by Dina Silver
“I can’t afford to get close to another person right now!” His voice was raised.
I looked down at the mattress and cocked my head to the side before looking at him square in the eyes. “Well, maybe you should have thought of that weeks ago. Isn’t it a little late for that?”
He tossed the towel on the bed and paced the floor, pulling at his hair.
“It was hard for you today, seeing your boat. I knew it would be. But you don’t have to do this to us. You said yourself that you refused to let those men win and take away the things you care about.”
He sat on an armchair in the corner. “But they did.”
“I’m still here.”
He lowered his head and wrapped his hands behind his neck. I could feel my insides crumbling into ash.
“It was just a nightmare,” I whispered.
“They’re never just nightmares. They’re products of my reality, and I’m sick of them. The minute I think they’re gone for good, something else happens to awaken the beast.” He looked up at me. “My heart won’t survive the next something.”
I don’t know if feeling vulnerable is anyone’s strong suit, but it certainly wasn’t mine. His resolute demeanor, and the lack of uncertainty in his voice, left me weak. I just kept repeating in my head, This can’t be happening.
“So this is it?” I asked. “You put me on a plane tomorrow and just move along? Back to our old routines like nothing ever happened?” I shook my head. “How do you expect me to do that?”
“I don’t know.”
“I think you’re more afraid of getting close to someone than you are of losing them.”
“Maybe I am.”
“Look, Grant, I would never for one second pretend I know what you went through with your wife—I promise you that. But I read her letter, and you said yourself that she wants you to be happy, and I know I can make you happy.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do, because I’m not going to let you play the victim for the rest of your life.” I sighed. “And Quinn, although I only knew him for a short time, I felt like I knew him forever. Everyone did. I wish I had the right words to say to make things better, but I don’t. All we can do is be there for each other.” I scooted to the edge of the bed. “I can’t stop you from breaking things off with me, but the least I can do is fight for us. If you made your mind up after ten minutes in the bathroom, then so be it. But consider how far we’ve come and how happy we make each other. It would be a shame to throw it all away on account of a few sleepless nights.”
He considered what I said. “My gut is telling me I need to be alone. I deserve to be alone.”
My heart was crushed, but my head was fuming. I didn’t want to be angry with him, because I felt bad for everything he’d been through, but it killed me to see someone pushing people away when they needed them the most.
“I’m sure I’ll regret this,” he said.
“You will.”
“But I won’t regret keeping you safe.”
“You can’t protect me or anyone else, and you certainly can’t protect your heart. Pushing people away, the ones who love you the most, isn’t going to bring you any less heartache. Until you realize that, the nightmares will never stop.” I laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes before the tears could escape. “Good night, Grant.”
Is there a Buddha to mend a broken heart?
Chapter 33
I packed my few belongings amongst awkward small talk with Grant the next morning, and after we’d both had our coffee he took me to the airport to catch a flight to Phuket. He stepped out of the taxi to grab my backpack from the trunk and then stood with me on the curb. We stared at each other for a long moment before I leaned in and hugged him. I took a deep, long inhale through my nose to capture his scent and then pulled away.
“Good-bye, Grant.”
I was determined to stay strong in front of him.
When I woke that morning, I thought about my mother and the contrast between her as a beautiful young newlywed so full of life and the God-fearing, angry introvert I knew. At some point in her life, she must have been at a crossroads and chosen the wrong path. Maybe people tried to talk her out of it; maybe they didn’t. Either way, she stayed with what she knew, what she thought would keep her safe and protected, yet it held her captive and robbed her of loving relationships with her children and true happiness.
Growing up, the Serenity Prayer was printed on a large wooden cross that hung above the breakfast table in our kitchen:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
It occurred to me that morning that she hung the prayer there for me.
I knew that my relationship with Grant would never survive unless he faced and conquered his demons. That I would never be able to make him whole unless he was willing to accept what he couldn’t change, and choose the path to happiness.
“I’m going to miss you,” he said.
“It’s your choice.”
“I love you, Jess, and I’m so sorry. You have no idea how much.” His eyes were intense. “I should have told you that before, but I’m telling you now. It pains me to let you go, but I know it’s the right thing to do.”
“Please don’t.”
He sighed. “Will you be okay?”
I nodded and lifted my backpack onto my shoulder.
When I landed in Phuket, Sophie was waiting for me at the gate. We hugged and cried a little, and seeing a familiar face was exactly what I needed. Oddly enough, arriving in Phuket that time wasn’t much different than when I came there six months earlier. My emotions were fragile, and I was nervous and anxious for the future, but in a totally different way.
“God, I missed you something fierce,” she said with her arm around my shoulders as we walked.
“I missed you too.”
Sophie knew everything that had happened to me, aside from my own personal nightmare in the hotel room with Grant the night before. I e-mailed her and Skylar and Mrs. Knight from Miami, updating them on most of the details from our ordeal. But I’d sent Sophie a separate note with the details on Grant.
“Niran has a huge welcome-back party planned for you tonight.”
“He does?”
“Of course he does. Are you up for it?”
“I really don’t know.”
She stopped walking and stood in front of me. “Darling, you just say the word. None of us have recovered from hearing your story. Shit, I cried for three days straight over Quinn.” She shook her head and placed her hand to her heart. “That frisky little bugger. Damn shame, I tell you. Damn shame.”
I nodded.
“So if you’re not up for a party, I will call it off this instant.”
“It’s fine. I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“What about lover boy? What’s his plan? Is he cleaning things up, or getting on with a new boat?”
I threw my hands up. “I think we’re done.”
She drew her head back. “Done with what?”
“With each other. He told me last night that he can’t afford to get close to anyone else. That he feels responsible for what happened to Quinn and maybe in some way his wife. I guess he’s scared.”
She shook her head in disbelief. “Scared of what?”
“Losing someone else.”
“That’s bollocks!”
“I know, but it’s the truth.”
She turned and we kept walking. “After everything that went down, I don’t know what to say.”
“Neither do I.”
Sophie dropped me off at home, and for a moment I felt like the naïve girl who stepped out of the taxi with only American money just months ago.
Mrs. Knight was waiting for me just inside the door and embraced me when I walked in. I wa
s touched by how moved she was when she saw me.
“Niran is throwing me a little welcome-home party at the bar tonight. I would love to have you both join me. Do you think you’d be up for it?” I asked her. Mr. Knight rarely left his beloved Barcalounger on the back porch.
“We wouldn’t miss it,” she said. “Mr. Knight is on the porch. I know he’s very eager to see you.”
“And I him.” I left my bags in the foyer and walked to the back of the house. “Please don’t get up,” I said as he braced himself on the armrests and began to stand.
“My dear, I’m not too old to stand up for my favorite girl.” We hugged. “You gave us quite a scare. Please have a seat.”
“I’m sorry I worried you both. It was . . .” I paused and looked away for a second. “I really have no words. It was awful. I’m just grateful to be back in one piece.”
“We’re very sorry about your friend.”
“Me too.”
He leaned back. “What about the other man? Sophie told us that you and he are an item.”
I smiled at his terminology. “Grant. Yes, we were. But he sort of ended things with me last night.”
Mr. Knight furrowed his brow. “Are you upset by that?”
“I am, but I’ll be fine. He’s a good man. A really good man, and I wish him the best. I may or may not have mentioned to you that he’d lost his wife a few years ago and this trip . . . This journey he’s on is something he has to complete for himself. I was just a small part of it.”
He stared at me. “Do you love him?”
“I do.”
“Has he hurt you?”
His question caught me off guard. I knew he wasn’t referring to physical pain. He was asking about my heart. Was it ripped apart and left to heal with no bandage? Yes. Did my stomach turn when I thought of Grant—which was every second? Yes. Did he hurt me? It felt unfair to say yes when he’d taught me so much about love in such a short time. There are certain things in life that must be experienced in order to fully understand them, and falling in love and heartbreak are two of them. No one can amply describe what it is to love someone unconditionally and then lose them in an instant. He didn’t hurt me on purpose, but being separated from him did bring me immeasurable pain.
I looked up at Mr. Knight, married for fifty years to his high school sweetheart. “I wish things could have been different, but I’ll be okay.”
I retreated to my room and was overcome with emotion. It smelled like home, and there was an embracing calm in the air. My tiny corner of the world where so much had happened yet so little had changed. I closed the door and lay down on the bed, where I prepared for tears that never came. Where I normally would’ve cried—over the boat, the trip, the attack, Quinn, Grant, all of it—I didn’t shed a single tear, because it seemed juvenile and unnecessary.
Everything felt right, but it would be forever wrong without Grant, and I feared what was to come. I knew this was going to wound me in ways that would take months, maybe years to recover from. I’d fallen hard and fast for him and experienced emotions I’d never known. I knew the withdrawal would be the hardest part, and I dreaded it. Leaving Caroline was initially hard, but she was family—and even if we were separated by distance, we would always be close. But tethering my affections to a drifter like Grant was much different than anything my adventurous heart had ever imagined.
When I walked onto the back patio of the bar that night, I was greeted by a twenty-foot banner that read “Jessica Lives!”
Niran was wearing a hot pink tunic with white linen pants and sipping a cosmopolitan. “You miss Niran?”
“Very much.” We hugged. “You miss Jessica?”
“Very much, yes. My place not the same without my girls.”
“Thank you. It’s good to be back.”
“It is very sad about Quinn. He was really good guy, like me.”
“Yes, he was.”
“You have sex with the other one?”
His question made me laugh really hard for the first time in a long time.
Chapter 34
Good morning, class. Please take your seats.”
It had been three weeks since my return, and things were eerily back to normal. There’s no rulebook for how to deal with tragedy and live through the aftermath. No etiquette for how long you’re supposed to carry survivor’s guilt, so I did the best I could with what I had, which was my work and my friends. My heartbreak over Grant had to take a backseat to dealing with everything else.
Once I was back in my comfort zone, I started to have anxiety about the pirates. I grew wearier of my surroundings and of perfect strangers. It was natural, I was told, and all I could do was manage it to the best of my ability. Skylar was given news that there was a school in London that she could be transferred to, so she’d promoted Sophie to the director job. I asked to be relieved of my assistant duties when I came back to school, preferring to focus on teaching.
I missed being with the kids. My first day back, Alak embraced me and held on for dear life.
“Missed you, Miss Jessica,” he whispered.
I pulled back and wiped his tears with my hand. “I missed you too, little man. And guess what?”
“What?”
“I have tons of laundry to do!”
He smiled. “The Laundry Kitties are really hungry.”
“I bet they are, and I’m going to bring, like, ten cans of tuna with me. Will you meet me at the ’Mat on Sunday?”
He nodded with great purpose.
I’d moved on, but I thought about Grant every day. That night, I went home and wrote him an e-mail.
Hi Grant,
I just wanted you to know that all is well with me. I’m back to work at the bar and the school like nothing ever happened. I think about you all the time, but I’m determined to respect your wishes. I just hope that you will keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing. I miss you, and I am safe.
Then I deleted it and started over.
Why was I bothering with niceties? I’d spent my entire youth placating people and smoothing feathers. Why on earth was I still doing it? I left that life behind. I moved to Thailand to do what I wanted and to get away from appeasing everyone else. Had I not learned anything? I was slipping back into familiar habits and letting people decide what was best for me. I needed to put a stop to it once and for all.
I adjusted my shoulders and typed a new e-mail to Grant. It read:
You’re a coward.
And then I hit Send.
A week later, Sophie and I were sitting in the school office hours after classes had ended when one of the student’s parents came in, outraged. Apparently, six-year-old Marina got on the bus but fell asleep in the backseat and never got off at her stop. I excused myself to my classroom and left Sophie to her coveted director duties.
I was placing all the chairs upside down on the tabletops when I heard a man’s voice behind me.
“Excuse me.”
I turned to find Mr. Knight standing there.
“Mr. Knight, hello! Please come in.” I gestured with my hand.
“Hello, dear. What a darling classroom this is.”
“Thank you.” I placed my hands on my hips. “Is everything all right? To what do I owe this pleasure?”
He took a couple steps forward. “Well, you see, something came for you at the house, and I thought I’d better bring it to you right away.”
“Oh?”
Mr. Knight turned around, and Grant appeared in the doorway.
My hand flew to my mouth.
“Here it is,” Mr. Knight said, oddly amused, and then took a step forward and whispered in my ear. “I’m not too old to stand up for my favorite girl.” He winked at me. “I’ll leave the two of you alone now.”
My eyes were glued to Grant. He stared at me apprehensively, and I realized my body had frozen. I blinked and then lifted my chin.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.”
“It’s getting la
te, so I stopped by your house. I thought you’d be home by now.”
“Sophie and I had some work to do.”
My insides were drawn to him like a magnet. I had to struggle to keep my feet firmly planted and not run into his arms. I wasn’t a game player; I hadn’t enough experience with relationships to know how to play it cool and act indifferent. All I knew was that the man I’d fallen in love with was standing a few feet from my reach, and I wanted to touch him. I had no desire to play coy, but I knew I had to, and I hated it.
“Can I come in?” he asked. His voice made me shiver.
“Yes, of course.”
Grant walked toward me and left little space between us. I couldn’t breathe.
“How have you been?”
“Good,” I said softly.
“I missed you.”
“Is that why you’re here?”
“Yes.”
I looked up at him. “You’re here because you missed me?”
He loosely took both my hands in his and I let him. To this day I don’t know how I held myself together in that moment.
“I’m here because you were right. I’m tired of living with regret.” He lowered his head. “And I regret letting you go.” He released my hands and sat on the edge of the desk.
“How’s Imagine?”
“She’s gone.”
I gasped. “What happened?”
“You were right about her too. There were too many memories there. Many were great, but most were ones that I’d like to forget. I traded her in for someone new.”
I smiled.
“I was hoping you and I could talk.” He stood. “I have a room at the marina hotel. Will you meet me there tonight around eight?”
“Sure.”
“Great. I’ll see you then.”
Chapter 35
I sat on a couch in Grant’s hotel suite as he brought over two glasses of wine and joined me. He took a sip and leaned back, releasing a long breath through his nose.
I stared at him, speechless, yet with so much to say. But that time I wasn’t going to wait for my questions to be answered or my sentiments to be reciprocated. He needed to make the first move.