by Devon, Eva
How was she going to endure this whole life of it?
Well, it could have been worse.
She could have been married off to an old crony, so she really shouldn’t complain. Still, her mind would wander back every evening to that brief time with Heath, when she’d felt alive and free. Oh, she didn’t feel as trapped as she did before, but she had to admit that freedom still danced about her like a tempting devil, and she wanted to run after it.
“Lady Mary, you do look as if you’ve been sucking on a lemon.”
She jolted and turned towards the Duke of Drake. The infamous man was someone everyone admired. He knew how to give a cut better than anyone, and she quite liked him, for he did not try to pander to her or make her feel as if she was a silly miss.
“Do I, indeed? The lemonade must be particularly tart this evening,” she replied with forced ease.
“Perhaps you should try the wine,” Drake drawled. “Young ladies aren’t really supposed to, though.”
Drake paused. “Your brother looks most happy in the arms of Lady Harriet.”
“Doesn’t he?” she agreed, a true smile tilting her lips.
“Do you think there shall be a wedding in a few weeks’ time?” Drake asked.
“I do hope so,” Lady Mary returned.
“And that would be a boon for you, would it not?” Drake observed.
She swung her gaze to his perfect face. Shocked. “I beg your pardon?”
Drake glanced at her, askance. “Well, then you wouldn’t have to trounce about all these gatherings, looking for a husband of your own out of necessity. You could understand you didn’t have to worry about the certain necessities of finance.”
It was so odd for the ton to speak of money that she was almost certain she’d misheard him.
“Don’t dare deny it,” Drake said, arching a brow.
“Oh, I shan’t,” she assured, feeling suddenly tired. “At least, not to you.”
He gave a saucy grin. “Oh, I’m someone you can be honest with, am I?”
“Mostly honest,” she granted. She drew in a long breath as she surveyed the room. “Everyone is staring,” she pointed out. “Me, standing here, speaking with you.”
“It’s because I’m a duke,” he proclaimed, accustomed to being stared at.
“Of course, it is, but my brother is a duke.”
“Yes, but they think you might marry me,” Drake teased.
“Never!” she protested, fighting a laugh. Drake was not the marrying sort. He’d made that clear to her family over the years. And care for him as she did, she couldn’t imagine being wed to his quipping, icy person.
“True,” he agreed. “You and I would suit terribly.”
And it was true. Drake was sardonic. He had a wounded soul. She could tell that from the dark shadows in his eyes, which he tried to hide. She knew him better than most. He’d been coming to their family for years. Invited by Rob, he’d spent several Christmases with them, and she liked him quite well. He was a friend to her brother in a time when her brother needed friends.
“Do you think Rob shall be able to climb out of the hole he’s in?” she asked.
Drake peered down from his substantial height. “How very direct of you, Lady Mary. I do think so. As a matter of fact, I think he’s almost entirely out of it, and Lady Harriet is going to pull him the rest of the way, will he or nil he. She seems most determined. I think she’s absolutely in love with him.”
“You too are so blunt and bold,” she exclaimed, whipping open her fan.
“You love every bit of it,” Drake teased with a wink.
“I do,” she agreed.
He turned to her. “You wish to be just as blunt and bold, don’t you?”
She gasped. “How could you possibly know?”
“I see it in your eyes,” he said. “You’re not given to silliness.”
“Thank you for noticing,” she said ruefully.
“But what are you doing, then, dancing with all these silly fools?” he challenged, folding his hands behind his back.
“They’ve written their names in my dance card, and so, I must,” she pointed out with a sigh.
“No,” he countered rather strongly. “You mustn’t. You can do whatever you damn well please, you know?”
“I cannot,” she protested. “I am merely a lady, a lady who is the sister of a duke, who was the daughter of a duke, and is about to likely be freed from ruin.”
“Financial ruin that is,” he said. Something danced in his eyes just then.
She gazed at him. He was so bloody intractable.
Did he know something?
Was there some way he might’ve gathered that she was not at all interested in any of the men about her? “Are you suggesting I live as a spinster?”
“You, a spinster?” he scoffed. “I can’t see it. You’re not that sort of young lady. I can’t see you running off to a nunnery on your knees, praying to God every night.”
“Oh, I do pray,” she said wearily.
“Oh, I’m sure you do.” He rolled his eyes. “But I can’t imagine you living the cloistered life, and I certainly can’t imagine you married to one of these fools, either.”
“What can you imagine?” she asked, genuinely curious.
“I can imagine you married to someone who will challenge you and give you an interesting life. . . and lots of children, I think.”
It was amazing how well Drake seemed to know her.
Well, not really, given the fact he’d spent so many Christmases and holidays with them. . . But this seemed particularly on the mark.
“Will you dance with me?” he asked suddenly.
“Of course, I shall. But don’t you think we’ll shock society?” she whispered sotto voce. “They’ll have us married by morning.”
“I love to shock society,” he said. “It’s the only thing that’s amusing.”
“Well, then, let us do it.”
And he let her out on the floor.
As they began to dance, she swayed with him.
Drake was an excellent dancer, and as he led her about the room in great turning swirls and arcs, twisting her, and leading her about in the elaborate steps, she let out a sigh.
“Oh, dear,” he said. “I think you’ve been struck.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You’ve been struck by Cupid’s bow, have you not?”
“You must not ask such things,” she hissed. “And, no, I have not been struck by some plump little fool with his bow and arrow.”
“I think you have,” Drake insisted, undeterred. “You just don’t wish to admit it, and I think you should surrender to it. Who is it? Some notorious little poet, an artist?”
“None of those things,” she quipped.
“But you don’t deny it,” he said, holding them in a pause before whirling them around again.
“I suppose I shan’t, but Rob would be appalled.” She frowned. “He thinks I should marry someone who will protect me and keep me safe.”
“As you should,” Drake agreed. “But none of the men here will protect you or keep you safe in the way you need it.”
“I don’t follow,” she said.
“Well, if you marry one of these fools,” he explained factually, “you’ll be protected and safe in the way that the ton thinks, but after the heir and the spare, I imagine you’ll begin having affairs everywhere, and you’ll be bored, and you’ll see life through a jaded lens and live as many of our set do. . . but you won’t be happy.”
Her heart slammed in her ribs as a grave wave of sorrow crashed over her. What a terrible life that would be.
“Happy,” she echoed. “What is that?”
“Oh, come now, Mary,” he tsked. “You needn’t pretend you don’t believe in happiness at all.”
“Well, I’ve seen little love it in this life,” she said.
Drake locked eyes with her. “That does not mean one should not pursue it.”
“This is the most
remarkable thing, coming from you, Drake. You don’t seem to aspire to marriage.”
“Marriage would be a terrible thing for me,” Drake said. “I’m not at all that sort of a fellow. I know my limitations, but marriage, the right marriage, would do you wonders. It would free you, and I think you’d be very happy with this fellow you’ve clearly already chosen.”
“You trust my judgment, then?” she breathed. “Most men don’t trust the judgment of young ladies.”
Drake snorted. “Most men are idiots. Most ladies too, to be fair.”
“Now, now, you mustn’t belabor my sex,” she defended. “I think we do very well, given the constraints we’re put under.”
“Almost certainly true,” he agreed. “Men go about making rules that make women behave in absurd fashions.”
“I’m glad you agree,” she said.
“But you are behaving in an absurd fashion right now,” he said pithily.
She nearly tripped. “I am not,” she said hotly.
“You are,” he insisted, looking down his hawk-like nose. “I think you are in love with someone. I could see it in your bored stance as you gazed about the room, looking at all of us as if we are the most taxing thing in the world. There’s something waiting for you, and you’re not daring to go out and seize it.”
Daring, she thought. She’d dared before.
Did she dare do it again?
“I’ve chosen the responsible path,” she said.
“How very noble of you?” he drawled.
“Don’t say it like that!”
“How else should I say it?” he prompted. “You’ve chosen to sacrifice yourself. You have sacrificed yourself choosing others, and that means you’ve abandoned yourself.”
“I cannot countenance such language,” she chided.
“Why not?” he said with an elegant shrug, which seemed oddly timed to the strings of the orchestra. “It’s true. When you sacrifice yourself, you are abandoning yourself, Mary, and I think that, that is a great sin, indeed. Perhaps the greatest sin I know. You should choose yourself.”
“That is not how life works,” she said flatly.
“Yes, but it should be,” he whispered, leaning down towards her. “Why not choose yourself? I don’t think you’d choose someone who would make you miserable. I have better faith in you than that.”
She nearly tripped again.
He was asking her to trust herself, to trust her judgment.
Why had no one ever done that before? It was a revelation.
Could she?
Could she do it? Could she choose Heath? Truly?
“I don’t know if I love him,” she whispered. “I barely know him.”
“Well, you’re certainly struck by him, and I think there’s something very strong between the two of you for you to admit so right now.”
“He’s most inappropriate,” Mary explained.
“Marvelous,” he said. “I adore inappropriate.”
She groaned. “Of course you do, but no one else will.”
“You mustn’t think about everyone else right now,” he said, “You’ve likely thought about everyone else most of your life. Rob is about to be married. I certainly think that’s true. Lady Harriet is already leading him in that merry dance. So why not choose what you desire?”
He gripped her hand a little tighter. “Choose your own heart. It’s the best thing you can possibly do. Do you want to live on, betraying yourself?”
She gasped.
It was such a powerful thing to say, but she realized the truth of it. She was sacrificing herself on the altar of society, and she was betraying the hopes and desires of her heart. “You know, my brother might murder you for saying these things,” she said.
“Don’t worry, I can outmaneuver him,” Drake said cheerfully.
“He might murder the man I’m in love with.”
“Hmm,” Drake said. “That does give me pause. That terrible of a fellow, is he?”
She nibbled her lower lip. “Well, he’s certainly not of our ilk.”
“All the better,” Drake affirmed, apparently impervious to any argument. “We need new blood. If we keep marrying each other, it’s going to go terribly in the next couple of years. We’ll all just be wittering about, prancing around in our pretty clothes, unable to do anything interesting.”
Drake’s face grew serious, his gaze afire. “Mary, you should bring in new blood if that’s what you wish.”
“No one will like him,” she said, her breath coming in fast takes.
“Does that matter?” he demanded. “As long as you like him.”
She stared up at him. “You, sir, are the devil, just like the man I’m in love with.”
“Oh, devils are fascinating fellows.” Drake’s lips pulled in a sly smile. “Do I know him?”
“I don’t think so,” she said.
“Go on, then,” he said, “whisper his name.”
She swallowed.
Did she dare do it?
Did she dare tell Drake?
He’d been such a good friend to her over the years.
She winced, and then she whispered, “Richard Heath.”
It was Drake’s turn to stumble, nearly toppling them both to the floor. He clasped her to him and coughed.
“Richard Heath?” he repeated.
“So you do know him,” she breathed, wondering if he was about to change his tune.
“Oh, I know him,” Drake stated, regaining his footing. “He’s an interesting fellow, and I do think he’s been helping your brother a bit.”
“Truly?” she asked.
“Oh, yes,” Drake admitted. “He’s been helping your brother make some very interesting choices these last few months. He’s kept him afloat, you know?”
“He has not,” Mary protested.
“Oh, indeed, he has,” Drake insisted. “He’s kept Robert going long enough now that he is to find the lady who might marry him, who will save him, and ironically, love him. And I think Rob will love her too.”
“Heath has been helping my brother?” she said, trying to make sense of this news.
“How long did you know him?” Drake asked.
“Two days,” she said, wistful.
“Two days. A veritable Romeo and Juliet, but we must make sure it doesn’t end like that particular tale, for that was not a love story.” Drake waggled his brows. “That was most definitely a tragedy.”
“Doesn’t life usually end in tragedy?” she said.
“Oh, Lady Mary,” he sighed. “You are far too young to believe such a thing.”
“I don’t think so,” she countered. Thinking of the nearly broken young man she’d first met when Drake had come to their house. “I remember when you were quite young too, and I could tell you thought life was a tragedy. You don’t think so anymore?”
“I haven’t thought life was a tragedy since your brother befriended me,” he said honestly. “It changed my life. You changed my life. Your mother changed my life. The kindness you all showed me, it’s saved me. So, no, I don’t think life is a tragedy. I think life is a wealth of opportunity for those who are willing to mine for it. Now go ahead, Mary, mine for it. Even with a man like Richard Heath, because although I know the sort of work he does, he’s an honorable man.”
Drake drew in a long breath then professed, “And if you love him, well, who’s to say he’s not the best thing for you?”
The best thing for her, it was a very freeing thing to hear. “You know, if my brother finds out that you suggested this. . .”
“Oh, yes, yes.” Drake grinned, as if relishing it. “No doubt he’ll beat me black and blue, but we shall enjoy every moment of it and come out friends on the other side, I promise you that.”
“Do you?” she asked. “Do you think it could all turn out well?”
“The only way to find out,” Drake breathed softly, “is to leap.”
And Mary continued the dance in silence. Drake studying her, whirling her about the ro
om.
Did she dare?
Did she dare leap again? Yes, she thought. She very well might.
Chapter 15
Mary had weathered the fear in her mother’s eyes and the desperation in her brother for months.
She’d tried everything she could to assure her mother that all would be well. Robert had paced the halls of their empty house, most of the furniture having been sold, desperate to find a way to put them back on the right footing.
Mary was no longer terribly concerned with the right footing.
She’d had a glimpse of freedom, and she wasn’t going to go back.
But, she admitted to herself she had slipped slightly backwards. She had agreed to try to find a wealthy husband for her mother’s benefit. But now, she knew she couldn’t. She had danced dances. She had drank more tea than was good for anyone. And swilled, tepid lemonade until she felt she was a lemon herself.
No more.
Thanks to one very insistent Duke of Drake.
And so, she sat in the dark hackney coach cab, riding back to a place she had visited almost a year ago.
It was impossible to ignore the feelings of need any longer. Her gloved hands were clenched in her lap. It was a secret she would have to keep from her mother and brother for now, but she’d endured her self-betrayal too long.
She’d tried too hard.
And she knew one thing for certain.
She was not going to make a good marriage with a city man or a lord. It helped that her brother had fallen in love. She knew it for certain. Her brother had fallen for his best friend’s sister, and the two were going to be married soon. Certainly.
It was even more fortuitous that the young woman was wealthy. Thus, the family no longer needed to worry as much. And she, she need not sacrifice herself on any altars any longer. And she wasn’t going to. The hackney coach rumbled to a halt before the gaming club, and she peered up at it with entirely different eyes than she had so many months ago.
She smiled this time.
And this time, she opened the door and stepped down with confidence in her step. She strode across the pavement, walked through those doors. She didn’t bother with the footmen and crossed through the crowded gaming hall, ignoring everyone and the eyes that occasionally turned to her, and went straight for the secret door at the back of the room.