by Rachel Clark
“Oh God, Ry, you are helping, more than anyone ever should have to, and I appreciate every moment of your support. I truly do. I’m sorry if I gave you a reason to doubt me.” Jay was shaking now too. He’d spent the entire trip home—no, not home, Ryan’s place—wondering what exactly was going on in his own head.
He still felt an attraction toward Kat, for fuck’s sake. And now here he was trying to decide if he was gay or not. Oh hell, maybe it explained why he’d never fallen more deeply in love with a woman than he was with his best friend. Maybe he simply wasn’t attracted to women at all.
He placed his hand on Ryan’s arm to stop his exit from the car.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, meaning it with every cell in his body. Ryan was the most amazing person he’d ever met, and he hated the idea of hurting him, even inadvertently. “I truly appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and for Kat. You’ve gone above and beyond friendship, but you’ve never overstepped any invisible line.”
Ryan nodded carefully, looking a little wary but smiling nonetheless.
“Thanks,” he said, and then quickly left the car.
A little startled by his curt response, Jay unclipped his seatbelt and climbed out of the vehicle. By the time he had the door closed Ryan was almost at the elevator. Jay hurried to keep up. But once beside Ryan they both stood there facing the door, waiting for the elevator to arrive. Jay shuffled on his feet, uncertain how to break the sudden tension.
By the time they reached the apartment Jay was ready to scream out loud. Ryan headed straight into the living area, switched on the television, and sat down to eat his food. He seemed totally absorbed in the football statistics the reporter seemed to be spouting, so Jay continued through the room and into the kitchen. He grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge. Hell, if they were going to clog their arteries with all that grease, they may as well go the whole hog and wash it down with yeast and alcohol.
He marched back into the living room, and held one of the bottles out for Ryan to take. The man looked startled, and it was obvious that even though his eyes were glued to the screen his mind was elsewhere. He sat in the middle of the two-seater sofa, apparently expecting Jay to take one of the armchairs, but Jay wasn’t in the mood for following Ryan’s lead. He had no idea where his temper was coming from, and he knew the last person who should feel his annoyance was the man in front of him, but at that moment it seemed more important to startle the man out of his strange mood than to give him space.
“Move over,” he said as he practically sat down on Ryan’s lap. If he didn’t move soon, he had every intention of doing just that.
“Why?” Ryan asked, managing to sound both surly and argumentative.
“Why what?” Jay asked, mimicking Ryan’s annoyance.
“Why do you want to sit beside me? You’re not gay, remember?”
“Yeah, well maybe I’m not as sure about that as I used to be.” The words were out of his mouth and he didn’t regret them, not one bit, but he still managed to avoid looking at Ryan. After a few moments of utter silence, Ryan moved slightly to the left of the sofa and made just enough room for Jay to sit down.
They sat there in strained silence trying to choke down the takeout food without looking at each other. Neither of them even opened their beer, and the bottles sat gathering moisture that slowly dripped onto the coffee table.
Eventually Ryan breathed out heavily, dumped his burger back into the paper bag and asked quietly, “What about Kat?”
Jay knew this would come up eventually. He owed Ryan an explanation. Even if he couldn’t fully explain it to himself, he had to try.
“It’s kind of hard to explain,” he began, trying to sort the mess of his emotions into intelligent words. “Since our families died it’s just been the two of us. We sort of learned to rely on each other and you know, as teenagers alone, it was kind of the two of us against the world. I’ve never been closer to anyone than I am to Kat.”
“How close?” Ryan asked his voice husky like the words were dragged from him by his need to know.
“Never that close,” Jay quickly assured him. “It’s more of an emotional closeness. I had no idea Kat thought of me while she was married, but it sort of makes sense in a way. We practically lived like a couple when we lived together, except for the sex of course, but in almost every other way it was like a partnership, like a marriage. It was certainly more stable than her actual marriage. Her ex-husband is a complete dick, so after everything she’s been through it’s probably normal for her to want to go back to a relationship she felt safe in.”
Ryan was quiet, watching him closely, waiting for him to go on.
“As for me I guess I’ve never met a woman who measured up to my best friend, so the affection we feel toward each other”—he glanced at Ryan, wondering if he was about to lose a friendship he valued—“is probably sort of normal in a way. But it’s never been romantic.” He swallowed hard. He was tempted to explain that he wouldn’t risk ruining such a valued friendship by complicating it with sex and romance, but considering his own confused emotions and unexpected attraction to Ryan maybe it would just confuse things even more.
Ryan was quiet so long that Jay half expected to be shown the door any moment.
“What did the doctor say?”
“What?” Jay asked in confusion. “The doctor didn’t hear her say that, did he?”
“No,” Ryan said, shaking his head and smiling encouragingly. “I meant, what did the doctor say when he called you into the hallway?”
“He…um…he wants to um…” Jay broke off the statement as embarrassment flooded him. Kat would be supremely pissed to know that the doctor suggested a psychiatric consult and even angrier if she thought people knew. But this was Ryan, and even though Kat didn’t know him well, Jay felt that he did.
He was about to try again when Ryan asked quietly, “He wants her to talk to someone?”
Jay nodded. “The doctor thinks her confusion may have been a reaction to the new pain relievers, but he suggested that she speak to a therapist to help her cope with the emotional trauma anyway.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Ryan said, nodding.
“So do I,” Jay said, feeling a little less anxious, “but I doubt Kat is going to agree.”
“What about you? It might be an idea for you to talk to a therapist, too.”
* * * *
Ryan hid his smile at the horrified expression on Jay’s face. He may as well have suggested that they strip naked and fly around the room, except that image was probably not a good idea if he wanted to keep his cock under control. The damn thing grew anyway.
“No,” Jay said, exhaling loudly. “Believe it or not, talking to you is helping.”
Ryan nodded, wanting to ask what Jay had meant earlier when he’d sat down. He wasn’t sure he wasn’t gay? Did that mean he thought he might be, or just that he felt confused by his friendship with a bisexual man? Ryan’s cock twitched with hope, demanding a straight answer—well, maybe not the straight answer. He crossed his legs, hoping to hide his growing arousal from the man beside him. Damn it, Jay was tired, stressed and confused. Ryan should not be thinking like this.
“Well, I should probably grab a shower and get some sleep. I’m on duty in eight hours.” He yawned and stretched and tried to get off the sofa without letting Jay see the hard-on he sported, but Jay ruined his maneuver by calling his name.
“Ry, can we talk about us?”
“Us?” he asked quickly as he sat back down and tried desperately to make his cock behave.
“It’s just…Well I’m confused, and this is probably the worst time in my life to be making major decisions, but well I feel…something for you and I don’t want to hurt you by being unsure but I kind of…want to…maybe…explore the type of relationship we could have.” He finished the sentence in a rush and Ryan watched as an embarrassed blush crept up Jay’s throat and cheeks.
“Kiss me,” Ryan said, not moving forwar
d, just waiting for Jay’s response. He looked surprised to say the least.
“What?”
“Kiss me. You think you might be gay, kiss me and find out.”
“But…but…how will that prove anything?”
Ryan was very glad to see a spark of interest in Jay’s expression.
“It probably won’t prove that you are gay, but well if you’ve never kissed a man before, how do you know if you’ll like it?” By the time he finished his little explanation Jay was smiling and looking a little more relaxed.
“I just don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly.
Deliberately misinterpreting Jay’s fear, Ryan laughed and said, “I doubt your kisses are that dangerous. Kiss me.” And Jay did. He leaned over, his head tilting to one side slightly as he gently brushed his lips over Ryan’s. Ryan held himself in check, his whole body screaming for him to deepen the kiss, but he held back, participating without demanding, letting Jay dictate how far they went.
With a deep groan, Jay wrapped his arms around Ryan and pulled him closer, his tongue seeking entrance to his mouth. Ryan opened willingly, still letting Jay lead but knowing he would have to call a halt soon. Even with this kiss overpowering his senses, he knew Jay wasn’t ready for anything more. Ryan had to be the one to pull back before they did something they both might regret later. Ryan gentled the kiss, taking them from the edge of need and back into a friendly embrace.
Slowly he pulled away and looked at Jay’s face. The wonder he saw there didn’t surprise him, but it did fill his heart with joy. Jay wore the same expression Ryan himself had felt the first time he’d kissed a man—like he finally understood something that had confused him, almost like a secret he hadn’t known existed had finally been unlocked.
“We should get some sleep,” Ryan said as he touched Jay’s cheek. “I want to hold you close all night. Is that okay?”
Jay still looked a little dazed, but when Ryan’s words finally sank in, he looked apprehensive. He seemed to be nodding and shaking his head at the same time and Ryan couldn’t help but laugh quietly.
He placed his fingers over Jay’s mouth and said, “Just sleep. Neither of us is ready to take the next step.”
Jay nodded, managing to look both relieved and disappointed at the same time. Ryan knew that feeling well. He wanted Jay and he wanted to explore a relationship with the man, but he didn’t want to be just an experiment, a walk on the other side of the fence, to Jay. If Ryan was going to make love to his friend, he needed to at least be sure it was what they both really wanted.
“I’ll clean up while you have a shower,” Jay said decisively as if he’d made some sort of decision in his head, “and Ry? Can we not sleep on that torture device you call a guest bed?”
Ryan laughed, pulled Jay close for a quick kiss, and then left the room smiling.
* * * *
As soon as Ryan exited the room, Jay’s legs gave out on him and he fell heavily onto the sofa. The kiss had been totally, mind-blowingly amazing. He’d never experienced anything like it. He’d slept with quite a few women over the years, but none of them had managed to affect him the way a single kiss with Ryan had. Hell, his knees still wobbled even sitting down.
He moved awkwardly, adjusting his jeans—or rather, Ryan’s jeans—around his seriously hard cock. Thank God Ryan’s clothes were a roomy fit or he could be having a whole lot more problems than just discomfort. He couldn’t ever remember being this hard.
He closed his eyes briefly but popped them open quickly when images of what he and Ryan could be doing danced through his brain. Whoa, he’d gone from “I might be gay,” to “I am beyond certain,” in a very short time. His attraction to Ryan was off-the-charts hot and he desperately wanted to explore it.
But, he reminded himself quickly, with everything that had happened over the last few days, could he really be certain of his own mind? Was it possible that when things settled down and life returned to something resembling normal, he would change his mind and hurt Ryan in the process?
That single thought worked better than a cold shower, and his cock began to deflate quickly. Ryan was right. They should take this slowly, explore their attraction carefully, and try not to hurt each other. Ryan was already a closer friend than some he’d known for years. Jay would be devastated to lose that connection and vowed to know his own mind before he did something they might both regret.
Chapter Five
“Jay, you should go home. You look exhausted.”
Kat watched him make a real effort to look more alert, but it seriously did not work. The man was so tired he couldn’t even pretend to be fully awake.
“I’m sorry, Kat, I didn’t sleep very well last night.”
“No kidding,” she said, trying to sound cheerful. “I would never have guessed by the dark circles under your eyes.” But she couldn’t quite help the words that slipped out. “I’m sorry.”
He looked annoyed, as she expected him to. The first time she’d apologized to him she thought he was going to pitch a complete fit in the middle of the hospital ward. He’d settled for a growled, “Not your fault,” and then made an obvious effort to calm down.
“What do you think of Ryan?” Startled by the quick change of subject, Kat tried to get her brain in gear. Ryan had been here every day that she could remember. Granted the days had blurred together, but there didn’t seem to be a waking memory without Ryan popping in to see her at least once.
“I like him,” she said, remembering his handsome face and kind eyes.
“I was thinking of asking him to move in with me?” So many questions were running through her mind that she felt kind of dizzy, but when the obvious answer hit her she wanted to get angry. Unfortunately she’d been doing so much therapy lately to control her anger she found the emotion difficult to dredge up.
“To protect me?” she asked, memories of her strange obsession with the fact that Ryan owned a gun running through her head. Her mind was fuzzy on details but some of the stranger things that had happened while under medication replayed in her mind over and over.
“No,” he quickly reassured. “Not for you, for me.” Now she had absolutely no idea where this conversation was going. She’d noticed a small amount of memory loss, or maybe concentration loss would be a better description, but she couldn’t seem to fathom what Jay actually meant.
Her confusion must’ve shown on her face because he leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and whispered into her ear, “I think I love him.”
Okay, the medication must still be messing with her head. She was pretty sure that Jay wasn’t gay. In fact she remembered a long list of horrible, needy, bitchy women trying to pin him to the marriage table. Did she miss something important?
“You’re…”
“Gay,” he finished for her.
“And Ryan’s?”
“Gay as well.” He shook his head slightly. “He said he’s bisexual, but I suppose that means gay when he’s with a man.”
“Oh, well that’s…um…good to know. I mean you know, that you’re both gay and all and you think you love him and he loves you…I mean, does he love you?” Oh hell, she was babbling now. Her best friend was gay? The man, the standard she held all others against, was gay? What did that say about her? And shit, Ryan—the one other man she’d learned to trust in the weeks since her attack—was gay also.
“Kat? Kat, honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shock you.”
“No. No shock. I mean, well okay, maybe a little shock.” She made sure he was looking at her and said, “But I am very happy for you. Ryan’s a great guy and I think you’ll be happy together.”
“Me too,” Jay said with a wistful smile on his face. “Now if I can just convince him.”
Kat shifted, trying to find a comfortable space in the bed. She was more than ready to go home—well not her home, she doubted she would ever go there again—but out-of-hospital-home would be a welcome change. Jay had already arranged for her to move back in with him, a
nd she hoped that the doctor would agree to let her go home soon. She’d already booked several more sessions with the therapist and felt confident that her physical and emotional recoveries were well on track.
* * * *
Jay watched Kat wriggle in the bed, a little surprised to realize that even though he was emotionally and physically attracted to Ryan that the attraction to his best friend wasn’t even close to being dead. Her breasts pressed against the silk of her pajamas, the nipples stiff from the air conditioning. At least he hoped they were stiff because of the cold air. After her drug-induced confession of being attracted to him, he wasn’t entirely certain.
It was also possible that was a part of the reason he wanted Ryan to move in with him. He knew in his own mind that the timing was suspicious, but he’d worked hard to convince himself that it was just coincidence. Ryan would likely see the advantage Jay gained from having someone available to stay with Kat when he went back to work at the restaurant. Kat would only be alone in the apartment on the nights when Ryan had the nightshift and Jay couldn’t reassign the roster at the restaurant. Hopefully, between the two of them, they could manage a round-the-clock watch on Kat. But that really wasn’t the main reason Jay wanted Ryan to move in.
Put simply, Jay wanted Ryan. He wanted in his arms, in his bed, and in his heart. Besides his worry for Kat, Ryan was the first person he thought of in the morning and the last person he thought of before going to bed. The last three nights sleep had eluded Jay simply because Ryan wasn’t beside him.
They hadn’t progressed past that mind-blowing kiss, but Jay was more than ready to move their relationship to the next step. His cock pulsed, lengthening against his zipper as he tried and failed to ignore the images flashing in his head.
“When?” The single word didn’t hold any meaning until she said it again.
“Oh,” he said, trying to hide the goofy smile he was sure hung on his face. “I invited him to the restaurant for dinner tonight. It’ll give me a chance to show him the apartment.”