When he could take no more, but knew he’d never get enough, Derek walked out.
Chapter 26
“We’re going out this weekend.”
Rayna sighed and switched the phone to her other ear. “No, not this weekend, Tish.”
“Rayna, come on! You need to get out of the house and out of this funk.”
“I have been out of the house. I just got home from the clinic.”
Tish groaned. “That doesn’t count.”
“It counts for me. Besides, I have to work this weekend.”
“You work every weekend. I thought you were hiring another vet?”
Rayna sorted through the pile of mail on the kitchen counter. “I did. She starts next week.”
“That’s great! I’m really proud of you.”
Rayna nodded. She didn’t feel any pride; actually she felt anxiety. She’d only survived the last four weeks since breaking up with the liar because she’d been working so much. Now she was going to have time on her hands, and the idea of that had fear blazing up and down her spine on a regular basis. No, pride was definitely not what she was feeling, but Tish didn’t need to know that. “Thanks.”
“Okay, so we won’t go out this weekend. We can do that next weekend. But, we should at least go get toes done and have lunch on Sunday.”
“Fine. Toes and lunch on Sunday.” Rayna sighed. She’d cancel on Tish by the time Sunday rolled around, but her best friend didn’t need to know that either.
“Yay! Perfect. I’ll call you later, okay?”
“You don’t need to call me later. I’m fine. I’m going to make some dinner, watch some Netflix and then go to bed.”
Tish laughed. “Yeah, definitely calling you later.”
“Tish—”
“Bye!”
Rayna pulled the phone away from her ear and double-checked to be sure Tish actually did hang up. Rayna sighed again. Whatever. She’d just accidentally leave her phone in her bedroom while she watched television later. Tish would call, but Rayna really didn’t want to talk more.
This had become the new norm. Tish worrying. Rayna avoiding her. Her best friend thought Rayna should give Derek a second chance. Rayna didn’t agree. Second chances were never a good idea.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...
Yeah, that was a big no thanks. Rayna’s mother had given Rayna’s dad a million “second chances,” and he exploited every single one of them. And not by being a good and faithful husband, but more as another chance to do or screw anyone he wanted, knowing his poor little wife would just forgive him anyway.
No way was Rayna going to be anyone’s poor little wife. She gasped, letting out a little whimper, and pressed her hand to her mouth.
Wife...
The minute the thought passed through her mind, a piercing ache hit her chest. She’d never be Derek’s wife. Besides, he’d already had one of those once. But the awful truth was, she had wanted to be his wife. She really had.
Rayna moved to her bedroom and lay on her bed. Good grief, she missed him. So much that at times it was overwhelming. Was it ever going to stop hurting? Was she ever going to stop thinking about him? And she missed Axle too.
Wasn’t four weeks enough for a broken heart to heal?
Apparently not, because Rayna’s heart was as raw and splintered today as it’d been the day she saw him with his ex. But then, less than twenty-four hours later, her heart shattered into a zillion pieces when he confessed to not trusting her enough to tell her about his daughter, and worse, thinking she wouldn’t understand.
Who did he think she was? Some sort of cold-hearted, closed off, emotionally void person?
She wasn’t.
She never had been.
Rayna had fallen hopelessly in love with him, given him her heart, and he’d been betraying her in the worst way. Worse than if he’d actually cheated on her. She never thought anything could be worse than cheating, but what Derek had done to her felt so much worse.
He’d shut her out, assuming something he had no clue about. He kept a huge part of his life from her, and he’d done it willingly. She couldn’t forgive him for that, or ever trust him again.
She’d wanted kids. She’d wanted marriage.
And she’d been foolish enough to want them with Derek. Sadly, now she knew that would never happen. Other people got to have those things. Other people got to have the dream.
Rayna got to be alone, and she’d just have to be okay with that.
* * * *
With a heavy dose of self-pity pumping through his veins, Derek sat in his dark living room after his shift. There was a beer in his hands that he wasn’t drinking. He hadn’t turned the television on...because why bother? It wasn’t like he’d watch it, if it were.
His faithful partner was lying on the floor by Derek’s feet. Axle was so in tune to Derek’s emotional state, he wouldn’t leave Derek’s side.
Derek was in hell, and there appeared to be no end in sight to the emotional burn he was living with. It’d been four weeks since he walked away from the love of his life. Four fucking weeks of misery, loneliness and regret. As a result, life had become a never-ending hell of: get up, shower, eat, work, sleep...rinse, repeat. The only variation and bright spot being the times Megan was with him.
There was no one to blame but himself. He’d fucked up, end of story. In hindsight, he should’ve just told Rayna about his daughter on their first date. Or hell, even before the first date. Maybe if he’d told her straight out, then they’d still be together. Either that or she would’ve never agreed to go on the date to begin with. The former was preferable, but truth was, he had no way of knowing what would’ve happened.
He only knew what did happen, and what had happened sucked. Derek took a sip of his beer, which had now definitely gone warm. Setting it on the end table, he linked his hands behind his head and closed his eyes.
Hindsight wasn’t twenty-twenty, like people wanted to pretend it was. Hindsight was a fucking illusion.
There’d been so many things Derek had wanted to tell her. When he’d walked away, he’d wanted to beg, plead and stay there with her until she understood. But for obvious reasons, he hadn’t.
If he had a chance to do it over again, he’d be sure to tell her how much he loved her, how much he was in love with her, and that, yes, he wanted more kids and he also wanted to get married again.
More importantly, he wanted all that with her.
Chapter 27
Derek pulled up to an intersection and stopped at the red light. Just a few hours into his shift and so far, all was quiet. He was only a couple of miles away from where Rayna’s clinic was located, and once he got through this major cross-street he planned to head in the other direction.
Last week he’d stopped cruising past. After four weeks of innocent drive-bys, always praying he’d catch a glimpse of her, Derek figured it was best to stop doing that. Self-torture wasn’t his deal. Not normally anyway.
He’d never been a masochist, and he wasn’t about to start being one now. Cold turkey was the way to go. Of course, depriving himself was just another form of self-torture. So basically he wasn—
The sound of tires chirping caught his attention, and Derek looked toward the sound to see the car two lanes over blow right through the red light. “What in the holy fuck!”
Flipping on his red and blues and siren, Derek cut the wheel, pulled around a car that was stopped in front of him, and checked the cross intersection both ways before pulling through and going after the car.
Dammit! He needed to pay better attention. Six weeks he’d been without her, which meant for the past six weeks he’d been distracted. Distracted was not something there was room for in his line of work.
Not even a half a mile later, he caught up to the car. Unsure if the asshole was going to comply, Dere
k was shocked when the car slowed and then signaled before making a right into a side street lined with industrial buildings.
He followed, and as the vehicle came to a stop on the side of the road in front of him, Derek pulled up behind it. After reporting in his location via radio and providing the plate number on the car, Derek got out of his patrol car.
Axle was barking his head off, but Derek continued without him. No reason for his partner in the backseat to be involved in a routine traffic stop. The guy appeared to be alone, but Derek wouldn’t know for sure until he could see clearly into the vehicle.
With his right hand poised at the butt of his service weapon, he neared the side of the car, scanning the interior through the windows, as well as the driver.
Derek’s eyes went wide as the large man scrambled across the front seat, threw open the passenger door and ran.
“Son of a bitch!” Derek took off around the front of the guy’s car and chased him. “Stop! Police!” The suspect ducked around the side of a building, and Derek kept going. The bastard was big, easily over six feet tall and probably around two fifty, so he wasn’t fast and, wasting no time, Derek caught up to him. “Police! I said stop!”
A second later, the guy tripped over a pile of wooden pallets, and Derek lunged, taking him from a stumble to a hard fall onto the pavement.
They both landed with a grunt, the momentum of the fall causing them to roll over. After righting himself, Derek gripped the man’s arm. The guy yanked away, breaking Derek’s hold, and attempted to get back on his feet. Lunging for the man, Derek tackled him around the waist, throwing all his weight into the suspect’s body.
Somehow the man managed to flip and get Derek in a headlock. “Get off, now!” With a loud grunt, Derek tried to break the guy’s hold, but the bastard yanked to his left, taking Derek with him. “Motherfucker, let go! Stop resisting!”
Enough of this shit! As Derek tried to get a knee under himself to gain some leverage, he let go of the guy with one hand long enough to hit the remote on his belt to open the back door for Axle.
But that’s when things took an entirely different turn.
Still caught in a headlock by the suspect, Derek heard the snarling bark of Axle approaching. The man yanked back, releasing Derek as he did. Suddenly free, Derek rolled to his right, and then rotated to—
POP!
Still on his knees, Derek jerked to the side, and then fell on his ass. What the fuck was that? The hot sting in the left side of Derek’s neck barely registered, and it took him another second to realize what had just happened.
The suspect got to his feet and started to run again.
Wasting no time, Derek stood, drew his weapon, and at the same time called for backup with his shoulder radio as he took aim on the suspect. “Stop! Drop the gun! Now!”
Axle flew past Derek, barking furiously, and then latched onto the suspect’s arm, growling and tugging at the man’s flesh. The man started screaming and was on his way back down.
POP!
A loud yelp resonated in Derek’s ears to the depths of his soul, and he watched in horror as Axle let the guy go, but then lunged for the dude when he started to flee again.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuck! With Axle in the fray, the last thing Derek wanted to do was accidentally shoot his partner.
A warm, then cold, wet sensation mingled with the burn in the side of Derek’s neck, but he ignored it and took aim once more on the shooter. “Drop your weapon!”
Axle tore into the fucker’s arm, growling like a thing of nightmares. The man stumbled back, falling on his ass, and lost hold of his weapon as Axle held on tight. Sirens sounded in the background as other officers got closer to the scene.
Derek holstered his gun and charged forward, taking the man down onto his side. Another hard hit, the wind knocked out of both of them. With Axle’s teeth still locked onto the guy’s arm, Derek somehow got the man rolled over and then yanked one arm behind his back. “Stop resisting!” Derek shoved a knee in the man’s lower back, freed his cuffs and caught the wrist he had hold of. “You shot me, you son of a bitch!” Derek managed to snag the other arm and then secured both hands. “And you shot my partner!”
Axle growled, shaking his head back and forth, teeth still clamped on the moron’s arm. The guy let out a loud cry, likely in a lot of pain. But no way Derek was pulling the animal off yet.
The sound of other officers approaching got Derek’s attention, and when they made it to him, Derek jumped to his feet and let them relieve him.
Coming around, he took a hold of Axle’s choke collar and harness with both hands and pulled hard, and at the same time gave Axle the bite command. Trained to never let go of a suspect, when Axle couldn’t breathe any longer due to Derek’s hold, only then did he release his bite.
With his heart pounding from adrenaline, Derek moved about ten feet away from the officers now handling the suspect, went to his knees and began examining his partner. There was blood on Axle’s fur, but Derek couldn’t find where the bullet had entered.
Another officer stepped next to him. “Ambulance is en route for you.”
Confused, Derek glanced up at him.
The officer motioned to Derek’s neck. “Looks like a flesh wound, but no way to tell without you getting checked out.”
Derek touched his fingertips to the side of his neck and winced. “I can wait. I need to get Axle to his vet first.”
With concern racing through him, Derek probed gently at the area where the blood was the heaviest. Axle was still all sorts of riled up. Panting, yipping, tongue hanging out, tail flopping side to side. The dog was burning as much adrenaline as Derek was.
“I’ll take him, Shirley.”
Derek looked up from Axle to see his best friend. Relief blanketed him, making him let out a long sigh...and then a hot poker stuck him in the neck. At least that’s what it felt like was happening to him now. “Okay, yeah. Thanks, Jeff. Take him to Rayna.” Derek nodded and touched the side of his neck again. “Fucking hell, this stings.”
What a goddamn shit show.
* * * *
Rayna stared at her cell phone screen, reading past messages from Derek that she’d yet to erase. She should erase them, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not yet. Closing the message window, she opened up her photos.
Resting her forearms on her desk, Rayna held her phone and scrolled through the folder of pictures titled “Us.” One of her and Derek in Prescott. Another at the bowling alley, his arms around her. One of just him in her kitchen doing the dishes. Another with him, Axle by his side.
She hadn’t stopped missing him. Or the dog. The constant ache in her chest was proof of that. There were days she woke and thought—hoped—maybe that would be the day she’d feel better or didn’t think of him. Today was no exception.
Two weeks ago, she still couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that he’d lied, but worse, that he’d thought she wouldn’t accept his child. Though, since then, Rayna had started to see it a little differently.
No lie, Tish had a hand in her changed view, but still. Each night in bed, Rayna would sift through her memories of their conversations. Recalling times when she commented about kids, or marriage, or anything that might make her sound like she wouldn’t understand him. That she wouldn’t accept him as is.
It was bad enough he’d thought she wouldn’t forgive him for not telling her, but to think that she wouldn’t want to be with him because he had a child had hurt Rayna so deeply she couldn’t see around it.
And of course, that had been Tish’s exact point: how could Rayna continue to be angry at the man, or not forgive him, when Rayna had reacted in the exact same way he’d feared?
Tish was right, and as Rayna explored the memories of her and Derek, their conversations, Rayna saw exactly how he could’ve perceived things she said, even off-handed comments, as her
not being open to what a life with him would mean.
Of course, due to her past cop issues—Rayna groaned and put her phone down—he would definitely be afraid that she wouldn’t abide by the kind of close friendship he had with his ex.
Rayna would see it as a threat, but only because she would be afraid to trust him. But she didn’t have to see his ex as a threat, and she didn’t have to be afraid to trust him. She could choose to be rational and logical. Rayna could choose to be brave, and she could choose to trust. Good grief, she could become friends with his ex, too. Why not?
Except now, it was probably too late. Surely he’d moved on. She hadn’t, but she couldn’t exactly blame him if he had.
Derek had confessed all to her and bared his soul, and she’d given him nothing but a cold shoulder and a stone-hard stare. She’d been horrible to him, and the memory of the look on his face hadn—
A loud noise followed by yelling echoed from outside her office. Rayna scrambled to her feet and threw open her door. “What’s happening?”
Standing in the entryway to the back area was Jeff. Derek’s best friend. Which meant... Oh God, no!
Rayna’s two vet techs, Gina and Patrick, were hovering over a large animal on the metal treatment table in the center of the back area. Andrea, the head tech, was grabbing supplies from the cabinet, pulling down rolls of gauze and IV tubing.
With fear blazing through her veins, Rayna rushed forward. “All right, what do we have?”
She looked down at the dog and immediately realized this wasn’t Rio, Jeff’s partner, on the table. A cold dread filled her limbs, and Rayna closed her eyes. God, no...please?
“Adult male shepherd, gunshot wound,” Gina said.
How was this happening? God, this could not be happening! Rayna opened her eyes to see Gina take some gauze from Andrea and press it to the wound on the dog’s left shoulder. She glanced at Jeff, hoping for something, anything. He didn’t say a word, only gave her a nod and then turned and walked back to the lobby. Apparently he had nothing to share, about Axle...or Derek. And that had her blood running cold.
Avoiding the Badge Page 22