by Rachel Clark
Ryan watched Jay closely as he absorbed all of the doctor’s information. The man was barely holding on, but at least with Kat out of surgery he had a reason to stay focused.
The doctor turned to Ryan and spoke quietly. “The forensic kit is already on its way to the lab.”
“Thanks,” Ryan said keeping his voice low but not really trying to keep his words from Jay. “The guy has already confessed to the attack and attempted rape. According to his version, Kat managed to kick him hard enough to make raping her impossible. He’s not currently using that as an excuse for his actions—he already detailed what he did before that—but I don’t want to risk him getting off on a technicality. I want to make sure that if he somehow manages to change his mind, that we have enough evidence to put him away for a very long time.”
“Amen to that,” the doctor said as he shook Ryan’s hand again and left the room.
Jay had lowered himself onto the sofa and now sat with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Ryan stood beside him, letting the man feel the relief, letting him adjust to the reality of the situation instead of the fear of the unknown.
“She’ll be in recovery for a while. Can I buy you a coffee?”
Jay looked up, the strong, confident man Ryan had met at the station coming to the surface again. This time Ryan suspected it was mostly bravado, but he willingly ignored that for Jay’s sake.
“Sure,” Jay said in a monotone voice. “I should probably grab something to eat. I want to be there for her when she wakes up.”
Ryan nodded and then led the way out the door and toward the vending machines. It was unlikely the cafeteria would be open at this hour, but at least they had half-decent sandwiches in the machines.
“Thanks,” Jay said as they walked. “Thank you for not turning away while I lost it. Thanks for being here for me and Kat, and thanks for catching the guy. God, I hope she doesn’t have to testify.”
“So do I,” Ryan agreed. “So the hell do I.”
Chapter Three
Everything hurt. Even lying completely still, everything hurt.
“It’s okay, Kat,” Jay whispered. “They’ve lowered the dosage of your pain meds so things might hurt a bit today.”
A bit? Fuck, if this was a bit of hurt, what had the pain meds been covering? God, even her eyelashes hurt.
“Kat, honey, the doctors want you to try moving around today. You’ll heal faster if we can get you out of bed.”
“No,” she said grinding her teeth. “I can’t do it. Everything hurts and I just want to be left alone.” She had no idea why she said that. Just the thought of being alone gave her the sensation of falling, that bone-aching, screaming sensation that accompanied the worst nightmares. She felt her breathing speed up as sweat beaded and rolled down between her breasts.
“Don’t leave me,” she said anxiously, her eyes flying open in search of her closest friend.
His cool hand touched the side of her face, and she closed her eyes again. “I’m not going anywhere, Kat. I’ll be here as long as you need me.” She felt the panic abate, but the fear simmered below the surface, ready to erupt at any moment. She heard footsteps as someone entered the room, and again her eyes flew open in panic. A police officer walked right up to her bed.
“How’s my best girl this morning?” he asked jovially.
What the fuck? Who the hell was this?
“Kat?” he asked when she moved back on the bed. She could hear the confusion in his voice and maybe a touch of hurt, but she didn’t know this guy. No way was he getting anywhere near her. She moved quickly, too quickly for her broken and exhausted body, and grabbed Jay’s hand as she let out a hiss in pain.
“They took her off the morphine,” Jay said to the policeman.
“Oh, sweetheart, that’s good news. It means you’re getting better.”
“Fuck off,” she said angrily.
“Kat!” Jay exclaimed in shock. “Ryan has been here every spare moment since you were admitted. The very least you can do is be civil.”
“It’s all right,” the man said in a calm, deep voice. “I haven’t eaten yet. Do you want me to grab you something from the cafeteria?” Jay must’ve nodded because she heard Ryan turn and leave the room.
“Kat, honey, what’s wrong? Yesterday you didn’t want Ryan to leave.”
“I didn’t?” she asked trying to understand how that could be possible. “I don’t know him. Why would I do that?”
“Kat, Ryan was with me when I found you. You’ve been holding on to his hand like a lifeline for days. What’s going on?”
Pressure built behind her eyelids and she had to blink several times until the tears slid down her face. “I don’t know,” she whispered quickly. “I don’t know. Why don’t I know? Why can’t I remember? What the fuck happened to me?” She dragged in air, gasping as if she couldn’t get enough oxygen. “Why the fuck am I lying in a fucking bed wanting to fucking die from the fucking pain?” She kept yelling, her voice cracking until the words were barely discernible but somehow she couldn’t seem to stop them.
She heard movement, screamed at the touch on her hand, the pressure on her legs. She ached, her head pounded, her throat hurt, and her soul shrieked in fucking agony.
* * * *
Jay stood back as medical staff took control of the situation. Kat was completely distraught, screeching like she was on fire, her voice getting louder, more terrified with every moment.
“Don’t touch me. Don’t fucking touch me! I’ll kill you. I swear I’m going to kill you. Don’t you fucking touch me!” Jay felt the tears running down his own face, helplessness swamping him as the medication the doctor gave her finally began to kick in. She sagged against the bed still screaming, but more quietly as her voice gave out. Her lips continued to move even as she fell into unconsciousness.
“Jay?” The quiet voice and the hand on his arm were his undoing. He turned into Ryan’s embrace, desperate to hold onto something, someone. The person he loved most in this world was falling apart, and he had no idea how to stop it. Ryan wrapped his strong arms around him and held on tight, cradling him against his chest. He didn’t talk, just held him as he shook and the grief poured out.
“Mr. Evans?” a deep voice asked. Jay lifted his face away from Ryan’s chest, embarrassed at his own behavior. He tried to look at the doctor but his eyes were too swollen, too itchy for him to focus completely. “Jay,” the man said kindly. “You’re exhausted. She’s going to sleep for at least eight hours with that medication. Why don’t you head home and get some rest?”
It was tempting, but his home was at least a twenty-five minute drive from the hospital—probably longer since he’d have to grab a cab to Kat’s place to pick up his car first. He didn’t want to be that far away in case Kat needed him. Just the thought of failing her again was enough to make his stomach churn and his legs feel weak.
“Jay, I live about three blocks from here. Come back to my place. If Kat needs you we can be back here in less than ten minutes, maybe five.”
“Okay,” Jay heard himself say even before he’d really made the decision. “Ten minutes,” he said to Ryan in way of a warning. He wouldn’t travel any further away from the hospital than that. Ryan nodded solemnly, walked over to the nurses’ station, and gave the woman his home phone number. She glanced at Jay, and he nodded his agreement. Within minutes they were headed out the door.
* * * *
That usually quiet, little voice in Ryan’s head screamed at him that he shouldn’t be this involved. Other than his duty shifts, he’d spent just about every moment sitting with Jay and Kat. The sensible policeman inside of him knew that getting personally involved with any victim of a violent crime was a very bad idea. It made doing his job tougher, made it harder to focus, but he couldn’t walk away from Kat or Jay.
They needed him, both of them. But he wasn’t kidding himself. In some ways he needed them too. As crazy as it sounded—even in his own head—he felt guilty for not bei
ng more concerned when Kat hadn’t followed them to the station a few nights ago. Maybe if they’d waited to be certain she was behind them, none of this would have happened. He knew it wasn’t logical, but his need to protect Kat and Jay as they now struggled to cope was overwhelming.
“Ten minutes,” Jay mumbled beside him.
“I promise. If anything happens I’ll have you back here within ten minutes, but Jay you really need to take some time for yourself. You’ve been inside the hospital since Kat was admitted. You need to step back for a little while.”
“I know,” he said tiredly. “I’d really hoped that today would be the day we saw some progress, but she’s further away than ever. God, did you hear her?” Jay’s voice cracked and he covered his face with his hands for a moment.
Yes, he’d heard. Kat’s voice had been loud and distressed, and Ryan had run the length of the corridor when he’d heard it. He’d been hurt by her rejection and trying to convince himself that it would work out, but had forgotten everything in his haste to reach the two people who were becoming more and more important to him.
He doubted he’d ever forget the devastation in Jay’s eyes as he watched Kat slide into absolute terror. Ryan knew Jay blamed himself, but as an officer of the law he’d seen enough domestic abuse to know that it probably would’ve happened anyway. Jay’s actions may have accelerated the path Kat’s attacker had been on, but they hadn’t been the cause of her abuse.
They drove to his apartment in silence, parked in the secure, underground parking, and entered his front door a minute later.
“Eight minutes,” Jay said, sounding very relieved. Ryan nodded as he led the way through his home to the spare room. At the last moment he turned as he realized that Jay would probably sleep better in his room than on the fold-out sofa that Ryan laughingly called a guest bed.
“Maybe you should sleep in my bed.” Jay raised an eyebrow but thankfully waited for the rest instead of reacting. “Sorry,” Ryan mumbled. “I mean, you’d be more comfortable in my bed. I’ll take the spare.”
Jay smiled a half smile that lasted only a moment. “The spare will be fine. I’ve slept in a chair for the past…Hell, how long has it been? It feels like forever.”
“Four days.”
Jay glanced at him looking stunned, but didn’t make any comment about the passage of time. “Ryan, this will be fine. I’m just going to have a quick shower and then fall into bed.”
“Not before you’ve eaten.” The words sort of popped out of his mouth before they’d fully formed in his head. He was used to taking charge of a situation, but he wasn’t usually so bossy. “Sorry,” he said again, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “What I mean is I’ll make some toasted sandwiches while you have a shower. Any preferences?”
“Um...no not really. Whatever you’ve got will be fine.” Jay turned toward the bathroom but hesitated and turned back. “I’m sorry for what Kat said. I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”
Ryan felt a smile curve his lips. Kat’s words had hit him hard. Even though he was an adult and knew what severe pain could do to a person, it had been difficult to hide the hurt he’d felt by her rejection. Apparently, he hadn’t hidden it well enough.
“It’s all right, Jay. I know she wasn’t thinking clearly.”
Jay watched him closely, a strange tilt to his head as he seemed to assess Ryan’s body language.
“I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve done for us.”
Ryan wasn’t quite sure what to say to that, so he nodded and headed into the kitchen to begin making sandwiches. He’d spent the last few days trying to figure it out in his own head. He’d seen some horrendous things in his line of work, and yes Kat’s case had some, but not many, similarities to his sister’s murder so many years ago, but he still couldn’t explain why he was so willing to get further and further involved.
Jay was an attractive man.
Maybe that had something to do with it, but was it the whole answer? Jay was in no emotional condition to begin a new relationship, and despite the way he’d curled into Ryan’s embrace earlier, he was pretty sure the man wasn’t gay. So again, where was this willingness to get personally involved coming from?
“You okay, Ryan?”
Startled, his gaze bounced to the doorway. Jay stood just outside the kitchen, his dark blond hair wet and adorably mussed, his deep blue eyes looking tired. He wore Ryan’s black bathrobe. It was a little too big for him so he’d wrapped the material around him and tied the belt at his waist, very effectively covering him from neck to knees. Not even a hint of chest poked above the V of the neckline, but somehow Ryan had never seen a better looking or more desirable man.
He closed his eyes as he berated his wayward thoughts. The man was a friend. Just a friend. A friend who needed a friend right now. Jay must’ve stepped into the kitchen, because when he spoke, his voice sounded much closer.
“Ryan?”
Ryan shook himself and dredged up what he hoped was a reassuring smile.
“Food’s almost done.” He turned to grab the toasting sandwiches from under the grill. “I just realized I don’t even know what you do for a living.” Jay looked embarrassed by the question and for a moment Ryan wished he hadn’t asked.
“I…ah…own a restaurant.”
“You’re a chef?” Jay nodded, and Ryan couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped him. “Okay, well there won’t be any restaurant-quality meals cooked in this kitchen. Apart from the fact that I can barely grill cheese, I suspect it’s not quite as well stocked as what you’re used to.”
Jay smiled. It was small but genuine, and Ryan felt himself relax just a little.
“Grilled cheese works for me,” Jay said as he reached for one of the gooey, greasy, overcooked, artery-hardening sandwiches. “I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed your robe. I haven’t got any clothes with me and just the thought of putting those jeans and shirt back on made my skin crawl.”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve thought,” Ryan said, rising from the table. “I’m sure I can find something that would fit you.”
“No. Sit. Eat.” A little surprised by the authoritative tone, Ryan found himself sitting. Jay smiled again. “Sorry. I mean there’s no hurry. It’s not like I’m sitting here naked.”
Heat pulsed through Ryan’s entire body, his skin heating, his breathing catching as a vision of Jay doing just that entered his imagination. Holy cow, he was in deep trouble. Even if he still wanted to go get some clothes for Jay, he wasn’t so sure he could hide the growing erection tenting his uniform pants.
He closed his eyes and tried really hard to think of other things.
They ate in silence, the ticking clock loud in the confined space. Both of them shifted uncomfortably in their seats for a few minutes before Jay put his sandwich down and dusted his hands.
“I’m sorry,” Jay began, “but I think we need to talk.”
“Actually, we probably don’t,” Ryan said with a half smile. “I know you’re not gay, or even bisexual like I am, so we really don’t have a problem. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable.”
Jay shook his head, looking a little surprised. “I’m not uncomfortable. I’m actually very grateful for your help. I just didn’t want you to think I was leading you on or”—he winced and gave Ryan a pained smile—“something.”
“We’re okay,” Ryan said quietly. He’d known this all along, so it shouldn’t hurt so damn much. “We’re friends. That’s all I’m expecting.”
Jay nodded slowly but didn’t say anything else.
Chapter Four
He couldn’t move. He stood there and watched, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t stop it. He yelled, screaming for Kat to run, but she just stood there and mouthed “I’m sorry” over and over. His feet felt like lead, his strength failing as he tried to force himself forward. He reached for her, but somehow she moved away, floated out of reach. Again and again, he shouted her name, but the closer he got the further away
she seemed.
“Jay!” The deep voice startled him and he swung around, fists flying. He heard a pained grunt and then strong hands curled over his shoulders and shook him gently. “Jay!”
Reality returned as the dream faded. He blinked rapidly as he tried to adjust to the bright light filling the room. “Jay, you were having a nightmare.” Jay wiped his face with shaking hands, too embarrassed to face Ryan just yet.
He absently rubbed the knuckles on his right hand until it occurred to him that the pain he felt was real. That meant the punch he’d thrown had hit something real, too. His eyes popped open to stare at the man squatting beside the bed.
“Oh, hell. Ryan, I’m so sorry.”
A deep chuckle didn’t quite hide the wince or Ryan’s rapidly swelling eye. “I’ve had worse,” he said quietly.
Jay tried to wriggle out of the bed. “At least let me grab some ice for you.” Ryan smiled but held his ground, refusing to move out of his way.
“It’ll be fine. Go back to sleep.”
“I doubt I’d get any more sleep,” Jay mumbled, still shaking. “I don’t think I want any more sleep after that.”
“Move over,” Ryan said.
“Why?”
“Because I’m going to hold you while you sleep.”
“But…”
“Yes, I know you’re not gay, but you need sleep and at least if I hold you down I won’t be ducking punches if you have another nightmare.”
Jay wanted to laugh, but worried it might sound just a little bit hysterical. It wasn’t Ryan wanting to hold him that made him uncomfortable. It was the fact that he actually needed the man to cuddle him close that was confusing as hell. So much for his little speech about not leading the man on…
“I’ll even stay on top of the covers,” Ryan said as he lay down on the bed and encouraged Jay to roll over. Unable to process the myriad of emotions pulsing through him, Jay did as he was told and rolled toward the wall. Ryan stretched out behind him, pressed his chest against Jay’s back and draped his arm over Jay’s middle. He carefully held his lower body away from Jay’s ass and even as Jay breathed a sigh of relief for the physical space, he regretted that he wasn’t comfortable enough in his own skin to admit what he wanted.