by Mary Alford
“No.”
“Lena…”
“No, I mean not here. Let’s go to your place instead. It feels more like home.”
Roc didn’t ask the question he wanted to. Instead, he put the car in gear and drove north to the quiet Brightwood Park neighborhood where he and I had first accepted our relationship was more than just a passing, physical affair. We’d tried to end it so many times in the beginning, but we always came back to each other, because nothing, not even The Agency and its rules, could stop us from falling in love.
Chapter Two
“You should try to get some sleep.” Roc closed the door and we stood facing each other in that awkward silence I’d become accustomed to as of late.
Although he was right, sleep was the last thing I wanted. My thinking process felt disjointed, my thoughts spinning in a million different directions. Why wasn’t Roc showing the usual signs of being furious with me? After all, by now he had to know there was a very real chance the man I’d hauled in was FLA.
“What aren’t you telling me, Roc?” I asked. “You know who this guy is affiliated with, so why aren’t we both down there with Mark? This isn’t like you.”
“Not like me? Lena, you could have gotten yourself killed tonight and all you’re worried about is interrogating this guy. Do you even realize that? Can’t you let it go?”
The expression on his face told me all of his fears. My brush with death had shaken him. It should have shaken me as well. I went into his arms and held him close. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I know you were worried and I’m sorry.” His arms tightened around me almost painfully.
“I don’t want to talk about work tonight, okay? I just want to hold you and reassure myself that you are really safe.” He wasn’t simply talking about the physical dangers I’d faced tonight.
Unlike Roc, I wasn’t ready to face those demons just yet.
~
When I awoke early the following morning, I was alone in bed. The second I swung my feet over the side, the room around me began to spin out of control.
With the morning light, the reality of what happened the night before took hold of me. I’d come close to dying and yet I was no closer to proving the man claiming to be my lost brother was anything more than someone trying to lure me out alone.
As a familiar sense of nausea settled in, I closed my eyes, trying to will it away and finally abandoning all hope of that happening. I ran to the bathroom, closed the door, and turned on the faucet to prevent Roc from hearing. No matter how much I tried to convince myself this was just reaction to recent events and fears, I realized it was different. This wasn’t the first time. For weeks now, I’d experienced this same sickness. I told myself it was just the thought of what lay ahead for me without Roc, but in my heart, I knew the truth.
When I was able to leave the bathroom, I went downstairs and found Roc in his study talking with Mark. The moment I walked into the room, both men stopped their discussion and turned to me.
“Lena, I didn’t expect you up so soon.” Roc got to his feet and kissed my cheek.
Mark was the only one of the team Roc trusted with knowing the truth about our relationship. Mark was a good friend of Roc’s, but even so, we were taking a huge risk by letting anyone in on our secret.
Romantic relationships between CIA members were a big no-no. But that hadn’t stopped us. We’d been attracted right from the start. We’d gotten married within a few months of knowing each other. All very secretive. Now, it felt like all my past sins were coming back to haunt me with the realization that my time with The Agency was limited. I had to get out. Find my own sanctuary someplace far away from this shadow world I’d lived in for so long. But where did that leave Roc and I?
Although most of the team suspected something was going on between us, we all pretty much honored the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy.
Of course, this meant living separate lives for the world around us to see, finding only a few precious moments together where we could be just another married couple. With Roc’s increased work assignments for The Agency, which took him away from me for weeks at a time, those moments were becoming almost nonexistent.
I still kept my apartment on Rosedale, and Roc had the house here in Brightwood Park.
We lived separately.
And I hated the lies, but I’d learned to tolerate our secret life because I loved Roc with all my heart and I didn’t want to live without him. Lately though, since I’d become a Christian, I found myself thinking about things like family and growing old together. Having more than just a few moments in secret as husband and wife. But as Roc was quick to point out, there could never be a normal life for us. We were spies; we’d both chosen this path. Yet that decision I’d made long ago was no longer right for me.
“Did you get anything useful out of the suspect last night, Mark?” I asked and watched the two exchange an unreadable look.
“Nothing useful has turned up yet, Lena,” Mark said without really looking at me. I didn’t believe him. There had been something in the way the man emphasized my last name that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It was almost as if he knew everything about me, including my marriage to Roc.
I had little doubt I would face this man again someday. I’d meet him again, no matter how desperate I was to get out of this game, because like it or not, we had unfinished business together.
Before that moment came, I’d need to make a decision. I had to decide how I was going to stay alive.
Something in Mark’s evasive manner made me wonder what the two of them had been talking about before I came in. There were ways of getting information out of even the most dedicated opponents. The Agency’s own Stevie Rodriguez came from a military background. He’d cut his teeth on this sort of thing in Afghanistan.
“Are you sure? Because he definitely appeared to be someone of interest. I’m thinking possibly someone high up in the ranks of the FLA.”
Another curious exchange between them had me wondering what they weren’t telling me.
“Did you at least learn his identity?” I asked incredulously.
Mark hesitated so long that I wondered if he’d even answer the question. “His name is Doren Alderees, but I’m afraid he’s a dead end.”
“A dead end? Are you sure?” I couldn’t let it go because I believed they weren’t telling me the truth.
“I’m positive. Lena, let it go.” I stared at Mark in shock and wondered why he was being so defensive. After another minute passed, Mark tried to make amends. “If you’re feeling up to it, I’d like to ask you some routine questions about last night, just for the record.”
Mark seemed a little too anxious to shift the conversation away from Doren Alderees. I wasn’t buying his explanation for a minute.
“All right.” Suddenly, I was nervous. I wiped my hands across the knees of my jeans, then regretted it. Roc would spot this gesture in a second and know exactly what it meant. After almost three years of marriage, he could interpret every single one of my signals by heart. I glanced his way and knew he’d seen it, but for the time being he chose not to question me.
“Why were you in that particular part of the city again?” Mark had begun flipping through his notes and glanced up when I didn’t answer right away.
“I’ve already told Roc I didn’t have a particular reason. I was simply doing some shopping and enjoying the nice weather.”
Mark nodded, but Roc knew the truth. I wasn’t a shopper. In fact, I hated it. I did all of my Christmas shopping online last year.
“So when did you first become aware of the man following you? Was it before you reached Wisconsin Avenue?”
“Actually, I’d spotted him once before, but dismissed the incident until last night.”
“Wait, you spotted him before yesterday and didn’t mention it?” Roc demanded.
My gaze ping-ponged between Roc and Mark. “Yes. He didn’t appear to be a threat at the time.” I shrugged. “I guess I w
asn’t really concerned about him.”
With what appeared to be some effort, Roc managed to keep his opinion to himself.
“What have you found out about Doren’s background?” I asked because it was time to turn the tables. My question clearly made Mark uncomfortable. He shot Roc a look. Another beat passed before Roc took the lead.
“Lena, he isn’t FLA.”
They weren’t sharing everything. I could see it in the way neither wanted to make eye contact with me. “You’re kidding, right? Of course he’s FLA.”
“No, he’s not. You’re mistaken on this one. He’s innocent.” Roc’s tone discouraged argument. He was speaking as my commander now. This wasn’t personal any longer.
“I’m not mistaken. I’m certain of it. Let me talk to him.”
“You can’t. We had to release him this morning,” Roc told me.
I shook my head, not bothering to disguise my disbelief.
“We had nothing to hold him on. He’s innocent, Lena,” Roc repeated.
“I don’t believe that for a minute.”
“He claims to have met you at a fundraiser last year.” Roc’s gaze narrowed. Did he actually believe I knew this man and was keeping it from him?
“If I’d met him before last night, I would have remembered him.”
Roc raised an eyebrow at this. “The guy’s story checked out. Right down to the name of the fundraiser. I remembered it. You were definitely there.”
Mark cleared his throat. He’d picked up on the tension between Roc and myself. “He said he recognized you last night and wanted to say hello.”
“That’s preposterous. I’ve been doing this long enough to know when someone is trying to hit on me and when he’s trouble. This guy is definitely trouble.”
“Lena, I’m only telling you what we know,” Mark said with a hint of resentment in his tone.
The caution that entered Roc’s expression warned me to watch what I said next.
While Mark and Roc were good friends, they disagreed on many things. One was in allowing women to be a part of The Agency in the first place. As an elite division within the CIA, Mark didn’t like the idea of having women part of the team. You see, Mark was very old-fashioned. He still saw a woman’s role in the CIA as strictly administrative. He’d accepted Becca, the only other female member of our group, because she was Ed’s daughter and he didn’t really have a choice in the matter, but when I’d come on board, Mark took one look at me and figured dumb blonde. It took me almost all three years with The Agency just to win the small amount of respect I’d managed to gain from him.
Roc had told me he and Mark argued over our relationship a great deal in the beginning. Mark didn’t believe in mixing business with pleasure. He was probably right.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s just that, well, this whole thing has me spooked.”
“I can only imagine.” With this typical Mark comment, he dismissed my fears and me entirely.
“What about his accent?” I insisted, not able to let it go. “Doren had a very distinct Middle Eastern accent.”
Mark started to answer, but Roc held up a hand to silence him. “Lena, he’s clear. Let it go. He lived in Riyadh for a while, which explains the accent. His stepfather was with the diplomatic service there.”
“He’s not Saudi.” I wasn’t sure why I was so determined to argue with Roc, but I suspected it had nothing to do with Doren Alderees.
“His mother is American. We checked him out very thoroughly. He’s clean. He’s not FLA. He’s not even a terrorist. He’s just someone who ran into you once before.”
Mark took a breath and added, “Unless he continues stalking you, he hasn’t committed a crime yet.”
I turned to my husband, hoping for once, he’d back me over Mark. “You can’t agree with him?”
“I’m sorry, Lena, but I do. I’ll admit it’s odd, but this man is clean. There’s nothing we can hold him on. Think about what you’re suggesting for a second. The one thing we’ve always been certain of is that the FLA would never consider letting an outsider become part of their inner circle.” Roc’s argument would have been more convincing if he’d been able to make eye contact with me.
This was the one chink I’d found in his armor through the years. Whenever Roc couldn’t look me in the eye, he wasn’t being completely truthful.
Before I could form my next question. Stevie walked in. He glanced around at each of us and obviously picked up on the tension sparking around the room. “What’s up?” he asked cautiously.
We were saved the need of answering when Roc’s cell phone rang. He left the room to take the call. More secrets.
“Stevie, have you picked up any unusual activity happening recently regarding this man?” I asked because the whole thing with this Doren person didn’t add up in my mind.
Stevie shook his head. “No, nothing, Lena. He’s new to me.”
When Roc came back, the expression in his eyes grim. “Mark, Stevie, we need to leave.” If felt as if I were being kept in the dark and I didn’t understand it.
“Wait, what about me? I can help with this investigation, Roc.”
“Lena, you’re too close to this. I need you to stand down and let us handle it,” Roc told me.
“You don’t trust me to do my job.” It hurt to think I was being shut out.
“Of course I trust you, but we have procedure to follow. I’m sorry. You can’t be involved in this.”
“Roc…”
“Lena, will you just listen to me for once? I’m not your enemy,” he added quietly.
“I know that.” It was hard to speak without showing him how close to tears I was. I didn’t understand what was happening to us. The anger in his voice was hard to take. Roc ran a frustrated hand through his dark, collar-length hair before turning to Mark and Stevie.
“Can you give us a second?” he asked quietly. Mark nodded, then he and Stevie left the room without another word.
Roc waited as the front door closed. Still, it was a long time before he finally turned to me.
When he looked at me again so much raw emotion filled his eyes. My only thought was to comfort him.
I rushed to his side, fear contracting my heart. “What is it?” I asked, touching his face softly.
“I wish I could make you understand how much I don’t want to lose you, Lena.”
Shocked by his confession, I said, “I do understand. I’m sorry I worried you last night.”
He shook his head and ran a finger across my cheek. “That’s not what I meant. I’m talking about losing you. Letting you go.”
I closed my eyes and wished I could deny his fears, but Roc knew how desperate I was to get out. And we both knew what that meant. I feared someday I would be forced to choose between my husband and my future and it was a heartbreaking thought. I knew Roc would never leave The Agency. After all, he’d founded it. Yet until this moment I never fully appreciated how difficult my decision to leave The Agency would be on Roc. Because of the type of work we did, my life would be in danger if he were still part of The Agency. Our enemies were many. They could use me to get to him.
Of course, I’d known the risks going in just as I knew them now. So why did I think I could simply walk away from it all? Because I was sick to death of the work we did and I no longer believed the same way. I wanted to do something good to make up for all the bad things I’d had to do.
I loved Roc. I didn’t want to live without him in my life; I wanted to grow old with him.
Unfortunately, the chances of us ever living out my fantasy were next to none for dozens or more reasons. One of which was that we never knew if our next assignment might turn out to be our last. The likelihood of either of us living to a ripe old age was slim.
So I accepted our life together for the moments we could find alone and I was content. Or so I thought. Until recently.
“I’m sorry.” This wasn’t the answer he needed to hear from me.
“I know.” He
touched my face, then brushed a curl away from my eyes. “Will you be here when I get back?” I hated that every time we parted, Roc believed this might be our last time together. He believed one day I’d disappear into the shadowy world in which we worked and he might never see me again.
“No. But I will be at my apartment.” I smiled at the heartbreaking relief flooding his face. “I’m not going anywhere today, Roc.”
He leaned in close and kissed my lips, holding my gaze as if searching for some reassurances. I couldn’t give them to him. After a moment, he shook his head and without another word, left me alone.
~
The first thing I did when I returned to my apartment was replay the message on my answering machine.
“Lena, it’s Justin…I need to see you tonight. Please, Lena. It’s important.” Even after last night’s disaster, those simple words had the power to fill me with hope. Yet as much as I needed to believe Justin might still be alive, I couldn’t allow myself to trust a voice on the phone.
When the first call came, I thought it was just a prank. After all, I’d only been a child when Justin, then seventeen, disappeared. I had no idea what he might sound like today or even if he were still alive. But when the calls from my brother had continued, I began to fear the worst—that someone from the FLA had somehow discovered my connection to The Agency and this was just a ploy to draw me out of my comfort zone. If captured by the FLA, I’d be subjected to horrific means of torture to try and gain information.
Then one day I’d caught a glimpse of someone watching my apartment. Someone who bore a striking resemblance to my brother and I wondered if maybe it were possible Justin might still be alive.
Within a matter of days, we’d received our first clear pictures in years of the terrorist known as Jeremiah Silvers—the CIA’s number one suspect in numerous terrorist attacks in the U.S. The man in those pictures could be the same person I’d spotted outside my apartment building.