“Yes?” I called out guiltily.
“I’m hungry! What are you doing?”
I couldn’t help laughing. “Go play your game. We’ll be right there.”
“Hurry!”
Zane and I both laughed together quietly, and I loved the way his eyes still sparkled when he looked at me. It reminded me of the way he used to stare at me.
“Guess that’s my cue to pull out, huh?” he asked, and he actually seemed disappointed.
“Guess so.”
He didn’t pull out; he kept moving, instead.
“Are you gonna stop?” I smiled as I watched him.
“Eventually,” he replied, bending to kiss my lips. “You just feel so damn good I can’t quite bring myself to do it yet.”
Staring at the place where are bodies were joined together, I watched for a few moments, mesmerized. “You’re getting harder again.” Pointing out the obvious was a strong suit of mine.
“What can I say? You do it for me. I’ve practically been in a state of permanent erection since I found you again. I have years worth of missed sex with you to make up for.”
“Are you planning on doing it all in two days?” I asked, teasingly.
“No.” He grinned, still riding me. “I’m pretty sure I’ll never catch up, but I’m sure as hell going to have fun trying.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure I’ll have fun watching you try. If you don’t kill me with sex first.”
He laughed. “I think death by sex would be a great way to go, don’t you?”
I shook my head. “No. I prefer to keep living and having it.”
“Hey, I’m good with that, too. Your way is much better.”
Capturing my mouth with his, he continued his delicious torture of my body until we both shattered again. I was pretty sure I was going to be throbbing from his pounding all through dinner, but that was perfectly fine with me. In all truthfulness, as we cleaned up and redressed, all I could think about was how he would pleasure me again when we went to bed.
I was so looking forward to it!
“Breaking News: Z McCartney Dating High School Sweetheart!”
~Hollywood Grapevine~
Chapter Eighteen
Z
“Okay, you two! It’s bedtime. No more video games!”
“But Mom!” Dustin wailed. “It’s the weekend. Can’t we play just a little longer?”
“It’s already after ten o’clock. I don’t want your sleep schedule messed up for school, otherwise you get all grouchy in the morning.” Hands on her hips, Aubrey’s eyes flickered between the two of us.
“Mind your, Mom, kiddo,” I added, patting him on the back. “And maybe tomorrow we can all go do something fun together as a family.”
“Really? Like what?” The kid was all excitement. I liked it.
Chuckling, I shook my head. “I have no idea. You go to bed and your mom and I will discuss it and see if we can’t come up with a plan.”
“Okay!” Dropping his controller, he bounded over to give his mom a hug. “Love you, Mom. Goodnight.”
“Don’t forget to give your dad a hug, too.”
“Aw, he doesn’t have to. Whenever he’s read—” I stopped speaking when Dustin threw his arms around me, totally caught up in the sensation. My son—my son—was giving me a hug. Tears filled my eyes as I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed back. “Thank you,” I added, my voice choked with emotion. I was sure it wasn’t the right thing to say to a nine year old kid, especially since he had no idea how much this meant to me, but I was robbed of words. There was nothing else I could do but feel the bit of heaven in my arms.
He released me quickly and bounded down the hall toward his room.
“Don’t forget to go to the bathroom and wash up before bed,” Aubrey called after him.
“I know!” he replied.
My eyes drifted from the hall and back to Aubrey. “Was it like this for you? Did you love him instantly?”
Smiling, she came and sat beside me on the couch, and I put the game controller on the coffee table. “Yes, I loved him instantly. In fact, I loved him before he was born. He was all I had at the time. I’d come home exhausted after work and fall into bed. Sometimes I would cry, other times I just stared at the ceiling, feeling too tired to blink, but I never felt alone. Whenever I was sad, Dustin would move around inside my belly, and it was like he was saying, “I’m here for you, Mom.” It made me feel so much better. I would lie there and rub my hands over my belly and talk to him, telling him about my day. I’m sure it all sounds crazy to you, but it helped me.”
“It doesn’t sound crazy at all,” I replied, truthfully. “I think it’s beautiful that you bonded with him like that. I just wish I would’ve been there with you.” Guilt ate at me heavily. I hated that she suffered through all this because of my indiscretions. I’d never forgive myself for my past treatment of her—of me—of us. I’d screwed up everything royally, and had missed ten years with the only person I’d every really loved.
“I wish you could have, too.” There was pain and regret in her eyes now. I didn’t like seeing those there. “Would you like to hear about his birth?”
“Honestly, I want to hear about it all. I want to know everything you’ve done since then.” I wanted to know her past and what life had been like for her, even if it was painful.
“I’d like to hear the same about yours. I know I’ve surprised you with a lot recently, but we have so many things we need to discuss together. What about the future? How are we going to do this? I don’t want Dustin suffering because of our mistakes. I want this transition to be as easy as possible on him.”
“I agree.”
“Also, since you’re in rehab, I think we need to let him know. He needs to understand that there are things you need to stay away from and be mindful over. I don’t want him inadvertently placing you in an awkward situation where you might be tempted to use.”
“Aubrey, with the exception of reaching for a beer when you first told me, I’ve honestly not even considered using.” I gave a wry laugh. “All of this has actually been good for me, I think. It’s made me focus on something else entirely—not how bad I need or want a fix. Of course, that may be because I found a new drug that is occupying my mind every waking minute, and several dream minutes, as well. I’ve kind of been consumed with you.”
It wasn’t an exaggeration. I could hardly focus; my mind was so wrapped up in being with her, and inside her, and doing things to make her moan, scream, and call out my name. Shit, I was getting hard again already just thinking about it. I swear it was like I was constantly erect. I couldn’t get my damn cock to stay down when I was around her. Not that I wasn’t enjoying all that.
“That’s what worries me. You joke about it, but it’s very natural for an addict to trade one addiction for another. I don’t want to become your new addiction. You need help unlearning that kind of behavior, and therapy will help you with that. This is part of the reason why they encourage you not to start new relationships. This is a time when you should be focusing solely on you and recovering.”
I disagreed. “Baby, I don’t think that’s the case at all. If anything, you were my first addiction. When I lost you I found the second addiction in my desperate attempt to quiet the guilt and pain inside me. Now that you’re here, all the reasons I was using don’t matter anymore.” That wasn’t entirely correct, but I was trying to make a point. I wanted to show her how she made me feel. “You’re back. You’re in my life. You’ve given me an amazing son. I feel more complete than I ever have.”
Raising her hand, she silenced me, shaking her head. “Wait a minute, now. The only reason you had guilt and pain in the first place is because you were too wasted to realize you were sleeping with the wrong person. This kind of partying was happening before you cheated on me.”
“True, but even part of that was driven by the fact that I missed you. The rest was just falling into this new life and job and trying to fit in by doing
what everyone else was doing. It was more than I could handle, but I didn’t notice until it was too late.”
“That surprises me. You never were a follower—not once in the whole time I’ve known you. You’ve always made your own choices and if you didn’t want to do something, no one could coerce you into it.”
“Yes, but that was in Montana. It’s different there than it is here. I was in a new place, doing new things that I knew nothing about. I felt completely lost and even a little star struck at the same time. I’d never done anything like that before. It’s hard when you’re trying to impress people in charge of your career all the time. It’s like I had to be on twenty-four seven, ready to wow the next person they put me in front of.
“Even shooting was crazy. You piss off one big photographer and they can literally destroy your career. You have to be perfect all the time.”
“You already were perfect. Why’d you feel the need to change yourself for anyone?”
I wished I knew how to make her understand what it had been like. But I wasn’t sure she could grasp it without having lived it. “The people out here are different. Everyone wants to hitch their wagon to a star. No one thinks twice about stabbing someone else in the back to get it. It’s very dog eat dog around here. I’m not going to lie—it was a bit intimidating for a country farm boy like me, who was trying to fit in. I knew absolutely no one except people from work, so I simply tried to blend in with them the best I could.”
“That’s not an excuse. You have to admit your responsibility.”
Frustration washed through me. “Believe me, I’m not trying to give you excuses. I’m simply trying to show you my reasoning behind it.”
She nodded, glancing to where a picture of Dustin rested on a bookshelf. “I just need to know without a doubt that our son is safe with you. I mean, I hate even saying that, but we do need to be alert and aware of things and start making some conscious decisions together.”
“I’m good with that.” A feeling of relief washed through me. “What kind of decisions are you wanting to make?”
She gave a wry laugh. “Well, look at us, for instance. I wasn’t planning on picking things back up with you, yet here we are. We’ve been back together for what . . . a day? Where is this relationship headed? Is it just sex? Is it commitment? One minute I was begging to talk to you about things, and in the very next breath we were going at it like rabbits and haven’t stopped since. Nothing has been resolved between the two of us except that we know the sex is still really good. I don’t think that’s enough to build a long term relationship on.”
She was completely correct. “What do you want from me, Aubrey? You tell me what you’re thinking and then I’ll tell you what I want.” My heart was racing, even though I was trying to remain calm and cool. What I wanted was to have her in my life. I wanted to please her in every way possible. I’d do anything she asked, as long as she could forgive me and wanted me to stay with her.
She sighed heavily. “I want to do things right this time. I want to take things slow and get reacquainted. I want us both to know everything about each other from the last ten years. I fell in love with a country farm boy I’d known my whole life. You aren’t that guy anymore, Zane. You’re some big shot movie star—Z McCartney—to everyone else. But me, I don’t care about all that. I’m still in love with my country farm boy. While I don’t begrudge your success here at all, you’re not him. I don’t know you anymore, and you don’t know me either. The girl who thought life was going to be all roses and sunshine is gone. I’m here now—the girl who had to fight and struggle for every single thing she has. I can be a bitch if needed, and really hard headed in a fight. You don’t know that side of me. The girl you know thought her country farm boy was going to ride up on a white horse and carry her off into the sunset.”
Everything she was saying was true, but it didn’t mean I liked hearing it. “I’d love nothing more than to make life roses and sunshine for you, if you’ll let me. My greatest desire is to make you—both of you—happy.”
She placed her hand on my arm. “Don’t you see? We already are happy. I love my life here with my parents and my little boy. It may not have started out ideally, but we made it work. I don’t need you to rescue me anymore.” She paused for a moment and then gave a short laugh. “It’s really funny because I didn’t realize that until just now. We really are okay.”
“I think you’ve done an amazing job.” It was the truth, but I had to admit, I hated that she didn’t really need me. I wanted her to need me. I wanted her to want me—more than anything I’d ever wanted in my life. “So where do we go from here?”
I was giving her the reins on this one. No matter how badly I’d like to rush headlong into things, I wouldn’t risk scaring her away. We’d play the game using her rules. Hell, I’d lived in misery without her for ten years. I could wait longer if that was what she needed.
“Well, I was thinking you could maybe spend some evenings here, if you want. Or we can come to your place on some weekends. I want Dustin to get to know you, but I want it to be as painless on him as possible, too. This is going to be a big adjustment for all of us.”
“I totally get that.” What was bugging me at the moment was the fact that she didn’t seem to want to live together. Hell, I was ready to pick up right where we’d left off.
“I also think that for the time being, you should allow me to do all of the disciplining with Dustin. I think it might be difficult to suddenly throw a new boss into the mix. It’s not that I’m trying to undermine your authority, but rather give you the chance to get used to the way we do things and then gradually integrate you into that. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, I understand.”
“Is something wrong?” she asked, placing a hand on my knee and without even thinking about it, I covered it with my own. “You seem kind of . . . lost.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine. I just thought, or hoped rather, that we might all get to live together like a family.”
“Really?” she seemed surprised. That wasn’t good.
“It never occurred to you?”
“Of course it did. I just thought it would be something that happened way down the road, after we were all better acquainted.”
“I want to be with you both, Aubrey. We’ve wasted so much time already.” I couldn’t hide my disappointment, even though it was unwarranted. I knew she had every right to want to go slow.
Smiling, she turned her hand over and slipped her fingers between mine and leaned her head against my shoulder. “I know. I was honestly thinking about Dustin. This is his home. I’ve never brought another man here. He’s never seen me date anyone or be in love. The few times I went out with other men, he was still a baby. He doesn’t remember any of that. I don’t want him to feel like he’s been uprooted from his home and displaced by a new member in his family—even if he is excited to meet his dad. And with you in therapy right now and getting ready to go back to work part time, I just figured it was better for everyone if we went slow. You know, let us all get used to the idea.”
Everything she was saying made complete sense, yet I still felt brokenhearted. Aubrey and Dustin were mine. They belonged to me. I wanted them with me all the time.
Then again, maybe I was looking at this all wrong. Maybe Aubrey wasn’t mine anymore. Maybe I needed to win her back and really show her the kind of father and companion I could be. I already knew I wanted to marry her—that was a given. Just the short time I’d been with her had reconfirmed those feelings for me. I still felt the same way about her that I always had. I wanted her. No, I needed her in my life. I needed them both. They were like fresh air in my crazy world—a life raft for a drowning man.
“I can do that,” I found myself saying, even though I didn’t want to. I was tired of fighting and struggling to find happiness. I simply wanted to be with the two people who made me feel absolute euphoria for the first time in years. Everything was going to be all right though. I was goin
g to court Aubrey like she’d never been courted. I was going to make her see that she couldn’t live without me either. I was going to be the best dad in the world, and be there for Dustin in ways my father was never there for me. He would never miss his dad in his life again—not while I had anything to say about it. I wanted him to know he was actually loved, and not just someone only around when needed or because I was too drunk to help myself. I wanted him to be proud that I was his dad, not embarrassed like I’d been on so many occasions with mine.
Laying my head against hers, I stared at our clasped hands, softly rubbing my thumb against the back of hers.
“Are you okay?” she asked and I nodded.
“Yeah, just thinking about how much I love you and how lucky I am.”
“I’m the lucky one,” she replied, glancing up at me. “I have the two greatest guys on the planet in my life.”
I nodded, agreeing. “Your dad and Dustin are awesome,” I teased her.
She snorted, laughing. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I know. But I like hearing your laugh. It makes me happy.”
“I’m glad.” She continued to stare at me and the smile slid off her face. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.” I didn’t want her to feel any reservations around me.
“This won’t be an easy request, I’m sure, but will you tell me about everything?”
“Everything?” My breath caught, not sure if I understood her correctly.
She nodded. “I want to know about all the women, the parties, the drugs, making movies—everything. I don’t want to be blindsided by something down the road. I need to know what’s happened in the time we’ve been apart.”
Shit. She wanted to know everything. This was going to take a long time. Nervousness gripped me. I wanted to be totally honest with her, but it would be so hard. I never spoke about some things because hell, I could hardly stand to even think about them.
“I can tell you everything I can remember. How’s that? There are times that I blacked out, and don’t mean passed out. I was still conscious, but I don’t remember what happened. I can remember things prior and afterward, but I don’t always remember things I did during, except for the occasional flashbacks, and I never know if those are real, or something my mind made up.”
Mr. Hollywood (Celebrity #1) Page 16