by Karen Clow
After ripping the dress off, he pinned her down; pushed her legs apart with his knees and raped her. When he finished he stood up, punched the wall and without even looking at her, walked to the front door. Opening it he stormed out, almost slamming it off the hinges. With a searing pain in her head she just lay there stunned, asking herself why he treated her like this, she hadn’t done anything to warrant it. Then she remembered all the good things about him, how for the first year he had barely raised his voice to her. What had happened to make him so angry so jealous. Was it simply that he had a fear of marriage, or had someone broken his heart in the past? Maybe he wanted to stay single now that Della was back. Whatever the reason, she couldn’t live like this. Her head was telling her to leave, but her heart was telling her to stay. Where would she go, she had no money of her own, despite having the restaurant, everything including that ran around him. In her heart she knew something was very wrong and that she could help him, but again her head was telling her that he didn’t want any help.
Slowly and unsteadily she got up and walked to the bathroom. Standing in the shower she wondered what she had ever done to deserve all the things that had happened to her. Not once in her life had she flirted or acted tarty, she could understand if she behaved like Della. She wondered if he ever treated Della the same way, somehow she doubted it. Wiping the bathroom mirror; she looked at her face, it was beginning to show a bruise from where he had hit her. Looking at her reflection she tried to recall just how many black eyes and split lips she’d had during her life, there were just too many to remember. Her head was pounding as she stood looking at her reflection. It was then she asked herself if she would actually be better off dead, had suicide not have been a sin in the eyes of God and go against her religious beliefs, she would have done it. Asking why she was allowing this to happen to her, she was stronger now than she had ever been in her life. Deep down she knew it would be in her best interests to leave. In some strange way she thought it would also help Jimmy, he wouldn’t have to think about the threat from other men if she wasn’t there.
Going into the bedroom she dressed before pulling a suitcase down from on top of one of the wardrobes. With her head and face throbbing she began to pack. Despite feeling devastated at the thought of leaving him, she began placing her clothes into the case. Finally she convinced herself that leaving would be best for everyone. When she had packed the essentials that she needed, she carried the case through to the lounge. Knowing he always kept about three hundred pounds in spare cash in the cabinet, she had no choice but to take it, but she would leave a note telling him she would send it back once she found a job.
The note read ‘dear Jimmy this is very hard for me, but I want you to know that I truly did love you and I hope one day we can be friends. Thank you for all the kind things you’ve done for me, especially rescuing me from Nick. Please wish Monica and Mickey all the best for their future together and to tell them I’ll miss them. My dearest wish will be that one day we’ll all meet up again. I hope you find true love and happiness. I’ll never be able to repay you for all the wonderful things you’ve done for me. I’ll remember you every night in my prayers and ask God to watch over you. I’m so sorry for not being able to stay with you. Love always Maria xxx’
Leaving the note on the table along with her engagement ring and her door keys, she phoned a cab. Her destination was to be St Augustus church.
Thirty minutes later she walked into the church, she felt relieved to see Father Thomas. “Hello Maria this is a nice surprise,” said the priest as she walked towards him, then noticing the bruises on her face he added, “Is everything alright?” Almost on the verge of tears she replied, “Could you hear my confession please Father?” “Of course.” They walked over to the confessional booth.
Once inside she began telling him about what had happened between her and Jimmy, and about the terrible man (Nick) that she had lived with before she met him. As Thomas listened to her plight; a tear ran down his cheek. Like her he felt that Jimmy needed help, because his troubles were deep rooted probably from his childhood.
When she had finished and left the confessional, Thomas said, “Would you like to join me for a cup of tea?” “Thank you Father that would be lovely,” she replied in a soft voice. They went into his private quarters where minutes later they sat drinking tea. “Have you any idea where you will go,” asked the priest. Tearfully she shook her head. Caringly he touched her hand and said, “You know you can go into any Catholic church and ask for help.” “Yes I know. Can I ask you something Father?” “You know you can Maria.” “Do you think I would have made a good nun?” Obviously surprised at her question, he hesitated before he replied, “In my opinion you would have made a wonderful nun Maria. If you ever thought seriously about it, you know I would help you.” “Thank you, I’d appreciate that. I feel it may be my calling Father.” “Well only you would know that Maria.”
When she finished her tea she said, “I should be going Father, I really don’t fancy travelling through London at night.” “Where are you going Maria?” Shrugging her shoulders she replied, “South, maybe to the coast. There are lots of hotels and restaurants in Brighton; I might get some casual work, maybe even live in.” “Why don’t you stay here tonight?” “I appreciate the offer Father, but I need to leave London.”
Before she left she embraced him and said, “Thank you for everything. Will you watch out for Jimmy for me please Father?” “You know I will, but are you sure about leaving?” “Yes I’m sure.” “In that case I want you to take this,” he handed her his bible. “I can’t take that Father; anyway I’ve packed my own.” “Please Maria; I insist that you take it.” “Oh thank you then, I will always treasure it thank you.” She kissed him on the cheek. When she left the church, he watched her until she disappeared from sight.
At the train station she brought a one way ticket to Brighton. The ticket master told her she had just missed a train. Sitting quietly on a bench reading the bible Thomas had given her; she looked around at the people in the station, she couldn’t help but notice that many of them looked sad and destitute. Trying not to stare at them; she reflected on her own life. Maybe she could have a place in this world as a nun, at least then she wouldn’t have to worry about men because she would be married to God.
Finally the train arrived. She sat in a carriage with a young couple, they were kissing and cuddling. They reminded her of her time with Jimmy. Without a doubt she would miss the tenderness they so often shared, but she was confident she was doing the right thing.
It was just before nine when she arrived in Brighton. Her first priority was to find a bed and breakfast. The first two she called at were full, but luckily the third one had a single room available at forty pounds a night, she paid for three nights in advance. Once she had unpacked a few things, she laid on the bed. For the first time in her life she felt at peace. Lying on the bed, she decided that after breakfast the following morning she would try and find a job. Eventually she fell asleep.
CHAPTER 47
Jimmy returned to the apartment around midnight fully expecting her to be waiting for him. Then he found the note, as he read it his first emotion was anger; how dare she leave him, but after reading it again; his other emotion was one of total despair and sadness. After all he had put her through she still wrote nice things, even thanking him for rescuing her from Nick. Feeling ashamed, he sat at the table and sobbed, he had never cried like that in his life. The only decent thing in his life had been her, now he had driven her away and he hated himself.
Clutching the note he felt a panic race through his body, he had never experienced such an over whelming feeling of fear. A sudden need to vomit came over him, he rushed into the bathroom. In his mind he kept trying to tell himself he would never intentionally have hurt her, he loved her so much, his life was nothing without her. Then he thought about her being alone and wondered if she was alright, was she afraid, where would she go? For the first time ever as an adult,
he didn’t know what to do, so as always he phoned Mickey. Mickey had never heard his friend in such a panic, barely able to understand what he was saying because he was talking so fast and obviously crying. Finally after several minutes of listening to him, Mickey said, “Calm down Jimmy, we’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” When Mickey ended the call he started to tell Monica what had happened. She dressed quickly and within minutes they were on their way to Jimmy’s.
Walking into Jimmy’s apartment fifteen minutes later, they could see him pacing up and down only stopping when Mickey spoke to him. Tears streaming down his face he said, “Maria’s left me, I don’t know where she’s gone!” Still clutching the note he was almost hysterical as he repeated over and over that it was his fault. Monica made some tea and said, “Tell me exactly what’s happened Jimmy.” Obviously embarrassed he tried to tell her about the events which had led to Maria leaving. Intently she listened as he told her about the two men he’d paid to follow them, she was so angry, snapping at him she said, “You don’t deserve Maria! How could you do that?” Then she looked at Mickey and said, “Did you have any part in this Mickey?” “No babe I swear I didn’t.” Fortunately, Jimmy backed him up.
Mickey looked at her and said, “Come on babe you’re the detective, where has she gone?” Glaring at Jimmy she said, “Perhaps she doesn’t want to be found after the way you have treated her. Now I know why she was so nervous about our hen night, I hope you’re pleased with yourself Jimmy! If it’s any consolation to you she didn’t enjoy herself; she was terrified every time a bloke spoke to her. How could you treat her like that, it’s beyond me. She never did anything but tell everyone how much she loved you!” Looking angry Jimmy replied, “I know what I did was wrong, don’t you think I feel bad enough without you giving me a lecture? When we find her, I’ll make it up to her. I’ll never hurt her again.” Monica looked at him and said, “I should think you would make it up to her! Just for the record Jimmy she is one of the sweetest, kindest, most decent people I have ever met. My only regret is that I didn’t see what was going on; if I had maybe I could have helped her!” He got up to use the bathroom, they could hear him vomiting.
With Jimmy out of earshot Mickey said, “Go easy on him babe, he’s got issues. I’ve never seen him like this, I’m worried about him.” “Issues!” stated Monica, “I should think if anyone’s got issues it’s Maria. I can’t even begin to imagine what a dreadful life that poor girl has had. If she’s got any sense she’ll stay gone!” Putting his arm around her he said, “Keep your voice down babe. Jimmy was treated badly as a child, terrible things had happened to him too, he’s never told anyone except me, but his past still haunts him. It’s not only Maria who deserves our sympathy. One day I might tell you Jimmy’s story, then you’ll change your opinion, but until that day I’m asking you never to mention it. We need to find Maria before something bad happens to either one of them.” With his words he noticed she seemed a little less hostile towards Jimmy when he came out of the bathroom.
Politely she said, “Can I see the note please Jimmy?” Taking it out of his pocket he handed it to her. Reading it she started to cry, unable to hold back her tears. When she finished she handed the note to Mickey. While he read it she talked to Jimmy. Thinking like a detective she said, “It’s unlikely we’ll find her tonight, it’s already past one o’clock. Try not to worry Jimmy, I’m sure Maria would have gone somewhere safe; she certainly wouldn’t be walking the streets. My advice to you is, stay by the phone tonight just in case she rings. First thing tomorrow morning I think we should contact Father Thomas, I’m confident Maria wouldn’t leave London without saying good bye to him. Can either of you think of any where she might have gone?” They both shook their heads. A few moments later and looking totally exhausted Jimmy said, “She’s got no one except me.” Confident that they would find her, Monica replied, “Let’s hope she calls, in the mean time I’ll use my mobile to ring the local hospitals and the police station, just to be on the safe side.” Jimmy looked worried at the prospect of Maria being injured or worse. Thankfully Monica’s inquiries drew a blank. Monica made them all another drink.
Jimmy looked at Mickey and said, “Do you think Maria can ever forgive me?” Reassuringly he replied, “I’m sure you can work it out, but you’ll need to trust her, especially as she’s never given you any reason not to.” “If she gives me another chance, I’ll make everything right, you’ll see.” They waited up all night in the hope she would call.
By six o’clock that morning Jimmy was beside himself and unable to wait any longer, he phoned Father Thomas. The phone rang and rang, before Thomas finally answered, his voice sounded as though he had just woken up. Jimmy immediately said, “Its Jimmy, I’m sorry for calling so early but I need to know if you’ve spoken to Maria.” A feeling of relief rushed through him when Thomas replied, “Yes she came to see me yesterday.” “Thank god, can we come over to the church.” Hearing the desperation in Jimmy’s voice the priest instantly replied, “Of course, I’ll meet you there in fifteen minutes.”
The priest was waiting at the church when they pulled up. The first thing Jimmy said was, “Please Thomas, tell me where she is.” He was disappointed when Thomas replied, “I’m sorry Jimmy I don’t know. All she said was she was going down to the south coast in the hope she could find work there.” Monica interrupted and said, “What else did she say?” “I will not be able to discuss anything that was said in confession, only what she said outside to me as her friend.” “Please Thomas try and remember anything that might help us.” “She was very upset, she talked about becoming a nun and I think she was serious. There isn’t much to tell you, except she was hoping to catch a train when she left, she didn’t want to be in London on her own at night.” “Well at least we know she left London.” They all thanked him for his help. Then just as they began to walk away, Thomas called to them and said; “I’ve just remembered, she did mention Brighton.”
Suddenly their fortunes changed; at least now they had somewhere to look, although it would be like looking for a needle in a hay stack, it was a place to start.
Back in the car Monica thought about it logically then said, “Working on the times Thomas gave us. Maria would have arrived in Brighton quite late last night; her first priority would have been to find somewhere to stay. Most likely somewhere near to the station. Chances are she’s staying at a guest house near there.” Jimmy grabbed her head and kissed her as he said, “Monica you’re a fucking genius!” Mickey grinned and added, “Not only a genius; but a great detective!”
They drove to Brighton station. Parking the car they continued on foot, trying guest house after guest house but to no avail. Jimmy was beginning to lose heart, when Monica returned from a house and said, “We may have a result. One of the owners from a B and B said a young woman checked in last night, her description was sketchy, but she did remember the girl only had one suit case and that she was carrying a bible. She paid for three nights in advance; but she left this morning straight after breakfast, I’m confident it was Maria.” “Me too,” echoed Jimmy.
For the next three hours they walked up and down the sea front looking in every restaurant and café to see if she was asking for work. It was only when Monica said, “I must have a rest and something to eat,” that something happened by chance.
They sat outside a small café on the pier which over looked the beach; the weather was over cast; so there were just a handful of people on the beach. Mickey looked along the beach and to his amazement spotted Maria sitting on her own, reading the bible that Father Thomas had given her. Looking at the others he said, “Unless my eyes deceive me, I think that’s her sitting on the beach.” Jimmy felt overwhelmed as he looked to where Mickey was pointing and Monica said “It’s her.”
On the verge of tears Jimmy said, “Wait here while I go and speak to her.” “Just don’t push her Jimmy,” said Mickey as his friend stood up to leave.
Maria was totally unaware that they were nearby; she
hadn’t even noticed Jimmy walking along the beach, until he startled her when he sat down beside her. Unable to suppress his emotions, he cried as he looked at her. Noticing how calm she appeared he said, “Babe I’m so sorry.” Maria smiled as he tried to tell her how he felt, but through his crying she found him difficult to understand. Calmly she said, “Jimmy what are you doing here?” Gathering his senses; he replied, “I’ve come to take you home babe.” Looking lovingly at him she squeezed his hand and said, “I’m not coming back Jimmy.” At that moment she expected him to lose his temper, surprisingly he didn’t, instead he cried and said, “Please babe I’m begging you, come home.” With her heart breaking for him, she was fighting back her own tears as she replied, “Please don’t cry. It will be better for everyone if we stay apart.” “Not for me it won’t, I love you so much, I’ll die without you. Please come home babe, I’ll do anything you ask, Maria please say you’ll forgive me.” Gently she touched his face and replied, “I’ve already forgiven you.” With a confused look on his face he said, “Then why won’t you give me another chance? I’ll never give up on us; you’re the only woman I want. I love you babe.” “I love you too Jimmy, but I’m staying here. You wouldn’t understand even if I tried to explain and I don’t want a scene on the beach. Just go home Jimmy.” “Babe I promise I won’t do anything to upset you, tell me why Maria, I don’t understand we love each other, so why won’t you come home?” In the hope of stopping his constant pleading, she changed the topic and said, “How did you find me?” Jimmy pointed to the café; she could see their friends waving at them. “It was Monica who found you. Why did you come to Brighton?” Smiling she replied, “With the exception of the holiday Mickey gave me for my birthday, it was the only place I’d ever been to.” “Please babe, please give me another chance, or at least tell me why you can’t” He broke down. Looking sad she replied, “Last night Jimmy was the first time I can ever remember being able to lie down and not have anyone make any demands on me. I don’t expect you to understand, but for me it was wonderful.” Looking at her, for the first time since they had met he truly realised how hard her life had been. All he wanted to do was put his arms around her and tell her that everything would be alright. How could he have said and done such terrible things to this beautiful, loving young woman. Unable to hold back his tears he broke down again. Trying to comfort him she gently placed her hand on his shoulder and calmly said, “There’s something else Jimmy, if the church will have me I’m going to join a convent.” “No Maria.” “It’s what I want and look at it another way, you’ll never have to worry about me meeting another man.” Her words made him feel sick to the pit of his stomach; he knew that he had driven her to such despair that she was going to hide herself away from society.