Dawn was lighting the sky when Jed at last fell into a fitful sleep. When he woke, the light from the window told him it was no longer early.
Hastily he rose and changed from his crumpled clothing into clean brown pants, a fresh white shirt and a brown jacket. Feeling only slightly less like a buck that had been mauled by a bear, he made his way downstairs.
When he questioned the manservant, Jed was told that the squire and young Master Andrew were out riding, and that Lady Victoria had left for London.
With all his might, Jed fought the fresh wave of loneliness that gripped his stomach. When the man inquired as to whether he would like breakfast outdoors or in the morning room, Jed declined either. He did not believe he could manage any food just now.
He drew himself up straight, taking a deep breath, telling himself that the pain of Victoria’s absence would ease in time. He could only pray it would be soon, though there was little hope in him of that.
He forced himself to concentrate on the present.
Nina.
He was told that Her Ladyship was resting on the terrace. Jed muttered a thank-you and made his way there with determined steps. This was his chance to speak with her alone, and he was not going to miss it.
When he came to halt beside her lounging chair, Nina looked up with resignation, but no surprise. “I knew you would come.” With difficulty, she pushed herself up higher on the pillows.
He shrugged, not sure how he felt, now that the moment to confront her had arrived. “How could I not?” She was such a pitiful figure, trying to face him with what little strength was left in that fragile body.
She motioned toward one of the wicker chairs near her own. “Please, sit down.”
He spoke immediately, not wanting to allow the doubt that assailed him to stand in his way. “I have come for my son.”
Her dark brown eyes met his with unashamed pleading. “I know, and you have the right. I should not have kept him from you. I cannot even bear to think about my own life without him. But, Jedidiah, please, can you not see that you would be hurting him more than anyone? He loves his father… Harry… and has known no other sire.”
He looked away from her, not wanting to hear this, not wanting to acknowledge the hot agony of this truth inside himself. It was not fair, not right, that he should always be alone. Didn’t he, Jed, deserve someone to love and care for, someone who would love and care for him? He stood, shaking his head like an angry lion. “No, Nina. It isn’t right. I would have been a father to him. Would have loved him and taught him right from wrong with every bit of care that your Harry has.” He banged his fist against his chest. “I was robbed of the privilege, and now he looks to another man as his father. Am I to be punished for your sins for the rest of my life?”
She sat forward, her face as white as fresh snow. “Jedidiah, I am the one who has wronged you here. I freely admit my transgression. I stole what was yours, without regard to the injustice of it. I was young, and very selfish. I was afraid of what people would say about me if I told about the child and married you. I knew I was pregnant, and was desperately afraid of what might become of me, when I met Harry. He was visiting relatives in Bar Harbor. He seemed…taken with me, and I, knowing that this could be my chance to save my reputation and future, I encouraged him. In the end, we were married—but I did not set out to hurt you.”
Jed looked down at her fragile form, searching for the rage he had once felt toward her, but all he could summon up was a jaded sort of pity. “So you used him as you used me.”
She hung her head. “Yes.” Then she faced him again. “But only in the beginning. Harry is older than myself, and not incredibly handsome—well, I did not think so then— but he is kind and wise and loving. In the end, I could only fall in love with him. He was, is, more precious to me than I could ever have imagined.”
He watched her closely, listening for any hint that she might be lying to him. He could ascertain none, but he still pushed away the sympathy that rose up inside him. “What has this got to do with me, Nina? Why should I let your desires and feelings matter to me?”
She put her hands on the arms of her chair and leaned toward him, her desperation giving her strength. “You should not care about me, Jedidiah. In fact, you have no reason at all to do so. I will not be long in this world. It is Harry and Andrew that matter to me, and I hope Andrew does to you. You must see that when I die, Andrew will need his father.”
Still Jed fought to deny the untenable truth. “I am his father.”
She shook her head. “He has known no father but Harry. Can you imagine what it will be like for him to be taken away from here, from the life he has known?” She sagged back against the pillows, having exhausted her small store of energy. “He would not thank you for that.”
“He would come to see that I loved him in time, and would even come to understand why I had to take him. We have already struck up a bond of sorts.”
Her burning, fevered eyes met his. “At what cost, Jedidiah? Do you hate me so much that you are willing to go so far to get revenge? I deserve it, but neither Harry nor Andrew does. And, God help us all, Jedidiah, you cannot punish me without punishing them.”
The next breath she drew exploded in a harsh burst of coughing. Her whole body spasmed as she held a laceedged handkerchief to her lips.
Without even knowing he was going to do so, Jed found himself holding her, rubbing her back gently until the attack eased. He could not help but see how pathetic she had become, how close to death she walked.
All these years later, here he was, offering her what little comfort he could as she pleaded for the one thing she had learned meant anything. Her family.
Nina had discovered that much, at least. This realization made him wonder what he had learned. When she subsided against the cushions and closed her eyes, Jed asked, “Is there something I can get you?”
She shook her head without opening her eyes. “No, just allow me to rest for a moment.”
He sat down, feeling helpless and confused. Was Victoria right? Was he keeping himself from belonging to anyone?
He thought of the Cooks, of how they had taken him in when he needed someone. They had loved him as if he were their own, Sebastian giving him a half share of the business when he died. And Peter, Sebastian’s real son, had welcomed him with open arms, had said he deserved it. Jed had never felt quite worthy, quite secure. He had driven himself in his work to the point of obsession. On more than one occasion Peter had thrown up his hands and said, “Enough, Jed. We have enough.”
Only when he received the letter from Nina had he felt he had just cause to leave the work behind. His obsession had been transferred to this new cause, that of finding and taking his child. He’d felt that this might finally be the thing that could fill the hole inside him.
Here he was, on the verge of having what he had sought so desperately, suddenly realizing that it would not answer his emptiness. Was it possible that the solution to his loneliness was inside him? Could he change his life by risking his safety and reaching out for happiness?
Jed ran his hands over his face, not sure what he should do.
At that moment, he heard the sounds of footsteps approaching. He looked up and saw Harry Fairfield come through the French doors.
When he saw Jed, the man’s expression became grim, and he wondered why. Then, as soon as his gaze came to rest on his wife, the squire blanched and rushed to her side. “Nina, love, are you all right?”
She opened her eyes and gazed up at him with abject devotion. “Harry, you worry too much.”
Jed spoke up. “I did not know what to do. She started coughing. I asked if I could help, but she refused.”
Harry Fairfield looked at him for a long moment, then smiled gently. “Of that I am certain. You have been very good to us, sir. You have, in fact, given me what I hold most dear.”
Jed found that he could not look away from the other man’s gaze. Then it hit him, with the force of a cannon blast.
Harry had guessed, guessed that Jedidiah had fathered his son. He knew the truth, and made no recriminations against his wife. In fact, the knowledge seemed to have affected him not in the least, as far as his love for Nina and Andrew was concerned.
Jed looked at the other man, understanding as he did so that this was a depth of love and forgiveness he had never experienced. The Cooks had treated him well out of pity. At least not until he met Victoria. Only she, of all the people he had known in his life, had ever shown such generosity toward him, forgiving him when he wronged her.
It was true that she had not mentioned love or marriage. Neither had he.
Did he have the courage to do so? Could he risk rejection and hurt by coming forward and telling her of his feelings?
Could he not? Jed no longer saw how he could go on without at least trying.
He looked toward the man who knelt beside his sick wife. In order to know any peace, he must allow these people to go on with their lives. Jed stood, as did the squire. “I believe I have caused you and your family enough disruption.” He indicated Nina, who was watching him warily, too weak to try to convince him anymore. As he continued, her face changed and tears of gratitude filled her dark eyes. “You have enough trouble for any man, without my adding to it.”
At that moment, Andrew came bounding out onto the terrace, water seeping from wet clothes, his blond hair plastered to his head. “Father, Mother, I caught a fish.” Those green eyes were bright with excitement. “He tried to take my pole with him, but I went in the pond after it.”
Harry Fairfield looked at the boy with unreserved adoration. “I can see that, my young man. Perhaps you should have changed before treading on the carpets.”
Chastened, Andrew bit his lip. “Uh, oh, I really should have.” Then his inherent exuberance gushed forth again as he rushed to Jed’s side. “What do you think, Mr. McBride? Isn’t he a fine fish?”
Jed’s throat ached with the realization that this boy would never know he was his father, but he forced himself to speak as normally as he could. “He certainly is a fine fish.” Unable to stop himself, he reached out and ran his hand over that wet blond hair, so much like his own. “The finest fish I’ve ever seen, caught by the finest… fisherman.”
With the greatest effort of his life, he brought himself under control. “I’ll be saying goodbye now. It was very good to meet you.”
Andrew gazed up at him in disappointment. “Will we be seeing you again soon?”
Jedidiah shook his head. “I wouldn’t think so. You and your father will be wanting to concentrate on helping your mother. That is the important thing.”
Protectively, Andrew moved to Nina’s side. “Perhaps you are right.” He looked down at her, his expression puzzled and concerned. “Mother, are you crying?”
She shook her head, her gaze meeting Jed’s as she smiled in gratitude. “No, not crying. The sun was in my eyes, that’s all.”
Jed knew that he had done the right thing, but he did not know how much longer he could hold up if he continued to stand there and look at the three of them, so much a unit, so very distinct from him. In a tight voice, he said, “If you will excuse me, I must go and pack.” He nodded to each in turn. As his eyes lit lastly upon Nina, he saw her mouth the words Thank you.
Jed knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself glancing toward his son. Andrew stood tall, his green eyes, so much the mirror of his own, meeting Jed’s one last time, before the pain slicing through his gut forced Jed to turn away. He strode into the house, not daring to look back.
An hour later, Jed was astride the horse he had borrowed and on his way to London. He had refused the loan of the brougham, feeling he would be much quicker on horseback. If he made haste, he was sure, he could be in London by nightfall.
He refused to even question the wisdom of his actions. Rushing headlong into this was the only way he felt he could follow through. There was only one way to find out if there was any future for himself and Victoria.
No matter how difficult it might prove, he would go to her and lay his heart on the line. He would tell her that he loved her. He would ask her to marry him.
He could only pray that her answer would be yes.
Chapter Sixteen
Victoria had not gone on to London, as she’d led Jedidiah to believe she would. She arrived at Briarwood two days after leaving the Fairfields’.
Having thought that being in her own home would help ease the ache of her misery at being parted from the man she knew was the only one she would ever love, Victoria was disheartened to find that even here she could not escape the anguish of losing him. Everywhere she went there were reminders of Jedidiah.
In the dining room, she imagined him seated across from her, his enigmatic eyes on hers. In the sitting room, she envisioned him standing tall and handsome in the light of the windows. He was everywhere, and try as she might, she could not make him leave her thoughts.
Even the servants seemed to feel his absence, though he had been with them only a short time. One by one they asked after his return, and each time she told them he was returning to America, her broken heart ached afresh.
Even though it was her first day back at Briarwood, Victoria threw herself into her work. She knew it was her duty to spend long hours going over the items that had been neglected in her absence. Her need to immerse herself in her work was not connected in any way to the man she so badly needed to put from her mind. It was when she came across the paperwork that transferred several boilers to the possession of one Captain Jedidiah McBride that she broke down in a deluge of tears.
For years she had not allowed herself the release of crying, and now it seemed that was all she did. She held a lace handkerchief to her face to muffle the sounds of her grief.
Victoria looked up with a guilty start as a knock sounded on the oak door of her father’s study. Wiping her eyes hastily, she straightened her spine and called out, “Enter.”
“My lady…” the liveried manservant who opened the door began. “There is a gentleman here to see you. He says it is quite urgent and personal.”
Hope surged up in her chest, for a breathless moment. Then she pushed it down. Surely the man would have recognized Jedidiah. She forced herself to speak normally. “Did he give his name?”
“He said only to tell you that it was Ian.”
For a brief moment, she closed her eyes. “Of course.” Taking a deep breath, Victoria looked at him. “Where is he?”
He bowed. “In the green sitting room, Lady Victoria.”
“Tell him I will attend him shortly.” With a nod of thanks and dismissal, Victoria stood and drew herself up to her full height. She should have expected Ian to take some action. Her note had told him little. She had planned to write to him, to explain that she could not be his wife, but she had not done so.
The deed could no longer be postponed. Victoria wished only that Ian had not come all this way to see her. How very awful she was, to have made him go to this trouble simply to learn that she would not have him.
Ian stood when she entered the room. He came toward her slowly, his gaze intent. As always, she was struck by his sensual presence and his dark good looks, and she wished she could care for him. She could not.
Victoria halted him before he could speak. “Ian, please do not say anything. First, let me tell you how very sorry I am for the way I have treated you. It is unconscionable. I would understand perfectly if you wished to withdraw your proposal because of it.”
He continued to study her for another long moment. “Should I, Victoria? Is that what you would want me to do?”
She held his gaze. “Yes, Ian, that is what I want you to do. You deserve more than I would ever be able to give you.”
He looked away. “It is McBride, isn’t it?”
Past lying now, feeling that she owed this man truth, if nothing else, she nodded. “Yes.”
He smiled stiffly. “I thought as much, but I wanted to hear you say it. He’s a fi
ne man. Where is he? I would like to offer my congratulations. I hope you will invite me to the wedding.”
She raised her chin high, refusing to acknowledge its trembling. “Cousin Jedidiah and I are not going to be married, sir. He is on his way back to America.”
His taken-aback expression quickly dissolved into a frown. “Then he is a fool.”
Pride would not allow her to show this man just how much she was hurting. Victoria looked at him, again feeling sorry that she could not care about him. But it was Jedidiah McBride who had captured her heart, and nothing could change that. “Ian, you are a good man. I hope that, despite everything, we can be friends.” She held out her hand.
He took it. “I would like that, too. And remember, if you ever need anything, or change your mind…” He smiled ruefully and shrugged.
She could not help smiling gently in return. “That is very kind of you, but I don’t think I will be changing my mind. Again I must say you are worthy of far more than I would be able to give you.”
He shrugged again.
To Victoria’s relief, Ian made his excuses a short time later, saying he had other pressing business to attend to. It was obvious he understood that she felt somewhat awkward over what had happened between them.
Victoria sighed as she watched him leave, his sensitivity making her wonder for a brief second if she had made a mistake. The thought was quickly dispelled. She could marry no one right now, not with the wound of Jedidiah’s leaving so fresh and aching inside her.
She looked around the empty room, and suddenly realized that she had to get out. There were too many memories of the sea captain in this room, in this house that had once been her refuge. Now it felt like a prison.
Going to her bedchamber, Victoria quickly changed into a riding habit. Mary was the one person who might understand. Although she did not want to burden her friend with her own problems, especially with her father so ill, Victoria had to at least see her.
Her mare was somewhat restive as they started out across the parkland, but she soon settled down. It was a beautiful day in early April, and Victoria suddenly realized that only a month had passed since Jedidiah McBride rescued her on the roadside.
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