, some more than others. What is it with our group of friends and the refusal to use someone’s given name?
“In your dreams, Beiber Boy.” Her calling him that, causes Xana and I to giggle uncontrollably, every time we hear it, but immediately erases the smile from his rugged face. The guys laugh at him quietly, but Xana doubles over in Noel’s lap, continuing to laugh until she can barely breathe.
“Wasn’t that funny, Annie,” he mutters at her, using his Little Orphan Annie reference he’s so proud of. She absolutely hates that name. Having been called that all throughout elementary, and after what a girl from junior high with that same name put her through back then, I can’t blame her. Annie was the devil in a skirt; the epitome of a mean girl.
“Asshole,” Gavin reprimands him with a swift kick to the ribs as Dillon sits on the floor in front of him. I’m even a little pissed at that remark.
“Isn’t it time for you to go meet up with your latest arm candy and leave us ‘poor whipped jerks’ alone?” I shoot back at him when he rubs his side, glowering at Gav. He won’t play around with me. He knows I’ll get even when he’s not looking. I’ve done it many times. Cracks me up for days afterward. Such an easy mark.
“Whatever. I do need to go, though. Starr needs someone to escort her home from work safely.” He wiggles his brows in excitement as he stands from the floor.
“Escorting? Dude. I didn’t realize you were that strapped for dates or cash to resort to pimping yourself out. Surely there’s someone out there that can tolerate you enough.” Cade laughs as Dillon struggles for words, his face a bright crimson.
“Yeah, man,” Noel chimes in. “Five minutes isn’t that long to tolerate your annoying ass. Can’t they just close their eyes or something?” Well played, Caveman. Well played.
Xana, Mal, and I burst into laughter when his face turns murderous and he remains speechless. Cade gives Noel a high five behind my head as we sit on the couch laughing even harder.
“Screw you, fuckers. I’m out.” He grabs his keys and phone from the coffee table then storms from the house like an angry bear. As soon as the front door slams, the guys break into laughter right along with us.
Finally getting ourselves under control, Cade shifts to stand up, pulling me with him. “We’re calling it a night. I’m exhausted. Later.” Our friends tell us goodnight as he tows me along behind him to his room.
His behavior this evening is not what I expected. There’s been no mention of last night, yet he’s not exactly pretending it doesn’t exist, either. There’s a smidge of awkwardness between us, but he’s still my sweet, easy going Cade. That makes me feel more shame at running away and ignoring him like I did. I’m so awful.
Cade shuts the door behind us with his foot before pulling me to his chest. One arm around my waist, he uses the other to brush away a lock of blonde hair that’s strayed from the messy bun I’ve had it in all day. He does it so gently that his tender expression leaves me lost in his brown eyes, two pools of silky, rich chocolate I have never been able to resist. Not even from that first time in high school band practice when I first met him, have I been able to look away from those soulful eye. Now, they’re only more intense - my weakness.
“You’re tired.” It isn’t a question and I don’t mistake it for one.
Nodding at him in response, he places a chaste kiss on my lips, guiding me toward the bed before getting out one of his shirts I always sleep in. As we both get ready for bed, neither of us says a word. He’s so attentive to my needs, just like always, and I feel even more ashamed of my behavior last night. How could I have run out on him when he’s always there to take care of me?
Removing the band from my hair, I crawl into bed while Cade plugs up our phones and turns out the lights. He slides into bed alongside me, pulling me to his side, then tucking my head into the crook of his shoulder. One hand runs over my hair, slightly brushing my cheek, the other holding me to him with a firm, heavy grip on my hip. It makes me feel so sheltered, secure even.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper nervously, not quite sure if I want him to hear my words or not.
His breathing hitches before I feel his arms tensing around me, his hold on me tightening enough to almost be uncomfortable. His silence worries me so I continue, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I didn’t mean it.” My eyes close lightly in self-defense as I wait for his anger, but it never comes.
“I know, babe,” he says, breath blowing across my forehead. “You were scared, and my pushing didn’t help. I’m sorry, too.” His low voice breaks slightly, tightening the vice on my heart just a little bit more.
Shifting my weight, I lean up on my side to peer down to look at his eyes. “You have nothing,” I begin, only to have his hand cover my mouth.
“Yeah, I do.” He looks me over, searching, for what I’m not sure. “You have to know just how much you mean to me by now. Seeing you in pain...it guts me, babe. I realize I can’t always fix everything for you, but I still want to be there with you.”
“Cade,” I protest.
“No. Listen. Whenever you’re ready to let me in, I’ll be listening.” His hand leaves my hips to cup my cheek and I rest my face against it, then close my eyes. “Just remember that.” He places small, sweet kisses along my brow, them pulls me down and settles me back in the same position as before. It’s just how he wants me to be.
“Sleep,” is the last thing he commands, so I do, leaving him to watch over me while I dream.
September flew by and we’re already halfway through October. Stacy’s behavior just hasn’t been the same since that night we fought about her dream. Sure, she isn’t giving me the silent treatment anymore, but she’s also not around much to ignore me. She’s constantly making excuses for missing out on group activities, or calling our dates short for some lame ass reason. She and Xana probably see each other more often, but even then, Stace’s always coming or going somewhere she won’t divulge. She thinks we are clueless, but she forgets just how well we all know her. I know something is going on, bothering her more than she’s willing to admit. It’s pushing me nearer my breaking point in tolerance whenever she pretends she is perfectly fine, when she clearly is not.
The football team is doing fairly well this season, all of us anxious for the Homecoming game on Saturday. We’re playing our rival, the Arkadelphia Tigers, and this game’s gonna determine who will play in the district playoffs. I think even the faculty may be more excited than us, because they’ve cancelled a few assignments that were due this Friday.
“My last class was let out early so I went to workout already,” I answer when Noel asks Gavin, Dillon, and I to workout with him this afternoon. “Stace and I have plans for later.”
“Where is she, anyway?” Xan asks, looking toward the food lines for her. “She wasn’t in the room when I left. She was supposed to meet me there.” Her frown says it all. I’m not the only one she’s stood up, been standing up.
“She texted something about a last minute study group or something.” Shaking my head at the frustration that colors my own voice, I give a sympathetic smile.
“Oh, okay,” she sighs disappointedly, then begins to pick at her dinner. Stace has avoided her almost as much as me lately.
“She’ll be here soon,” I try to reassure her, even though I’m not so sure of it myself.
“I’ll go with you,” Gavin tells Noel. “I need to get in some gym time.” He turns to Mallory to ask, “Meet me in my dorm later?” Nodding in smiling agreement, she places a brief kiss on his cheek.
“Finally,” she grins, “time to myself.” We all laugh and finish our meal, conversation back to it’s usual comedy channel antics when a few of our teammates decide to join us. Talk of Homecoming and the many different parties afterward quickly consumes the discussion.
“I heard the Beta Mu’s are having a party with a live band,” Mal informs
us between bites of food. “I hope they’re at least halfway decent.”
“Why? Are y’all going to that party instead of the one at the Zeta house?” I ask, looking from her to Gavin, who seems as confused as I am. I thought we had already decided which party we were attending. Girls.
“Uhm, no,” he answers, completely ignoring her while she glares at him. “The last party we went to there made me want to slit my wrists.” Glancing over to look at Mal when she slaps his arm, he says, “Don’t deny it. It was terrible and you know it,” his challenging gaze daring her to argue with his statement.
“I thought it wasn’t that bad,” Xana says, making Noel frown.
“Girl, you had enough alcoholic fun for all of us,” Dillon teases and we laugh.
“How would you know, Mr. Escort? Your mouth was glued to Katie, just as much as your hands were,” Noel grins, wiggling his eyebrows.
“I’m not a damn escort, you assmunch,” he growls, pointing to me before glaring Noel’s way. “And you’re just jealous because my girl wasn’t getting her drunk on like your woman over there.” Xana’s face turns about ten shades of crimson causing her to look at her plate in embarrassment. Reaching behind us, Noel and I both, sitting on either side of him, slap the back of the head.
“OW! What the Hell was that for?” he near shouts, rubbing the offended area.
“For being a jerk,” I tell him. “You have no room to talk with the way you were throwing back beers that night. You sure drank everything Katie gave you.” Scowling at me, he mumbles insults my way causing Xana to stand up and gather her dirty silverware onto her tray, completely ignoring Noel and Mallory’s attempts to stop her.