“What’s so funny, honey?” Zack asked her gently. He sounded as though he was amused by her amusement. Was it her imagination or did he actually use that term of endearment? His unintentional rhyme tickled her funny bone yet again and she gave another little giggle.
Good Lord! What is wrong with me? she wondered. That was pretty much her last coherent thought. She felt Zack reach around her to grasp her seatbelt and buckle her in. She heard the click as it snapped into place, felt his warm hand grasp hers, felt another surge of languorous warmth rush through her, and that was all.
* * * *
Zack belted Amanda in and took her hand in his for a short while, then he thanked God she was finally asleep and getting some much-needed rest. After he’d latched his own seatbelt, and started the car, he sat there for a few minutes considering her. The dashboard lights cast a soft glow on her face and he was deeply disturbed by what he saw there. Dark, bruise-like circles ran beneath her eyes, her cheeks were sunken and her cheek bones stood out in sharp relief. A sickly pallor had taken over her already pale features. He was surprised she hadn’t broken something in her fall earlier this evening. She looked so frail.
He reached over and removed the clip that held her hair, and lightly ran his fingers through its length. “Oh, Mandy,” he whispered in horrified disbelief. Why had he let her go on by herself for so long? He should have interceded sooner. She was in complete collapse, both physically and emotionally. He was, figuratively, kicking himself for not having run interference much sooner than this.
He angrily twisted the key in the car’s ignition, so disgusted with himself he’d forgotten he’d already started it. The car offered a loud, sharp grinding noise in response.
“Shit!” he exclaimed. He cast a quick glance at Amanda to see if he’d woken her. Nope, she was still out. Good. After checking for traffic he pulled out into the residential lane and turned his thoughts back to Amanda.
He’d known she was heading toward self-destruction. Despite the aura of confidence and poise she’d shown at the office, and at various other functions, the emotional vibes she put out told him she was struggling to hold herself together. The artifice was slipping. She wouldn’t be able to maintain it much longer.
She’d been trying to prove herself. Whether she was proving herself to herself or proving herself to others he wasn’t sure. She was always on time, if not early, and then she stayed late to fine-tune her clients’ plans. Rarely did he see her take a lunch break. All of the people on staff had commented about her continuing weight loss, everyone was worried about her nonstop decline. While she didn’t appear to have given up on living, it did appear that she didn’t care how much longer she did so. She seemed to go through the motions of living, without any active involvement in it. With the exception of helping others, other people’s needs she never put off.
He’d watched her carefully, and waited over the past months, hoping she’d improve given some time to heal. He’d talked to Diane and Eric Trumble, who had been keeping close tabs on her. He knew Di and Amanda had grown up and gone to school together, and that they were extremely close, almost like sisters in the way they reacted to each other and gave each other the support they needed. To be honest their friendship fascinated him, the bond the two women had was incredible. Frankly, he wouldn’t have been surprised to find out that Diane had kept Amanda alive to this point through sheer willpower. Di had a touch of something special to her, Zack thought. He just couldn’t pin it down.
However, Di must be off the mark somewhere. She was encouraging a romantic liaison between him and Amanda, and he was all too aware that she wasn’t ready for any such thing. He knew she was still grieving for her husband and wasn’t able to let him go. Not yet.
She didn’t allow herself to grieve him openly, he knew. She kept a tight rein on her emotions. She’d locked her feelings away in some deep dark place no one could seem to reach, including Diane. But that darkness had been eating away at Amanda, waiting for an opportunity to be released in any form. Tonight, it had shown itself in a myriad of ways including avoidance, sarcasm, anger, physical retaliation, and then finally tears. He was glad to see the tears because they would help ease that constant ache inside her, and help her to heal, though he knew she would stridently disagree with his assessment.
He also acknowledged that his feelings for her were anything but brotherly, which he was castigating himself for at the moment. Amanda didn’t need, or want, a lover right now. She needed a friend to help her heal, and he did want desperately to heal her hurt. He also wanted to share in her life, and hold her in his arms, and not just in comfort as he had tonight. He could see himself easily falling in love with this brave, kind, and somewhat temperamental, woman.
Zack had noticed over the years since he’d met her that, generally speaking, Amanda was a very strong-minded and driven individual which, he felt, was the only reason she’d been able to go on by herself for as long as she had. Her very nature, the tiny dynamo that she had always been, kept pulling her through each God-awful day.
Despite her own personal problems, or maybe because of them, she continued to reach out to others. She made herself available to any and all friends and coworkers, at all hours. She offered a shoulder, a hand, her own time, and her own money, to aid other people, while asking nothing for herself.
He’d born quiet witness to after-hours counseling sessions at the office between her and other staff members who were having a hard time with family or health issues. She’d always seemed to be everyone’s go-to person and, even though dealing with her own issues, she continued to take on others’ problems, as well. He’d personally heard Amanda offer soft reassurances or a swift kick in the ass, verbally, as needed. She innately seemed to know what would motivate other people and approached them accordingly.
He’d accidently overheard a private conversation in the parking garage one evening several months previously when Amanda had lightly refused recompense for money she’d loaned to one gentleman in the office. Unknown to Zack, who also would have been happy to help, Todd Abram’s daughter had heart problems and had required a surgery that had not been totally covered by insurance. He wasn’t sure how much she’d loaned the man but incredible rumors around the office said it had been more than a hundred-thousand dollars. Zack figured that estimate had been greatly inflated by the gossip mill, but who knew? Amanda had told Todd the only return on the investment she wanted was an invite to the child’s next birthday party.
He did know she sat on the boards of several foundations that benefited children, abused women, and the homeless, but only because Diane had told him. He’d tried to casually ask where Amanda was one evening when he’d been deprived of her presence at Diane’s birthday party, about six months previously. Diane had given him a knowing look, explained that she was attending a benefit, and then bragged about Amanda’s involvement with various causes. He was always happy to glean as much information about Amanda as he could, because she was so damned closed-mouthed about herself he’d never learn anything about her otherwise. Too, Di and Eric didn’t tend to pass much info about her his way, so he’d figured he’d gotten lucky to get as much as he did.
As strong as Amanda was, though, she’d finally hit the wall. The deciding factor in his sudden active involvement in her life had come yesterday when she’d approached him to suggest a change of lead architect for the Tabotts’ renovation. She’d been extremely anxious about handling it, though he didn’t know why. This particular type of renovation was her specialty, an estate originally built in the early nineteenth century.
As he’d questioned her about the project and encouraged her continued involvement in it, he could feel her emotions seething and churning under the surface calm she tried to project. The strength of her emotions had hit him so hard he’d had a difficult time maintaining an outwardly calm demeanor, he’d literally broken out in a sweat with the intensity of it.
The danger of being an empath was that others’ pain could t
oo easily become your own, it could mire you down. That’s why he tried to hold himself apart from others as a rule. If he hadn’t learned how to shut people out he’d have been admitted to an asylum long ago. And, in his case, he had an extra twist to his talent. Not only could he read the emotional climate of those around him, he could also affect it. Though he had a slight ability to push feelings at others from a small distance, a few feet at most, his touch would directly feed the desired reaction. He could calm with his touch, or he could excite with it.
He’d felt her control slipping away and attributed it to the ongoing depression that she worked so hard to hide. He’d only wanted to make her feel a little better, and her emotional overload had not allowed her to respond to his mental shove of positive feelings thus far, so he had reached out to touch her hand, hoping to imbue them more strongly through physical contact with her. He didn’t anticipate her reaction. She had literally jumped back as if he had administered a high voltage shock. Her feelings had bounced all over the emotional scoreboard. In addition to her anxiety he’d gotten a myriad mixture of sadness, rage, loneliness, fear, desperation, and a hint of something he hadn’t been able to pin down before she had bolted, in seeming terror, from his office. That last one might have been longing, a longing for David, he assumed.
He didn’t like to sway anyone unless he absolutely had to. Influencing people’s emotions was a dangerous and invasive action. It was one he undertook only in special circumstances, such as when he felt a person’s life might be in jeopardy, or some other form of danger might come to pass if he didn’t intrude. Or, to be more honest, if he felt a loved one needed his assistance or might benefit from it he might simply automatically sway them in a more healthy direction for a short while until they could handle it on their own, such as when his sister had suffered anxiety attacks while going through her divorce.
Tonight, Amanda’s torment had become too pronounced for him to endure any longer. Waves of it had roiled off of her and slammed into him with the force of a wrecking ball as she’d lost control of her emotions. He’d felt like he’d go mad if he’d had to suffer for more than a few minutes what she’d clearly been dealing with on her own for more than a year. He simply couldn’t understand how she was still functional.
* * * *
A little over a half hour later he pulled to a stop in front of her home. He’d spent that time wracking his brain, trying to determine the best course of action to help Amanda, without Amanda knowing about his help. First of all, she wouldn’t accept it if he offered, and second, she would think he was a freak if she found about his skills, if she even believed him. She definitely wouldn’t want to have a relationship with someone as strange as he was. He’d learned the hard way to be selective in whom he let in on his secret.
Zack left Amanda sleeping in the car and sprinted up her front stairs to unlock and open her door. After wrestling with the deadbolt for a few seconds and cursing at it a few times, he was able to open the main door and feel around for the hall light. Turning back he propped open the storm door and jogged back down the stairs.
He quietly opened the passenger door, leaned across her to release the seatbelt, and then hit the automatic lock button so the locks would engage when he shut the door. Stooping down he gingerly fed his arms under her knees and behind her back, lifting her up and out in one smooth motion, cradling her warm body against his. Stepping up on the curb he turned his back and shoved the door closed with his heel.
As he walked up the stairs Amanda began to stir in his arms. “Shh…it’s okay, I’ve got you. Go back to sleep,” he murmured in her ear, keeping his voice low and even. Her eyes opened slightly but didn’t focus. Her head rolled back to rest against his shoulder and her eyes closed once more.
As he entered her front door he stretched out his foot and gently released the foot catch on the storm door, then leaned against the front door to shut it, too. As he carried her into the foyer he looked around with interest. Every time he’d seen her it had been at work or at Eric’s place. He was not surprised to find the house literally gleaming. He knew what a perfectionist she was at work, he was sure she translated that to her home as well.
Glancing at the stairs he decided the bedrooms had to be that-a-way. He twisted his body slightly to the side as he climbed the stairs so he wouldn’t catch her feet on the wall or smack her head on the railing. Carrying her was no problem for she barely weighed anything at all. She was nothing but skin and bone.
In the dark it was a bit of a challenge to figure out which room was hers at first, and the hall light from downstairs didn’t feed up the stairs too well. Giving his eyes a minute to adjust to the dark, he took advantage of the opportunity to hold Amanda close, not knowing if he’d ever get the chance to do it again, for she did everything in her power to keep him at arm’s length.
He bent his head and lightly kissed her forehead, inhaling the fragrance of her floral shampoo and the spicy scent that was all Amanda. His enjoyment in the moment faded as he realized she was running a fever. He hadn’t noticed outside because it had been chilly and the cool air had dampened her skin temperature, but now he could easily tell that her body was more than warm. She’d actually become hot to the touch.
As his eyes adjusted he poked his head into each room. The first two were well decorated but held no personal touches so he assumed they were guest rooms. Heading further down the darkened corridor he found the master bedroom. He could see better in here. There was a small amount of light spilling in through the French doors off her balcony from the street light in front of her home.
The huge four-poster bed seemed to almost swallow Amanda as he laid her on it. He stood there, watching her for a short while. She was so small and looked so defenseless. She needed a protector, he thought, then grinned slightly, knowing she’d never admit it. He didn’t think he’d ever met anyone as alarmingly independent or self-reliant as she was.
Now what? Maybe he could call Diane to come over? What time was it? He looked around for her alarm clock and saw that it read nine-fifty. Was it too late to call her? Surely, she’d want to know what was happening with Amanda.
He yanked his cell phone from his back pocket and hit Eric’s home number on the speed dial. He waited as it rang, and on the fourth ring voice mail picked up. Shit!
He stabbed the end button, disconnecting the call and belatedly remembering that Eric said he had to go to Chicago for a few weeks. But, where the heck was Diane? Had she gone with him? That didn’t seem likely as school wasn’t out for the summer yet.
He dialed Eric’s cell number next. On the second ring a groggy voice asked, “What’s up Zack?” Obviously, his caller ID had informed him who was calling.
Keeping his voice low so he wouldn’t wake Amanda, Zack apologized for disturbing his friend and explained he was looking for Diane and that no one had answered their home phone. Eric assured him it was okay, he was just so beat from traveling he’d fallen asleep watching TV in his hotel room.
“Diane? Why do you need her?” Eric half demanded in sleepy confusion. Suddenly he made the connection that Zack might be asking for Amanda’s sake. “Is Amanda okay, something happen?” he asked in concern. “You know, she’s close to a breakdown, we think. Diane was over there last night and said Amanda looks like hell.”
Zack sat on the bed next to Amanda, gently stroking her hair as he responded, “Yes, well…tonight she came awfully close to one,” he informed his friend. Over the next few minutes he explained Amanda’s wild reactions during the course of the evening, informed him about her fever, and expressed his concern about her failing health.
“Oh man…Zachary…” Eric stopped, unsure of what to say. “Can’t you help her? You know, in your own way?” Eric was aware of Zack’s ability to influence others but wasn’t certain if Zack felt compelled to help Amanda or not.
“I’ve tried to, Eric, and I had a small amount of success tonight, but it took a great amount of energy just to calm her. Her anxiety is so
strong it washes away everything I impress on her. Talk about trying to break through walls! I finally blasted her with all I had, just to knock her out. She’s completely exhausted and needs to recuperate physically before I can work on her emotional state.”
Then he corrected himself. It wasn’t walls keeping him out. It was the mountainous amount of emotional debris that he needed to help her wade through carefully. Her feelings were similar to a bomb site. There were emotions as sharp as twisted metal buried under the loose rubble of pride and despair. One wrong step and she’d either impale herself or fall into an unseen abyss left behind by that bombing.
“I think she could really use Diane. Is she at home?” Zack was becoming more worried about leaving Amanda on her own as she began to twist fretfully in her sleep.
“Di left for her mother’s this morning. She’s in Erie right now, probably won’t be home ’til tomorrow night,” was the unwelcome response from Eric.
“We just found out we’re expecting, by the way,” Eric did not tell Zack how they’d found out. That was Amanda’s secret to tell, just as Zack’s secret was his own. Neither Di nor he had let on what they knew. They trusted that eventually Amanda and Zack would confide in each other.
“Congrats!” Zack offered. “I know you’ve been trying for a while now. I’m happy for both of you!” They spoke for a few more minutes, mostly about work-related issues before bringing their conversation to an end.
Standing up, his blue eyes fixed consideringly on her, his brows drew together. Okay. It looked like he was on his own. That thought thrilled him in one way and terrified him in another. Should he stay, or go? His normal confidence was lagging at the moment. He wanted to stay and worried about leaving Amanda by herself. All right then, he’d stay, because he was concerned about her health. That’s what he told himself. He was only partially lying to himself.
Amanda's Touch [D.A.R.E.ing Women] (Siren Publishing Allure) Page 8