His brows drawn together in concern he added, “I’ll be honest. I’m worried about how quickly your abilities are growing and whether you’re strong enough to handle the impact of them on your own. I think David had the same concerns, and he felt I was part of the answer.”
Amanda began to shake her head in denial and he raised his hand to halt her. “I know what you’re going to tell me. That you can deal with this on your own, that now that you know, you’ll be able to rein it in much sooner so it doesn’t get to that point. But we both know that’s not the complete truth. There will be times you can’t control it, babe. There’s no way for you to control how many spirits you see, or how many visions you have.” He stopped there as he felt her frustration with him build.
“Oh come on! Now you’re just being ridiculous!” As he’d gone on her brows rose halfway up her forehead in astonishment. She laughed at him, but it was in exasperation.
“I do have to learn to deal with it on my own. Seriously, Zack, I can’t be with you twenty-four-seven for goodness sake! We’d kill each other!” She watched as discontent filled his face. He didn’t like that last statement, too bad. As much as they both wanted to be together they did argue, a lot, mostly due to his management of her life. That was just one of the many reasons she did not want to jump into marrying him. Either he needed to acknowledge her need for independence or she’d need to give it up, and she was not planning to become dependent on him, for any reason.
“Not to mention there’s this little thing called work? I do have to finish Jared’s project, and of course there will be other ones lined up after that. I don’t get to sit in an office all day, not that I would want to. I’d go insane!”
Zack’s jealousy welled up at her mention of McGinty. “Jared, huh? You never did tell me what you were doing with him the other day.” He tried to calm himself and raised his brows in what he hoped resembled innocent inquiry. Evidently, he couldn’t act very well because Amanda grinned at him in amusement.
Picking up her fork she forced herself to take a casual bite. “Oh, we meet once a week to discuss the renovations. Either he drives out to see the site, or I come into town. It was my turn to drive in this week, and he wanted to treat me to lunch.” And treat me to a bit more, she thought, flushing pink. A good bit more, actually. “After lunch we spent the afternoon at PPG Place watching the kids run through the water and caught up with each other.”
“Mmm hmm!” Zack drawled out sarcastically. He could read her embarrassment and knew precisely why Jared wanted to meet with her. “I know exactly what Jared wants, and it isn’t to talk about his project.”
“Why, Zachary, are you jealous?” she asked in faux innocence. “I do meet clients for lunch from time to time. I hope you’re not going to react like this every time.”
Fun and games were apparently over for Zack. The words were practically dragged out of him, he couldn’t control them. He had to know. “Do you have feelings for him, Mandy?” All pretense and humor were gone. “I know that this,” he waved his hand, gesturing to the space between them and referencing their chemistry, “has moved much too quickly for you, and that you might find yourself interested in, or attracted to, someone else.” He swallowed several times, before continuing, because it felt like he had something stuck in his throat.
“Even with our particular challenge,” he almost whispered the words.
She knew he meant the pregnancy.
“I know that doesn’t necessarily tie you to me.” This he had to force out, and his face twisted.
She also knew he wished it did.
“If you were to decide that I wasn’t the right man for you, I hope you know I wouldn’t stand in the way of your happiness.” His voice ended on a true note of despair, though he got his expression under control and kept his face masked as he said it. “But, I will ask you to let me see our children on a regular basis, and of course I will support them.”
Oh God, the puppy dog eyes again. She couldn’t believe the guy was so insecure about himself. Of course she hadn’t given him much to go on, had she? Zack had really been through the wringer over the years. Falling in love with her while she was married, then patiently waiting through her grieving process, saving her from herself while basically waiting for her to regain her sanity, and then competing with David’s ghost. At least that shouldn’t be a driving factor any longer, she thought, grimacing as another painful jab hit her and then faded. Laying her fork aside again since it hadn’t gotten much use this meal anyway, she rose and leaned over the back of his chair, wrapping her arms around him and pressing gentle kisses to his neck.
“Zack, I have no interest in Jared, or in any man, other than you. I’ve been fantasizing about you for months now. Even before that first horrid weekend when I was so sick and you were so frigging bossy. I tried to talk myself out of it but I’d already been caught up in you, in the possibility of us. It’s been that way for quite a while now. I just wasn’t ready to admit it.”
He reached around and pulled her onto his lap, his hands encircling her slender waist and his fingers stroking the soft silky skin of her back under her shirt. He searched her face and emotions, gauging the depth of sincerity to them. She waited while he made his determination. She had nothing to hide and he needed to shore up his position in her life. His ego had taken a brutal beating over the past week with David around so much. Another jab hit her, faded.
“Fantasized, huh?” a dimple appeared in one cheek as he gave her his sexy crooked grin, made more so by the “bad boy” shadow on his rugged chin.
She smiled up at him and rubbed her cheek lightly against his beard-stubbled one. “Mmm hmm,” she hummed, inhaling his spicy musky scent.
“You, on a tall horse decked out in leather and chainmail, gleaming sword in hand. My knight in shining armor, minus the armor. Like Viggo Mortenson in Lord of the Rings. It’s a recurring fantasy of mine,” she admitted. Blushing scarlet, she dropped her gaze from his. He was going to think she was certifiable!
God love him, Zack tried hard to rein it in but after he choked and spluttered for a few moments he gave up and roared in laughter, hugging her closer to him. She felt his body relax from his previously tense posture. Kissing the top of her head and still grinning he replied, “Hmm…so, you like the bad boy image, the tough guy with the tortured soul, who strives to do good to atone for his sins?”
She laughed uncomfortably in embarrassment, looking anywhere but at him. “Well, you are always riding in to rescue me from various and sundry elements that conspire against me, aren’t you? I’m sure you’ll get sick and tired of it soon, if you aren’t already.” Trying to get them back on track she added, “Which is why I need to learn to deal with my abilities and the fallout from them on my own.”
“And just how do you plan to deal with it on your own?” His voice changed instantly from amused to treacherously calm and Amanda picked up the warning signs that his temper was building.
“I think, maybe if we start out working together…I could, after a while, learn to control it without you needing to rescue me constantly.” Her voice faded because she wasn’t sure if he would think her idea a loony one. He waited with a not so patient expression. “What do you think about biofeedback?”
His body relaxed again and, again, he absently began to run his hand up and down her back as he considered it. “Actually, that’s not a bad idea at all.” He liked the working together part of the plan. At least she wasn’t trying to find a way to cut him out of this aspect of her life. “I should have thought of it myself,” he admitted. Except that he was always looking for ways to make her rely on him, wasn’t he? He acknowledged that he liked coming to her rescue. For the first time he became aware he had a bit of God complex.
He heard her sigh as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders. As he watched her, those shoulders hunched as if she was indeed bearing a heavy load. “Are you thinking of using me as the biofeedback machine, and initially I’ll advise when stress levels
are rising? We can work out some relaxation exercises that might work to help you detox from stressful visitations and figure out some ways to help you focus your energies more effectively. What are your thoughts?”
When she didn’t answer him and kept her gaze focused on the floor he lifted her chin with one finger to look at her face. She was pale and within seconds began to tremble again. “You need to finish your dinner and go back to bed. This can wait until tomorrow,” he declared. “Besides we’d need to have a visitation, or a vision, to work within the parameters of using biofeedback and since D…” he stopped abruptly and studied her face trying to determine if he should finish what he began to say.
“You meant to say, since David is gone we won’t be able to practice it,” she said calmly, but he could feel the massive effort she was exerting to stay that way.
Her whole body was literally shaking now and his concern mounted as her skin grew cold and clammy under his touch. “Babe? What’s wrong?”
“Zack, there are always other spirits to work with,” she whispered. While he’d been able to lift her face to his she still wouldn’t raise her focus from the floor.
His stomach dropped. “What are you saying, Mandy?”
“Joshua and his army buddy Andrew have come for a visit. They’re standing right behind you.”
Her whisper was now painfully agonized and he would swear he was developing telepathy of his own, one that only communicated with Amanda’s thoughts. He literally knew she was thinking that she’d never again have her life to herself.
“Oh, hell no!” Zack almost dumped Mandy off of his lap as he spun to see them.
“No you don’t! Joshua, she’s had a really horrible two days and she’s too weak to deal with you right now. Get the hell out and come back only when she calls you.”
A distant part of him realized she didn’t need to have contact with Josh’s belongings anymore to see him. David had been right that her talents were growing by leaps and bounds. He’d said she’d only need to touch belongings once or twice and Zack now wondered if she’d soon need to touch any belongings at all. Christ, this was so scary! How much more terrified must Amanda be?
“Zack!” Joshua began to complain. “She said she’d talk to Debbie and Damon for me, remember?”
“And my wife Melanie!” Andrew added impatiently.
“You guys have waited for four years, another week won’t matter much! Do you know what happened to Amanda yesterday after she dealt with the whole fucking contingent of ghosts you brought with you, Josh? She began to bleed out from the mental pressure of the encounter and then she had a grand mal seizure!”
He stood and urged Amanda back into her own chair thinking that even if he removed his hands from her Joshua and Andrew could hear him. Zack didn’t want himself drawing any energy from her either. Again, to his surprise he could still see Josh and Andrew on his own and he continued to address them. A corner of his brain was working through possible reasons why he could see them, like he had David earlier. Was it due to the stronger emotional tie to Amanda now, or something more? Were he and Amanda feeding off of each other’s talents? Were they each absorbing them somehow? God how he wished there was someone, anyone, who was a true expert in the field of psychic gifts that they could consult.
“I want you to leave, right this instant before you do any more harm to her today.”
“Zachary, please!” Joshua begged.
“You always were a selfish son of a bitch, Joshua, maybe Mom couldn’t see it but the rest of us certainly did. Always you first, right? Well not anymore! You are not going to hurt Amanda like you did the rest of our family!”
“Oh, Zack, don’t!” she begged, not wanting to come between him and his brother. She didn’t have a clue what Zack was intimating but she did see shame cross Joshua’s face and watched a knowing look cross Andrew’s at Zack’s reference. Apparently the army buddy knew all. Then she remembered the dead could read thoughts. Everything must be an open book to others once you’re deceased, came the vague thought. She started to feel that pressure building again in her head.
“Zack,” she said quietly. He was still ranting at his brother but Amanda had stopped listening. Raising her hands to her temples she cried out in distress as the pressure mounted another notch. “Zachary!” She felt her nose begin to bleed and pinched her fingers to the side that was.
Zack finally focused his attention on Amanda as she yelled his name. “Jesus Christ!” This was not said as irreverently as one might think. He was actually calling for some divine intervention.
“Out! The both of you, out! I don’t ever want to see you again, Josh!” He unfairly railed at his brother in his overwhelming worry for Amanda, and watched Joshua give him the finger and then saw him and Andrew disappear instantly.
Pondering his brother’s true character he decided it had not improved with his death. His ears popped with the suddenness of their leaving, like they’d left a vacuum behind. Maybe that was why David always made the effort to fade from view? It was more environmentally friendly.
His expression still dangerously enraged, he turned back to her and watched as she cringed away from him thinking his anger was directed at her. “Oh Mandy, no…” he faltered, defining yet another moment in which he needed to work on his flawed character. “Baby, I’m not mad at you. I’m upset with Joshua.” He reached out to stroke her hair and was sorry to see her flinch slightly.
“I’m sorry. It’s my damned temper. When I’m really worried I can’t help but raise my voice.” He bent and kissed her head and felt her fear of him ease, a little. He sighed.
Grabbing a towel from the oven door handle he thrust it into her hands and told her to keep the pressure on while he put the food away. Then he took her hand and strode toward the bedroom pulling her along behind him. Seating her at the vanity that was now hers, he said they were going to have their first relaxation session right now and turned on the hot tub jets.
“Come here, babe, stand up,” he gently directed. She rose to stand in front of him and allowed him to help undress her.
“Wait, just a minute,” he directed.
She watched in appreciation as he swiftly stripped off his own clothes. Yes, even in the middle of another health crisis she could admire his body. She took in his well-defined abs and ran her eyes down his strong tanned legs, and then was blessed with a fine view of his magnificently sculpted ass when he bent to check the water. She mentally began to salivate with a sexual hunger.
He gave her a knowing look and a slightly wicked smile when he turned back to face her. He’d felt it the moment her libido had spiked. He responded as a male will and she saw him harden. She watched a fire begin to burn in his eyes as his previously clinical evaluation of her shifted to a lover’s appraisal of her mood.
Stepping into the water he held out a hand to assist her. She pulled the towel away from her nose to see if the bleeding had stopped. Nope, but it was slowing. Sighing she grabbed a smaller washcloth to use instead. So romantic, she thought. Zack laughed at her disgruntled expression and gently tugged. “Come on in, the water’s fine,” he joked. When she hesitated he added, “Please, Mandy, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Let’s fix it.”
Taking his hand she stepped into the tub and allowed herself to sink down into the rushing jets of water. He sat and pulled her down to lean against him and she felt his hard cock pressed against her buttocks and lower back. “Okay, I want you to work with me here.”
He wrapped his legs around hers to hold her in place and keep her from floating away and positioned his fingers at her temples, gently rubbing and sending short calming pulses at her, and pressed her head back against his chest. “I can feel you’re still all knotted up inside. While I know what you were, and are, feeling, I want you to be aware of it and tell me how it began, how those feelings changed, and when you began to physically experience them. Let’s walk through it to get a baseline and see what was triggered when.”
“Seriously, I do
n’t even know if I can figure out everything I felt. And I feel better now that they’re gone. So here’s my very unrealistic solution, no more ghosts!” she told him sardonically.
“We need to begin somewhere and what’s embarrassing about feeling anything, Amanda? They’re emotions. That’s all. You saw how I went off the deep end with Joshua. I’m not embarrassed, though I am sorry I scared you.” She felt him kiss the top of her head again. “Am I forgiven? You know I would never hurt you, right?” He sounded so worried that she patted his arm awkwardly.
“I know. You can just get a little intimidating and you seem to grow a foot taller when you’re angry.” She joked, but a small part of her did acknowledge that his rage had made her distinctly uneasy. Her stomach tightened a teensy bit in remembrance and she knew the moment he picked up on it.
Zack was sad for her and upset with himself for frightening her. He had never frightened her before when he got mad, she’d simply launched a defensive strike right back at him. But he should have known that she didn’t have the emotional wherewithal today to take it in stride. Hugging her tighter with his legs he promised, “I swear, Mandy. I swear to you, I would never do anything to harm you physically. I may do or say idiotic things when I’m upset, but I would never intentionally hurt you, or abuse you, in any way.”
“I know that, Zack. I’m fine, really. It just took me by surprise that’s all, and I’m not really feeling like myself tonight,” she acknowledged dispiritedly. “I know I slept last night and this afternoon but I literally feel as though I’ve been awake for days I’m so exhausted. I don’t understand it!” she added in frustration.
“I told you that you’re going to feel worn out for a few days and of course you didn’t get to rest much today either, unfortunately.” He paused because he really wanted to suggest she take a week off. Her body and brain had been through so much in the past week and a half between her injuries and mental output. “May I suggest something without you jumping down my throat?” he asked.
Amanda's Touch [D.A.R.E.ing Women] (Siren Publishing Allure) Page 54