by Betty Neels
SUNDAY stretched endlessly before Matilda. She and Rauwerd had bidden each other a polite goodbye after breakfast and she had watched him drive away, wishing with her whole heart that she was with him. If he had given the smallest sign that he wished for her company she would have begged his pardon and got into the car just as she was. But he had given no indication of regret at going alone. She watched the Rolls slide away and when it was out of sight, went indoors, got her coat and took Dickens for a long walk. She ate her solitary lunch under the kindly eye of Jan, and then spent the afternoon in the garden, weeding, with Dickens keeping patiently to her side. Rauwerd’s mother and father were coming to tea; they were a welcome break in her lonely day and she listened eagerly to his mother’s tales of his boyhood and proud reminiscences of his success as a medical student.
‘He works too hard,’ said his fond parent, ‘but, of course, you can understand that, my dear, being a nurse yourself.’ She peered closely at Matilda’s wan countenance. ‘I must say you have been badly shaken; you are far too pale and heavy-eyed. When Rauwerd gets back he must take a few days off and take you somewhere quiet. You’ll know of his small farm in Friesland, but of course he has had no chance to take you there yet. It will be ideal for you both.’
Matilda made a suitable reply; it was the first time she had heard about a farm, but then there was so much she didn’t know about Rauwerd. She doubted very much if he would wish to take her there. They saw little enough of each other; to be together on a farm miles from nowhere, as it probably was, didn’t seem a good idea.
When her guests had gone she took Dickens for another walk, presently ate dinner and then went back to sit in the sitting-room with her knitting. But she allowed it to rest in her lap, not attempting to do a stitch of it. She had had time to think during the day and she knew what she was going to do. She was going to see Nikky and find out the truth for herself. She had been cowardly, ignoring a situation which had been bound to worsen, and which had. There was a second car in the garage, a small Daimler; when Jan came in to see if she wanted anything, she voiced her intention of driving to Amsterdam in the morning. But Jan was unexpectedly firm about this. With all due respect, he was quite certain that the doctor would be most uneasy if she were to drive herself. Her own car would arrive shortly and no doubt the doctor would take her for several drives to make sure that she perfectly understood the slightly different rules of the road in Holland. He pretended not to see her quick frown, and went on, ‘If Mevrouw will allow me, I will drive you myself, wait for as long as you wish, and bring you back home.’
He looked at her almost pleadingly and she saw no alternative.
‘Well, thank you, Jan, if that will make you easier. I intend to visit Juffrouw van Wijk. I don’t know where she lives, but I expect I can find it in the telephone book.’
‘Juffrouw van Wijk has a flat close to the Leidse Plein, Mevrouw. I will drive you there and park close by until you are ready to return.’
‘Oh, will you, Jan? Thank you. I don’t suppose I shall be long. If we got there at about ten-thirty tomorrow morning?’
‘Very good, Mevrouw. You will be home for lunch? So that I can tell Bep?’
‘Oh, yes. I—I—haven’t any plans.’
Which wasn’t quite true. Her head seethed with them, most of them highly impracticable. She sat back and thought out what she wanted to say to Nikky. If Nikky would see her…
She took great pains with her appearance in the morning. The fine wool suit was a perfect fit and her shoes, elegant and high-heeled, matched her clutch bag. She had been uncertain about a hat but finally decided that it might make her feel that much more self-confident. It was head-hugging with a stiffened bow at the back and gave her, she hoped, dignity, a commodity she was determined to keep at all costs that morning.
There was a lot of traffic and she was secretly relieved that Jan drove and not she, for Nikky lived in the heart of the city, down a narrow street lined by solid square houses, all of them converted into flats.
Jan drew up half-way down the street and helped her out. ‘There’s a line of meters just round the corner, Mevrouw,’ he told her. ‘I’ll leave the car and stroll around until you are ready. I’ll not be far away and I’ll keep the block in sight.’
‘What good care you take of me, Jan.’ She paused on the pavement to smile at him.
‘A pleasure, Mevrouw. Besides, I had my orders from the doctor to look after you.’
Matilda paused on the pavement; just for a moment she faltered. If Rauwerd knew what she was doing… She could see his face very vividly in her mind’s eye, white and angry, his eyes like blue stones. She gave herself a little shake; angry or not, she was hopelessly in love with him. There would never be anyone else for her, she was sure of that, but if Nikky had spoken the truth… But that was why she was there, wasn’t it? So that she could find out for herself? She reached the entrance and marched in, found Nikky’s name on the cards against the neat row of bells, pressed the second one down and went briskly upstairs. The first floor had four front doors; Nikky opened hers as Matilda lifted her hand to the knocker.
She was surprised, and just for the moment bereft of words, which gave Matilda the chance to say with polite firmness, ‘I’d like to talk to you, if I may, just for a little while—about you and Rauwerd.’
Just for a moment she thought that Nikky was going to slam the door in her face, but then she said sullenly, ‘Oh, come in then…’
They went into a sitting-room, modern and sparsely furnished with uncomfortable-looking chairs, a coffee-table of mirror glass and some impressionist paintings on the scarlet-papered walls. Not a room to relax in, but then she didn’t want to relax. She sat down gingerly on the least uncomfortable chair.
‘I’d like the truth about you and Rauwerd. I don’t mean just bits and pieces of it, or what you choose to tell me. Are you in love with him?’
Nikky laughed. ‘Lord no, nor could ever be, but he’s got everything a woman wants, hasn’t he? Good looks, money—heaps of it—a life-style to please any girl and highly thought of in his work. He was—how do you say—just my cup of tea.’
‘And does he love you? Or did he ever love you?’
‘You’re a silly kind of woman, aren’t you? Of course he didn’t and he doesn’t. We have known each other for years. I suppose, because I was alone and didn’t get asked out much, he took pity on me. If he’d asked me to marry him I would have done, make no mistake about that. But he didn’t. He married you. I suppose I hated you, so I decided to have another try at getting him away from you. Only I didn’t succeed, did I? You know that he came to see me? Well, that’s the end of a beautiful friendship— I’m off to the States. I know a few people there; American men are supposed to be good husbands… I shall miss him, though, always ready to sort things out for me, give me lifts, lend me money, but nothing more than that.’
She had been standing by the wide picture window; now she came and sat down opposite Matilda. ‘Do you believe me? Why didn’t you ask Rauwerd?’
‘No, I couldn’t do that. You see, if he had loved you and you loved him, then I would have had to do something about it, wouldn’t I? I’d like him to be happy more than anything else in the world.’ She paused. ‘And yes, I do believe you.’
‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you?’
‘Yes.’ Matilda got to her feet. ‘Thank you for seeing me. I hope you’ll be happy in America.’
‘Happy?’ Nikky asked mockingly. ‘Oh, yes, though not your idea of happy—Sunday lunch with mother-in-law, and a pack of children round your feet, and Rauwerd’s slippers put to warm each evening.’
There was no suitable answer to that; Matilda went to the door and made her escape.
Jan was waiting. She got back into the car and he turned it and began on the drive back. After a few minutes she asked, ‘Jan, I want to go over to London. Can I phone for a place on a flight tomorrow morning?’
‘Indeed you can, Mevrouw. I’ll see t
o it for you if you will tell me when you want to go, and I can drive you to Schiphol. Would you wish to let the doctor know?’
She felt a gathering excitement inside her. ‘No, thank you, Jan. I’d like to surprise him. If I could get a flight about eleven o’clock, I’d be at the house by about two, wouldn’t I?’
Back in Leiden again, she had a belated cup of coffee and took Dickens for a walk. She would have liked to have rehearsed exactly what she was going to say to Rauwerd, but her thoughts were too chaotic. She only knew that she would have to apologise before embarking on explanations. She walked along the deserted street, her head in the clouds, while Dickens trotted beside her. She walked until she was tired and then went back for lunch, a meal which Bep served almost an hour late without saying a word.
Jan had booked her a seat on a flight just before midday and she spent a good deal of the afternoon curled up in a chair in the drawing-room wondering what Rauwerd was doing, still trying to think of what she would say when she saw him again. She wandered up to her room presently and went through her wardrobe, deciding what she would wear, and then packing a small overnight bag. She washed her hair and did her nails and went down to eat a dinner she didn’t want. She wouldn’t sleep a wink, she was sure, but the moment she laid her head on the pillow she did so, and only wakened when Emma came in with her morning tea.
‘You’ll be coming back with the doctor?’ Emma wanted to know.
‘Oh, dear Emma, yes. That’ll be tomorrow evening late or the following morning. I’m not quite sure.’ She bounced up in bed. ‘And Emma, if Mevrouw van Kempler phones, will you tell her that I’m in England and we’ll both be back in day or two. I’ll telephone her as soon as we get home.’
Emma studied her with a speculative eye. ‘I must say you look ’appy, Miss Tilly, though that’s as it should be, you and the doctor being man and wife. It’s not right for yer to be apart, when all’s said and done.’
The plane was full and at Heathrow it took a long time to get through Customs, even though she had no luggage. She found a taxi at length and was driven to Tilden Street. But that took time, too, what with heavy traffic and a delay because of an accident ahead of them.
It was getting on for three o’clock by the time she opened the door of the house in the quiet street near Grosvenor Square, to be met in the hall by Cribbs’s dignified, ‘Madam, this is a pleasant surprise. Have you had lunch? Perhaps a cup of tea?’ He beamed at her with real pleasure. ‘You are quite recovered? The doctor said that you had had a bad time of it.’
‘I’m fine, thank you, Cribbs. Is—is the doctor at home?’
He shook his head. ‘No, madam, he left this morning early to go to some meeting or other, and then he said that he would go on to the hospital—he had two or three appointments there, I understand, and he didn’t expect to be back much before this evening.’
Her disappointment was so great that she had to swallow back her tears. But she hadn’t come all this way to be put off so easily.
‘I’ll go over to the hospital, Cribbs. The doctor might be free earlier than he thought. Is he dining at home?’
‘Yes, madam. I believe he intended to go back to Leiden tomorrow evening; he didn’t know for certain.’
Her one thought was to go to Rauwerd at once, but common sense took over. ‘I’d love a cup of tea, Cribbs, and I’m just going upstairs to tidy myself.’
She did her face with great care and brushed her hair until it shone and then wound it neatly, determined to look her best. When she went downstairs Mrs Cribbs had added a plate of dainty sandwiches to the tea tray. Sitting in the taxi Cribbs had called for her, Matilda felt ready for anything.
The hospital entrance hall was empty, save for the porter in his little box. Matilda poked her head through its window before she had time to get scared. ‘I want to see Dr van Kempler,’ she told him in what she hoped was an assured voice. ‘I’m his wife.’
The porter put down his paper and looked her over slowly. ‘Does he expect you, ma’am?’
‘Well, no…’
‘He’ll be at the meeting then…began at three o’clock and likely to last for an hour or two. Can’t interrupt it, I’m afraid.’
‘Oh. Well, can I wait here?’
He said grudgingly, ‘I suppose you could. Maybe he’ll not be so long. There’s no telling.’ He nodded towards the back of the hall. ‘There’s a bench there, between those two statues.’
Matilda thanked him politely although she was bursting with impatience. The seat was hard and cold and not easily seen by those who passed to and fro through the hall. Each time she heard footsteps she looked up eagerly, but there was no sign of Rauwerd. Fewer and fewer people passed by and presently, weary from excitement and anxiety, she closed her eyes.
When she opened them the place was deserted; even the usual hospital noises were hushed. She looked at her watch and saw that she had been asleep for an hour. She jumped to her feet. Rauwerd must have left by now; he wouldn’t have seen her there on his way out. She hurried to the porter’s lodge and found another man there.
‘Dr van Kempler,’ she began, ‘has he gone? I’m his wife—I’ve been waiting for him, but I felt asleep.’ This didn’t sound quite right. She began again, ‘He wasn’t expecting me, and I’ve been sitting on that seat by the statues.’
‘Really can’t say, madam. There’s a conference on and there’s doctors going to and fro…’
‘He’s tall and rather large with fair hair.’
He sucked his teeth and thought. ‘Well, I do remember a very big man—I thought to myself at the time, “There’s a big man”, but that could have been yesterday…’
She would have to go home; he might already be there. On the other hand he could still be in the hospital. She asked, ‘The consultants’ room—where is it? I’ll just make sure that he’s not there before I go home.’
‘Well, I don’t know that I can let you go there, madam. It’s private like, you see.’
He was friendly, but she could see that he was going to be firm about it. Desperation made her cunning. ‘Oh, well, I’ll sit here for a little longer. Thank you for your help.’ She smiled at him and went back to the seat and stayed there until she saw him turn his back to attend to the switchboard.
She was down the passage alongside the statues before he turned round again. The passage went on and on, lined with large mahogany doors—Hospital Secretary, Lady Social Worker, General Office…there was no end to them. At its end there was another passage, much wider and winding into a dimly distant curve. The first door said ‘Hospital Governors’ and the second, ‘Board Room’, and the third said ‘Consultants’ Room’. She fetched up before it, breathless from hurrying and fear of being caught. Without pausing, in case her fear took over, she knocked on the door and went in.
There were five persons in the room. Three were strangers to her; the fourth was the tall, thin man who had been kind to her at the geriatric hospital— Rauwerd had called him Dick. The fifth was Rauwerd.
They turned to look at her with unhurried calm, although Rauwerd’s calm was shattered by such a fierce delight at the sight of her that she found herself trembling.
He came towards her. ‘Tilly, what a delightful surprise!’ He took her hands in his, smiling down at her. ‘Come and meet some of my colleagues.’
They shook hands with her warmly and Dick said, ‘I was so delighted to hear of your marriage. I hope that when I come to Holland you will let me visit you?’
Matilda, struggling with all the sensations of someone who had expected one thing and become involved in another, murmured politely, exchanged small talk with the gentlemen, very much aware that Rauwerd’s hand on her arm was sending delightful thrills up it. She listened with apparent interest while one of the learned gentlemen, grey haired and bearded, told her about his recent visit to Leiden, all the while wondering what she was going to say to Rauwerd and, for that matter, what he was going to say to her.
It seemed an age,
although it was barely ten minutes before Rauwerd said easily, ‘Until ten o’clock tomorrow, then? In the board room?’
They all shook hands again and she went ahead of Rauwerd to the door. She couldn’t trust herself to look at him but walked silently beside him back along the corridors and passages to the entrance. The hall was empty, save for the porter reading his paper over a cup of tea. Half-way to the door Rauwerd stopped, took her in his arms and kissed her soundly, and then walked on again, his arm tucked into hers. It took only a few moments to reach the car, just time enough for her to ask, ‘Why did you do that?’
He paused, his hand on the car door. ‘Because I love you, my dearest Tilly; it is something I have wanted to do since the moment we met—I fell in love with you then.’
He opened the car door and shoved her gently in and then got in beside her.
She said in a voice she strove to keep normal, ‘But I didn’t like you very much…’
He glanced at her sideways, his eyes gleaming in his calm face. ‘No, I know that. That is why I suggested our marriage should be on a friendly footing—to give you time to change your opinion of me.’
Matilda digested this remark slowly and with mounting excitement. She wanted to sing aloud, fling her arms around Rauwerd’s neck. Everything she had been wanting to tell him bubbled up on to her tongue, but she clenched her teeth; it was neither the time nor the place to do any of these things. She kept silent until he stopped before the house and then skipped ahead of him through the door Cribbs was holding open.
‘Tea, madam?’ asked Cribbs, so that she was forced to stop and answer him.
‘Oh, yes please, Cribbs.’
She glanced at Rauwerd who smiled and said blandly, ‘In half an hour, my dear? In the study, perhaps. And we don’t want to be interrupted, Cribbs. Keep all the phone calls unless it’s something urgent, will you?’
He crossed the hall and opened the study door and Matilda went past him into the centre of the room. She turned to face him almost as soon as he closed the door.
‘I went to see Nikky,’ she began.