by Noelle Adams
He turned away and gave a huff of bitter laughter. The sound of it hurt as much as anything had.
“Aaron, please,” she begged, reaching out to grab his sweaty shirt. “I know I didn’t treat you right. I just panicked, and I’m so sorry. But I can’t lose you. I just can’t. You’re the most important thing in my life.”
He met her eyes, and she didn’t understand the expression there. “Mine too.”
She let out a shaky sigh of relief. “So it’s going to be all right. We can work this out.”
Aaron gently extricated her hands from his shirt. “I don’t know if we can.”
His tone sounded so final it terrified her. “Yes, we can. We’ve gotten through so much together. Why shouldn’t we be able to get through this too?”
Aaron looked away briefly. She could tell it was hard for him to say the next thing. “Because I don’t feel about you the way you feel about me, Kate. I just don’t, and I can’t seem to change it.”
She took a step back, as breathless as if she’d been kicked in the gut.
Had he somehow stopped loving her and she hadn’t known?
“I…I see,” she managed to say.
He rubbed his forehead with his hand and continued, “I know it’s wrong because it’s not what you want, but I can’t seem to talk myself out of it. Every time I look at you, I want you. Not as a friend. I want you in my arms. I want you in my bed. I want you all the time.”
The bottom fell out of Kate’s world again—for the second time in less than a minute.
Aaron plowed on, as if now that he’d started he couldn’t stop. “I know you’ve never thought about me like that. And, after tonight, after you still don’t want me despite how good we were together, I’m going to have to accept that you never will. But I can’t seem to change how I feel, and it’s always going to get in the way of our friendship.”
Kate couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak. Her legs weren’t doing a good job of supporting her, so she slid down the wall to sit on the floor.
Aaron lowered himself beside her, leaning against the wall just like her. “I guess this means you’re surprised,” he said, sounding a little more like himself now. “I thought my feelings would have been pitifully obvious for a long time, but I guess not.”
They sat in silence for a full minute. She could hear his breathing in the quiet room.
“Kate,” he said at last. “I’m not trying to rush you, but if you don’t say something soon I might have a stroke.”
A choked laugh surprised her, but the amusement didn’t distract her for long. She desperately needed to explain something to Aaron, and she wasn’t sure how. “I…I do want you.”
He blinked. “What?”
“You said that I don’t want you, despite how good we were together. And the truth is…I do. I do.” She couldn’t look at him, so she focused on one of the pedals of the recumbent bike.
He obviously knew she wasn’t finished. “But?”
“But,” she forced out, “I’m scared.”
“Tell me what you’re scared of.”
“I’m scared of jumping into something on impulse and then losing everything.”
He reached over and put his arm around her, pulling her body against his. She huddled against him, despite his sweaty shirt. “I don’t think that’s going to happen, Kate.”
“How do you know? How do you know?”
“Well, it’s been fourteen years, so we’re not really jumping into anything on impulse. It’s been a long time coming.”
“Yeah. I guess.”
“I’m not anything like your dad, you know.”
She sucked in a sharp breath. “I know that. I never thought you were. It’s not that you’re like my dad. It’s just that he taught me it’s better to be careful, to not take risks when you have something good, to plan everything. If not, things can get…get awful.”
“They don’t have to get awful. They can get better.”
“Maybe.” For the first time, she was torn between the fear and something else. Something new and warm and excited.
Aaron didn’t respond immediately. If she was reading the tenor of his silence accurately, he was thinking hard. Finally, he said, “Tell me what you’re afraid would happen. The worst case scenario. Everything falling apart. What would that be?”
She chewed on her lower lip as she made herself think through the question honestly. “That would be losing you.”
He let out a breath, and she felt his body relax. “That’s not going to happen. I’m not going anywhere. You can throw me out, but I won’t leave. I’ll just keep pounding on your door.”
Absurdly, she almost laughed at the visual, but this was serious so she made herself try to explain. “But sex changes things. You can’t pretend it doesn’t.”
“Of course, it changes things. But we’ve been together for fourteen years. Do you really think sex is going to make us love each other less, make us less committed? We’d be what we’ve always been. Only more.”
Only more.
It sounded perfect. Exactly what she wanted. What she’d always wanted but hadn’t known.
But it was too new, and she couldn’t yet trust it.
“I have too many issues,” she said after a moment. “Even if I wanted to, I’d just make a mess of this.”
“Everyone has issues. Whatever’s leftover from life with your father hasn’t gotten in the way of our friendship. I don’t think it would stop us from being more. It’s just a question of whether you want to work through it. With me.”
She was having trouble breathing. Part of her wanted desperately to say yes—to claim Aaron in every way—but that would be a final step, one she couldn’t take back.
The fear paralyzed her.
She knew Aaron was waiting. His body was tense beside her. She had to say something, so she managed to force out, “Can I…can I think about it?”
“Of course. This is obviously what I want, and I think it’s the best thing for both of us. But I’m not giving you an ultimatum or trying to pressure you.”
He stood up and reached down to help her to her feet, and his mouth twitched irrepressibly. “You can make lists of pros and cons and anything else you need to do to decide.”
She almost laughed. She started to leave, since there wasn’t anything left to say, but she turned around before she reached the door, suddenly concerned she wasn’t being fair to Aaron, that she was taking advantage of him in some way.
His expression softened when he saw her expression. “I’m fine, Kate. And I’m not going anywhere.”
“Please don’t,” she whispered.
She left the workout room and started walking down the hall.
It was all new to her. That was why it was so overwhelming. Aaron had always belonged in one compartment of her life, and now he was trying to spill over into everything.
But that didn’t mean she was going to lose him.
She’d trusted him all these years, and he hadn’t let her down. She could trust him in this.
They could be everything they’d always been.
Only more.
She hadn’t yet reached her apartment door when she froze in the middle of the hall.
She suddenly realized he was right. He was right. And she was absolutely crazy not to claim so much more when it was offered.
She might have a few issues to work through, lingering fears about a life that didn’t feel secure, but she wasn’t going to let them shape her future. And she wasn’t a complete idiot.
Her world wasn’t going to fall apart just because Aaron moved out of the friend role.
Her world could instead get better.
A surge of dizzy excitement rushed through her as she turned on her heel and hurried back to the workout room.
Aaron was still there. He’d been finishing off his bottle of water, but he lowered it abruptly when he saw her, almost choking as he swallowed the last gulp.
She was breathing uneven
ly now. Everything was about to change. “Okay.”
She saw him tense up. “Okay what?”
“Okay. Okay. I’m still kind of scared, but I want to…to do this.”
She’d thought he would look happy—as excited as she was starting to feel—but he looked rather stunned instead. “You want to do what, exactly?”
Frowning, she explained, “I want to be with you. What did you think we were talking about just now?”
“Are you just saying this because you don’t want to hurt my feelings?” Aaron walked toward her, peering at her closely.
“No, of course not. I just decided…I want more.” The last of her fear faded as she spoke, as she explained herself to an uncomprehending Aaron, and now she reached out to grab his damp shirt. “I want you.”
He reached up to cover her hands on his shirt. “Just to be clear. I’m not talking about a friends with benefits thing. This is serious for me.”
“It’s serious for me too. I could never have casual sex with you. Surely you know that.”
His expression was briefly torn between reluctance and hope—as if, now that he was getting what he wanted, he couldn’t really believe it. “It’s really serious for me. I’m not trying to put too much pressure on you, but you need to know this. I’m in too deep to try it halfway and then pull back.”
The words were like a balm to her wounded soul. She’d never before known they were the words she needed to hear. “What’s going on here, Aaron? You’re the most important relationship in my life. It’s just as serious for me as it is for you. That’s why I’m so scared. Why are you balking about it now? If you’re going to change your mind about this, after I’ve finally worked myself into doing it, then I’m just going to have to wring your—”
She wasn’t able to answer because he was suddenly kissing her. And she was kissing him back.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave herself up to the kiss. He was urgent, hungry, almost desperate, and it matched her mood exactly.
Her chest was exploding with excitement when he finally broke off the kiss. He started to pull away, murmuring dryly, “Sorry. I’m all sweaty.”
She choked on a laugh and pulled him back toward her. “Why the hell would I care about that?”
Despite the deep passion in his expression, he still seemed to be holding something back, and she knew it for sure when he said hoarsely, “Kate, I want to make sure you know this. There’s not going to be any way back from this for me. I’m in it all the way. So if you care about me at all, you won’t start this if you’re likely to change your mind later on. You won’t do this unless it’s…it’s real.”
She knew Aaron better than anyone, but even she hadn’t realized this kind of passionate intensity was part of his nature.
Never dreamed it could be directed toward her.
“It’s real, Aaron. I’m not saying it will always be easy, and I might…I might get scared sometimes. But I’m in this all the way. It’s funny, since I was so sure it was going to mess up everything, but it actually makes perfect sense. I couldn’t have worked it out better if I’d planned it. I just needed one last piece to fall into place.”
She could see he finally believed her. Something blinding shattered in his eyes before he covered it with a familiar downward smile. “One last piece? What was that?”
“That was you.”
***
They ended up going back to her apartment, but then Kate wasn’t sure what to do. She felt jittery with excitement but also a little awkward—and absolutely exhausted. It wasn’t even dawn yet.
It had been a really long night.
“What do you want to do?” Aaron asked, either sensing her mood or feeling it himself.
“I think I’ll take another shower,” she said, “And get some sleep, if that’s all right.”
“Of course.” He glanced down at himself. He was still sweaty from running. “I need a shower too.”
She stretched up to kiss him briefly. “You do. Go to your apartment and take a shower. Then you can come back and get in bed with me.” When she saw the shift in his expression, she chuckled. “To sleep.”
She got in the shower—the third shower she’d taken in less than twelve hours—and had a sudden realization that she’d somehow gotten together with Aaron overnight.
It was surreal. She wasn’t sure how it had happened. But it made her want to hug herself with delight and tremble with fear at the same time. She tried and failed to imagine what their lives would look like from here on out.
Whenever she’d started dating someone in the past, she would visualize an entire future with him—playing out various scenarios and plotting out details all the way down to what kind of car they would have and how they would decorate their bedroom.
But she couldn’t seem to do that with Aaron. She knew him too well. Had no way of imposing a future on him based purely on her inclinations.
She was just soaping up, trying to keep her hair out of the spray since it was still damp from her last shower, when a sudden gust of cold air startled her.
She gave a little squeal when Aaron stepped into the shower with her.
“What are you doing?” she demanded, even though the answer was clear when he reached out to pull her naked body against his.
“Taking a shower.” His intensely tender expression belied his bland tone.
“I thought you were going over to your place.”
“I was, but then I started to worry about your talking yourself out of things while you were in here, and I didn’t want to risk it.”
She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. His body was hard and slick against hers. “I’m not talking myself out of anything. It’s just that it’s all new to me. You’re eventually going to have to believe me.”
“I do.” He kissed her. “It’s just new to me too.”
They kissed for a while, but she was too tired to feel any real momentum to desire. Aaron didn’t have that problem, though, and soon he was hard against her.
She took him in both hands and worked him over until his body clenched up unmistakably and then relaxed with a shuddering breath. She loved watching his face as he came. Loved being able to give him what he needed.
She’d always taken care of him, but it was particularly enjoyable to take care of him like this.
She was rinsing off his release—not much since he’d come not long before—when he pulled her into his arms.
“Thank you,” he murmured, a thickness in his voice that was becoming more familiar. “Do you need anything?”
“No. Too tired for anything else now.”
They got out of the shower a few minutes later, dried off, and then got into bed.
Kate was so sleepy she could barely concentrate, but she didn’t object when Aaron pulled her into his arms.
It felt just about right. She fell asleep almost immediately.
***
When she woke up a couple of hours later, she was in a strange position. She’d moved down Aaron’s body as she slept and ended up with her cheek pressed against his flat belly. One of her arms was wrapped around him, clinging to his hip.
She shifted, stretching out her legs, which had been curled up tightly against his leg.
Aaron had been asleep too, his breathing slow and steady and his body completely relaxed, but her shifting must have awakened him. When she looked up at his face, his eyes were open and soft on her face.
“What are you doing down there?” he asked.
She smiled and repositioned herself so her head was in better proximity to his. “I can’t be held responsible for what I do in my sleep.”
“Is that right?”
“Yes, it’s right.”
He leaned down to kiss her.
“Did you sleep the whole time?” She slowly brushed her palm across the lean muscles of his chest and abdomen, amazed she had the right to touch him like that.
He shook his head. “I was half afraid I would wake up an
d find none of this had really happened.”
His expression was teasing, but his words made her stomach clench. “It did happen. You said you believed me when I said it was real.”
“I do believe you. You just don’t know how long I’ve wanted this. It’s going to be a transition for me to finally have what I’ve wanted for so long.”
She raised her hand to his rough cheek. “If you’ve wanted this for a while, why didn’t you do something about it before?”
“What was I supposed to do? Haul you into a kiss when you were lecturing me about putting up my laundry?”
“You could have said something.”
“I know. Maybe I should have. But I knew you weren’t in the same place, and I knew how you would react.”
“How would I react?”
“You would have thought your perfectly constructed world was falling apart, and I would have borne the brunt of it.” He kissed her hair lightly to take the sting out of the words.
Her belly twisted in concern, thinking about how right he was, how blind she’d been, how much it must have hurt him for her to not consider him as anything but a friend.
“That wasn’t a complaint. It was just an explanation. Maybe I was just being a coward, but I felt trapped between my feelings and what I knew would happen if I said something. You mean too much to me. I couldn’t take the risk.”
She nodded, understanding completely. “No need to explain to me about being afraid to take risks. I’m sorry it took me so long to come to my senses.”
“It didn’t take you that long really.”
“Fourteen years?”
“No. It was less than an hour between the time you realized what I wanted and the time you realized you wanted it too. That’s a pretty quick turnaround for someone who prides herself on her rigorous planning.”
She chuckled at the irony in his tone. “Then I’m sorry it took me so long to even recognize we could be something more than friends.”
“Don’t be sorry. You’ve been a better friend to me than I deserve. And I think the timing was just about right.”