by Sparkle
Without saying another word, Calvin walked out and slammed the door.
My mom ran to the front door and opened it. She yelled, “Calvin, come back.”
Calvin apparently ignored her because he never came back. She shut the front door and sat back down on the couch. With watery eyes, she looked at me. “See how your lies are breaking up this family?”
My hands flew up in the air. “Oh my God. Mama, you talk about you're tired. I'm tired of explaining myself to you. For once, I want a mom who will have my back and take up for me for a change.”
“But, don't you see what these lies are doing to me. I love both of you. I shouldn't have to make a choice of whose side I'm on,” she said.
“I'm your daughter. There shouldn't be any choice. You should know that I wouldn't make it up. You should trust me enough to know that, but instead you're so busy following up behind him.”
“Sade, you are way out of line now. I hear what you're saying, but none of it makes any sense to me. I would have known if Calvin was doing something to you. You never said anything, so why make it up now?”
Talking to my mom about Calvin was like talking to a brick wall. Everything I said bounced right off her. The pain in my heart pierced right through my soul. I didn't know what else to do or what else to say. I felt hopeless and wondered if my mom and I would ever be able to recover from this breach in our relationship. I eased up out of the chair. “Whatever mom. You're going to believe what you want to believe. You didn't even notice he never really answered your question, now did he? Ask yourself why? Because he's guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty!”
~29~
JOYCE
My head hurt. The stress of Sade's accusations and Calvin's attitude had me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Sade went to her room and I remained in the living room; trying to make sense out of what had transpired. I dosed off on the couch. When I woke and saw how late it was, I went to my room and called Calvin.
Calvin's phone calls went straight to voice mail. I cursed him out on several messages. I threw the phone on the side of the bed and attempted to get some sleep. I tossed and turned all night, hoping Calvin would return home. Throughout the night, I recalled how Calvin never came out and said, “No, Joyce, I never touched Sade.”
Could what Sade had been saying about Calvin all of this time be true? No, it couldn't be. Calvin loves me. He would never hurt me or hurt my daughter in that way.
A part of me didn't want to believe the words coming out of my mouth, but my mind and heart refused to believe that of Calvin.
I was in deep thought when Calvin staggered in our room smelling like yesterday's garbage. “Calvin, where were you? I've been worried about you,” I said.
“Somewhere where I'm wanted,” he responded. He peeled off his clothes.
“I hope you weren't with another woman. If you were, you can leave because I dealt with you cheating before we got married, but adultery is something I will not tolerate,” I snapped. I meant it. We could work through anything, but him cheating on me now that I was his wife was out.
“Woman, I was not cheating on you.”
“Then what kept you out all night? You're married. You should have been sleeping in your own bed.”
“You should have thought about that before you came at me the way you did last night,” Calvin snapped.
“I only did what I thought was best. I'm tired of the tension in this house. I'm stressed out at work. I'm stressed out at home. I have no peace.”
“That's not my fault. If you stopped trying to please everybody, then you would.”
“Calvin, all I wanted to know is why did you storm out and stay gone all night? We're supposed to be able to talk about anything.”
“We should, but lately, you've been so busy trying to please that lying daughter of yours, that it's coming between us. I told you I'm not going to deal with disrespect in my own house.”
“I'm only trying to get to the bottom of the situation,” I responded.
“You'll get enough of falsely accusing me of stuff.” Calvin grabbed a clean towel and stormed out of the room to the bathroom.
“I hate you,” I heard Sade yell from out in the hallway.
I jumped out of the bed and headed straight to the hallway. “What's going on here?” I asked.
Calvin stood in front of the bathroom and Sade stood out in the hallway. Sade looked at me. “Ask your husband!” Sade stormed off and went to her room. The next sound I heard was Sade slamming her bedroom door.
“Calvin, what is Sade talking about?” I stood still with my arms folded.
Calvin ignored me. He went into the bathroom and shut the door. Oh, no, you're not going to ignore me. I ran to the door and turned the knob. It didn't bulge. I beat on the door. “Calvin, open up and answer me. What was that about?” Calvin wasn't making the situation any better with his funky attitude. Was there some truth in what Sade had been saying? If it was, Calvin would have hell to pay. I was determined to get to the bottom of this situation. I beat on the bathroom door again.
“Joyce, I'm tired. I want to take a shower and get some sleep. Can a man get that when he comes home?”
Since Calvin was being bull-headed and wouldn't open the door, I decided to go talk to Sade. I knocked on her door, but she didn't respond. Surprisingly, when I turned the knob, the door opened. Sade was curled up in the corner of her bed with her pillow staring out into space in the dark room.
I flipped the light on. “Sade, what happened out there?”
Sade looked at me, but didn't move. “The same thing that always happens when he gets me alone.”
“Did he touch you?” I asked.
“No, he looked at me funny like he always does,” Sade responded.
I laughed. I couldn't believe it. All this drama because he looked at her funny. “Come on, now. You can't be mad at someone for looking at you.”
“He has no business looking at me with lust in his eyes.”
I had no response. I felt caught in the middle. It was a he said, she said type of situation. I loved them both and if I were to be honest with myself, I didn't know whom to believe.
Sade tilted her head up and said.”If you don't get him out of here, I'm leaving. Living on the streets would be better than living under the same roof as that pervert.”
“Stop it. Just stop it. You're not going anywhere. You have a baby to think about too.”
Sade laughed. “You don't care about me and you don't care about my baby.”
“Sade, I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. Talking to the both of you didn't work, so just give me some time to figure out what needs to be done.”
“Whatever,” Sade responded.
Dejected, I left the room. It seemed that Sade had lost all faith in me. I tried to look at things from her point of view, but I also had to look at the total picture. Things just weren't adding up and until they did, I had to take my neutral stance. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. What stared back at me was a frail woman who had lost control of her life? How could I regain myself? I didn't know how much more of this I could take.
~30~
SADE
I woke up to Calvin and my mom's loud voices. I felt bad leaving my mom alone to deal with Calvin, but I had to get to my bus stop. If I didn't leave now, I would miss my bus. I looked down at my stomach. It seemed to have grown overnight. None of the clothes I put on fit me properly anymore.
I left the apartment without telling my mom I was gone. I wouldn't be missed. I'm sure.
“Hey, girl,” Crystal said to Sade as she neared her old bus stop.
I only had a few minutes to talk. I stopped and held a brief conversation with Crystal. “There goes my bus. I'll see you later,” I said, right before rushing to catch my school bus.
My eyes watered as I viewed from my bus window Crystal walking on to my old school bus. It was times like these that I missed Booker T. My neighborhood school wasn't bad beca
use I grew up with most of the kids, but it wasn't anything like Booker T.
Instead of being active, I found myself being withdrawn at school. I didn't make much effort to make any new friends. My only goal was going to class and passing to the next grade. Being at school, took me away from the problems at home. With all that was going on, maybe I should have stayed at home with my mom, today.
“Ouch,” a deep male voice said.
I had accidentally run smack into the middle of a tall, mocha colored boy with the deep voice. “I'm so sorry,” I said, apologetically.
“I'll forgive you, if you'll give me your number,” the stranger responded.
I moved my books. Giving him a good view of my protruding belly. “You might not want that.”
The stranger wouldn't give up. “You having a baby shouldn't stop us from being friends now should it?” he asked.
“Of course not,” I responded.
“Then, I don't see a problem.” He held out his hand. “I'm Brandon Lockett.”
“Sade Washington,” I responded, shaking his hand.
“What a pretty name? Sade, I'll be seeing you around. Maybe next time you'll slip me that number.”
“Why put off later, what you can have now.” I wrote my number down and handed it to him. I tried to play it cool, but inside I was excited that the cute guy had asked me for my number.
“I'll be calling you,” the guy assured me.
I smiled as I headed to class. My day at school went by without any drama. My body immediately tensed up the moment I stepped foot inside of the apartment. I called out, “Mom, are you here?”
Her car was parked outside, so I knew she wasn't at work. When I didn't get a response, I dropped my backpack by my bedroom door and then headed towards their room. The door was ajar so I peeked in.
The sight of my mom sleeping wasn't abnormal. What was abnormal was her huge puffed up black eye. I covered my mouth as I gasped.
“Sade, is that you?” my mom whispered.
“Yes, mama.” I rushed to her bedside.
I reached out to touch her face.
She blocked my hand. She said, “Don't. It hurts.”
“Did Calvin do this to you?” I already knew the answer, but wanted her to tell me.
“He was mad. I made him do it. I shouldn't have badgered him about answering my questions.”
“Mama, this is not your fault. Calvin needs his ass kicked.”
“Watch your mouth,” she said as she coughed.
I noticed red marks on her neck. “Did he choke you too? Mama, you need to call the police. This is assault.”
Calvin burst in the room. “Little girl, you better stay in a child's place. What goes on with me and your mother is just our business.”
He stood near the foot of the bed. A part of me was scared because Calvin had crossed the line with my mom physically so I wasn't sure what he would do to me.
Regardless of being scared, I boldly stood up and said, “You bastard. Keep your hands off my mama.”
Calvin twisted his head from one side to the other. He laughed. “Sade, I'm not playing with you. Your mom needs to rest, so I suggest you leave her and me alone right now.”
My mom shifted her body in an upright position, grunted and said, “Sade, baby. I'm okay. I just need to get some rest. Go do your homework or something.”
“But, mama.”
“Sade, I'm okay,” my mom yelled.
I didn't want to leave her. As much as she protested, I knew she wasn't okay. She was allowing the monster to get away with something else. When would the abuse ever end? I eased past Calvin as he stood near the end of the bed. He reached out towards me, but I was too fast for him and rushed out the room. He laughed. I didn't.
My phone rang. It was still in my backpack, so I ignored it. Once I was safely sitting on my bed, I took the phone out of it and scrolled through my missed calls phone log. There was a call from Crystal and a text message. I immediately dialed Crystal's number. Before I could say anything, Crystal blurted out, “We're on our way to swoop you up so we can go cash our check.”
“Good, because I need to get out of here before I kill someone.”
“Did Calvin try to touch you again?” Crystal asked.
“I'll tell you everything when y'all come pick me up.” I hung up and quickly changed out of my school uniform into something else. The loose fitting black pants and top felt more comfortable.
After I dressed, I grabbed my phone and keys and sat outside of the apartment complex to wait on Jada, Crystal, and Dena.
Jada swooped her car out front. “Hi, y'all,” I said as I slipped in the back seat.
“What's up?” Dena asked from the other side of the back seat.
I gave them an update on the latest drama in my household.
“Your mom stupid,” Jada blurted out.
“Jada, she's still my mom.”
“No way would I be letting a man beat up on me,” Jada said. “That's all I'm saying.”
I'm glad Crystal and Dena hadn't shared what else Calvin had been doing. With her comments, I definitely didn't feel comfortable talking to her about it.
Crystal intervened, “I hate to see your mom go through this too.”
“Let's talk about something else. Like when do we get in the studio? Ms. want to be our manager, can you tell us that?” I asked, looking up at Jada's eyes in the rearview mirror.
Jada responded, “Ha. Ha. Yes. We should meet with the producer as soon as next month.”
“Next month. Cool. I hope it's on my birthday. That'll be a great birthday present.”
“When's your birthday?” Jada asked.
“The sixteenth.”
“She'll be sweet sixteen,” Dena said.
I looked at Dena. “Ain't nothing sweet about me turning sixteen.”
“Awe, it can't be that bad,” Jada said.
“Trust me. It is,” I responded and then looked out the window.
~31~
JOYCE
The tears flowing down my face stung my swollen eye. I tried to stop crying but couldn't. Calvin just finished making love to me and telling me how sorry he was for hitting me. He put the blame on me. He said it was my fault for pushing him over the edge.
How did my life get to this point? Before marrying Calvin, he had never laid his hands on me. This was the second time he'd attacked me physically. I worked at a hospital so I met battered women all of the time. I could never understand how a woman would allow a man to harm her physically. Did their abuser promise he would never do it again, like Calvin? Was their love so deep that they overlooked the abuser's actions? I didn't understand until now because I now stood in those women's shoes.
Calvin's apologies fell on deaf ears. The first time he apologized, I forgave him, but this time. This time would be different. I had to call into work again. Fortunately, I had some sick time. But still, I was the supervisor. I couldn't keep taking unscheduled time off.
As soon as Calvin fell asleep, I eased his arm from around my body and got out of the bed. I jumped when I saw how bruised my face looked in the bathroom mirror. My hand automatically went up to my face. I touched the swollen spot around my eye. This was my first time looking into the mirror since Calvin hit me. I had no idea I looked this bad. One of my eyes was so puffy, it looked like it was unattached to my face and if you stuck a pin in it, it would burst.
My entire body hurt. I ran some hot bath water in the tub. I eased my body in the bubbling suds. I “oohed” and “awed” as the warm water soothed my aching body. I leaned my head back on the towel I had folded and draped on the back of the tub. My mind reflected over the last twenty-four to forty-eight hours.
I thought about Sade. Sade tried to help me, but I pushed her away. I could take the abuse. I didn't want Sade getting involved because with tensions flared, I didn't want Calvin to get violent with Sade too. Contrary to what Sade thought, I did love her. I had unconditional love for her. The love I had for Calvin was a differen
t kind of love. I loved them both and that's just the way it was.
I stayed in the tub so long that the water turned cold. I slowly eased out of the tub and dried off my body. I moaned in pain. My face hurt as I brushed my teeth. I fumbled through the medicine cabinet until I found the pain medicine I was looking for. I dropped two of the pills in my mouth, turned on the faucet, and put water in my hand. I brought the water up to my mouth and swallowed the pills.
As much as it hurt, I blinked my eyes a few times. I looked in the mirror and said, “You got to get it together. If not for you, for your child and your grandchild.”
I wiped my face again and then left the bathroom.
“Joyce, baby, where are you?” Calvin yelled from the bedroom.
I was just about to knock on Sade's door when I heard Calvin call out. I dropped my hand before knocking, turned, and walked back to my bedroom. I stood in the doorway. Faked a smile and responded, “Yes, dear. What do you want?”
“Just trying to see where you were. What are you doing?” he asked.
“I took me a bath. Is that okay with you?” I tried to speak in a calm voice. I was irritated with Calvin and myself.
“I was just checking on you,” Calvin said as he sat up in bed.
“I would be better if you didn't lay your hands on me,” I mumbled.
“Joyce, I told you I was sorry. Stuff happens. You pushed my button and I snapped.”
“Well, don't let it happen again.”
“I won't. I promise,” Calvin assured me once again.
I walked away and went back to Sade's bedroom door. This time I knocked. “Come in,” Sade responded.
“I know I've been ghost for the last couple of days. Just wanted to check on you.”
“I'm fine,” Sade responded.
“I'll be going back to work tomorrow and I'll be on the night shift.”
“Thanks for the warning.”
“I'm not warning you, just letting you know.”
“I'll be sure to keep my door locked,” Sade responded.
I threw my hands up in the air. “Whatever. I'm not going back and forth with you and Calvin on this. I'm tired. Tired of the drama from both of you.”