I’ve used the analogy of a fire because of its purifying qualities. It is a rough, painstaking, agonizing process of elimination. Its intensity sanitizes the blade and cauterizes the wound. It selects what stays by burning up what can’t withstand the heat. The punishing fire of atonement leads to the refined steel of wisdom. And it’s not for the faint of heart.
It’s funny that I’ve always considered myself a water person, when it has been fire that has provided the most comfort, drama, excitement, celebration, refinement and romance in my life so far. Fireworks, a bonfire, stacking firewood, little scars from the oven, little nicks from the fireplace, second-degree burns, barbecue, gasoline, kindling, propane, firepit, a hearth and candles. There is a corresponding incendiary element to every fire, match, eruption, bomb, explosion, ember, simmer and spark in all our lives. Everything has to start somewhere, and for me, the element of fire being both a starter and a finisher, as well as a sustainer and a purifier, was the image that best illustrated the balancing act of first feeding yourself in order to maintain the heat (and intensity) of the fires within your realm of influence, while also being discerning enough to not throw yourself into any fire simply to keep it burning.
None of us can control anything, so I choose to be the Mother of Dragons, not Jeanne d’Arc. I can orchestrate a host of parameters that might/could lead to a desired outcome, but at some point, it’s out of my hands. Discovering that helped me loosen the white-knuckled grip I had on aspects of my relationships, my finances and who I wanted the world to think I was. Since I have this one book in me, I wasn’t going to squander my singular opportunity by not telling you the truth and then wishing I had. Because after a lifetime of lying, I know how good it feels to tell the truth, especially when it’s hard. The stronger the expectation of ostracism, the more rewarding the lighthearted, self-made space of peace you get to live in, instead of the heavy shackles of lies that used to bind you. Living the truth is the most liberating weight-loss program you’ll ever find.
It is not in our nature as humans to seek tribulation, but if we can take the heat, we can be a witness to that triumph for others. As a Christian, I give God the glory for the things He’s done in my life, but if that is not your system of belief, then I would urge you to at least allow for the possibility that all things are as they’re meant to be. Deeply consider the possibility that you’re being groomed for greatness. I know that might ring a little hollow, which is why the boundless, all-powerful presence of God is so central to my life. Because if HE is the one readying you for your blessing, then hold on to your hat, because He says that He will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Jesus Christ! (Philippians 4:19)
I am sure that there are no lengths to which the enemy will go to discourage me and render me ineffective for Christ. My impatience, my pride, my ego and my addiction to the creature comforts and trappings of this world keep me enslaved and blind to the will He wants to impose over my life, for His glory. But even as satan has an annoying fly buzzing around my head trying to distract me from finishing this sentence, I know that only God can keep me from falling (Jude 1:24) and that no weapon against me shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17).
And I get it if all this “Jesus talk” doesn’t apply to you. But I will be praying that you will come to faith. In the meantime, I hope we can at least agree that your life has a purpose, and the harder you seek it, the more difficult it will be to attain. All the odds will be stacked against you because you are precisely pursuing the only thing that for you is going to make you a powerful force for good in your own life and in the lives of those around you. We all experience the fiery daggers that are flung our way the minute we get on the right track. Choosing between the mortgage and the hydro bill. Getting more sleep or having “the talk” with a loved one. Writing one more page before turning on the TV. Going for a run instead of emptying the dishwasher. It’s possible that all your options might just plain suck. But you are to wait on the Lord. Lean in to whatever new horror comes around the corner and stand your ground.
Adversity is an indication that you are on the right track. If this life comes too easy, with zero resistance, it won’t fill you up how you thought it would. You have to work for it, lose sleep over it, sacrifice for it, even bleed for it. Let’s get on with embracing the thrill of freedom that comes with rejecting the notion that our hardships have to intimidate or isolate us. You are not alone. Let’s stop pursuing anything that remotely resembles perfection, actively forgive our inadequacies and find peace in the truth that something is always on fire.
To Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Saviour be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.
—JUDE 1:24–25
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
If you’ve made it all the way to the acknowledgements then you know already that I didn’t get here alone. My parents, Sterling and Ann Gosman, have always said it’s never too late to say thank you. I would not have had the courage or the vocabulary or the stamina to write a book if I hadn’t been raised right, so thank you, Mom and Dad. Teah and Neville, tears come to my eyes as I think of the hard-working, protective, headstrong example you both have set for me as my older siblings and as parents. I pray my children will love each other as yours do.
The enlightened guidance shown to me by my editor, Jennifer Lambert, is something for which I shall be eternally grateful. She equipped me with courage. As did my faithful proofreaders, Jeff Embleton, Julie Beun, Megan MacDonald, Evan Newman, Jill Groom, Steve Zsirai and Alan Coates. They should start a commune for wayward souls in search of encouragement and reassurance. They would make a killing.
I started this process five years ago with a ghostwriter named Sylvia Fraser. She is a patient, long-suffering, incredibly tolerant angel of a woman who sat with me over months and months, only to have none of her words published in this book. But the material she succeeded in unlocking in me is the only reason this book exists in the form that it does. Thank you, Sylvia.
To the best human I know and the father of my children, Markus. Though we are no longer married, yours has been the greatest love I have ever known. I delight in seeing you in our boys’ faces and welcome your voice in my head. Held in similar esteem is my dear friend Kristin Johnston, who was taken from us while I was writing.
To HarperCollins, the Leighton Artists’ Colony at the Banff Centre for Arts and Creativity, Tamara Ross, Jim Fleck, Pastor Daniel Cormier, Heather Lohr and Shelley Fleckenstein. All of you have bent over backward, opened your doors and given me shelter in your own ways. You came into my life exactly at the right moment and our time together has shaped me, my faith and this book.
Finally, to my teachers and mentors: the cornerstones of my career. Every brick of my artistry and ambition has been laid by David Steeves, Dianne Wilkins, Mabel Doak, Wendy Nielsen, Edith Wiens, Bishop T. D. Jakes and the incomparable Mary Morrison.
THANK YOU.
PHOTO SECTION
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Raised in Fredericton, I was camera-ready before I could walk. This was the first of many pretty dresses.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
My older brother and sister, Neville and Teah. They’ve always taken such good care of me.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
The 1970s. That’s my mom with us kids. Could she be any foxier?
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Me on my nanny’s bed. I spent a lot of time with my mom’s mom in my early years and have always wanted the same for my boys.
HARVEY STUDIOS.
Were there black pilgrims? Apparently my family thought so. 1986 was a good year and my family decided to celebrate by dressing up. Let no one say the Gosmans didn’t have a sense of humour.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
My parents on their wedding day in 1965 with my mom’s paren
ts (my father’s parents were already deceased) and their wedding party. I think you’d agree the fashion choices here are significantly better.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
My very first trophy: Junior Star of the Fredericton Music Festival. And what can I say about that dress? It was the ’80s. That lace collar is EVERYTHING.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
1994. To be clear: this is a costume. Pictured here as Evillene from The Wiz with my director and mentor, Jim Myles.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
This photo just says everything that I am from high school to the present: in the centre, wearing a pretty dress and surrounded by boys. L to R: Kirk McInerney, Keith Loukes, Conrad Yavis and Tony LePage (a Fredericton native who became a Broadway big shot, with roles in We Will Rock You and Come From Away).
HARVEY STUDIOS.
1995. Adorableness. Even at the time, I knew this photo was good enough to be my high school graduation photo. I love the “1920s bombshell” of it all.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
My wedding day to Markus, my high school sweetheart! It was perfect, start to finish.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Me and my siblings. This is me at my most “abundant.” The two of them make up one of me and it is nothing but love.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
That’s right. My family’s a statistic. Fifty percent of these couples are still married.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Ottawa, 2012. The first few days of our first-born Shepherd’s life. He has his daddy’s perfectly shaped head, and I couldn’t be happier about it.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Nanny and Papa with their seventh grandchild, Shepherd Peter.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Shepherd making his debut with Oscar Peterson. Ottawa, 2013.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Unlike my first-born, Sterling is perfectly content to sit in his crib and play while Mama gets ready in the morning. (So long as I leave the door open so he doesn’t miss anything!)
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Markus and I sold our Toronto Parkdale home for significantly more than we paid for it. We opted for a low-key celebration.
PICTURE PARTNERSHIP/WESTMINSTER ABBEY, COURTESY OF THE ROYAL COMMONWEALTH SOCIETY.
March 2017. Westminster Abbey. Queen Elizabeth II is in the front row. Prince William’s in the second row. Annie Lennox gives me the nod when I come offstage. Colossal mic drop.
JAG GUNDU/MASSEY HALL PRESENTS @ HARBOURFRONT CENTRE THEATRE, TORONTO.
Just givin’r! I wouldn’t suggest this as a default jaw position. But technique-schmechnique. Sometimes the Spirit just moves you. Both gowns above by Call and Response Clothing (Toronto).
DAVID HECKER/AFP/GETTY IMAGES.
I’ve still never seen the video of my performance during the opening ceremonies of the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics. Why? Because, as breathtaking as it is, this is the image everyone saw. But only I saw what I saw from the perspective I saw it. I don’t want to ruin that. Gown by Dsquared2 (Milan). Hair by Maria Bertrand. Jewellery by Myles Mindham.
MAT DUNLAP.
San Francisco photo shoot with fellow Maritimer Mat Dunlap at the start of my non-classical rebranding.
MIKE ROY.
In rehearsal and performance with the New Brunswick Youth Orchestra. Antonio Delgado is conducting and Aaron Davis is on the piano. Antonio, like Gustavo Dudamel, is another star pupil of El Sistema in Venezuela. In the spring of 2017, in celebration of Canada’s 150th anniversary, we toured spirituals from my album Songs of Freedom and premiered a new piece commissioned from Oscar-winning film composer Howard Shore.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
After the very last class of my Bikram yoga teacher training course. Nine weeks of practising twice a day.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
Advanced camel pose. I have no idea who this is or why she would contort her body this way. (Heh. It was 2010 and I was drinking lots of the yoga Kool-Aid.)
KELLEY O’CONNOR.
There are some photos that you just have to get if you can. Leonard Nimoy didn’t even hesitate to give me the Vulcan nerve pinch when I asked him after a performance I gave of Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9, with the Cleveland Orchestra, in Miami in 2007.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
My homeboy, MTT (a.k.a. Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor and composer). He and his husband, Joshua, have an array of curiosities throughout their home, including a gong given to them by the Grateful Dead (to show their gratitude) and some of James Brown’s performance jackets. I’m wearing some kind of crown unearthed from their exotic travels.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
I’m always looking for new ways to innovate, and I’m constantly searching for people willing to break the mould. I had to include a photo of the string quartet that checks both those boxes: the delian::quartett. This is us after we debuted a mixed program of Mendelssohn and Weill on the final day of the Kissinger Sommer festival in Bad Kissingen, Germany, in July 2017. I’m excited by the space the classical music industry is going to make for us and those like us.
COURTESY OF THE AUTHOR.
The Banff Centre and Project Trio: I have been a massive fan of both these entities for as long as I can remember. I wrote most of this book at the Banff Centre. Beyond that, Banff afforded me the opportunity to begin a collaboration with the Brooklyn–based maverick ensemble Project Trio AND bring my babies with me! L to R: Sterling Brueggergosman, Eric Stephenson (cello), Shepherd Brueggergosman, Greg Pattillo (flute) and Peter Seymour (bass).
LISA MACINTOSH.
On the 28th of June, 2017, I began my next decade on this earth. My fortieth birthday was a two-day fiesta extravaganza, but it started at the beach in the Annapolis Valley, Nova Scotia. My best friend, Jeff, carved this into the sand for me because he’s awesome.
LISA MACINTOSH.
Me and Jeff. Our journey started in kindergarten. He knows where all the bodies are buried.
LISA MACINTOSH.
Sharing the stage with my youngest at my birthday celebration, surrounded by family and friends.
LISA MACINTOSH.
In addition to the five bands that came and played for my birthday, graffiti artist Kim Taggart tagged the initials of everyone who has made my house a home: MB/SB. To complete my fortieth birthday guestbook, my friends and family took turns spray-painting their names onto the foyer wall that greets me every time I come home.
LISA MACINTOSH.
June 28, 2017: The Original Five in my living room on my fortieth birthday. As the years spent themselves, we’ve had fewer and fewer of these moments. But my family has always been there for me. Always.
LINDSEY SPINNEY.
The last child I’ll ever give birth to: Sterling Markus. He is the namesake of my father and his daddy and every bit his mama. My youngest comes by the habit of putting his index finger in his mouth honestly. I’ve done it my whole life while I’m thinking, when I’m nervous or just to pass the time.
LINDSEY SPINNEY.
One of the only times my boys will peacefully sit together is when we read. Here, we’re genuinely perplexed as to why an old lady would swallow a dog to catch a cat to catch a bird to catch a spider to catch a fly.
MARKUS BRUEGGERGOSMAN.
You don’t have to be a parent to understand why my whole life has led to these boys. No matter what they become or who they choose to love, may the Holy Spirit keep their hearts and minds fixed on Him.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
MEASHA BRUEGGERGOSMAN is a world-renowned opera singer, award–winning recording artist, media personality and television host. She is the goodwill ambassador for three international aid organizations and has received numerous honorary degrees and awards of recognition. She is a sixth-generation Maritimer and the descendant of black Loyalists, and when she is not touring the world, she lives in Nova Scotia with her children.
Discover great autho
rs, exclusive offers, and more at harpercollins.ca.
CREDITS
FRONT COVER PHOTO: MIKE FORD
COPYRIGHT
Something Is Always on Fire
Copyright © 2017 by Measha Brueggergosman.
All rights reserved under all applicable International Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.
Published by Harper Avenue, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
FIRST EDITION
This work was created with the support of the Paul D Fleck Fellowship residency at Banff Centre for Arts and Creativity.
EPub Edition: October 2017 ISBN: 9781443438858
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
2 Bloor Street East, 20th Floor
Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4W 1A8
www.harpercollins.ca
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication information is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-44343-883-4
Something Is Always on Fire Page 24