“Hold on for a minute and let me get some towels ready for you. No shower! Just wash off, got me? You can sit on the toilet so you don’t tax yourself.”
He didn’t want her standing in the shower. She might pass out on him and get a concussion, and that would put them in a real pickle. With the way his day was going that was exactly what would happen, too. After readying her towels, he hid the picture he’d all but forgotten about under the sink.
“Okay, honey. Nice and slow.” He helped her out of bed and wrapped his arm around her waist. God, it felt so good to have her in his arms. He stifled a groan as his body reacted to her being held against him. He got her into the bathroom and asked if she could handle the rest on her own. She could. She vehemently told him so, blushing shades of pink he hadn’t known existed.
After a few minutes he heard a shaky and tentative voice ask, “Zack, are you out there?”
He smiled to himself, grateful she would ask for his help. “I’m here, what do you need?” he asked gently.
“Would you mind grabbing a nightgown from the second drawer of the dresser, on the right?”
“Sure, no problem,” he called back. “Are you doing okay in there? Do you need any help?” He pulled a pale blue cotton nightgown from the drawer and went to the bathroom door. Lightly rapping, he said, “Here you go.”
She opened the door wrapped in a large, fluffy, pink towel. She smelled delicious! She must have washed up with something fruity, he thought. God, please let her accidently drop the towel, he begged. If he had been a cartoon character he would have been a hound dog, heavily panting, with bugging eyes, and a thumping rear leg. “Jesus!” He swore softly at himself for his misbehaving mind.
He dropped his eyes, but not before he caught sight of a long thin scar that ran from her shoulder to her elbow. She’d reached for the nightgown with her right arm while holding onto the door with her left hand to steady herself.
* * * *
Amanda thanked him and then snaked her arm back in as quickly as she could. She’d seen his expression when he saw the scar on her arm, and heard him take the Lord’s name in vain when he had. He was probably revolted by her scars. She wouldn’t blame him if he was. She was revolted sometimes too. She shook out the nightgown and pulled it over her head. It was short sleeved. Oh well, he’d seen it already anyway, nothing she could do about it now. But she was saddened all the same.
For one small moment, when she’d noticed his initial admiration of her in nothing but a towel, she’d allowed herself to enter that fantasy world, that world where she was whole again. Could she be whole without David? For the first time in a long time, she thought it might be possible. What had changed between yesterday and today, she wondered?
In a flash, her memory suddenly supplied her with memories of his words and her actions that morning. “Oh, no!” she groaned aloud, sinking back down onto the toilet lid. She was so embarrassed.
“Amanda?” His concerned voice was right outside the door. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Fine! I’m fine,” Amanda said, feeling anything but. “Just give me a few more minutes.”
How should she handle this? Zack seemed okay, though there was a long scratch down the left side of his face. Oh dear Lord! She’d done that to him! Should she bring it up? What the hell could she say anyway? No wonder he’d threatened her with a psychiatric evaluation! She would have done the same, if the shoe had been on the other foot. Oh God! She wished there was a way to escape from her bathroom without facing him again. He was probably trying to act normally so he wouldn’t spin her off the deep end again. The poor man! A leave of absence! Ha! He should just fire her and be done with it.
“Amanda, don’t forget to take some Tylenol while you’re in there, okay?” His voice sounded funny.
“I’ll do it right now,” she replied. She’d been up for way too long, though, and now she was struggling. She picked up the bottle and tried to pry the cap off. It wasn’t cooperating.
“Zack, some help?” She didn’t like feeling so utterly useless, but there it was.
Zack peeked around the door, and seeing she was dressed, stepped in to give her a hand. He took the bottle out of her hands and briskly popped off the lid. She glared at him, despising him for a second or two. Sure, everything was easy for him! Then she abruptly shook her head. For goodness sake! Why was she thinking hateful thoughts at a man who had done nothing but help her out. He’d been nothing more than caring and friendly to her. Well, caring, friendly, and brutally honest. That last part she could have done without.
All of a sudden she realized that was why she felt hateful. She didn’t want caring and friendly, she wanted more than that! What the fuck? An ongoing thought for her lately, it seemed.
She marveled at her self-delusion. Was she ready to give up David? Was she ready for a new relationship? How had she become ready almost overnight? Has it really only been overnight, Amanda? If you’re honest, you’ve been lusting after him for several months! Sweet Jesus! He’s my boss! She closed her eyes and breathed deeply to calm her sudden panic. What I am going to do? she wondered desperately.
“Come on. Let’s get you back to bed and get some soup in you.” He gently placed his hand under her chin and lifted her face, as she sat stunned at her thoughts. He stood there holding her chin, just looking in her eyes. She could easily get lost in his deep blue eyes. She’d never seen anyone with eyes that blue, almost like a dark topaz whose facets reflected deeper and deeper, drawing her in.
She caught a glint of something from him, a vision too brief to interpret, or maybe her batteries needed to recharge for her to figure it out. She wondered what he was thinking, probably about all the work she’d caused him to miss, she derided herself. She was sure it wasn’t anything along the lines of her own personal revelation. It suddenly clicked into place, what she’d been missing last night when they stood at her car. She hadn’t read anything from him when he’d touched her. She stared at him in wonder. Mostly wondering why the hell that was!
* * * *
A half hour later, Amanda had taken her meds, finished off a bowl of soup, a cup of tea, and even a few bites of hated gelatin for dessert. Her temp was beginning to drop, too.
Zack stood before her, pondering. Something had definitely changed between them. He could literally feel it. This had nothing to do with her emotional state, although that too had bettered itself in the past eight hours. This had to do with chemistry. Could he trust something like that to last if it had happened so unexpectedly and abruptly? He wasn’t sure if he could even trust the emotions he was reading from her. Not that he was reading her wrong. His trust issues had to do with Amanda’s seriously skewed emotional climate. Until she was healthy, less stressed, and more in command of her feelings, he would not be able to rely on what she projected. Zack smiled at her. “I’m happy to see you’re finally cooperating,” he joked with her. Willing her to keep it light but not expecting her to go along with him, he was pleasantly surprised to hear her quietly laugh.
“Ha-ha! Oh yeah, I’m just a model patient, aren’t I?”
Encouraged by her attitude, he figured he may as well dive in to his newest discussion with her. “I’d like to discuss a few things with you,” he said evenly. He could feel her begin to pull away from him physically and emotionally. “Amanda, relax. No more lectures tonight, okay? Will you just listen to me? Give me the benefit of the doubt for a few minutes.”
Amanda sat up in bed, pulling her knees to her chin, and wrapping her arms around her legs in a defensive position. She bowed her head and allowed a curtain of hair to hide her from him. The pulse in her throat began to thud erratically. Zack pulled at her arms, trying to loosen her rigid posture, but she wouldn’t give. He settled for tucking a long strand of silky chestnut hair behind her ear, allowing himself some small pleasure in the gesture.
“I know, I said this morning, I’m placing you on a leave of absence, but I’d like to discuss a new project with you and se
e how you feel about working it.” Her eyes widened in surprise and she opened her mouth. “Now, just wait!” Zack told her, holding up his hand in a stop gesture. “I am still reassigning your current client load to the other architects. You would work this project, and only this project. You understand?” He waited until she nodded emphatically.
She quickly jumped in before he could continue. “Zack, I need to work. You wouldn’t understand how important it is to me.”
She looked away from him in embarrassment, flushing but seemed determined to spit it out. “Work has been the only thing in my life that kept me sane.” Her voice broke on the last word and Zack’s heart twisted.
“Before you get too excited, you need to hear the requirements. I’m not certain you’ll still want to take it on.” Zack hoped she’d bite but wasn’t certain of her cooperation. “You will need to live on site for upwards of maybe two months.” Amanda’s slight smile became a grimace. “It’s located about two hours east of here in the Laurel Highlands.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Zack, this is like a punishment! I don’t want to leave my home. I have so much remodeling I still need to take care of here. My grandparents come up to visit for two weeks every summer. Diane just found out she’s pregnant.” Zack could almost see her scraping up excuse after excuse in her mind. She was not going to leave willingly, he knew.
“Amanda. I meant it when I said it was this project or no project at all,” he countered her firmly. “Let me tell you about it,” he said persuasively. “It’s a huge old farmhouse with a carriage house and stable.” He saw her eyes widen fractionally as he mentioned the stable. Gotcha, he thought, smiling.
“The carriage house is already remodeled and you would live there while overseeing the remodel on the farmhouse.” He could see her beginning to consider it. “The farmhouse was originally built in the early 1800s and sits on a vast amount of land at the base of a mountain range. The new owner bought the horses from the previous owner and there is a guy who comes in each day to care for them.” He watched her as he described the land and its features and the initial plans for the rebuild. He had her interest, he was sure of it!
“Now, I don’t know if you like horses, or if you ride at all.” Of course he did, but she didn’t need to know he’d snooped. “But, if you’d like to, I’m sure the owner wouldn’t mind if you exercised his horses for him.”
He continued, further spinning out the plans of the new owner. Asking for Amanda’s input, knowing the more involved she was from the beginning, the more likely she would be to take the opportunity presented to her. “I’ll probably stop out at the site once a week,” he said, then paused as he tried to figure out how Amanda felt about that. She was excited but anxious and he wasn’t sure what was creating the anxiety.
“Not that I need to check up on you or anything. I have full confidence in your abilities. I’d just want to make sure you have everything you need, and that the contractors are pulling their weight, that kind of thing.” He could feel her relax but now she was also sad in a way. Good grief, he just couldn’t win with her, could he? What did she want? What didn’t she want? He just wanted a way to stay in touch with her. No, he wanted a way to begin a relationship with her, he admitted to himself, a way to begin a relationship, while also giving her time to reflect and heal, without being overwhelmingly in her face.
“I’m not sure this is right for me,” she said hesitantly.
“Amanda, just promise me you’ll think about it, okay? I don’t need an answer tonight. I don’t even need anyone on this for another two weeks. Which, considering the state of your health, is a good thing. I want you feeling better, and ready to take this on.”
Zack could feel Amanda’s conflicting emotions battling it out and knew it was time to stop pressing her. He wouldn’t lecture her anymore today, he’d promised. He’d given her a fantastic opportunity to work, and try to get herself better, in a healthier environment. It was now up to her. Pushing her would only complicate matters. Step back, Zack, he ordered himself. If you push too hard, she’ll push back and you won’t like the results one bit. Remember that she’s very fragile right now.
Zack stood up. “Okay, that’s all. Think about it, and let me know by next Monday.” He could feel Amanda’s relief that he’d backed off and was giving her time to think it over. Good move, Zack, he congratulated himself.
Now the hard part, again. He needed to tell her about the photo. Zack took Amanda’s hand, trying to figure out how to begin his apology, and hoping to keep her calm via contact. He just knew she was going to be heartbroken over his actions. He could kick himself for getting her upset again. He grasped her hand more solidly as she flinched away from him.
* * * *
Amanda watched as Zack reached for her hand. Wondering, again, about the amount of physical contact he felt he needed to maintain with her. Oh Christ! In the moment before he began to speak she could see exactly what he looked so guilt-ridden about. The wedding photo. He’d accidently spilled the tea on it. She was glad she’d seen it before he’d said anything. In his memories she saw him pick up the frame, look at it and then at her, frowning heavily. What was that about, she wondered? He sighed, and then placed it back on the dresser, hitting the tea cup with his elbow. She saw him in the bathroom dabbing at it uselessly and berating himself for being so clumsy.
The poor guy. He’d been beating himself up over it all day. He was sure she’d be very angry with him. But it really wasn’t that big a deal. She pulled with all her strength while he grasped her hand more tightly. Oh my! she thought. He was trying to soften the blow, but was instead feeding her more information than she could deal with right then.
“Mandy, I’m so sorry, but when I spilled the tea this morning, it poured over the wedding photo on the dresser.” He took a deep breath. “I know you’re probably very angry with me, and you should be.”
She interrupted, “Zack, please let go of my hand!”
The more she pulled, the stronger he grasped it. She began to laugh a little hysterically. Which was not the reaction he was going for, but in his surprise she was finally able to slip her fingers from his, and she sighed in relief.
“Please, forgive me? I really didn’t mean to ruin it. I don’t know what can be done, but I’ll see what I can do about replacing it,” he begged. Oh God! Puppy dog eyes, she thought, and chuckled sadly.
“Amanda?” He was confused by what he felt from her. Rightfully, she should be very upset with him, but he only read a very slight sadness from her. She should be furious, but instead he got, comforting? For him? He tried to reach for her again, but she tucked her hands under the blankets. Was she avoiding him now? Had he screwed up that royally?
With a very earnest expression she tried to explain. “It’s all right, Zack. Seriously. It isn’t the end of the world or anything. The photo was a candid shot, taken by Diane. I have digital copies on the computer and on my flash drive. I can just reprint it, okay?” She smiled at his discomfort. “Breathe, Zack. It really is okay.” She clumsily patted his knee where there would be a layer of clothes between them and she wouldn’t pick up any more vibes from him.
She watched him retreat into the bathroom and pull the frame out from under the sink, where he’d hidden it from her. He came back out with it in his hand. He wouldn’t raise his eyes to hers. He didn’t believe she wasn’t upset with him? She wasn’t sure what he was thinking exactly.
“I cleaned it up as best I could,” he said quietly. “I am very sorry.” He held out the frame to her.
Amanda jerked away from Zack’s hands as he tried to give her the photo frame. Oh no! There was still no way she was touching that! Her anxiety shot up and her heart began pounding. She held her hands up, as though being robbed, and refused to take it from him.
“Please, just put it on the dresser. I don’t want it!” Her shaky voice climbed as she directed him. He looked confused, but hastily complied with her order. Knowing he’d want an explanation she quickly told him t
hat she thought it best if he went home.
“Thank you for taking care of me last night and today. But, I’m sure you have things to do, and I’ve certainly eaten up enough of your time. I’m feeling a little better, and I promise I’ll stay in bed for the rest of the night, okay?” She forced a smile at him. “Go! Enjoy the rest of the evening.” She just wanted him out of the house.
Zack looked at her uncertainly and reached over to feel her forehead. She pulled away from him before he could touch her.
“At least let me take your temperature one more time before I go.”
Amanda beat him to the punch by grabbing the thermometer from her nightstand and shoving it in her mouth. Anything that would get him out she was willing to do. Beep, beep, beep. She allowed him to take it from her mouth to read it. “Okay.” Zack looked her in the eye as though trying to read her thoughts. “Your temp is down to 101.5.” He could feel her relief, but also a high amount of worry. What was she worried about, he wondered?
“I’ll get out of your hair soon, I promise,” he stated, unaware of how glum he sounded.
“Again, please finish this prescription.”
She nodded emphatically.
“Oh, and get a new toothbrush, so you don’t reinfect yourself.”
She nodded again.
“And, I know I shouldn’t have nebbed through your medications, but most of them are expired. I want you to go through them, and throw away the ones that are, okay? Will you promise me?”
She promised.
He could clearly read the “get the hell out” in her feelings and was concerned. This was not how he wanted to leave things with her, and didn’t understand the sudden tension.
“Will you come in to discuss the new project with me, when you’re feeling better?” He wanted to make sure she wasn’t blowing him off.
Amanda's Touch [D.A.R.E.ing Women] (Siren Publishing Allure) Page 12