by Jade Taylor
At the side of the house, he stood beneath Cat’s bedroom window, moonlight casting the night in shadows all around him. As he scratched at the new screen, trying to wake Cat without disturbing Joey, his own idiocy appalled him. Morning would have been soon enough. A sudden chilling thought cut through the night heat, propelling him backward into the shadows. If Cat kept a gun handy, he might find his hide full of buckshot.
A small, dim light flicked on. Her face appeared at the window, shadowed by the darkness, a pale wash of indistinct white behind the screen. “Jackson, is that you? What are you doing here? Do you know what time it is?”
He appreciated the night shadows, but his embarrassment wouldn’t keep him from learning the truth. Tonight, not a day later, not even an hour more. He had to know. “I need to talk to you, Cat.”
She frowned. “Well, come back in the morning.”
Jackson refused to be put off. Tonight, he would know the truth, no matter if it damned him to hell, or to Engerville, which was pretty much the same thing. He clenched his fist, realized it, and straightened both hands. He’d be reasonable, but adamant. “No. Now. I need to talk to you.”
Cat’s reply had a trembling edge. “Can’t this wait, Jackson?”
Something in her voice alerted him. She hid something, he knew. He wouldn’t let her off the hook. “No, it can’t.”
A note of resignation crept into her voice. “A few hours isn’t going to change anything.”
She knew what he wanted to ask and he knew the answer. Now, he was certain. “Come on, Cat. Pull the screen up and I’ll help you down.”
“In my nightgown?”
Embarrassment gave way to anger. She stalled him as if that would change things. Tonight, they’d both face the truth and whatever pain it might bring. “What does it matter? Get dressed if you want to. I’ll wait.”
Cat stared down at the thin white nightgown she wore. No blessed way would she go out the bedroom window into Jackson Gray’s arms wearing nothing but this thin bit of cloth. She hurriedly pulled on the jeans lying across the chair beside her bed. She started to tug on a T-shirt and changed her mind, choosing a baggy gray sweatshirt instead. As if it mattered, she raked her fingers through the tangled black strands of hair flying around her head, trying to tame the mess into submission.
She slid into his arms, the heat from his body offset by the coldness in his winter eyes. Her father always said that the best defense was a good offense. Cat attacked. “What’s so damn urgent that you come scratching around my bedroom window at midnight?”
Shadows cast his face into hard, angular planes, washing away any color, leaving it pale and cold. He glared accusingly at her. “I think you know.”
Right was on his side, but he wasn’t the only one entitled to be angry. A gathering knot in her stomach stirred her defenses. “I’m in no mood to play guessing games, Jackson. Say what you want or hit the road. I need my sleep.”
“Yeah.” His gaze raked her bitterly. He clenched his hands into fists and parked them on his narrow hips. “I’ll make it short. Who is Joey’s father?”
Bitter emotion washed over Cat. In all her imaginings, she’d never once pictured Jackson and herself engaged in angry confrontation. Why hadn’t she told him that first day when she drove him to Gray’s Way? Why hadn’t she told him when she first suspected she was pregnant? She twisted away, unable to face him. “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
He took her arm and turned her so she had to look at him. His gaze burned into her, his voice as low as the growling of a bear. “I think it is. Damn you, Cat, tell me!”
She saw the hard set to his mouth, the way the moonlight made his eyes glitter. Night camouflaged the lower half of his face, but there was no mistaking his mood. Cat suddenly despaired of making him understand. “You already know, don’t you?”
Jackson let her arm go. “She’s mine, isn’t she? That night at Needlepoint Rock, I got you pregnant.”
Waiting for him to discover her lies had been the worst part. Now he knew. The threat was reality. It couldn’t be worse than her fear. Relief gave rise to caustic humor. “Well, you had a little help. Don’t try to take all the credit.”
The tall ex-Marine held a hand up in warning. “Don’t make jokes about this, Cat.”
It angered her. All the long, lonely days angered her. The turmoil of emotions brought about by the combination of fear, guilt, and relief threatened her control. Her voice rose. “Are you the only one allowed to hide behind a joke?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jackson’s question accused more than asked. She put up a defensive wall. “I had my reasons.”
“Why, Cat? I had a right to know.” His voice had an edge that hadn’t been there before.
She slammed her own rage toward his tall figure. “You didn’t have any rights! You left town, didn’t you? You said you’d never come back, didn’t you? You were the one who said you hated it here!” Cat crossed her arms in front of her, and braced herself for his reply.
“I did hate it here! I do. You know that. I told you. I still hate farming, Cat, but that doesn’t excuse you. Why didn’t you tell me?”
She relaxed. This answer, at least, she could articulate. “That’s why, Jackson. If you stayed because I was pregnant, then you’d hate me for keeping you here. I didn’t want that to happen.”
The wind disappeared from his sails. He seemed to fold in on himself, as if his outrage was all that held him upright. His words were a whispered plea. “But you could have told me. I would have helped.”
How many times had she wanted to pick up the phone and do just that? Too many times to count and doubt had stopped her each time. “Would you have helped? Or would you have wanted to know who else I was messing around with?”
Jackson scowled. “Cat, that’s not fair.”
Did she imagine the ruddiness of his cheeks or did he blush? It was difficult to tell. She hesitated, then replied, “Maybe not, but how was I to know? We were friends, one-time lovers, and I didn’t know how you’d react. Do you?”
Jackson opened his mouth to say something, but must have reconsidered. He closed it without speaking and turned away from her. “I had a right to know,” he whispered to the night.
His soft words touched her with guilt. “I would have told you, but I was afraid,” she admitted. “As time passed, I thought I’d waited too long, that there was no point in telling you. You weren’t coming back anyway. If it’s any consolation, I know I was wrong to keep it from you. I’m sorry.” She paused. “Jackson, are you okay?”
Only the slight movement of his shoulders betrayed him. “Jackson, don’t. Please. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t turn around. “How could you hide this from me? I had a baby and I didn’t even know! Damn you, Cat. I hate you for this!”
His words sounded as if they’d been criss-crossed with a chain saw, spoken from a throat ragged with pain. The force in his reply startled her. She’d expected the strength of his fury, but not this hard-edged bitterness. She spoke to the broad outline of his tall body. “I’m sorry, Jackson. I should have told you. I know that, but I was just a kid, too. You’d hate me for keeping you in Engerville and my father would have made you marry me. It was a tough time and I made what decisions I had to make, but I didn’t make them to hurt you. I didn’t! I was just trying to get through it as best I could.”
He turned around. In the moonlight, his stark, cold face was stony. “I never knew I had a child! You had no right to keep me out of the decision-making. I’ll never forgive you for this, Cat. You don’t deserve to be forgiven.”
In her imagination, he’d always said he understood, but this was no imaginary daydream. Jackson Gray loomed over her as icy and unforgiving as her father had. How could she make him understand? How could she make the hurt go away? She held out a hand in silent plea. He ignored it. Defeated, Cat let it fall back to her side. “Jackson, I did it for you. It wasn’t some plan to keep you from see
ing your child. I didn’t want to hold you in Engerville.”
“Don’t you think I deserved a choice?”
“You weren’t here. What was I supposed to do? Have the sheriff haul you back to face my father’s shotgun? Or your own father? How do you think he would have reacted if he’d known?”
Jackson’s unrelenting glare went through her like a sharp knife. “I know one thing for sure. He isn’t going to be happy knowing he has a grandchild he was never allowed to love! Pop would have wanted to know, just like I would. Didn’t you give any thought to our feelings?”
Overwhelming guilt choked her. She fought past the lump in her throat. “I said I was sorry. Isn’t that enough for you?”
A hollow, bitter laugh curled his lips. “Would it be enough for you? How would you feel if you didn’t get to see Joey for eight years? Eight of the most important years of her life. Do you know how many memories I don’t have because of you? She might have been unplanned, but she wouldn’t have been unwanted.”
Sharp tears stung her eyes. Jackson had a right to reproach her. Only her own doubts and fears had been important. Now her selfishness came home to her, settling like snow in the pit of her stomach. The hostility on his face went straight to her heart and she did something even her father hadn’t been able to get her to do. She begged.
“Please try to understand, Jackson. Can’t you see my side of it? I was scared. All I knew was that if I brought you back here, you’d hate me the rest of your life.”
His low growl cut through the night. “You don’t know that.”
The moment of weakness disappeared. “Damn you, Jackson, you’re asking me to be honest! The least you can do is to be honest, too. You shook the dust of North Dakota from your shoes when you left and you’ve only been back once. That one time you came and left without bothering to look me up to see if anything had changed.” She paused. “Or even to say hello.”
He sighed. “For my mother’s funeral. Yeah, I know, but hell, Cat, if I’d known about Joey…”
The lost years stood before her like so many accusing, pointing fingers, but when did he give her a thought? He’d left and never looked back. “What would you have done differently?”
A long moment of silence stood between them before he spoke. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.”
She nodded. “I just knew I didn’t want a loveless marriage and a husband who hated me.”
“I would have thought of something. We didn’t have to live in Engerville. I could have got housing on base.”
“And have Joey live like a gypsy? I don’t think so, Jackson. That did cross my mind, but I wanted a better life for her. I grew up moving from town to town, state to state. I went to a dozen different schools before my aunt left this farm to my father. I never had any friends until we settled here. I hated not having a real home. I wouldn’t—I won’t let my child grow up that way.”
“My child, too,” he protested. “I should have had some say in it.”
Sadly, she shook her head. “You left, Jackson.”
INSIDE THE HOUSE, the rising sound of angry voices awakened Joey. She lay still in her bed for several minutes listening. She couldn’t understand the words, but she recognized the voices. Why was her mom arguing with Jackson when it was dark outside?
Joey shoved the covers aside and slid off the bed. She stood for a moment in bare feet, her too-short nightgown twisted around her, knowing she shouldn’t try to eavesdrop, but too curious not to. Tiptoeing over to the open window, she crouched down beside it and listened to the sounds of two adults arguing.
“So what happens now?” Jackson asked. “Are you going to hold it against me that I left when I didn’t know you were going to have my child?”
“I never felt that way, Jackson. It was my fault.”
“Does it matter whose fault it was? That’s the past. Are you going to try to keep me from seeing Joey?”
“Oh God! Jackson, what do you know about me that makes you think I’d do that? Of course, you can see Joey. She likes you already.”
“That’s nice. She likes me. She ought to love me! I’m her father.”
The nasty edge to Jackson’s voice made his words perfectly distinct. Joey crouched lower, making herself very small.
Joey thought her mother sounded as if she were about to cry. It scared her. Mommy never cried. Hardly ever.
“How many times do you want me to say I’m sorry?”
“I’ll let you know when you get there.”
“Go home, Jackson. I’m not up for this tonight.”
“Too bad, Cat. Neither am I. Pardon me if I don’t feel a whole hell of a lot of sympathy for you, but the way I see it, you didn’t even give me a chance to take responsibility. I have rights, too, and the faster you get around to understanding that, the better off we’ll be. Tomorrow, my daughter better know who her father is.”
“Don’t threaten me, Jackson!”
“I mean it, Cat. You’ve kept me unaware of my child’s existence and let her grow up thinking her father didn’t want her. You’ve cheated me out of knowing her as a baby. I don’t care what your reasons were! That wasn’t right and you know it.”
“Go home, Jackson!”
“I’m leaving, but I’ll be back! You can bet your sweet ass on that!”
The soft sound of footsteps fading away were followed by choked sobs from her mother. Joey stayed by the window for a long time, trying to make sense out of what she’d overheard. Could Jackson Gray be her father? Was he the man who hadn’t wanted her?
She’d liked him well enough before, but now he’d yelled at her mother. Rising resentment tore at her, filling her heart with righteous rage. If he was her father, then he was the one she hated, not some distant stranger whose face never quite came clear in her mind. Why had he not come back sooner?
A tear tracked down her face. Sadness engulfed her. Why had he made her mother cry? He could come back all he wanted to, but she’d never love him. Never! The thought did little to soothe her hurt. Why hadn’t Mommy told her the truth when Jackson came to visit? Joey wasn’t supposed to keep secrets and Mommy wasn’t supposed to, either. It wasn’t fair.
She crept back to her bed and pulled the sheet tight around her. Later, when her mother opened her door to check on her, she pretended to be asleep. After her mother’s bedroom door closed, Joey let her resentment slide down her face in fat, salty tears.
CHAPTER NINE
CAT WATCHED her daughter fiddle with the spoon beside her plate. “You like Jackson, don’t you, Joey?”
“I guess so.”
Joey’s sullen visage didn’t bode well for the conversation Cat planned. Her daughter’s normally sunny disposition hid behind a pouting lower lip and a refusal to meet her mother’s gaze. Still, she pressed on. “I have something very important to tell you about him.”
Joey pushed her plate of oatmeal and eggs away from her and stood up, a stubborn scowl on her face. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“Wait a minute, honey. I need to talk to you.”
“I have to go really bad.”
“Go ahead. We’ll talk when you get back.” Cat sighed heavily as her daughter almost ran out of the kitchen. For an hour, she’d been trying to get Joey to sit still long enough to hear the truth about Jackson. For some unexplained reason, Joey chose not to listen.
Jackson would be here any minute, expecting Joey to know he was her father, and Cat still hadn’t told her. Uneasily, she stared at Joey’s empty chair. What could Jackson say that he hadn’t said last night? His harsh words had kept her awake until dawn. The anger, hurt and confusion cured her of idle dreams about things working out between her and Jackson. It wasn’t going to happen.
Before Joey came back from the bathroom, the doorbell rang. For the first time since Jackson arrived in Engerville, she dreaded seeing him. Heart thudding madly, footsteps dragging, Cat went to the door. His scowl greeted her. Evidently, a good night’s sleep hadn’t improved his temper. Her
own mood wasn’t exactly at its peak. “Good morning, Jackson.”
“That’s your opinion,” he growled.
His brooding gaze raked her. Despite the guilt she felt, Cat decided she had no good reason to put up with Jackson’s manner. “I’m not going to be treated like a criminal, Jackson, so lose the attitude or take off! I’m past the point where I’ll let anyone run my life or make me hang my head.”
His glare didn’t recede, but his tone softened slightly. “Does she know?”
A dozen excuses hovered on Cat’s lips, but she refused to utter them. “Not yet.”
He pushed past her, looking around the living room for the object of their discussion. “Then we’ll tell her together.”
“We can try. Maybe she’ll sit still for you. I’ve been trying to corner her and give her the news all morning. She’s antsy about something.”
Skeptical, Jackson asked, “Are you sure you tried?”
“Don’t question what I say, Jackson,” she retorted. “You don’t have the right.” Cat turned away from him at the light patter of Joey’s footsteps in the hall.
Jackson heard, too. “There she is now. Hey, there, Short Stuff! Are you going to be my main man today? I figured we could get the wall panels up, if you help me. Whaddaya say?”
Dressed in jeans and a faded red T-shirt, her daughter hesitated before coming into the room. Her dark hair swung loose around her shoulders. Usually, she tied it back in a ponytail or braids. Joey didn’t look at Jackson, instead she kept her gaze on her mother. “I promised Tommy Karl I’d go fishing with him today. You said I could, Mom. Last week, remember?”
Cat thought hard, but could recall no mention of a planned fishing trip. “I don’t remember, Joey. Are you sure it was today?”
Joey nodded her head. “Yep. I’m going to ride Moonshot over to his house. Tommy Karl said he’d bait my hook. He promised. Why don’t you come with us, Mom?”