“You’re inspiring, Blix.” His tone wasn’t joking anymore. He looked at me with this expression of naked appreciation that I noticed every once in a while. Saxon didn’t try to hide it when he looked at me that way. He clearly wanted me to see it.
“And I’m sure you make all of the girls burn with desire when you’re on the field.” I shrugged out of my jacket, finally completely broken under the heat torture. “At first I didn’t think soccer forward fit you, but it actually makes perfect sense. You’re the center of attention, calling all of the shots and having everyone worship you. Perfect.”
“Are you calling me a diva?” Saxon grabbed a pack of Tic Tacs from the assorted wrappers, empty cigarette packets, and crumpled papers scattered on the dash and offered them to me.
“I call ‘em like I see ‘em.” I accepted his tiny orange peace offering. “I would have been home ten minutes ago if I rode my bike.”
“Or you would have been dead. Bikes aren’t made for snowstorms.” He held out his hand so I could shake more Tic Tacs in his palm, and I did. “You’re kind of obnoxious.”
“Glad you think so.” I flipped the vents down and pointed the hot air at my feet. “Let’s not be friends.”
“Friends,” he scoffed and tossed the candies into his mouth. “We’re so similar, we should join alliances. The two most obnoxious people on earth would be a true force to be reckoned with.”
“We are not alike.” I really wanted to mean it.
He drove with one hand on the steering wheel, his head turned to look at me. “Why do you think we drive each other crazy? Why do you think there’s that certain something in the air whenever we’re around each other? We’re alike. We attract each other.” His voice was low and smoky in my ears.
I shook my head. “No.”
“It doesn’t matter what you say. It is what it is.” He lifted his hand from the steering wheel in a huge shrug. “Can’t help it. Trust me, I don’t like it any more than you do. I’m just not as good as lying to myself as you are.”
“I don’t lie to myself,” I lied.
We both laughed, and I realized two things at once. The first was that we were pulling into my driveway. The second was that I felt upset for some reason. Some part of me wanted more time with Saxon - the same Saxon who insisted he was just like me when we were worlds apart. Because I was sure we were and always would be worlds apart. Period.
Question mark.
I had my hand on the door handle before he’d even pulled to a complete stop. “Thanks.”
He killed the engine and reached for his handle.
“No.” I shook my head for emphasis.
“Yes.” He got out and headed to my side of the car, then opened my door. I felt a red flush creep up my face.
I hated having him on my own turf. Being a smartass with Saxon in class or his car was one thing. Now I was home, with the mother I loved, and I wasn’t sure how to act around him again. It also made me a little mad he was going to meet my mom and be an official guest before Jake got the chance. This was Jake’s spot, not Saxon’s, and that point of fact made me annoyed.
Or was it a point of fate?
I marched to the house, Saxon at my side, and Mom’s telltale curtain-fluttering sent my heart into overdrive. There was no script for this between me and my mother. Usually I would have asked permission to bring anyone over. I wasn’t used to being cavalier with my mom, and I was nervous about facing her disappointment. I was nervous she would interpret Saxon as something other than what he was. And I was most nervous she would approve of him, or possibly even like him and link us together in her head, in that place that already belonged to Jake, even if she didn’t realize it yet.
The snow coated my driveway and hid the shiny pieces of quartz gravel that usually made a bumpy white trek down the drive. I took Saxon through the garage entrance and came in to my mother’s open arms.
“No more bike.” She shook me by my shoulders gently before she hugged me hard. She turned to Saxon. Her look wasn’t exactly welcoming, but she wasn’t kicking him out either. “Thank you for driving Brenna home. We don’t usually allow her to drive with teenagers, but I understand this was an exceptional situation.”
I gloated at Saxon. I loved my mom’s crisp, scary voice. She could put any boy in his place, even if his eyes were black as sin and his smile made it feel like someone had grabbed a fistful of your stomach and was squeezing hard.
“I understand, Mrs. Blixen.” The voice that tumbled out of his mouth was modulated and humble. “I’m glad I could help Brenna out. Her friends have been worried about her biking home with the weather so unpredictable.”
I wanted to snort at his nonsense, but my mother’s look of approval made my throat stick. Saxon did not just charm my mother!
“Well, I appreciate your worry. We’ve felt it too.” She gave me another shake. “I’d love to ask you to stay…”
“Saxon Maclean, ma’am.” He stuck his hand out.
She shook it and looked disgustingly charmed. “We’d love to have you stay, Saxon, but this is not weather to be on the roads in. Do you need to use our phone to call your parents to tell them you’re on the way home?”
Saxon had parents? It seemed unthinkable.
“No, thank you,” said Impeccably Mannered Saxon. “I have a cell phone. It was so nice meting you, Mrs. Blixen.”
“Same here.” Mom seemed to revel in his thickly-laid-on crap. “I hope you can make it over for dinner sometime when the weather’s a little less freakish.”
“I’d love that.” He turned to me and gave me a sweet, friendly smile, while his eyes danced with devilish triumph. “I’ll see you in school tomorrow, Brenna. I might need to call you later for help with Government.” He looked at my mom, his eyes as innocent as two freshly picked blackberries. “Brenna has a real brain for government, and she’s one of the youngest in the class.”
I wanted to gag. Mom preened like a proud mama peacock. “Well, she’ll be home if you need help. She is very bright.”
“I think I know where she gets her brains from.” He smiled and winked. He actually winked! “Goodnight ladies.”
“Drive safely!” Mom called, looking all agog. I had to suppress a groan.
She went to her favorite crack in the curtains like a friendly sentinel. “He seems very sweet. And very gentlemanly.”
“Mmmhmm,” I murmured noncommittally.
“And he’s definitely got eyes for you, Bren,” Mom went on. Her eyes followed his sleek black car as it backed fluidly out of the driveway. “He’s really good looking. Almost too good looking. Is he your boyfriend?” Her voice was just on the edge of being nervous.
“No.” I paused. “We’re just friends. I think he has a thing for Kelsie.” It wasn’t completely a lie. He had had a thing for Kelsie.
Mom wrinkled her nose. “I don’t think so. Kelsie is sweet, don’t get me wrong. But she can’t hold a candle to you, honey.”
I gave Mom a weak smile and tried to think of some way out of this completely awkward conversation. “So, did you hear from the college?”
“I did!” she exclaimed. “I have a Tuesday/Thursday night class, but everything else is during the day.”
“That’s awesome, Mom.” I moved towards her to give her a hug. “Are you teaching something you like?”
She squeezed me hard then shrugged, flicking the curtain back with a jerk of her hand. “Art History 105 and 106. It’s nice to look at the whole timeline of art again. No complaints here.” She smiled at me, her blue-gray eyes crinkling prettily around the edges.
“I’m happy for you.” We watched the snow fall outside the windows in fat, beautiful flakes. “Do you think we’ll have a snow day tomorrow?”
“You never know. I just can’t believe we’re getting this much snow and it’s still early October! I can’t remember winter starting this early in years. Listen, I know you don’t like it much, but you’re going to have to start taking the bus, Bren.”
&nb
sp; “I’ll be home really late, though.” I bit my lip as my bike privileges slipped away before my eyes. I was positive I’d be able to ride right up to the beginning of December, but this freaky weather threw all of my best laid plans off.
“Why?”
“Tech drops off here after they loop Sussex and Vernon. I’m going to be on the bus for over an hour and a half.”
“What? That can’t be the only option!”
“That’s what it said in my packet.” I pointed to the packet on top of the fridge that Mom glanced through before school started. I was usually pretty good about filling her in on everything she needed to know, so Mom didn‘t drive herself crazy reading every letter from the administration.
“I can’t believe that’s the only option.” Mom flipped through everything with an angry shuffle. She found a phone number, but no one was there when she punched the number in. I guessed they left early with the snow. “Well, I know I don’t usually allow this, but that Saxon boy can take you back and forth. Just back and forth to school. He seems very responsible. Though he smelled like smoke. Does he smoke?”
I felt my panic subside. Mom hated nothing like she hated a smoker. “Yes. I had to tell him to put out his cigarette before he picked me up.”
“Well, as long as he never does it when you’re in the car, we’ll have to make do.”
Then Mom went filling pots with tap water in case we lost electricity and getting ready for dinner like it was any other night and she hadn’t just broken a half dozen of her own firmly set rules and told me to ride back and forth to school in Saxon Maclean’s black shark of a car as long as I made it clear he couldn’t smoke.
I opened and shut my mouth a few times and tried to come up with a logical argument, but I couldn’t will myself to argue for a bus ride that would eat up close to two hours of every afternoon. It would take about ten minutes to drive to school and back. Saxon couldn’t get under my skin if I didn’t let him.
Yeah, right.
I went to my room after we‘d eaten dinner and watched some television together, and excused myself by saying something vague about a lot of homework, but I tried Jake’s number as soon as I was behind my closed door. It went to his voicemail. I knew he was at work, probably doing something labor intensive and mundane in this horrible, freezing snow storm. I realized if I reached him just to complain and confess, I stood to make his work day suck even more than it probably already did. I couldn’t do that to him.
But I needed to talk to someone. Kelsie had wrapped her life completely around Chris, to the point where it was hard to talk to her about anything else, but that was actually okay with me. When Kelsie was paying attention, she was very perceptive, and there was way too much going on that I’d rather not have her know about.
Before I could think much more, my phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number that popped up, but something told me it was him.
“Hello?” My irritation grew when I heard the voice I’d anticipated.
“Blix, I really need help with that chapter on jury duty. I’m really confused.” Saxon chuckled softly. “Don’t be mad.”
“You’re a dirty liar.” I punched a throw pillow a few times, then flopped back on my bed.. “My mom thinks you’re some sweet friend of mine.” I kicked my backpack off the bed and onto the floor with one thrust of my leg. “You can’t just barge into my life like that.”
“I wasn’t barging.” His voice was all sweet coercion. “Listen, some girls would consider what I’m doing a modern form of chivalry. I truly do have your best interests at heart. If you get run off of the road, and I didn’t do anything to stop it…” He let his voice trail off expectantly.
“You’ll have no one to harass?” I put in edgily. “I just don’t want to play your games.”
“What games?” His voice sounded a little surprised. But I knew Saxon well enough to know that could just be a layer. Of a game. Ugh!
“I know you don’t have any actual interest in my health and well being…” I started, but he interrupted me.
“Look, that’s a load of crap.” Saxon was usually good about never letting anything ruffle him, but he definitely sounded ruffled now. “I don’t know why, and trust me, I wish I did know just so I could somehow stop it, but I can’t put you out of my mind. I know you’re doing your thing with Jake for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean I can just switch off what I feel. And that doesn’t mean I want to see you ride that piece of shit bike in a snowstorm.”
“It’s a great bike.” But my voice fell flat. I tried my best to absorb what he’d just said. “You could date anyone you wanted,” I said after a few long seconds.
“I know that.” His voice ground out irritably. “Don’t you think I know that?”
“Why don’t you?” I got up and looked out the window, staring into the vicious tangle of snowflakes that swirled outside my window. I worried about Jake working and getting home in this mess.
“Don’t you feel it for Jake?” he asked, his voice barbed. “Or are you just another conquest? You seemed pretty damn self-righteous about the whole thing a few days ago. Is that all gone?”
“No. I care about Jake. It’s not about physical stuff. I mean, it’s not only about that.” My face got hot just talking about it. I couldn’t stop myself. I knew I should just end the conversation as soon as possible, but something about Saxon’s honest, raw voice kept me on. I leaned my overheated face on the frosty glass of my bedroom window.
“I…Jesus Christ,” he muttered, then took a deep breath. “I care about you. I can’t even believe I’m having this discussion.”
“How could you care about me?” I was desperate to undo the thing he’d just done to us with four little words. My breath made a fogged patch on the glass.
The line was so quiet, I checked to make sure we were still connected. After another few seconds, his voice came through, crackling with frustration. “How could I not? It was first sight crap. I wanted you out of my system, and I’m still hoping that’s going to be the key, though I doubt it more and more every day I’m around you.”
“This doesn’t seem like a head game,” I ventured cautiously. I traced a heart in the circle of condensation on the window with my fingertip.
He snorted. “You guessed it, Blix. This is all part of my elaborate plan to be crowned prom king. C’mon. You think I like this? You think I haven’t tried to ignore you? You think I wouldn’t like to roll around with Karen Tanner? It just isn’t happening. And it’s because of you.”
“Karen Tanner?” I asked dumbly, picking the safest group of words in his confession to parrot. I pressed my palm to the window and blotted the heart out.
“Head cheerleader.” He took a deep breath and blew it all out in one long rush. “Hot and into me. But I can’t get serious with her. I can’t get you out of my damn head. It sucks.”
“I’m with Jake.” I clutched the phone so hard my hand shook.
“I know that. I’m not begging for you to dump him. I’m just explaining why I keep creeping around like some sad old pervert.”
That made me laugh. “I guess it would suck,” I conceded.
“Yeah.” His voice was hard.
We sat for a minute, and the quiet tempted us to say all those things that we weren’t really ready or able to say. Finally I broke through the swirl of unsaid emotions with a watered-down version of a few things I’d been thinking. “Let’s just be friends. Maybe you’re so used to getting girls to like you romantically that you think that’s what you want from me.” Where was this coming from? Probably mostly from the fact that he had softened me with all of his embarrassing confessions. And maybe there was a tiny sliver of plain attraction; not the intense amorous kind I felt for Jake, but an attraction, nonetheless.
“I think it’s a fairly shitty idea, but let’s try it. At this point, I’m willing to go along with anything.”
“Karen Tanner will be rolling around with you before you know it,” I promised. “There’s nothing p
articularly awesome about me, Saxon. Once I’m not so unattainable you’ll back off.”
“I hope so. Look, let’s go to Jake’s thing together and then we’ll all go to Folly. As friends.” He added an extra sneer to the last word, just for good measure.
I didn’t want to touch that offer with a ten-foot pole. “You and Jake aren’t really friends, though. Won’t it be really weird?”
“I’m sure he needs a ride there anyway. His old man isn’t going to bother to take him. There’s some unresolved stuff between me and Jake. Maybe it’s time to resolve it.”
“What is it that makes you hate each other?” It had bothered me since the movies, but I couldn’t get a thing out of Jake. Bringing up Saxon’s name practically guaranteed he would be in a foul mood.
“Mostly stuff we never said, misunderstood stuff. Nothing serious. Nothing I can’t smooth over.” The words were all cocky bravado. I heard a hint of uncertainty underneath them. As strangely attractive as Saxon could be when he was arrogant and swaggering, this weirdly human version was even more interesting. It was as if Saxon was peeling back a layer and letting me see something flesh and blood that he didn’t show to anyone else. I loved the sense that I shared some kind of secret with him.
“I still don’t think he’s going to be into you taking me to see him.” I tread carefully around his invitation. “I’m not really willing to upset him before a big race. It’s important to him.”
“Maybe you should talk to him about it,” Saxon challenged.
That’s exactly what it was. A pure challenge. He knew I was uncomfortable about it, and he wanted to call me out on my I’m nobody’s girl but my own rant.
“I will.” I realized just how easy it was for Saxon to manipulate me into doing what he wanted. It was not a pleasant realization. “I need to call him soon anyway. We have other things to talk about.” I just wanted the conversation with Saxon to be over. He made me think way too much, and it was unnerving. Talking to him wasn’t comfortable, even if it was exciting. I got off of the phone with him as quickly as I could, but I could hear the laughter in his voice as we hung up. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he enjoyed it.
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