“No, I haven’t even looked at my iPod,” I admitted, hoping he would understand that it wasn’t that I just wasn’t listening to his music.
“We will be tonight,” Liz declared excitedly.
“Well, if Liz has her way, you should have a full report back next time I see you,” I laughed.
“Good,” he said with a small smile. He ran his hand through his hair and let out a breath. “Well I guess I will get going,” he said, looking at me.
“You don’t have to go,” I practically blurted, disappointed because he’d just gotten here. I could tell that Liz was analyzing everything right now, and I so hadn’t helped by how I’d just responded.
“Trust me. You will need the extra time if you plan to listen to all of that music before I visit again.” He winked, indicating that he would be back soon and that I had a lot of music to listen to.
I tried to sound more upbeat. “Okay. If you say so.”
“Bye, Taylor,” he said, turning toward the door.
“What, no bye to me?” Liz scolded.
Kyle chuckled and turned his head toward her. “Bye, Liz, last name unknown.”
“Much better. Bye, Kyle Thorne,” she responded without offering her last name.
He nodded, and I watch his leather jacket disappear through the door.
“Spill,” Liz demanded as soon as he was gone. She had her ‘cut the crap and tell me the truth’ look on her face, indicating she was serious.
I took a deep breath knowing I would have to give her details or she wouldn’t let it go. “Like I told you before, he lives across the street. Since that day, he’s stopped by my house a few times, and he has visited me every day so far. One day I didn’t see him because I was sleeping, but he has been here every day. He just hangs out and talks to me. I’m not sure why, but I like the company.” I watch as she thinks about what I’d told her.
“So where is Austin?” she asked.
I shrug. “He visited me once and didn’t stay long because I got sick. He texted me a few times, but I guess he has probably been busy with school like you.” A dark look came over her face, but before I could ask, it was gone.
“If I hadn’t been planning on smothering you this weekend, I would have come to see you more this week. I actually got homework done early so I could focus on you all weekend.”
“Wow. You never do homework early. That is serious.” I knew she was trying to defend her absence, but she didn’t need to.
“Wait—is Kyle the reason you dyed your hair?”
Crap. She knew me too well.
“He may have taken me to get it done,” I admitted.
“I knew it! I was shocked when you did it. I didn’t think you would have done that without encouragement, especially with knowing how pissed your mom would be,” she said, nailing it.
“Yeah. I had mentioned that I had always wanted to dye my hair, so he took me and didn’t give me an option.”
“I like him,” she declared. Then she got serious. “Do you like him?”
“We are friends. I would hope so.”
She shakes her head. “No, do you like him?” She changed the tone for the ‘like’ so I would get her meaning.
“No, I have a boyfriend, Liz. Remember?” As I said it, I knew I was lying. I shouldn’t like him, but I did.
“It’s me. Like I care. It’s not like I will tell anyone.”
She was trying to get me to change my answer, but I didn’t say anything.
“I mean, dang. How could you not? He is higher on the hotness meter than I noticed that day in the street. And that whole bad boy thing he has going on—YUMMM. Actually, please don’t like him so I can stalk him,” she said, getting this dreamy look on her face, making me giggle.
“You are ridiculous!” I teased and pushed her playfully.
“Let’s see this playlist. I’m officially intrigued. Give me,” she said, making the grabby motion.
I swiped the iPod from the table on the other side of me, and as soon as it was in front of her she snatched it from my hand.
“Jeez, it’s not going to jump out of my hand.”
She ignored me and was already investigating the iPod that was now in her hands. “Stranger’s Music?” She gave me a weird look.
I burst out laughing. I hadn’t expected him to title it that. I guessed he was serious about being my stranger. Liz looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Maybe I had.
“I don’t get what is so funny…”
I didn’t want to explain it to her because then she would find out that I’d confided in him before her. I didn’t know if she would understand that it had just been easier.
“What?” she asks.
“Huh?”
“You have a guilty ‘I don’t want to tell you’ face,” she stated, catching me.
Crap. “You will be mad,” I told her. I stalled, biting my lip nervously.
“I’ll be the judge of that,” she declared. “Come on. Spill it.”
I drew in a deep breath, afraid of how she would react. I knew she would forgive me; I just didn’t want to hurt her. Here goes nothing, I guess.
“That day you saw me with him I-I sort of told him everything. I didn’t mean to. He had made a comment, and it just came out. It was easy because I didn’t know him, and that is where the stranger thing came from.” I looked down guiltily.
“I know,” she said without hesitation, surprising me, and I looked back up at her. “Well, I didn’t exactly get the stranger title, but I had a feeling you told him when I saw you that day, and he obviously found out if he is visiting you in the hospital. When I figured out that he was the one who got you to dye your hair, it was obvious,” she claimed, smiling at me.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, still feeling bad.
“It’s okay. You just owe me dirty details on Thorne of hotness,” she stated with a perfectly serious face. I didn’t know how she’d done it because I was already laughing.
“How the heck do you come up with this stuff?” I got out between giggles, which were actually starting to hurt.
She flicked her hair behind her shoulder. “It’s a talent.”
We settled in for the rest of the night, listening to the playlist Kyle had made me and talking. I managed to get sick only a couple times. In both cases, Liz excused herself on the account that she would then get sick and make the whole situation worse. She didn’t even have to explain because I knew how she was around bodily fluids, and it wasn’t pretty.
The rest of the weekend went on like that, and before I knew it, it was Sunday. She’d stayed with me all weekend as promised, and because I hadn’t had any more treatments over the weekend, I was feeling a lot better. Things were looking up, other than the array of new bruises that now graced my skin.
CHAPTER EIGHT
I was feeling like things weren’t going to be so bad, and then Monday arrived. A new round of drugs was administered, sending me spiraling back downward. This time, the treatment had barely finished before my body started heaving, wanting to rid itself of everything. If it were possible, I thought my own body would have ejected itself too.
CHAPTER NINE
My body lost all motivation and strength to do any task. I didn’t even have the energy to run to the bathroom every time I got sick. I finally succumbed to using the ugly pink basin that had been eyeing me for a week. I was pretty sure it snickered at me when I gave in. Ashamed, I almost hurtled it at the wall, but I remembered that an undeserving nurse would have to clean it up, so I refrained. I felt helpless and useless, and I hated it.
CHAPTER TEN
Days merged together, and I didn’t know the day of the week or even if it was day or night anymore. My birthday came and went, but I was too sick to get excited or enjoy it. Turning sixteen just didn’t matter anymore. My parents promised that we would celebrate once we were home. I was vaguely aware of visitors. Liz and Kyle visited the most, not counting my parents, who seemed like they never left. Austin visited a few ti
mes, but it had been a long time since I had seen him. Or maybe it was just yesterday with how time felt to me now. I wasn’t sure. I knew before long that the pull of sleep would submerge me into the darkness again.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
My eyes fluttered open at the sound of the door opening, and I blinked a few times until Kyle came into focus. I managed to smile at him softly, happy he was here—and even happier that I was aware of it. I began to push myself up in bed to a sitting position as Kyle walked toward me. His eyes darted down, and a frown creased his face. I glance down to where I had just been lying—his eyes were lingering—and saw a clump of blond and pink hair. My hair.
Tears instantly stung my eyes as I reached and picked it up in my hands. I looked at Kyle, mortified. This was happening, I was losing my hair.
His eyes connected with mine, and I could see sadness in them until he blinked it away.
“It’s okay. You have too much hair anyways,” he said, smiling as he ran his fingers through it softly. I watched him as he focused on my hair and felt him make a new part in it with his fingers.
He left my room without a word, leaving me to look after him until he reappeared with a mirror in his hands.
“See? You can’t even tell.”
He placed the mirror in front of me. He was right. My hair looked normal right now, but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure when the last time I looked into a mirror was, but it was long enough that I’d lost a lot of my skin tone, and my face looked a lot thinner, which was not a good thing. I actually looked sick now, so I guessed it matched how I felt all the time. Thankfully, Mom brushed my hair on a regular basis or I would have really frightened myself.
I put the mirror facedown, not wanting to see myself anymore. I tried to smile at him again, but I was sure it just looked pathetic.
“Soon, I won’t be able to hide it though,” I said sadly. He watched me, and I could tell he was trying to find the right thing to say. “Then you will probably stop showing up too.” My voice wavered as a tear slid down my face, followed by more.
“Hey,” he whispered as he brushed the tear away with his thumb and held my cheek, his warm hands sending shivers through me. Worry and confusion swept over his face. “Who stopped showing up?” His voice was full of concern.
“Austin,” I choked, saying it out loud for the first time. He pulled his hand back then, realizing what he was doing. My cheek felt cold with the loss of his touch. “I haven’t been awesome with awareness, but I still noticed that he stopped coming.”
“Well he is an idiot.” Anger seeped through the controlled voice he was trying to hold. “I don’t care about your hair falling out, Taylor. I won’t stop coming. I promise.” His voice softened, the fury leaving it.
“He promised too,” I stated with some of my resentment toward Austin in my voice.
He winced at my words. “I keep my promises. Have I given you any reason to doubt me yet?” he asked, piercing me with his serious eyes.
“No,” I answered, knowing that he was nothing like Austin and that he always seemed to do what he said he would. This time, when I smiled at him, it came easy.
“I found a bike that I want to get,” he told me, changing the subject.
“Oh yeah? Is it pink with a little matching basket on the front?” I joked, feeling like lightening the mood even more.
He let out a deep laugh, and his eyes sparkled with humor. “YES! That is the very one. It even has glitter streams coming off of the handlebars!” he declared excitedly, making me laugh in return.
“I may have to steal it in that case.” I grinned at him, and it felt good.
“I don’t think so, but maybe I’ll bring you for a ride,” he said with a wink.
“Really?” I exclaimed, no longer talking about the imaginary pink bike. He looked at me curiously at the change of banter. “If I get out of here, will you take me for a ride on your bike?” I asked.
Pure surprise shines in his eyes, but his face was glowing from being asked. “You want to go on a motorcycle?” he asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, why not?”
“I don’t know. They can be scary,” he replied.
“If this doesn’t kill me”—I motioned around the hospital room—“then the motorcycle certainly isn’t going to kill me.”
He stared at me in awe, like I was something he had never seen before. It was a bit unnerving.
“Okay,” he said. “I will take you for a ride.” He grinned with excitement in his eyes. I felt his enthusiasm and mine combine and spread through me. I had something new to look forward to when I got out of here. If I got out of here.
CHAPTER TWELVE
“I have something I need to tell you. I don’t want to, but I think I should,” Liz said solemnly, clearly distraught. She looked at me with big sad eyes, and I could tell she was conflicted on whether to actually tell me what she was here to tell me. I knew I wasn’t going to like whatever it was.
“Just get whatever it is over with, Liz,” I tell her, trying to brace myself for it.
She gave me a sympathetic smile before she spoke. Then she hesitated before blurting out, “Austin…Austin is dating Tina.”
My heart sank even farther than it had when he stopped showing up, and now it felt like a baseball bat had been taken to it a few times. My memory flashed to one of the girls who were always fawning over him. I felt sick, and this time it wasn’t from the chemo.
“He sure does love me, doesn’t he?” I said bitterly.
Liz hugged me tightly. “I’m sorry. I really didn’t want to tell you. You don’t deserve that. He is such an ass,” she said, trying to comfort me.
“It’s not your fault, Liz. I’m glad you told me. I can’t even tell you when the last time he visited me was. I had a feeling something was amiss,” I admitted.
She pulled back from the hug and looked at me quizzically. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“At first I wasn’t sure how long it had actually been, and I have been so tired that I haven’t even wanted to think or talk about it.”
“Okay,” she said and jumped up abruptly. “Now I’m going to go kick his ass.” She stormed out of the room.
I didn’t doubt that she was going to go cause trouble on my behalf, and I loved her for it because I couldn’t do it myself right now.
I cried, feeling the betrayal even though I had known deep down for a while. It wasn’t as devastating as it would have been if I wouldn’t have gotten sick, or maybe the lack of devastation had to do with Kyle. It still hurt like hell, but it was also a relief. He was one less thing I had to worry about, one less heart I had to worry about breaking. Maybe that was why he broke mine before I could die and break his.
***
I’d been stuck lying here—since I couldn’t go anywhere anyway—thinking about Austin and our whole relationship. I thought devastation had found me, but it was just a bit delayed. The whole relationship—and all of the times that he’d told me he loved me—felt like a lie. My heart actually felt like it hurt and was cracking. Sobs exploded out of me, and I began shaking. The guy who was supposed to love me had left me. Who else was going to love a sick girl who had a strong possibility of dying?
***
Me: Did you kill him yet? WHERE IS MY ICE CREAM?
Liz: I screamed my head off at him and scared the crap out of him. CRAP! I failed my BFF duty!
I replied to that with a sad face before hiding under the covers again.
***
“Delivery,” Kyle’s voice rang as he appeared in front of me.
I gave him a confused look. He was holding a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
“Liz found me and informed me that you were in need of cookie dough ice cream,” he explained.
I knew what Liz was doing—sending Kyle to distract me—and the fact that she thought there was more going on with us than there was.
“You are my new best friend!” I declared, reaching for the ice cream.
“If I knew t
hat was all it took, I would have brought you ice cream a lot sooner,” he stated, grinning at me. My heart did a little flip, melting some of the devastation away.
The cold ice cream container felt good in my hands, and it distracted me from the heat that crept through me. Kyle handed me a spoon, and I dug into the ice cream. Cookie dough was my favorite, and Liz knew it. She was now forgiven for the fail of delivering bad news without ice cream. The ice cream melted in my mouth and tasted amazing. I hadn’t had ice cream in forever. I knew I would probably regret it later, but I didn’t care. Ice cream made everything better.
“Just don’t tell Liz. If she finds out she might try to kill you,” I partially teased. “Want some?” I tilted the container toward him.
“Sure,” he said before he took my spoon, scooped out a huge hunk, and ate it, eating after me without any hesitation.
I took the spoon back and ate another scoop, thinking about how the spoon had just been in his mouth and smiling.
“What?” he asked, clearly seeing something in my expression.
“Nothing,” I responded quickly, shoving more ice cream in my mouth.
A dark look came across his face when he spotted new bruises on my arm. He glared at them for a minute, tensing up before looking away. He avoided my gaze until he cleared the ominous look from his expression. I didn’t get why the bruises bothered him so much when he knew it was just a symptom, which couldn’t be controlled.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Kyle found me in the playroom; a nurse must have told him where I was. It was a good day, and I’d just needed to get out of my room. He showed up almost every day, and it still took me by surprise. I was still waiting for him to stop showing up like Austin had. He didn’t owe me anything, yet here he was.
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