by Nicole Smith
“Are you ready to go to your new home?” he asked.
“I think so,” I said, he smiled and nodded.
We drove in silence for a while, my thoughts bouncing between Adam and Hayden. I shuddered when I remembered Adam telling me that Hayden had altered our destiny. I didn’t know how he could have possibly done that. I certainly wasn’t thinking of him when I decided to down those pills. It was Adam I wanted to be with, forever. Now he was gone. The pain in my chest was starting to hurt again and my throat felt so tight, like I was being strangled. I must have moaned because Hayden quickly looked over at me.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, pulling me out of my trance.
“I’m sorry, I’m okay,” I said, not wanting to upset him. He smiled and grabbed my hand, squeezing it.
“You don’t have to say sorry to me. You be sad. You take all the time you need. I’ll be here for anything you need that will bring you comfort. Like I said, I want you to be able to recuperate and regain your strength,” he said all of this so sincerely. I had no doubt that he really did want to help me. Why? I couldn’t help but wonder why. He barely knew me and I wasn’t some `blond bombshell’. I didn’t understand but I really didn’t want to question him. I didn’t want him to change his mind. I gently squeezed his hand back, smiling. He nodded and turned on some calm classical music.
I must have dozed off because when I awoke we were pulling into an underground garage. I quickly sat up and looked around. The parking lot wasn’t too full. I tried to remember what day it was, but I couldn’t. All I knew was that we were about three hours away from the hospital. Once he parked he quickly ran around the car and opened the passenger door for me. He was so polite and charming. I smiled as I climbed out and he grabbed my bag from the backseat. He took a hold of my hand and led me towards the elevator that would bring us up to his apartment. He lived on the seventeenth floor. He unlocked the door and opened it.
“After you?” he gestured with his hand for me to enter. I slowly walked in, feeling a little nervous. The lighting was dim, the curtains were closed. The entry way was larger than I thought it would be. I quickly took off my shoes and walked into the living room. I was shocked. I had never been in such a classy place before. The walls were painted a dark mahogany color. The furniture was very masculine, grey flannel and black pillows. The curtains seemed to blend in with the walls. The only real color came from the beautiful paintings that hung on all the walls. The kitchen was off to the left, stainless steel appliances, black cabinets with silver handles.
“It’s so beautiful,” I said, absolutely amazed. It was simple but so elegant. I was starting to feel even more out of place. I looked at him meekly, feeling like such a sad little child. He seemed to quickly gauge my mood. He walked over to me and put both his hands on my shoulders, he then tilted my chin up, forcing me to look at him.
“I want you to feel completely comfortable here. I want you to think of this as your home too, okay?”
“I couldn’t possibly. This is yours. You really are amazing Hayden. Thank you so much for inviting me to stay here. I promise I won’t make a mess. I’ll be quiet,” I rambled on, tears starting to spill. I think I surprised him. He stood there staring at me like he didn’t know what to do.
“I’ll be your maid? Anything you need I can try and do it for you. Maybe I can learn to cook!” I said. He quickly decided he had heard enough. He scooped me up as though I was a child and carried me into his den. I laughed through my tears.
“This will be your room. The wall pulls out into a bed. Let me show you,” he said as he pulled out a perfectly made bed from a wall cabinet. So classy, I thought. He scooped me up again. I smiled as he carried me into the large bathroom. He gently set me down in the biggest tub I have ever seen.
“This is where I will light the candles, pour in the bubbles and soak you,” he said grinning. I stared at him, calm now.
“You make me feel like a princess,” I said, not wanting to take my eyes off him. He stared at me for a moment than helped me out of the tub.
“I am afraid I do have to go out for a few hours. While I’m gone I want you to wash off that horrible hospital smell. I have a thick bathrobe hanging in my closet. I want you to wear that till I get back. If you want to sleep, please do and help yourself to whatever food I have in the kitchen. I won’t be late, I promise,” he explained as he kissed my forehead and quickly walked out, locking the door behind him.
I decided I would do everything he told me to do. I started with a warm shower. As I rinsed my hair I opened a bottle of liquid body wash and almost dropped it. I quickly tried to regain my composer. That’s all Hayden needed was to come home to a naked girl unconscious in his shower. The scent surprised me. It smelled too familiar, like some scent from my past. I couldn’t place it. It was probably just me, my subconscious feeling guilty for already enjoying the company of another.
I quickly dried myself off, wrapped the towel around me and went into Hayden’s bedroom to look for his bathrobe. His room was dark but inviting. The walls were almost black. There were wood blinds on his windows. His two tall dressers were a deep dark red. His bed was the most amazing piece of furniture I have ever seen. It was made of black cast iron. The headboard almost reached the ceiling. The foot of the bed reached up with claws holding beautifully colored glass spheres. I have never seen anything so dramatic. As I turned I noticed another painting on the wall, facing the bed. Actually, it was more like a huge sketch. It was a drawing of a woman. She was wearing a long black cloak. Her leg was showing through as though she was running. I walked closer to the foot of the bed to try and see her face. I had to climb up on to the bed to get a proper view of her. She had long flowing brown hair that had escaped her hood and went all the way down to her waist. Her face was looking up. Her eyes were large and dark. Her mouth was full, not smiling but not looking sad either. She was quite captivating. She held a book in one hand and her other hand was reaching for her hood, as though in her next movement she would have pulled it off. I was so intrigued by this women, I had trouble looking away from her. I heard the phone ringing in another room, and I was quickly reminded that I came in here for a bathrobe. I opened the door to his walk in closet and saw his black thick, plush robe hanging on a hook. I grabbed it and walked back to my new room. I took off my towel and put the robe on. I tied it and went back into the bathroom. I towel dried my hair, combed it and looked up at myself in the mirror. Shocked, I realized that I resembled that woman in the painting. She seemed older than me though. It must just be the robe I thought, smiling.
I walked into the kitchen and found some delicious fruit salad in the fridge and a glass of milk. It was perfect. When I was finished I washed my dishes and put them away. I sat down on the couch and looked around the large living room. The first thing I noticed was that he had books everywhere. I grabbed one that was sitting on the coffee table in front of me. I started to flip through it, not noticing that the robe was starting to fall to one side, revealing my right leg. I was surprised by the novel I had picked up. There was no writing on the cover but when I opened to the first page I realized it was about the possibility of ghosts. I wanted to laugh actually. The possibility, if you only knew. I was so involved in my own thoughts of ghosts that I hadn’t heard the door unlock and Hayden approach. I looked up just as he reached the entry to the living room. He stopped abruptly. His face seemed pale as he stared at me. I couldn’t read his expression. I hoped I hadn’t done anything to upset him. I did everything he told me to do. I stood up and quickly walked to him, noticing then that the tie around my waist had come loose exposing my thigh as I walked to him. I still held the book in my hand. I noticed it as he glanced at it. He seemed frozen. I quickly reached for his hand.
“Hayden?” I whispered, “Are you alright?” I asked. He seemed to snap out of it. He grabbed my waist and pulled me close, holding me, he seemed to be shaking.
“My little one,” he whispered in my ear, sending chills throughout
my body. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“I missed you,” I said.
“I missed you,” he replied, much more seriously than I thought necessary, considering he was only gone a few hours.
“You smell better now,” he said, looking me over again, smiling, as he regained his calm composure. He grabbed my hand, leading me to the couch.
“I have something for you,” he told me, excited.
“No, you shouldn’t give me anything more. All I want is your company,” I said.
“I can’t help myself. I want to dress you up. You are my little doll, although I’d be happy if you just wore my robe around the apartment,” he said as he looked at me grinning. I laughed.
“Here, open it up,” he ordered, as he handed me a large silver paper bag. I reached in and pulled out a slinky black nightgown.
“It is very silky,” I said, grinning at him.
“I just want you to be comfortable when you’re sleeping,” he said innocently.
“Thank you,” I responded appreciatively.
“Keep going,” he demanded.
“There’s more?” I questioned, as I reached in. He had bought me slippers, a white cotton hoodie and pants, a black dress and at the bottom of the bag was a red box. Inside wrapped in tissue paper was numerous pairs of silk, cotton and lace undergarments. I looked up at him shocked. I was shocked for many reasons. The first was I couldn’t image how much money he had just spent on me and the second, I didn’t think I was ready to give him what he may want as payment.
“I can’t accept this,” I said, flatly.
“Yes you can. I want you to be beautiful and comfortable here. I told you I would take care of all your needs. I am not expecting anything more in return,” he held my hands up to his lips, kissed them and set them down on my lap.
“I am here whenever you need me, as a friend, I am here,” he answered, as if reading my mind. I jumped over and hugged him, again forgetting my loose robe, as my leg was exposed again. He grinned at me and reached for my robe and wrapped it tight around me.
“Be a good girl now and put some clothes on,” he said laughing. I grabbed my bag and walked to my room, looking back at him, he was watching me with a distant look, as though he was somewhere else.
When I emerged, wearing my new white hoodie, he was still on the couch, holding the book I was reading when he came in. He seemed deep in thought as I approached him, I think I startled him. He smiled up at me.
“You look beautiful Natalie,” he said.
“Thank you,” I said. “I feel quite comfortable.”
“Good,” he nodded, still seeming distracted. I sat down beside him, looking at the book in his hand.
“Do you believe in ghosts Hayden?” I asked, keeping my eyes on the book in front of him. I could tell he turned to look at me, but I refused to look at him. I knew my eyes would give me away. He was quiet for a few moments before he answered my question.
“I do,” he said simply. It was all I needed. Just to know that this person who was going to give me his home, his time, believed in what was killing me. I sighed, louder than I meant to. I was so relieved. If he had said no or maybe, then I knew that I would be completely alone in my darkness. I looked up at him and he was looking at me still. We just seemed to freeze in time. He knew more about my suffering then I would have ever thought possible. It was at that moment that I knew there was a greater purpose for our meeting. There was a reason. It was our destiny to meet and to be here now. I just didn’t know why yet.
I trembled as he slowly put his hands around my waist and pulled me onto his lap. He cradled me in his arms, holding me tight. I saw the tears in his eyes. He was just as confused as I was. This was beyond us. There was a greater pull here than either of us could ever understand. It went beyond this lifetime. It travelled further. I knew him so much more than I realized. We have shared adventures together that neither of us could comprehend. The pull, the physical attraction that seemed to hurt, it was more than just love or lust.
I tried to deny him in my mind. I tried to be rationale. I loved Adam, even though he was untouchable now. I knew I couldn’t wait till death to be loved again, but I didn’t want it to happen so soon. I felt like I was betraying the love of my life. How could I possibly do such a thing? Adam was beautiful, inside and out. I have never met anyone as sweet and I never will again. So why was Hayden such a force? Why did I feel like I had to resist him? Why would I want too? Did he want me to refuse him?
10. BETRAYAL
It was my first morning at Hayden’s and I have never felt so rested in all my life. I jumped out of bed, quickly pulled the sheets and the blankets up and folded it into the wall. I was wearing the black nightgown he gave me. I didn’t feel cold so I left the room and washed up in the bathroom. When I was finished, I couldn’t help but open his body wash bottle and take in the scent. It smelled so familiar. I tried but I just couldn’t place the scent, it was like the memory was right there, on the tip of my tongue. I quickly placed it back down on the tub. As I walked out, Hayden was standing by the door.
“Good Morning my little one!” he said smiling.
“Good Morning roomy,” I said smiling back.
“I’ve made coffee, but I don’t know if you drink it or not?” he asked.
“I do like a little in the morning. Thank you, I think I’ll have some,” I said, still feeling like a guest. Hayden led me to the kitchen. I sat on the stool and looked at him.
“What can I make you for breakfast?” he asked. I wasn’t really feeling too hungry. In the hospital I hadn’t been eating very much. The idea of a big meal made me feel sick.
“The fruit salad I ate last night was good. If you have any more left that would be great? Or this orange will be fine,” I said grabbing the fruit from the basket on his counter.
“Well I guess that explains why you’re so tiny. You are not going to be a burden at all are you?” he said, jokingly.
“I told you I didn’t want to inconvenience you,” I smiled. He walked over to me, looking scruffy but beautiful. He reached for my hands, I gave them to him. He stared at me for a moment.
“I want to take you out today, if you’d like to that is,” he asked
“Sure. Where are we going to go? I don’t really want to be around the living too much though,” I said, forgetting that was the way Adam and I would talk about going out. I gasped as I looked up at him. He was staring at me, expressionless. I wish I could have read his thoughts. He quickly shook off whatever he was thinking.
“I promise no people,” he smiled quickly.
“Sounds great,” I said, trying to recover from my mistake.
After breakfast I went to change into my jeans and a white tee shirt. The low neck line exposed the bones along my collarbone and my shoulders were jutting through. I had lost a lot of weight during my hospital stay. I brushed my long brown hair and grabbed my white hoodie that Hayden bought me and walked back out to the living room. He was waiting for me in his chair by the window. I didn’t see him at first. I stopped suddenly in the middle of the room. I felt weak all of a sudden. The dread of going out overpowered me and I collapsed to the floor. Hayden was beside me quickly, he held my arms, resting my body against him as I knelt on the floor.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “If you don’t want to go we don’t have to. We can stay here. I’ll stay here with you,” he told me so sweetly.
“I’m sorry,” I cried, as tears began to fall down my cheeks again.
“I guess I’m not ready yet. I am not ready to join the… world yet,” I said, resisting using the word living. I was so afraid of leaving this apartment. I didn’t want to know what else might be out there waiting for me, living or not.
Hayden was so patient with me over the next few days. He asked me what movies I liked one morning and by that afternoon he had five different ones for me to watch. He would go out and come back off and on throughout the day. I wondered what he did that provided hi
m with so much freedom to come back and check on me so much. I told him that I would be alright alone, that I didn’t mind, but he insisted, saying it just made him feel better knowing I was safe. I was beginning to think that he thought I was still suicidal and he was on watch. I wondered if the psychologist had talked to him before we left the hospital or worse maybe he talked to my mother.
One evening we just finished watching another movie when I decided I needed to know more about my wonderful host. He turned off the television and put on some music. He poured himself a glass of wine. I think he sensed I was in the mood for talking. I was sitting up straight on his couch, my legs crossed, staring at the beautiful painting above his fireplace.
“Do you like it?” he asked noticing my gaze. It was an abstract painting, the kind that drew you in, knowing there was a meaning for you in it that would be different from anyone else’s.
“The colors are wonderful,” I replied, not being much of an art critic.
“All I know is that I like it, I don’t think I can explain it,” I said, trying not to sound simple.
“My mother is an artist. She can sketch nature scenes beautifully. Her white owls always amazed me,” I replied, more to myself than to him. He smiled.
“What is bothering you tonight? Did the movie scare you?” he asked poking my side.
“No. I want to ask you some questions though, if that’s okay?” I asked, starting to feel nervous. He looked at me seriously, tilting his head to the side.
“I’ll do my best to answer them. What would you like to know?” he asked. I turned myself around so I could look at him as I asked the first question that was burning inside me. It was a difficult question to ask but I had to know. I didn’t want to hear the answer, but if I was to stay here much longer I had to know what to expect.