by Drew Hunt
Mrs Goldman took hold of her son’s hand. “Of course I knew. I’ve cleaned your flat for years. Some of the things I saw, Oy!”
Joey’s face burned with embarrassment as he thought of what she could have seen. “But I always made sure I didn’t leave anything, um…” The more he thought about it, the angrier he became. “You’ve been spying on me. How could you? I’ve never had any privacy, you always had to interfere.”
“I was worried about you. That’s what a mother does. What with you, your sister and your father, I got enough worry for two people. No wonder I get indigestion.” Opening the large handbag she always carried, Mrs Goldman extracted a half-finished packet of ant-acid tablets. Peeling one from the roll and putting it in her mouth, she began to chew. “And as for you being tidy? Feh. I found one of your dirty DVDs on the coffee table once.”
Joey’s eyes widened. “You didn’t watch it did you?”
“Some of it. Jeff somebody or other’s Power Tool, I think it was.”
“Oh, no.” Joey screwed his eyes shut.
“I thought it might be a film about carpentry, I’d been asking you to fix that broken catch on the bathroom door for weeks, but…” She shuddered. “I nearly had one of my turns when I realised what it was.” She shifted in her seat.
Joey needed to get off the subject of porn videos. “This business with our Carole going to Israel and me looking after Simon. How could I tell you I was gay? You’d never have let me look after him if you’d known about me.”
“But I did know.”
“You knew and you still wanted me to have Simon?” He was finding it difficult to get his head round the idea.
“He loves you, and though I’ve got some misgivings, you’d make a good parent for him, despite what Carole said.”
“Carole knows? About me I mean?”
“Of course.”
“Fuck!” This was just getting worse and worse.
Mrs Goldman shot her son a warning glare.
“Sorry. This is all such a shock. I thought you’d hate me, cast me out when you found out.”
She squeezed Joey’s hand. “You’re my son. It’s not what your dad and me wanted for your future, but…”
The room fell silent. Joey tried to get to grips with the idea that his mother had known about him all along.
Mrs Goldman let out a sigh. “I suppose I shouldn’t have sprung Simon’s new living arrangements on you like I did.”
“Too right.” Because of all the other revelations, Joey had temporarily forgotten about that.
“I thought I was doing the right thing. But I see now that I wasn’t.”
“You just couldn’t help yourself. Any chance you get to meddle.”
“I just did what I thought was best. Carole, she’s never been, well, very maternal. Oy, my children, such disappointments. No wonder I’m under the doctor.”
“Ma, don’t start all that again.” Joey knew his mother was one of the healthiest people alive.
“Yes, well. Getting back to what I was saying. I knew you having Simon would be good for the pair of you. He needs a positive male influence, and even though you’re, um…one of those…”
“Gay, Ma, I’m gay.”
“Yes, well. Even though you prefer the company of men, you’d be a lot better for Simon than Carole’s Keith would be. Feh, he actually told me he didn’t want Simon to go with them to Israel.” Mrs Goldman put on her most sour expression.
Joey’s fists tightened, he’d never liked Keith, and now he had a tangible reason to hate the man’s guts. “The fucking bastard!”
“Language.”
“I don’t care. How could anyone not want to have a kid as great as him?”
His mother sighed.
“Though will he still want to come and live with me when he finds out about me? I have to tell him.”
“Do you think that’s a good idea? He’s only eight.”
“He needs to know.”
Mrs Goldman appeared to think about it for a few moments. “I suppose so. I’ll bring him in this evening, I don’t think he’ll have a problem with it, he pretty much worships you.”
Joey blushed. He knew it was true.
“Having Simon coming to live with you would make you behave. You wouldn’t be able to watch any more of those disgusting films.” Fixing Joey with one of her strongest stares, she continued, “It’d also mean you couldn’t have a lot of men visiting you, like you used to.”
“What? You thought that if Simon was with me, it’d turn me straight? Ma, that ain’t gonna happen.”
“No, love. That’s not what I meant. If you had the responsibility of looking after a child, you’d be force to grow up, be more responsible. I hoped it would make you want to settle down.”
“I thought I’d done that with Kevin, but…”
The room fell silent once again. It became increasingly clear to Joey that the whole sorry mess had been of his own making. His mother’s homophobia had only existed in his head. All his attempts to appear straight to make himself look worthy of parenthood had resulted in disaster. His face fell as the full impact of his stupidity dawned on him. If only he’d stopped to think about it before hand, none of it need have happened. He needn’t have broken up with Kevin, causing him to attempt suicide. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Joey sniffed and rubbed at his burning eyes.
“Joey, love, don’t take on so.” His mother reached over to the box of tissues on the bedside locker and handed him a couple.
“Ma, I told Kevin,” Joey blew his nose, “because I wanted to look after our Simon, I couldn’t be his boyfriend anymore. And…” He swallowed. “he tried to kill himself. He loved me and…And I just threw him away. God, I feel awful.”
“No!” Mrs Goldman put a hand over her mouth. Then the hand went to the box of tissues and pulled out several more, handing them to Joey.
Accepting the tissues and blowing his nose again, Joey continued. “And I hurt our Simon when I ran out on him the other Friday. Ma, you gotta believe me, it wasn’t because I didn’t want him.” Joey looked beseechingly at his mother. “I was confused, angry and…I don’t know. It’s such a mess. I’ve hurt the two men I love the most, all because I was too stupid, too scared to tell you the truth.”
Mrs Goldman patted her son’s hand.
“What am I gonna do, Ma?”
“I don’t know, love.” Sighing, she got to her feet. “Listen, I’ve got to go. I promised Mrs Schindler I’d help with the catering for her grandson’s Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.”
Joey resented the fact his mother preferred to go off and do her organising, rather than stay with him, but he refused to allow her to see his pain at being abandoned.
* * * *
“See, you had the caps lock on.” Kevin stood at Mr Parker’s side, trying not to get angry at the older man’s lack of computer skills.
“So why didn’t the stupid thing tell me that?”
“Because passwords are case sensitive, some people write them in upper case. All that the computer knew was that the password you were typing in wasn’t the correct one.”
“Stupid thing,” Mr Parker repeated.
The buzzer to the outer door sounded, distracting both men.
“Who on earth?” Parker said looking up at the security monitor.
Kevin saw who it was and grew uneasy. “It’s Joey’s mother.”
“You best let her in, I suppose.”
As he made his way to the door, Kevin assumed Mrs Goldman had come to drop off a sick note or something from the hospital.
“Oh, you poor boy. My Joey told me what almost happened to you,” she said as soon as he’d unlocked the door.
Kevin didn’t know what to say, he was shocked and upset Joey would pass on such news to his mother.
“Can I speak to you for a few minutes?”
“Um.” Kevin hesitated.
“It’s important.”
Kevin nodded before turning to walk down the passageway. As he led Mrs Goldman to the small roo
m they used as a staff canteen, he tried to steady his breathing.
Once Mrs Goldman was seated, Kevin found himself automatically observing the customary social niceties by asking his visitor if she wanted a cup of tea.
“No, bubele, I can’t stay very long.”
Kevin hovered uncertainly.
“Please, Kevin, come and sit down.”
Kevin’s mouth went dry. What did she want? Nervously he perched himself on the edge of a chair opposite.
“Sometimes my son can be a very loving and generous person. He can also be stupid and blinkered.” Mrs Goldman let out a long sigh. “Oy, I’m no good at this.” Fixing her gaze on Kevin, she said, “I know my son is…a homosexual, I’ve actually known for quite a long time.”
Kevin’s mouth opened, but no sound came out.
“You might not realise it, but you’ve made a big difference to Joey’s life. Before he met you, he was like a bull in a china shop, he couldn’t settle, he didn’t know what he wanted. But thanks to you, he grew up. Well, I thought he had. But…”
Kevin sat even more upright in his chair. What was she telling him?
“I’m here, Kevin, to offer a huge apology on my son’s behalf. When he broke off your, um, friendship, he wasn’t thinking clearly. Feh, he wasn’t thinking at all. For some reason he got an idea in that foolish head of his that I’d somehow reject him if I found out…about him.” Taking a starched white linen handkerchief from her bag, she dabbed at her nose. “He’s my son, and though he gives me more worry than a whole family of sons would, I love him. I don’t understand him wanting to be…like he is, but I’ve had a long time to get used to it, and if that’s what he is, then that’s what he is.”
Kevin remained silent. Mrs Goldman was a whole lot more understanding of her son’s gayness than Kevin’s was of his.
“Over the past few days, Joey hasn’t been himself. Being tied to that hospital bed won’t have helped, but that’s not the whole reason for his moodiness. Kevin, he’s very sorry for what he did to you, and deeply wishes he hadn’t.”
“It hurt.” Kevin swallowed. “It hurt a lot. I loved him, and he still…” Kevin battled not to cry, he was fed up of crying all the time.
Reaching forward, Mrs Goldman took hold of Kevin’s hands. “I know, bubele. But can you find it within yourself to forgive him?”
Kevin felt himself beginning to tremble. “I….I don’t know. I’m scared.”
“I’m sure you are. Look, I’ve got to go. All I ask is that you’ll think about what I’ve said. My son’s been stupid and made some bad mistakes. Ones which…I don’t need to remind you, but… Well, I’ve said my piece.” She got up; Kevin rose to follow. “It’s all right, I can see myself out.”
* * * *
“Simon, I’ve got something very important to tell you.” Joey looked up at the serious, even frightened expression on his nephew’s face.
“You’re still gonna let me come live with you, aren’t you, Uncle Joey? I know you hurt your leg but—”
“No, Champ, it’s not that. I really want you to come live with me.”
Simon’s face relaxed.
“But before you make up your mind, there’s something I have to tell you about me.”
“Oh?”
Joey looked down at the cast on his leg. He’d been rehearsing how to come out to Simon for most of the afternoon, but still couldn’t find the right form of words. “Some men—no, most men—like to live and fall in love with women. But sometimes they just feel more comfortable if they live with someone their own sex.”
Simon nodded gravely.
“Well I’m like that. I’m what they call homosexual or gay. I prefer to live with men. Not boys, I would never, ever, do anything to you or any other boy. That’s…well I’m not like that. Sorry, I’m probably confusing you with all of this.”
“Awesome! You’re like Bobby’s dad.”
“Huh?”
“You know, my mate Bobby, you’ve met him, we saw him at the bonfire?”
Joey nodded, wondering where Simon was going with this.
“You saw his dad, too. He’d had too much to drink.” Simon giggled.
“Yeah I remember, but what’s that gotta do with—”
“Bobby’s dad’s gay. He, Bobby I mean, lives with his dad and his uncle Stephen, but he isn’t his real uncle…he’s Bobby’s dad’s lover.”
“And you’re okay with Bobby having a gay dad who has a male partner?”
Simon gave Joey a well duh look. There’s not that much difference in having two dads instead of having a mum and a dad.”
Out of the mouths of babes, Joey thought. “So now you know that I’m like Bobby’s dad, you still wanna come live with me?”
“Yeah, ’course I do. Just wait till I tell Bobby tomorrow…he’ll be stoked,” Simon said excitedly.
Joey gave his mother—who had been silently standing next to the door—a confused look. He couldn’t help the broad smile of relief that broke out on his face. He’d been dreading Simon’s reaction, fearing the boy would think less of him, shy away from him, even hate him. Looking back at Simon, Joey saw the boy was wearing an equally wide smile.
“You got a boyfriend, Uncle Joey? Is it Uncle Kevin? He’s nice.”
Joey’s face fell. “No, Champ. I used to, but not any more.”
Simon stood up and gave his uncle a tentative hug.
* * * *
As Kevin sat watching the evening movie on the television, his mind inevitably drifted back to the conversation he’d had with Mrs Goldman a couple of days earlier. He’d often found himself spacing out whenever his mind wasn’t otherwise occupied. Peter and Terry—who were sitting either side of him—appeared to be fully absorbed in the all-action plot as yet another car chase was being played out. However, Kevin was too busy wrestling with the idea of forgiving Joey and going back to him, to pay the movie much attention.
Could he do it? Could he forgive Joey for what he’d done to him? He thought about all the times he’d gone back to Cal, only to find things hadn’t changed.
I’m not Cal, Pup, Kevin could hear Joey say in his head.
Aren’t you? Kevin asked the mental reconstruction of his former lover.
Cal hit you, abused you, humiliated you. I never did any of those things.
But you still ended up hurting me. You didn’t use your fists like Cal did, but the wounds I got were just as painful.
I know, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself.
Peter stood up, breaking Kevin’s train of thought. Glancing at the screen, Kevin realised they’d reached a commercial break.
Once Peter had left the room—presumably to visit the bathroom—Terry turned to Kevin. “That bit where he jumped out of that third-floor window, but still got up and ran off…great wasn’t it?”
“Uh, yeah, fantastic,” Kevin replied.
Terry gave Kevin an ‘I knew it’ look. “You haven’t been watching the film, have you? Nobody jumped out of any window.”
“Uh, sorry.”
“So what were you thinking about then?”
“What Joey’s mother said the other day.”
Terry sighed. “Your gonna forgive him, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know.” Kevin looked pleadingly up at his friend, hoping he’d understand.
“I’m a bloody fool, and Peter’ll kill me when he finds out I’m telling you this, but,” Terry turned in his seat so he was face-to-face with Kevin. “if you forgive him, is he gonna dump you or something the next time the going gets rough?”
Kevin shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. I know he’s really hurting over this…you should have seen him lying there in that hospital bed.”
“I know he was there for you when you two were together. I saw with my own eyes how he helped you become a lot stronger and more confident about yourself.”
Kevin nodded.
Sighing again, Terry continued, “This is one time when you could be there for him. Question is, are
you strong enough to do it?”
Kevin pondered. If he went back to Joey, what would happen? Would Joey walk all over him like Cal used to? Kevin knew that wasn’t likely. Unlike Cal, Joey hadn’t begged him to come back, promising him things would be different. Truth was Kevin didn’t actually know if Joey wanted him back. ’Course he does, you bloody fool, his internal voice told him.
Kevin realised if he could pluck up the courage and take the initiative and approach Joey, this would somehow break the usual cycle.
Taking a deep breath, Kevin looked up at his friend’s understanding and concerned face. “I have to be strong enough, ’cause he isn’t at the moment. Joey’s worth fighting for. I love him, it’s as simple as that.”
Having made the decision, Kevin felt euphoric. He wanted to leap from the settee and jump in the air. This was one way he could prove to everyone—not least himself—that he wasn’t the snivelling, pathetic weakling he always believed himself to be.
“What’s got you so pleased with yourself?” Peter asked, coming back into the room.
“He’s decided something,” Terry said, standing up and approaching his boyfriend.
“Oh?”
Terry turned to Kevin, who swallowed, knowing Peter would have a hard time accepting what he was about to say. “I’ve decided I’m man enough to forgive Joey for what he did.”
“Fuck. I knew it, I just knew it. Won’t you ever learn?”
Terry wrapped a restraining arm around Peter.
“No!” Kevin said loudly. “Joey’s not Cal. Trust me, Peter, he isn’t. He’s shown me time and time again that he isn’t.”
“But you almost killed yourself because of that bastard.”
“I know. And Joey’s sorry he hurt me.”
“That’s fucking big of him.”
“Haven’t you ever made a mistake?” Kevin asked, getting angry.
“Not one as big as that.”
“Okay, that’s fair,” Kevin conceded. “But have you?”
Peter paused for a moment. “Suppose so. But Kev, are you sure about this?”
“Not one-hundred percent, no. I’ve got to trust him. That’s what love’s all about isn’t it? If I don’t take the risk, I’ll never find happiness.”
“It’s a bloody big risk.”