by Robyn Carr
“I think if it’s the real thing, we’ll come back together.”
“Yeah, well, you hit the nail on the head. I’m afraid if you go, you’ll never be able to come back.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Because you’ll find out what I’ve known all along: you’re tougher than you think, and you have the moxie to make it on your own.”
“You might find out something, too. You might find out you don’t need all these complications.”
“No, that’s your line. I said I’ll go all the way to the end. I just didn’t know it would be such a short trip.” He sighed deeply, fighting the feeling that the last shovelful of dirt was being tossed on the grave. “Like you said, we did what we set out to do. If you can stay, stay. If you can’t…well, you’re the one who thinks. I rush into things.”
“Well, I could have gone earlier. I could have called Flo; then you wouldn’t be feeling like you’ve lost something now.”
“I feel fear, Chrissie, not loss. Afraid you’ll decide leaving was the smartest thing you did. I want you to regret leaving, then decide it’s worth it to come back. I just can’t promise that I’ll ever be easy to live with. And I might never like Flo. I can’t make myself even want to like Flo. Just like Cheeks might never stop eating socks. Such is life. I’m sorry. My best isn’t much sometimes.”
“But I love you so,” she whispered.
“Then show me. Here. In front of the fire. Show me where to touch you. Let me put out the fire one more time….”
Much later he whispered to her, “I can’t say goodbye, Chrissie. Not to the kids. Don’t make me do that.”
“Okay. Whatever you want.”
“Then I want you to sleep in my arms. And when you wake up, be smiling. It wasn’t long enough, but it was good.”
Chapter 14
When Chris awoke Mike and Cheeks were gone. She didn’t have the time for the luxury of lying still and contemplating the past month and the decision she had made to end it; there was a great deal to be done before going to the airport. She hadn’t made contact with Flo—where was her aunt these days?
As she hurried around the house gathering up their belongings, scraping their presence from his house, she could not still her mind. What was going to prove the most difficult to live without? The way he was with the kids? Like he should have a dozen. Natural and decisive, he never made hesitant or wrong choices for them. He spoke their language, found the right pastimes, the right jokes, and practiced affirmative discipline that showed them how good they were, how smart.
Or would it be even harder to live without the way he was with Chris’s body? As though he had known it for twenty years and was, at the same time, just working up a sweat in the first round. How could you feel wild and nurtured at the same time? Frenzied yet companionable? Out of your mind with out-of-control passion but perfectly safe? You could feel this way with a man who trusted easily and gave everything he had.
Or would the hardest thing be giving up that fanciful, foolish, idealistic notion that one could have a unit of people bonded by love, fraught with ups and downs, fronts and backs, joy and pain, a circle that actually closed around them and was tied with the knot of trust? The belief that it could be settled, ironed out, renewed. Yes, that might be hardest. Had she really fantasized fighting and then making up? Sure. Before she had lived it. Before his temper had erupted and the first punch he threw hit her square in the only identity she had.
She had not, after all, asked him to become different from the man with whom she had fallen in love. Had she?
When she went into the kitchen she found his note.
“I did all the things I have to say. Love, M.”
That was Mike. Mike was better with actions than with words. When he was forced to confront his feelings, they were pretty hectic. What he wanted, she guessed, would be for them to forsake Aunt Flo, the money, the past. She almost wished she could.
There was quite a lot to pack, plus Christmas presents, opened and unopened. Then there was the car, which she took to a used-car lot. She did not strike a bargain, but she did get a ride to the airport with all their things.
“You’re doing what?” Flo nearly shrieked. The airport was a mess. Hundreds of frustrated travelers fighting for space on overcrowded planes, airlines offering money for people who would give up their tickets. Chris held four first-class seats. Nonstop, Chicago.
“We’re going back to Chicago. Today. It’ll be a long wait—we don’t leave until five-thirty, but—”
“Christine, what in the world are you talking about?”
“Don’t start on me, Flo. It didn’t work out. I made a last-minute decision. I tried calling you, but—”
“You were so damned hell-bent to stay with this big, dumb fireman.”
“Don’t call him dumb. He isn’t dumb. He’s the smartest man I’ve ever known in my life.”
“Well, then, why in the world are you doing this? Did something terrible happen? Did he hurt you?”
“Of course not. Of course he wouldn’t hurt me. He’s the gentlest man I’ve ever known.”
Flo rubbed her forehead with her fingers, exasperated. “I’m sure I’ll understand all this eventually.” Chris shook her head, struggling with tears she had been alternately fighting and giving in to all day long. “Me,” Flo said. “It’s me. He can’t take me. What a wimp. I knew he was a wimp all along.”
“No, no, it isn’t that. I mean, he is intimidated by you and your money, but it isn’t anything personal. Not really.”
“Well, then, so what? I’m not crazy about him, either. So what else is new? That’s the way it goes, right? You don’t like your aunt-in-law. Big deal.”
“And the money.”
“What about the money? Does the money matter?
What matters is how people feel about each other, not how much they can spend. What happened? When did this happen?”
“Florence, please. Don’t interrogate me. Please.”
“All right. All right. Let’s get my bags and go get a drink. We’re going to be here for hours. Chris, when you go off the deep end, do you absolutely have to take everyone with you? Where is that stupid dog?”
“He kept the dog,” she said.
“He what? He kept the kids’ dog?”
“No, no, nothing like that. The dog was going to have to go to a kennel, and Carrie was upset, so Mike said he’d take care of Cheeks. He can ship him later or something—I don’t know.”
“He kept the dog so Carrie wouldn’t be upset?” Flo asked.
“Yes, something like that. And I think he secretly liked the dog.”
It took an hour to collect Flo’s baggage and recheck it on the next flight. Then they found a corner table in an airport bar. The kids sipped soda. Flo had a Bloody Mary, but Chris couldn’t drink; her stomach was still jumping. The kids, fortunately, were very resilient. They were excited about the plane ride, about Aunt Flo’s house, and they were sure they would see Mike again soon. Chris was less sure, but she didn’t tell them that.
“Now,” Flo said, “let me see if I have this right. You are leaving because now that you have money of your own, he is intimidated by your ability to be completely independent of him? Is that it?”
“Yes,” she said, blowing her nose. “It’s just like with Steve—I mean Fred. Oh, damn, I’ll never be able to think of him as Fred. It’s just another way of using a person. I met Mike’s needs by being needy.”
“And you felt used?”
“No. Yes. I mean, I didn’t feel used, but he was angry about the money. Angry—can you imagine? He came right out and said it, too. He resented my money. He didn’t want me to buy things for him anymore. He said he’d like it better if I couldn’t.”
“I know men who like having fat wives. It’s testosterone poisoning. They’re all defective.”
Chris blew her nose again. Now that she was with Flo, the tears kept coming. “Well, everything was fine until he thought about going th
rough life competing with my big bucks. It hurt his pride, I guess. It made him feel middle-class, less of a man. I wasn’t prepared for that. Here was a man, I believed, who understood for better, for worse. I certainly can’t change who and what I am. I want to contribute. I’ve worked hard at being able to contribute. If he can’t take my inheritance, would he be any better at coping with a successful writer? It’s all the same thing.”
“Too bad he wasn’t willing to work on that. I don’t happen to think having money is the worst crime a person can commit.”
“Well, he wanted to try, but I could tell he wouldn’t be able to do it.”
Flo was fairly slow to respond. “There were undoubtedly many other things.”
“No. Everything else was wonderful.”
“There is, obviously, some reason you knew he wouldn’t be able to change?”
“It’s part of his nature to want to do for people. When he doesn’t feel needed, he doesn’t feel loved. There would be a lot of trouble. I don’t have the stamina for it.”
“I see.” Flo leisurely sipped her drink. “Well, you did the right thing, Chris,” she said coyly. “He wasn’t good enough for you.”
“Yes, he was! For a while he was the best thing that ever happened to me. You were right—I should have learned more from my mistake with my ex-husband.”
“And I’m relieved you did. Just in time, too. You’ll be much happier on your own. You don’t need that crap.”
Tears spilled over. “Oh, I don’t know about that. I’ve been on my own for a long time. It’s been pretty lonely. For a while, having you and Mike—my old family, my new love—it was so hopeful, so—Well, I just don’t see that I have any choice. Regardless of what I think I want, I don’t want to raise my children in a home where there’s so much conflict, so much restriction on who can do what.”
“Lord knows you don’t need conflict and restriction after all you’ve been through. If anyone deserves a happily-ever-after life, it’s you. You’ll be much better off. Besides, I’m sure he wouldn’t change.”
“I won’t know that, of course, because I—Well, I just couldn’t risk it, Flo. I’m tired of fighting.”
“He’s probably relieved that you’re gone. In fact, I wouldn’t doubt that he’s actually pleased. After all, his life was the way he liked it before you came along.”
“He was lonely. I don’t think he realized how lonely—”
“But these complications with money are too much for a man like Mike,” Flo said. “He likes everything simple. He wants to be the big man, water down the big fire, bring home the bacon…”
“He doesn’t like to think about things for too long,” Chris said.
“No, and solving this problem would take a while. He wouldn’t like that.”
“He likes to face things straightforwardly—”
“Can’t talk about his feelings,” Flo said. “Come on, let’s go down to the gate. This place is a madhouse. I don’t want us to get bumped because of overbooking.”
They began to gather up their things. They walked, a row of four, holding hands with the kids. “But he does talk about his feelings,” Chris said. “He doesn’t think he’s very good at it, but really he is. I honestly don’t know what was worse, when he was trying so hard not to say how he felt, or when he came right out and—”
“Oh, well, water over the dam,” Flo said. “I’m so glad you’ve finally come to your senses. You’ll never regret coming home. Not for one tiny second.”
“I’m not going to move in with you, Flo. I’ll stay until I can get my own place, and then—”
“You can stay as long as you like, of course, but I think you ought to know, I’ve made a few changes myself. Remember your little philosophy about betting you won’t get cold? Ken and I have decided to get married.”
Chris stopped dead in her tracks. “Really?”
“Uh-huh. Ken has always wanted to get married. I was the one who was too busy or too independent or, really, too scared. It’s a big step. That’s where I’ve been the past couple of days—with Ken…working this out.” Flo nearly blushed.
“I’m happy for you, Flo. If you don’t know him after all these years, you never will.”
“I will never be accused of being impetuous, that’s for sure. You’re the one with that trait. I may be slow at deciding what I want, but you, darling, leap before you look. You couldn’t possibly have known Mike very well.”
“Oh-ho.” Chris laughed. “Within a week I knew almost everything about him.”
“He was holding back some vital information, though. Like not being able to accept you the way you are. It’s a good thing you saw that in time.”
“I had no idea he was holding back. In fact, he always seemed to give everything that was inside of him.”
“You must have been pretty shocked, then, by the way he laid it on you about the money thing. After thinking he was so stable, so transparent, hiding that little tidbit…” Flo stopped at the gate. “Look at this place. An hour and a half until our flight, and it’s mobbed.”
“He didn’t hold back for long. He put it on the line. He said what was the matter with him and wanted to fight it out.”
“You don’t need that, Chris. Life is tough enough.”
“I wouldn’t have lasted long. I hate to fight.”
“No self-respecting Palmer wants to fight. Fighting lacks decorum.”
“You’re a born fighter,” Chris disagreed.
“I’m a born winner. I don’t like laying everything on the line. Never have. Probably why I never married. Look at that—they’re already offering to buy back tickets. Good thing you booked us first-class. We are checked in, aren’t we?”
“He wanted to face it. He wanted to try to work on it. He didn’t want to feel the way he felt. What can I do about what he feels? I can’t change his feelings. I can’t—”
“I think maybe we’d better get our seat assignments,”
Flo said, “or we might have a problem. Oh, I’m so relieved, Chris. You would have been simply miserable through the holidays.”
“I didn’t want to argue through Christmas….”
“Last night must have been hell for you,” Flo said. “The big jerk.”
“Last night was…” Chris stopped. Tears spilled down her cheeks again.
“I could just kill him for hurting you this way. Here I thought he was a generous, strong man who wasn’t afraid of anything, but when it came down to the wire, he just couldn’t—”
“He did give me everything he had. Even the bad stuff.”
“Well, honey, don’t defend the big jerk. I think you got out just in time. And I’m certainly relieved that we don’t have to deal with that dog.”
“The kids are really going to miss the—”
“I wondered what I was going to do about that dog. That is not the most agreeable animal. Growly thing.”
“Oh, he’s noisy, but inside he’s—”
“Where there’s smoke there’s fire. That dog had a hidden agenda, like the fireman. You think he’s just growling, you think he’s perfectly safe, then wham. He’ll bite someone someday.”
Chris’s eyes widened, and she slowly turned toward Flo. She stared at her aunt’s profile for a minute. Then Flo turned, and Chris met her eyes. “That dog will not bite if he’s not abused.”
“If you say so. But we’re not going to find out at the expense of my carpet.”
“I never had a fight with Steve,” Chris said.
“Why would he risk fighting with you?” Flo asked.
“If you didn’t get along, you might have taken your money and gone home. I imagine he was very amiable. But don’t think about that now, Chris. You’re coming home. That’s all that matters, right?”
Chris looked closely at Flo’s eyes. “What are you doing to me?” she asked.
Flo put an arm around Chris’s shoulders. “I’m agreeing with you, Christine. Don’t you recognize it?”
“Flo…”
“If you’re very careful, perhaps you can manage a life as tidy and enviable as mine. And maybe you’ll be ready to take a few chances, again, when you’re, say, about forty-one. What do you say, kiddo? Shall we get our seat assignments? Go home?”
It had been dawn when Mike arrived at his cabin with Cheeks. He had cried a little, then decided self-pity should be against the law. He wished he could have been stronger—strong enough to help them pack, take them to the airport, all of that. But he couldn’t do it. His disappointment was overwhelming, and he would have broken down in front of them. There were certain things that children should be spared.
So he and Cheeks put on the coffee and built a fire to warm up the cabin. Later, they went for a hike. Then visited the horses. Cleaned up the cabin a little, shoveled some snow, cooked a steak on the grill, even though it was freezing out.
“Here,” he said to the dog, giving him half the steak. “I’ll give you a pair of socks later. For dessert.”
What the hell, he thought. It had been a crazy, lunatic thing to do from the start—bringing her home like that, telling her to stay a while because it felt good. Who did stupid things like that?
Still, it might have worked. If she hadn’t had money? No. It might have worked if he had not been bothered by her money. Or it might still have worked if she could stand that he was bothered. He might have gotten over that. If he had kept his mouth shut about it.
But he couldn’t really live like that. It was about those changes, about that one thing that you would change to make things turn out differently. What if you got mad about the way someone squeezed the toothpaste but you could never say so? And if you said so, a whole major fight erupted and it tore you apart?
His whole family argued. At the Cavanaugh house you had better be able to hold your own during an argument, or keep your mouth shut. When something was wrong, you had better be able to either say what it was, fix it, or learn to live with it. You didn’t grow up in a household crammed full of people and everyone politely tiptoed around saying, “Pardon me,” “Oh, excuse me, did I do that?”