by Nicole Smith
“How about I meet you outside? Just please try and dress warmer. I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t worry. I’ll see you again soon. Now please go in and warm up,” he ordered. I nodded and walked inside. I wasn’t sure how I felt anymore.
2. ADAM
As I stretched out on the floor, recuperating from my earlier emotional episode, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I think I even dreamed about him when I dozed off. I don’t even know his name, where he came from or how he saved me. Why did he even bother? He was so attractive with his disheveled blond hair, serious smile and wide strong shoulders. I should know I rested against them. He smelled of cedar, like the trees that used to surround one of the houses I lived in when I was a little girl. It was such a familiar scent. His dark jeans and simple long sleeve black shirt looked so nice with his black wool coat.
He carried me effortlessly through the snow and he was so warm. I have had a chill I haven’t been able to shake in weeks. Usually I am only warm when I am at school, which is probably why I had been sneaking off to the library every chance I could get. I just wanted to sit comfortably in the cushioned chairs and sleep for just a few minutes in the warmth. One day I accidently missed second period because I slept too long.
If only he could come over here now. He could sneak up to my room with me, and I could just sleep in his arms. An image of Anton appeared before me, a memory of him holding me actually. I felt his warmth spread through me. It left as quickly as it came. I sighed, feeling the pain of losing him again. This strange boy is going to think I am crazy. I told him I wanted to take a swim in the frozen river. That’s when my depression decided to hit me again. Reality check Nat, you’re sixteen, he was definitely older. He is beautiful. You are a skinny, poor and psychotic girl. Really now, what are the chances that he will be out there waiting for you? I already need him and where is he? I started to fall sleep again, still envisioning his face.
I dreamed I was drowning. I actually slid on the ice and fell into the fast flowing river. I was unable to grab hold of the icy edge and was being pulled further and further downstream. Every time I tried to grab hold of the edge I was pulled faster. Eventually my hands wouldn’t move anymore and I started to sink. He was there, under the frozen water with me. He grabbed me around the waist and started to swim up to the top. I awoke with a jolt when he had me safely on shore. He even saves me in my dreams, I thought, smiling. I quickly stood up, startling my mother.
“Are you feeling better now?” she asked.
“Yes, thanks mom. I’m sorry I ruined Christmas morning,” I apologized.
“No, darling, you didn’t ruin anything. We’re going to get better. Things are going to improve. We will get our furniture soon. Remember Natalie, things can always be worse,” she said smiling. I didn’t have the heart to remind her that things could always be better too, like I usually did when she threw that line at me.
Luke was napping now and John had gone over to a friend’s house down the street. I was jealous that he already had a friend close by, a place he could escape to. I have seen Paul’s house and I knew that he had a lot of brothers and sisters. I could just imagine the energy in that house today. They’ll probably invite John to stay for dinner. How could he refuse? What celebration would he be missing at home today? We were given a ham and some canned vegetables and potatoes for dinner, and an apple pie for dessert. I must admit I was looking forward to eating today.
“I’m going to go out for a walk,” I told my mother as I put on my coat, hat and mitts. I wrapped her scarf around my neck too, just a little extra to make him happy, if he’s even out there. I doubted he would be.
“Be safe,” she said, looking at me a little skeptically. She knew I wasn’t right in the head. I knew she knew. She’s seen depression. She’s been depressed.
“I need you well Natalie,” she said as I walked out the door. Closing it behind me, I was feeling annoyed with that last comment, like I wasn’t allowed to be sad. I wasn’t allowed to fall to pieces because she needed me to hold her together. That was not fair. I was the child. It should not be my responsibility to keep my mother sane. Just as I began to feel the hopelessness rise again, he was walking beside me. I hadn’t even heard him approach. I didn’t hear his boots crunch in the snow like mine did. He grabbed my hands and folded them in his. He blew on them to warm me. Little did he realize that not only did he warm my fingers, I felt warm all over, all the way down to my toes. I smiled at him and laughed.
“Thank you, that feels so good, you have no idea,” I said, the smile on my face starting to hurt. It wasn’t something I did often.
“So you need me already, I see,” he said grinning.
“No, I’m just getting some fresh air,” I said looking back at him. He held my hand as we continued walking.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Adam,” he replied. I smiled at him. Now I knew him. Or so I thought, but I knew nothing of him then.
A few days later our father showed up with all of our stuff. I was so happy and so angry with him all at the same time.
“Why did it take months for you to get here?” I asked when everything was emptied out of the truck.
“I am truly sorry, I really am. I did the best I could. I’m here now and I promise I’ll warm this place up. I’ll fill the fridge up with food. I’ll take you shopping for some clothes. You’re going to be okay now, you’ll see,” he explained to the weak, tired and cold faces that stared up at him. Here we were, so pathetic we believed every word coming out of his mouth.
As I was making my bed that night I started to cry, tears just poured from my eyes. I fell onto the floor and curled up into a tiny ball and cried. Pain was searing in my sides from the shaking. I came up to breathe and noticed Adam was here, in my room. He knelt down beside me and gently placed my head on his lap. He stroked my hair and waited for my tears to slow. I crawled up to rest my head on his shoulders and wrap my arms around his neck. He was so warm. I couldn’t believe how comfortable I felt with him. Slowly I stopped crying. I began to smile as he wiped my face with his sleeve.
“Are you feeling better now?” he whispered.
“I think so. I’m sorry,” I said, I was feeling embarrassed.
“No Natalie, don’t ever be sorry for this. You have every right to feel so betrayed. I am here to help you through this. Like I said, whenever you need me, I’ll be here.” He seemed so sincere for someone I just met.
“How did you know I was, well I mean, how did you know I could use a friend?” I asked, still unsure of why he felt I needed him so much, not to say that I didn’t but why he cared still surprised me.
“I just knew. I’ll always know. You belong to me now,” he spoke so seriously, so sweetly, that all I could do was smile and curl up closer to him. I have never felt like I belonged to anyone. I didn’t think anyone wanted me to belong to them. I was just so happy at that moment that my bed and everything else in my room didn’t matter anymore. All I needed was Adam, here with me. I didn’t even think about what my parents would do if they found this boy in my room, but at that moment I didn’t care. I didn’t even think about how he got in here. I didn’t want to know, because maybe if he told me, it would change things. I didn’t want anything to change. I just wanted him here in the middle of my room, holding me and stroking my hair. I must have fallen asleep in his arms because the next thing I remember was waking up in my bed, my blankets covering me.
My father held true to his word for weeks. We had food in the fridge. I think I even started to gain some weight. I was five foot two and barely ninety pounds. I definitely didn’t look like I belonged in high school. The top of my plaid uniform skirt was rolled up not just to make it shorter, like the other girls, but to keep it from falling off of me. I had pale white skin, big brown eyes, long black eyelashes and long brown hair. I was told on many occasions that I looked like my mother. We could pass for sisters. I think she was skinnier than me if that was possible. She never wore a bra. I us
ed to think that was just a hippy thing but now I think it was because it was just unnecessary. She was just too thin to bother. She was beautiful though. When you looked at her, especially those rare moments when she smiled or laughed. Her high cheek bones, large brown eyes and full red lips. She was small but quite striking.
3. BURSTING
Every day when I returned home from school Adam was waiting for me. I would run up to my room, drop my backpack and jump into his strong arms. We would spend hours just talking. I would tell him about my uneventful day at school, about my new friends and the homework I had to do. Sometimes he would tell me about the school he used to go to. He graduated last spring.
One day we were just lying on the floor when he began to tell me about his parents for the first time. “They loved nature. My dad was an avid bird watcher. He used to be a music professor but decided to retire to research birds and their habitats. My mother would have followed him anywhere. She was a writer. She wrote children’s stories mostly.
Unfortunately they both passed away in a car accident over a year ago, they were coming back to this small town from an evening in the city. My parents loved to go to the symphonies and the theater. So my dad happily accepted tickets from his friends still in the industry. They were quietly listening to the evening radio classics, driving northbound when their car veered to far over and a transport truck hit them head on.”
He seemed to shudder when he finished telling me the story, as though he had been there and witnessed it all. When he finished telling me what had happened it was my turn to hold him and stroke his hair as he sobbed. He held me so tightly that I would later see bruises appear on my shoulders.
“Natalie I am not crying for them anymore. I am crying for you.” I was confused by his words.
“I don’t understand.” I didn’t move, waiting for him to loosen his grip. He slowly composed himself and looked into my eyes. He grabbed my face with his warm hands and gently brought me to him. His kiss felt like a warm spring breeze, so natural, so right and so sweet. I thought I would drift away, into a whole new world. As he pulled away I was swiftly pulled back to reality. I blinked quickly, unsure what exactly happened, but wanting it to happen again. He still held me close.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“No, don’t be. I’m so happy when your with me, please don’t go and don’t stop,” I said looking into his eyes. The blue specks in his grey eyes were shining, making him look even more angelic than he already was. I could stare at him for hours, never being less amazed. The rhythm of his breath was so soothing. I couldn’t fight the calmness I was starting to feel. I could ask him another time to explain why he was crying for me. I just needed him near me now.
He eventually told me he had to go, but he promised to return. I tried to protest but he placed his fingers on my eyelids and then he was gone. I resigned myself to my homework, constantly checking the clock. He didn’t return that night. The next day he wasn’t there waiting for me. I called his name. I ran down the street, quietly calling his name. I ran to the river bank, he wasn’t there either. I went back to my room wishing he would be there but he wasn’t. I couldn’t eat dinner that evening.
“Are you feeling okay?” my mother asked.
“No, my stomach hurts a little,” I said.
“Maybe you should go lie down? You don’t look well.” My father had been away for days working apparently. We were sufficiently stocked with food, still no car though. Trapped here, just the way he liked it. I walked up to my room but fell at the top of the stairs. My mother came running when she heard the thud. She shouted for John, who helped me back down the stairs and they put me on her bed. She grabbed a cold cloth and gave me a Tylenol.
I slept off and on throughout the night. My head was spinning as a grabbed hold of my sides. I was beginning to feel a lot of pain in the right side of my stomach, so much so that I thought I would pass out. My mother gave me more Tylenol and told me to try and sleep. Through the next day and night my temperature continued to rise. By the third morning I was unable to walk, the pain was so bad. My mother didn’t know what to do. She just kept giving me Tylenol and tried to lower my temperature by putting towels wrapped in ice around me.
Again, during the night my temperature remained high. I was becoming delirious. I kept calling for Adam and at one point I think he was there in the room with my mother. I thought he was trying to tell her something but she didn’t seem to be acknowledging him. He was very upset. He had a serious look of concern on his face. I was just so happy he was here, even if I couldn’t speak to him. I dozed on and off, continually waking with searing pain in my side. I screamed out at one point.
“Please make it stop!” That’s when I remember Adam appearing again at my bedside and he put his warm hands on my side. The pain started to subside, briefly. As soon as he moved, so my mother could put more cold wet towels on me, the pain came back. I called for him to come back to me, but he seemed preoccupied with my mother. He was still trying to tell her something. ‘Why won’t she listen to him?’ I wondered, but I was too tired to ask. I eventually blacked out from the pain. The next thing I remembered was waking up in a hospital. A doctor was poking at my stomach. He told me I was going to be fine.
“You’re going to go back to sleep now and when you wake up the pain will be gone. I promise,” he said as a mask was placed over my face. Within seconds I was out again.
I dreamed I was in a field with Adam. The sun was shining and we had been running. He was in black again and I was dressed in a beautiful black gown with silky black gloves that went up to my elbows. I have never felt this pretty in all my life. He took my hand and twirled me around in the field. The harvest must have already been collected as the stalks were yellow and dry. It didn’t matter to me where we were. Words were not necessary either. I just needed to know he was there with me, as long as he was with me then I knew I was going to be okay.
When I awoke hours later, I was sore but the searing pain was gone just like the doctor said it would be. I was feeling really groggy from the anesthetic. My mother came over to my bedside.
“Hi honey, how are feeling? Are you okay? Do you want me to get you anything?” she asked, rambling, not letting me get a word in. I held up my hand, not feeling ready to talk yet.
“Okay. I’ll be right here if you need me.” The nurse came in and told her they just wanted to run a few tests and she could wait in the hall until they were done. I smiled at her to let her know it was okay. When she left the nurse looked at me seriously.
“Do you know how lucky you are little girl?” I shook my head, not really feeling very lucky at that moment.
“If they had waited any longer you would have been in some serious trouble, your appendix was bursting when you arrived,” she sighed.
“Who brought me here?” I asked.
“I think it was your uncle. You’ll have to ask your mom though. She was in hysterics when they wheeled you in and brought you straight into the OR.” I just nodded. That explained why she wanted to help me so much. I wondered if my father knew I was here. He probably wouldn’t show up. I just closed my eyes until the nurse was done fixing my I.V. When my mother returned she smiled and walked over to me, reaching for my needle free hand.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, tears in her eyes.
“Mom, relax. I’m fine now and you did great. There is no infection. The pain is gone. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. I’ll live, okay,” I said trying to get her to remain calm. She just looked at me solemnly and forced a smile.
“What is it?” I asked, feeling as though there was more to the story.
“If it wasn’t for your Uncle William, you wouldn’t be here right now. I thought the pain would pass eventually. I didn’t know how to get you to the hospital. I just thought that your dad would be back in a few days and he could bring you. I was thinking that I would call an ambulance if it did get worse. You were in and out of it so much. I wasn’t sure if the pain was getti
ng worse or not. I’m so sorry Natalie. Your uncle said he wasn’t sure why he stopped by, he just felt like he had to. Some kind of premonition or something, he said. As soon as he walked in and saw you, he told me to get your coat and a blanket. He picked you up and put you in his car. He didn’t even hesitate. I don’t know why I didn’t think to call an ambulance sooner. I’m so sorry,” she kept saying it over and over.
“Please stop, you did your best and I’m better. Please don’t say you’re sorry again,” I told her, feeling a bit frustrated by it. I was also wondering how Uncle Willie knew to come by. I couldn’t help but think Adam had something to do with it. I knew he was trying really hard to convince my mother to do something. Maybe he went to see my uncle.
“Where’s Adam?” I asked her.
“Who is Adam?” Her brow was furrowing so I knew she was confused.
“You kept calling his name before your surgery. Who is he? Does he go to your school?” I was confused now, wondering if maybe it was the fever or the pain that made me think he was there in that room with me. I thought for sure he was talking to my mother.
“He wasn’t at the house yesterday?” I asked.
“No, no one else was there. Who is he?” she asked again.
“I’m not sure,” I whispered.
The nurse came in and told her I needed to rest, she could come back later. I smiled at her as she left. I curled into the blankets careful not to move my side, and fell asleep. He was back again, in my dreams at least, waiting for me. As we walked along the trail, hand in hand, he told me fascinating stories of angels living on earth. I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Adam being my angel.
I awoke hours later to a scuffling sound, like someone dragging their foot down the hall. I slowly sat up in bed and looked toward the door, which was now open. The sound was getting closer. I couldn’t look away. Who or what was making that noise? As I continued to watch and wait, an old woman in a wheelchair appeared in the hall. She was looking down as she dragged her feet on the floor. She stopped abruptly outside my door. I waited for her to turn and look at me. I saw a grin creep across her face.