BILL [defiantty] Yes, it w a s me that cut her lip. I aint afraid o you.
BARBARA How could you be, since youre not afraid of God? Youre a brave man, Mr. Walker. It takes some pluck to do our work here; but none of us dare lift our hand against a girl like that, for fear of her father in heaven.
BILL [sullenly] I want none o your cantin jaw. I suppose you think I come here to beg from you, like this damaged lot here. Not me. I dont want your bread and scrape and catlap. [54] I dont believe in your Gawd, no more than you do yourself.
BARBARA (sunnily apologetic and ladylike, as on a new footing with him] Oh, I beg your pardon for putting your name down, Mr. Walker. I didnt understand. I’ll strike it out.
BILL [taking this as a slight, and deeply wounded by it] Eah! you let my name alone. Aint it good enough to be in your book?
BARBARA [considering] Well, you see, theres no use putting down your name unless I can do something for you, is there? Whats your trade?
BILL [still smarting] Thats no concern o yours.
BARBARA Just so. [Very businesslike.] I’ll put you down as [writing] the man who — struck — poor little Jenny Hill — in the mouth.
BILL [rising threateningly] See here. Ive ad enough o this.
BARBARA [quite sunny and fearless] What did you come to us for?
BILL I come for my girl, see? I come to take her out o this and to break er jawr for her.
BARBARA [complacently] You see I was right about your trade. [BILL, on the point of retorting furiously, finds himself, to his great shame and terror, in danger of crying instead. He sits down again suddenly. ] Whats her name?
BILL (dogged] Er name’s Mog Abbijam: thats wot her name is.
BARBARA Oh, she’s gone to Canning Town, to our barracks there.
BILL [fortified by his resentment of MOG’s perfidy] Is she? [Vindictively.) Then I’m goin to Kennintahn arter her. [He crosses to the gate; hesitates; finally comes back at Barbara.] Are you lyin to me to get shut o me?
BARBARA I dont want to get shut of you. I want to keep you here and save your soul. Youd better stay: youre going to have a bad time today, Bill.
BILL Who’s goin to give it to me? You, praps.
BARBARA Someone you dont believe in. But youll be glad afterwards.
BILL [slinking off] I’ll go to Kennintahn to be out o the reach o your tongue. (Suddenly turning on her with intense malice.] And if I dont find Mog there, I’ll come back and do two years for you, selp me Gawd if I don‘t!
BARBARA [a shade kindlier, if possible] It’s no use, Bill. Shes got another bloke.
BILL Wot!
BARBARA One of her own converts. He fell in love with her when he saw her with her soul saved, and her face clean, and her hair washed.
BILL [surprised] Wottud she wash it for, the carroty slut? It’s red.
BARBARA It’s quite lovely now, because she wears a new look in her eyes with it. It’s a pity youre too late. The new bloke has put your nose out of joint, Bill.
BILL I’ll put his nose out o joint for him. Not that I care a curse for her, mind that. But I’ll teach her to drop me as if I was dirt. And I’ll teach him to meddle with my judy. Wots iz bleedin name?
BARBARA Sergeant Todger Fairmile.
SHIRLEY [rising with grim joy] I’ll go with him, miss. I want to see them two meet. I’ll take him to the infirmary when it’s over.
BILL [to SHIRLEY, with undissembled misgiving] Is that im you was speakin on?
SHIRLEY Thats him.
BILL Im that wrastled in the music all?
SHIRLEY The competitions at the National Sportin Club was worth nigh a hundred a year to him. Hes gev em up now for religion; so hes a bit fresh for want of the exercise he was accustomed to. Hell be glad to see you. Come along.
BILL Wots is weight?
SHIRLEY Thirteen four. [BILL’s last hope expires.]
BARBARA Go and talk to him, Bill. He’ll convert you.
SHIRLEY He’ll convert your head into a mashed potato.
BILL [sullenly] I aint afraid of him. I aint afraid of ennybody. But he can lick me. Shes done me. [He sits down moodily on the edge of the horse trough.]
SHIRLEY You aint goin. I thought not. [He resumes his seat.]
BARBARA (calling] Jenny!
JENNY [appearing at the shelter door with a plaster on the corner of her mouth] Yes, Major.
BARBARA Send Rummy Mitchens out to clear away here.
JENNY I think shes afraid .
BARBARA [her resemblance to her mother flashing out for a moment] Nonsense! she must do as shes told.
JENNY (calling into the shelter] Rummy: the Major says you must come.
JENNY comes to BARBARA, purposely keeping on the side next BILL, lest he should suppose that she shrank from him or bore malice.
BARBARA Poor little Jenny! Are you tired? [Looking at the wounded cheek.] Does it hurt?
JENNY No: it’s all right now. It was nothing.
BARBARA [critically] It was as hard as he could hit, I expect. Poor Bill! You dont feel angry with him, do you?
JENNY Oh no, no, no: indeed I dont, Major, bless his poor heart! (BARBARA kisses her; and she runs away merrily into the shelter. Bill writhes with an agonizing return of his new and alarming symptoms, but says nothing. RUMMY MITCHENS comes from the shelter. ]
BARBARA [going to meet RUMMY] Now Rummy, bustle. Take in those mugs and plates to be washed; and throw the crumbs about for the birds.
RUMMY takes the three plates and mugs; but SHIRLEY takes back his mug from her, as there is still some milk left in it.
RUMMY There aint any crumbs. This aint a time to waste good bread on birds.
PRICE [appearing at the shelter door] Gentleman come to see the shelter, Major. Says hes your father.
BARBARA All right. Coming. [SNOBBY goes back into the shelter, followed by BARBARA.]
RUMMY [stealing across to BILL and addressing him in a subdued voice, but with intense conviction] I’d av the lor of you, you flat eared pignosed potwalloper,[55] if she’d let me.Youre no gentleman, to hit a lady in the face. [BILL, with greater things moving in him, takes no notice.]
SHIRLEY [following her] Here! in with you and dont get yourself into more trouble by talking.
RUMMY [with hauteur] I aint ad the pleasure o being hintro duced to you, as I can remember. [She goes into the shelter with the plates. ]
SHIRLEY Thats the —
BILL [savagely] Dont you talk to me, d‘ye hear. You lea me alone, or I’ll do you a mischief. I’m not dirt under your feet, anyway.
SHIRLEY [calmly] Dont you be afeerd. You aint such prime company that you need expect to be sought after. [He is about to go into the shelter when BARBARA comes out, with UNDERSHAFT on her right.]
BARBARA Oh there you are, Mr. Shirley! [Between them.] This is my father: I told you he was a Secularist, didnt I? Perhaps youll be able to comfort one another.
UNDERSHAFT [startled] A Secularist! Not the least in the world: on the contrary, a confirmed mystic.
BARBARA Sorry, I’m sure. By the way, papa, what i s your religion — in case I have to introduce you again?
UNDERSHAFT My religion? Well, my dear, I am a Millionaire. That is my religion.
BARBARA Then I’m afraid you and Mr. Shirley wont be able to comfort one another after all. Youre not a Millionaire, are you, Peter?
SHIRLEY No; and proud of it.
UNDERSHAFT [gravely] Poverty, my friend, is not a thing to be proud of.
SHIRLEY [angrily] Who made your millions for you? Me and my like. Whats kep us poor? Keepin you rich. I wouldnt have your conscience, not for all your income.
UNDERSHAFT I wouldnt have your income, not for all your conscience, Mr. Shirley. [He goes to the penthouse and sits down on a form. ]
BARBARA [stopping SHIRLEY adroitly as he is about to retort] You wouldnt think he was my father, would you, Peter? Will you go into the shelter and lend the lasses a hand for a while: we’re worked off our feet.
SHIRLEY [bitterl
y] Yes: I’m in their debt for a meal, aint I?
BARBARA Oh, not because youre in their debt; but for love of them, Peter, for love of them. [He cannot understand, and is rather scandalized.] There! dont stare at me. In with you; and give that conscience of yours a holiday [bustling him into the shelter] .
SHIRLEY [as he goes in] Ah! it’s a pity you never was trained to use your reason, miss. Youd have been a very taking lecturer on Secularism.
BARBARA turns to her father.
UNDERSHAFT Never mind me, my dear. Go about your work; and let me watch it for a while.
BARBARA All right.
UNDERSHAFT For instance, whats the matter with that outpatient over there?
BARBARA [looking at BILL, whose attitude has never changed, and whose expression of brooding wrath has deepened] Oh, we shall cure him in no time. Just watch. [She goes over to BILL and waits. He glances up at her and casts his eyes down again, uneasy, but grimmer than ever.] It w o u l d be nice to just stamp on Mog Hab bijam’s face, wouldnt it, Bill?
BILL [starting up from the trough in consternation] It’s a lie: I never said so. [She shakes her head. ] Who told you wot was in my mind?
BARBARA Only your new friend.
BILL Wot new friend?
BARBARA The devil, Bill. When he gets round people they get miserable, just like you.
BILL [with a heartbreaking attempt at devil-may-care cheerfulness] I aint miserable. [He sits down again, and stretches his legs in an attempt to seem indifferent.]
BARBARA Well, if youre happy, why dont you look happy, as we do?
BILL [his legs curling back in spite of him] I’m appy enough, I tell you. Why dont you lea me alown? Wot av I done to y o u? I aint smashed your face, av I?
BARBARA [softly: wooing his soul] It’s not me thats getting at you, Bill.
BILL Who else is it?
BARBARA Somebody that doesnt intend you to smash women’s faces, I suppose. Somebody or something that wants to make a man of you.
BILL [blustering] Make a man o m e! Aint I a man? eh? aint I a man? Who sez I’m not a man?
BARBARA Theres a man in you somewhere, I suppose. But why did he let you hit poor little Jenny Hill? That wasnt very manly of him, was it?
BILL [tormented] Av done with it, I tell you. Chack it. I’m sick of your Jenny III and er silly little face.
BARBARA Then why do you keep thinking about it? Why does it keep coming up against you in your mind?Youre not getting converted, are you?
BILL [with conviction] Not ME. Not likely. Not arf.[56]
BARBARA Thats right, Bill. Hold out against it. Put out your strength. Dont lets get you cheap. Todger Fairmile said he wrestled for three nights against his Salvation harder than he ever wrestled with the Jap at the music hall. He gave in to the Jap when his arm was going to break. But he didnt give in to his salvation until his heart was going to break. Perhaps youll escape that. You havnt any heart, have you?
BILL Wot d‘ye mean? Wy aint I got a art the same as ennybody else?
BARBARA A man with a heart wouldnt have bashed poor little Jenny’s face, would he?
BILL [almost crying] Ow, will you lea me alown? Av I ever offered to meddle with y o u, that you come naggin and provowkin me lawk this? [He writhes convulsively from his eyes to his toes. ]
BARBARA [with a steady soothing hand on his arm and a gentle voice that never lets him go] It’s your soul thats hurting you, Bill, and not me. Weve been through it all ourselves. Come with us, Bill. [He looks wildly round. ] To brave manhood on earth and eternal glory in heaven. [He is on the point of breaking down.] Come. [A drum is heard in the shelter; and BILL, with a gasp, escapes from the spell as BARBARA turns quickly. ADOLPHUS enters from the shelter with a big drum.] Oh! there you are, Dolly. Let me introduce a new friend of mine, Mr. Bill Walker. This is my bloke, Bill: Mr. Cusins. (CUSINS salutes with his drumstick.]
BILL Goin to marry im?
BARBARA Yes.
BILL fervently] Gord elp im! Gawd elp im!
BARBARA Why? Do you think he wont be happy with me?
BILL Ive only ad to stand it for a mornin: e’ll av to stand it for a lifetime.
CUSINS That is a frightful reflection, Mr. Walker. But I cant tear myself away from her.
BILL Well, I can. [To BARBARA.] Eah! do you know where I’m going to, and wot I’m goin to do?
BARBARA Yes: youre going to heaven; and youre coming back here before the week’s out to tell me so.
BILL You lie. I’m goin to Kennintahn, to spit in Todger Fairmile’s eye. I bashed Jenny Ill’s face; and now I’ll get me own face bashed and come back and shew it to er. E’ll it me ardern I it e r. Thatll make us square. [To ADOLPHUS. Is that fair or is it not?Youre a genlmn: you oughter know.
BARBARA Two black eyes wont make one white one, Bill.
BILL I didnt ast y o u. Cawnt you never keep your mahth shut? I ast the genlmn.
CUSINS [reflectively] Yes: I think youre right, Mr. Walker.Yes: I should do it. Its curious: its exactly what an ancient Greek would have done.
BARBARA But what good will it do?
CUSINS Well, it will give Mr. Fairmile some exercise; and it will satisfy Mr. Walker’s soul.
BILL Rot! there aint no sach a thing as a soul. Ah[57] kin you tell wether Ive a soul or not? You never seen it.
BARBARA Ive seen it hurting you when you went against it.
BILL [with compressed aggravation] If you was my girl and took the word out o me mahth lawk thet, I’d give you suthink youd feel urtin, so I would. [To ADOLPHUS. You take my tip, mate. Stop er jawr; or youll die afore your time. [With intense expression.] Wore aht: thets wot youll be: wore aht. [He goes away through the gate.]
CUSINS[looking after him] I wonder!
BARBARA Dolly! [Indignant, in her mother’s manner.]
CUSINS Yes, my dear, it’s very wearing to be in love with you. If it lasts, I quite think I shall die young.
BARBARA Should you mind?
CUSINS Not at all. [He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss over a big drum without practice. UNDERSHAFT coughs.]
BARBARA It’s all right, papa, weve not forgotten you. Dolly: explain the place to papa: I havnt time. [She goes busily into the shelter.]
UNDERSHAFT and ADOLPHUS now have the yard to themselves. UNDERSHAFT, seated on a form, and still keenly attentive, looks hard at ADOLPHUS. ADOLPHUS looks hard at him.
UNDERSHAFT I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr. Cusins. [CUSINS flourishes his drumsticks as if in the act of beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound.] Exactly so. But suppose Barbara finds you out!
CUSINS You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, have you any religion?
UNDERSHAFT Yes.
CUSINS Anything out of the common?
UNDERSHAFT Only that there are two things necessary to Salvation.
CLISINS [disappointed, but polite] Ah, the Church Catechism. Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church.
UNDERSHAFT The two things are —
CUSINS Baptism and —
UNDERSHAFT No. Money and gunpowder.
CUSINS [surprised, but interested] That is the general opinion of our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it.
UNDERSHAFT Just so.
CUSINS Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth?
UNDERSHAFT Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, strong, and safe life.
CUSINS Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or gunpowder?
UNDERSHAFT Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of both you cannot afford the others.
CUSINS That is your religion?
UNDERSHAFT Yes.
The cadence of this r
eply makes a full close in the conversation. CUSINS twists his face dubiously and contemplates UNDERSHAFT. UNDERSHAFT contemplates him.
CUSINS Barbara wont stand that. You will have to choose between your religion and Barbara.
UNDERSHAFT So will you, my friend . She will find out that that drum of yours is hollow.
CUSINS Father Under shaft : you are mistaken: I am a sincere Salvationist. You do not understand the Salvation Army. It is the army of joy, of love, of courage: it has banished the fear and remorse and despair of the old hell-ridden evangelical sects: it marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum, with music and dancing, with banner and palm, as becomes a sally from heaven by its happy garrison. It picks the waster out of the public house and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back kitchen, and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too, sons and daughters of the Highest. It takes the poor professor of Greek, the most artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures, from his meal of roots, and lets loose the rhapsodist in him; reveals the true worship of Dionysos{22} to him; sends him down the public street drumming dithyrambs [he plays a thundering flourish on the drum].
UNDERSHAFT You will alarm the shelter.
CUSINS Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of piety. However, if the drum worries you — [he pockets the drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground opposite the gateway].
UNDERSHAFT Thank you.
CUSINS You remember what Euripides says about your money and gunpowder?
UNDERSHAFT No.
CUSINS [declaiming]
One and another
In money and guns may outpass his brother;
And men in their millions float and flow
And seethe with a million hopes as leaven;
And they win their will; or they miss their will;
And their hopes are dead or are pined for still;
But whoe’ er can know
As the long days go
That to live is happy, has found his heaven.{23}
My translation: what do you think of it?
UNDERSHAFT I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be your own master.
Pygmalion and Three Other Plays Page 12