“Drunk?” Zane supplied in a choked sounding voice.
“I was going to say depressed. He seemed so down all the time, as if he didn’t even want to be alive. On many occasions I even wondered if he might take his own life.”
“I used to think the same. It’s sad really. We lived together all those years and we barely even interacted. I’d bring him the dinners your mom sent home with me and every once in a while he’d say thanks, or mention what a kind woman Daphne was. The rest of our conversations boiled down to him asking me to bring him a beer and wondering if I’d paid the bills for the month.”
“I don’t know how you survived so long in that kind of environment.”
“I do,” he replied, staring at me with a grateful expression. “I had another family who actually cared enough to take care of me and offer support.”
“Your dad cared. He stayed with you, didn’t he? He might not have been the best dad, but when it came down to it, he stayed with you.”
“Physically. But your family was my real family—and you still are as far as I’m concerned.”
“You’re just like him, you know? You sweep things under the rug and ignore them instead of properly dealing with them.” I hoped my words weren’t too harsh.
He nodded, though, not seeming upset at all. “It’s crazy, isn’t it? I spent my whole childhood trying to get away from him and that depressing place, only to turn into him once I got away. Dr. Wilson also thinks my dad’s revelation to my mom may be part of the reason I reacted so violently to waking up in bed with Andy. He thinks I tapped into something in my sub consciousness, something that relates being gay to my mom’s suicide.”
Nodding, I considered his words. “That makes sense to me. I can’t even imagine.”
“There’s more.”
“What?” Nerves shot through me.
“Dr. Wilson tracked Andy down and invited him to today’s therapy session. Andy agreed to come. If you don’t feel comfortable staying, I understand, but I’d really love your support through all this, if you’re willing.”
Blindsided, I wasn’t sure what to say. I’d never imagined this happening, nor had I considered the possibility of being in the same room with the man he’d attacked. All of this was still so new to me it was hard to process.
“Don’t worry about it,” he added hastily. “I should’ve had Dr. Wilson call you and tell you what was really going on.”
“No. I want to be there.” I smiled at him, wanting to smooth things. “Honestly, I do. You just caught me off guard. I thought it was going to be just the two of us.”
“Initially it was, but then it changed. I’m sorry, it was inconsiderate of me to not give you proper time to prepare.”
“Quit worrying about me. How do you feel about all this?” To hell with how this made me feel. He was the important one, and I’d do whatever was needed to help him find his peace and hold onto it, even if it made me uncomfortable.
Grinning, he slipped his arm around me. “I’m fine, especially now that you’re staying. But if you want to find a way to distract me for the next,” he glanced at his watch, “fifty minutes, I’d let ya. I’ve missed you, baby. So much.”
Shaking my head, I laughed. “You’re terrible, you know that? Trying to seduce me at my place of employment—it’s disgraceful.”
He chuckled, not sounding the least bit repentant. “Is it working?”
“No.” I bit my bottom lip, attempting to hide my smile.
“Damn. Guess I’ll need to try harder.” Leaning in closer, his eyes flickered between my mouth and my eyes.
I didn’t budge. “There’s no way in hell I’d have sex with you here. Anyone could walk in on us.”
Grinning wider, he nudged the tip of my nose with his. “That’s half the fun, didn’t you know?”
“Maybe it’s fun for you. I’d spend the whole time petrified. There’s no way I’d be able to relax. I would constantly be glancing at the door.”
His lips were so close they almost brushed mine as he spoke. “No you wouldn’t. You’d spend the whole time screaming your enjoyment and everyone in this place would know exactly what we’re doing.”
“Exactly. Now you see.” I just wanted him to kiss me already, but I refused to lean in the rest of the way to close the deal. If he wanted me that badly, he was going to have to come get me.
“Nah, let them hear you getting your world rocked. I don’t mind.” His hand dropped lower and pinched my butt. “I don’t mind everyone walking around knowing that I keep you completely satisfied.”
I laughed, breaking the mood he’d created, but he cracked me up. “Tell you what. You get us through this session of yours in one piece and once we leave I’ll let you take me wherever you want. Then you can do whatever your heart desires.”
“Deal!” he said, extending his hand toward me and I shook it.
“Deal,” I replied, smiling. I was really looking forward to spending some time alone with him and hearing about everything that had happened over the last ten days. After an extreme amount of sex, that was.
It was funny. I’d gone ten years without it. Now ten days seemed like the worst kind of torture. I’d barely been with him and already I craved him.
We had so much to catch up on.
“Rumors Still Swirling about Z McCartney and Possible Stay In Rehab: Is He an Addict?”
~Globe Movie News~
Chapter Twenty-Four
Z
Dr. Wilson greeted us at the door to his office. “Hello, you two. It’s nice to see you both. Come on in.” Holding the door open wider, the doctor stepped aside and I guided Aubrey in, my hand never leaving the small of her back. Goose bumps flared across her skin as I continued to draw circles with my thumb against her spine. I loved that I could make her react to my touch in that manner.
“Aubrey,” Dr. Wilson continued on. “I really hate to spring this on you, especially after you made the effort to come to the session, but I spoke with Andy, who is joining us this morning. He’d actually feel more comfortable if it were just Zane and myself in the session together. Would you mind sitting this one out? If you’d like your own session together still, I can see if we can squeeze in something later today, or we can just do something on a different day altogether.”
“I didn’t really have anything I needed to add,” she replied. “Mainly, I was just coming to support Zane and listen to anything he might need to tell me.”
“We can do that later ourselves, in private,” I added, my hand drifting lower and patting her ass. “I don’t think we need any kind of mediator. I feel safe with Aubrey—hopefully she feels the same with me.” I pinched her, struggling not to laugh when she tried not to flinch.
She cast an “attempted” hard glare in my direction, but I could still see the humor twinkling in her eyes. “Are you going to be all right?” Concern was evident in her voice.
“Sure, especially knowing you’re waiting for me. I really am sorry about all this. I wouldn’t have dragged you down here had I known.”
“You didn’t drag me anywhere. I’m happy to be here. And if you’d left without me coming to get you, I’d have been upset. I want to be involved in your care and help however I can.”
Her words made me love her even more. Even after everything I’d thrown at her, the fact that she’d managed to forgive me repeatedly told me exactly what kind of person she was. I just hoped I’d grow to be the man she really deserved, because she deserved everything that was good in the world. I wanted to be the one to give it to her—in more ways than one.
Damn. I couldn’t seem to keep my thoughts away from sex very long when she was around. As soon as I had a good break in my schedule, I wanted to whisk her away to some luxurious secluded place and spend days—weeks even—worshipping her body in every single possible way I could come up with.
I had no problem giving up the multitude of women in my past for Aubrey. No one had ever compared to her. But I did like sex and needed a lot of i
t. I was looking forward to having all those sexual needs fulfilled by her, over and over again.
Damn it, my dick was already rising to the occasion. I needed to think about something else. “Do you want to go wait in my room?” I asked. “You said things were crazy at home. Maybe you could take a nap here where it’s quiet, until I’m able to leave.” The idea of her lying on my bed wasn’t helping the growing condition in my pants.
“Actually, that sounds really wonderful. It’s been an exhausting time and very emotional too, with everything going on.”
“Perfect,” Dr. Wilson exclaimed. “We’ll let you know as soon as we are finished.”
“It’s no problem, really.”
Dr. Wilson ushered Audrey back through the door and she paused, glancing back at me. “Good luck, Zane. You’ve got this.”
“Thank you,” I replied with a smile and she disappeared around the corner. I was sad to see her go, even though she wouldn’t be far away. I had no idea what the next hour might hold for me, but anything I had to go through would’ve definitely been easier on me with her at my side. She was good for me. She soothed and relaxed me—I glanced down briefly at my tenting pants—well, most of me anyway. Some parts of me were constantly at full attention when she was around.
Quickly moving to the couch, I sat in my traditional place and dropped my hands to cover the giant tower my cock was apparently erecting to Aubrey. Blowing out a breath, I searched for something else to capture my attention.
“Feeling nervous?” Dr. Wilson asked, totally misreading my sigh, but I ran with it anyway. It was the distraction I needed.
“Actually, yes. I’ve not seen this man since that day. If I were in his shoes, I wonder if I would’ve agreed to meet me. Personally, I think that says a whole lot about the strength of his character, and nothing very good about mine.”
Dr. Wilson shook his head. “I disagree. Don’t pressure yourself, Zane. Just because you reacted badly to something doesn’t mean you didn’t react honestly. While I’m definitely not advocating assault, some people who have suffered trauma—even emotional trauma, like you’ve had—respond to situations differently than others might.
“Think of it this way. We’re all hard wired by our previous experiences. Everything we go through shapes us into who we are right now, in this minute. And this minute here will define us in future minutes to come. True, you reacted to this in a violent manner that caused a lot of harm, but that’s because you were conditioned to react that way by your subconscious, which is constantly trying to protect you from perceived threats.
“This is why we, as therapists, try to guide people away from such terms as right or wrong, or good and bad. Those terms are all subjective to the user. There is no absolute—only what we perceive to be absolute. In a perfect world, everyone would be left to decide for themselves what they consider to be right or wrong, or good and bad, without outside influences. It’s not a perfect world though, and every time we come in contact with someone we immediately begin sharing information—whether it be through our style of clothing, or how we look, how we act, etcetera. During that information exchange, we begin to form an initial impression of where we think the person we’re observing fits into society.
“My assumption of you could be completely and totally inaccurate, but in that moment of time I’m drawing conclusions based on what I know about you.
“When you woke up that fateful morning, you used the information you had available to make your assumption.”
“Yeah, the wrong assumption,” I grumbled.
“Was it wrong? Should you have taken more time to gather facts? Probably, but you were in a fight or flight mode—that crucial second where you decide to act or run. You acted . . . which also says a lot about your character. It doesn’t tell me you’re awful. It tells me you were ready to fight for what you believed was right. There is no dishonor in trying to protect yourself from what you perceived as a threat.”
His words made sense, and I stayed silent, listening and attempting to absorb what he was trying to tell me.
“What I might consider bad behavior, you might think is fine—or vice versa. When we try to purposely label everything we only make life more difficult for ourselves. I think it would be better to focus on how something makes you feel as an individual.
“Do your actions bring you peace, joy, or happiness? Or does it make you feel guilty, depressed, and cause you to lose your own self worth? Our body, mind, and spirit are constantly telling us which way to go. Everything about each of us is individual and unique. We all have different ideas about what is best and how to do things. Do what’s right for you—not just what’ll bring you a few moments of gratification—do the things that will shape you into the person you want to be in the next minutes of your life. Everything you’re thinking right now is shaping your life and the outcome.”
There were a few short moments of silence—profound silence, I’d even say—as his words sunk into my heart and mind. I understood everything he was telling me, and was amazed I’d never seen things in this light before. The whole time I’d been wallowing in my depression, I’d simply been bringing more of the same into my life.
Thoughts were powerful, and they could and did shape the lives of every single living being on this planet. And if it all boiled down to thoughts, then I needed to change mine for the better and quit focusing on everything that had gone wrong in my past and start focusing on what could go right in my present and future.
Suddenly, I felt as if a whole new world had opened up for me to explore and I couldn’t wait to get started as excitement flooded through me. Anything was possible—everything was possible—it simply had to start with how I viewed things. It was as if someone had flipped a light switch of understanding on in my head.
A clapping sound filled the air and both of us turned to the open doorway. My pulse rate spiked when I realized it was Andy Scott. I hadn’t seen him since that day and I wasn’t sure what the tone of this meeting would be.
“Sorry,” he said, leaning casually against the doorjamb. “I was eavesdropping just out of sight.” He glanced at Dr. Wilson and waved his finger over him. “I have to say, I like what I’m hearing. You are a very wise man.”
Dr. Wilson smiled warmly. “I’m glad to know my many years of schooling are paying off somehow.” He extended his hand. “It’s nice to see you, Mr. Scott. Both Zane and I are pleased that you were willing to join us.”
Rising, I nodded, but didn’t move forward to greet him. I didn’t want to make any sudden movements that might make him nervous or could be perceived as a threat. “Yes, thanks for coming to meet with me.”
Staring, he didn’t move any closer. “I see you’re still as handsome as ever. You must’ve stayed away from the heroin. Good for you. That shit will mess you up.”
“Honestly, I’ve dabbled with it on several occasions. I just happened to be lucky enough to not take to it as badly as others have.”
“I know what you mean there,” he said, walking closer and pointing to the doctor’s usual chair. “May I sit here?”
Dr. Wilson closed the door and hurried over. “Please, sit wherever you’ll feel comfortable.”
Andy sat, placing his hands on his knees. Despite his golden good looks and muscular form, he reminded me of a queen getting ready to hold court or something. I had to bite my cheek not to smile. He actually seemed kind of funny—like someone I might like under normal circumstances.
The realization hit me hard. I probably had liked him. Maybe that was what led to the two of us hooking up.
Hooking up.
Nausea rolled through me at the thought and memories of how enraged I felt suddenly cascaded over me. It was strange. I was the one who’d beaten him, yet I felt like I was the one facing my attacker. What the hell was wrong with me?
Sweat began beading on my upper lip and I fought to suppress the urge to scream out loud.
“I know this is your session,” Andy spoke again. “But I
’ve done a lot of soul searching about what happened between the two of us over the past several years. I know this doesn’t make up for anything, but I wanted to apologize to you. What I did to you that night was wrong, and I’ve regretted my actions ever since. I knew you were straight. And you were definitely plastered, but then again, so was I. Looking back, I see so many signs that I misconstrued from you. I even thought you’d called for me, but it was that girl you were calling for. You were so out of it I didn’t realize until much later. By then things were too far gone. If I’d have been in the place you were in when you woke up, I would’ve reacted badly, too.”
“You’re apologizing to me?” I asked incredulously. “I beat the shit out of you. If anyone should be apologizing here, it’s me.”
“You wouldn’t have had the opportunity to beat the shit out of me if I hadn’t taken advantage of you while you were vulnerable. Fact of the matter is we’re both to blame for this incident. That’s why I didn’t press charges.”
“But I broke your nose!”
“And my eye socket, and my cheekbone, but who’s keeping track?” Smiling, he leaned forward a bit and pointed to the bridge of his nose. “See this bump right here? That’s where it was busted. I think it gives it character, plus guys love the story when I tell it. It makes me look macho.” He waved his hand and laughed. “Anything that makes me sound macho is good.”
“What do you tell them?” I asked, slightly horrified.
“I never say your name, so don’t worry about that,” he rushed to reassure me. “I just laugh and say it was broken after I accidentally took a straight guy for a tumble and he wasn’t too happy when he woke up.”
“And they think that’s cool?” I was shocked.
“They do after the way I tell it and we all laugh together. You’ve been a great hook for me.” The smile on his face slowly faded away and he stared at me for several long moments. “All kidding aside, I’ve never felt good about how I left things with you. I came here to tell you, and the good doctor, that you don’t need me here. Dragging all this out and hashing it over and over isn’t going to change what happened. What’s done is done. We just need to find a way to make peace with our situation and move on to greener pastures. I don’t hate you, Mr. McCartney. I hope that someday you won’t hate me either.”
Mr. Hollywood (Celebrity #1) Page 21