Double Clutch

by Liz Reinhardt

  “Yeah.” Saxon stared at the tops of his shoes. “But if I hadn’t, who knows what stupid shit he would have gotten himself into? I shouldn’t talk; I exposed him to most of it. Whatever.”

  “You miss him.” The realization hit me like a bolt of lightning. “You don’t hate Jake at all. You miss him.”

  “We were friends since before pre-school. So, yeah, I miss him. But it’s easier this way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.” He looked at me and grabbed my shoulders. “Don’t screw with this, Blix. I’d like it if he didn’t out-and-out hate my guts, but I don’t want him to know the whole story. You’re the only one who knows, so I know whose ass to kick if it gets back to him.”

  But he didn’t hold me like he wanted to kick my ass. He rubbed his thumbs on my shoulders. Then he pulled me against him and pressed his forehead to mine.

  “We can’t do this, Saxon.” I could feel the pain radiating off of him in waves, and I wanted to still it for him. I wanted to hold him tight and tell him it would be okay. But if I did that, nothing would be okay again.

  “I know.” His hands pressed harder, until they bit into my shoulders, but I didn’t tell him to stop. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Jake. You’re so damn good for him.”

  “I really care about him,” I said, my breathing heavy. I could smell Saxon, and it was a musky, sharp smell that turned me on even though I didn’t want it to.

  “You’d be…you’d be so good for me, Brenna. Being with you, it would be a total game changer. Who knows what we’d be able to do?” His voice was so low I almost couldn’t hear him. “I’ve given up Jake. Now I have to give you up too?”

  “We can be friends.” I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t see the disappointment on his face.

  I knew he wanted to kiss me. I knew he wanted to do more than that.

  “I don’t want to be your God damn friend,” he said, pronouncing each word carefully.

  “That’s all there is for us,” I said, then pushed away hard and broke his hold on me. I didn’t have my jacket or my backpack, but I needed to get out of there. I saw my bike and bolted over to it.

  “Brenna, don’t be an idiot! Brenna! You don’t even have a coat on! Brenna!” Saxon screamed. I heard a long, loud stream of swear words, but it faded fast.

  I pedaled like a maniac, trying to keep myself from getting too cold. The faster and harder I pumped, the better I felt. I made it to Tech in no time. I was early, but not by much. I slammed into the school and ran to the cafeteria. I walked in and looked around at the students crowded at tables eating and joking. Jake sat apart from a group of kids, his arms crossed and his face sullen. He seemed to sense I was looking at him. His head snapped up and he kicked his chair back and strode over to me fast.

  “Brenna, you’re freezing.” He pulled his thermal off, popped it over my head, and rubbed his hands up and down over my arms. He had one of his threadbare tshirts on underneath. “What are you doing here so early?”

  And then I was crying, my face on his chest. Jake put his arm around me and walked me out of the crowded cafeteria where we were drawing way too much attention. He led me into a deserted stairwell and frantically pressed my hair back and shushed me. “What’s wrong, Brenna? Don’t cry, baby. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry!” I wailed. “I didn’t want to mess things up with you!”

  He pulled me into his arms and ran a hand from the crown of my head down my back. “Are you crazy? I messed things up. Don’t cry, shh.” He kissed me quickly, warmly. “Don’t cry, babe. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten all self-righteous on you. If you want to strip on a pole…well, I’ll stand guard with a gun, but I’ll support you. You haven’t made a fraction of the mistakes I’ve made. I’m the one with a screwed up perspective.”

  “That’s not true,” I said, though it was in a lot of ways. “But I have to tell you something, and I don’t know how.”

  “Just tell me.” His face looked so trusting. “Just tell me. There’s nothing I would be mad about. I promise.”

  I laughed shortly. “You can’t promise that, Jake. You can’t predict how you’ll react.”

  “Nothing you say is going to make me pissed off, okay?” He brushed his thumbs under my eyes, pushing away stray tears.

  “Saxon and I…” I started, unsure what exactly to say.

  Then I saw Jake’s eyes harden with a deep hate, much deeper than I’d anticipated. His hands on my arms tightened.

  “Jake, ow. My arms.”

  “Sorry. I’m so sorry.” He rubbed them, his eyes frantic. “What about you and Saxon?” His words were razor sharp.

  “He and I are in class together,” I began lamely. “And he told me you two were good friends.” Why did I back down again? I should tell him the whole truth!

  “I told you that.” The crazy gleam left his eye, and there he was again. It was such a relief to see his face looking so tender, I decided partial truth was the best I could manage.

  “But I think he wants to be friendly again. He wants you and him to get along. I think.” I wanted to tell him more. I wanted to pour my heart and soul out to him, but there was too much at stake, too much to lose.

  “Why were you so upset about that?” Jake dipped his head to look at me.

  “Because…” I was standing right on the line of truth and lies. I didn’t want to have Saxon come between me and Jake, but telling Jake might blow everything up. He needed to make peace with Saxon. “Because I don’t think Saxon likes me very much. And I think that’s standing in the way of him reaching out to you.”

  He looked at me for a long minute, and I expected him to call me on my bald lie and walk away. Instead he smiled. I looked at his adorable chipped tooth and thought of Saxon’s fist making it. “You’re so wrong.” Jake laughed. “Saxon likes you. A lot. A whole lot more than makes me comfortable, actually. I can see it in the way he looks at you. He’s not used to not getting what he wants. But you’re mine.” And the glint was back, this time not as maniacal, but still pretty damn unsettling.

  “Maybe we can just come to a truce?” I begged.

  “Whatever makes you happy,” Jake said with an easy smile. “C’mon out here. I’ve got a big surprise for you.”

  We left the school and went to the parking lot. Jake led me to a big blue truck with huge tires, chipped paint, a crack in the windshield, and a huge bench seat with a few obviously patched tears. I looked at it for a long minute, then remembered where I had seen it. It was one of the few pictures on Jake’s Facebook page.

  “Your truck? How did you get it here?”

  “I became a full time worker at Zinga’s last week.” He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and slid out a small plastic card. I took it from his hand and saw his face, looking uncharacteristically stern.

  “This is a license,” I said stupidly.

  “A farmer’s license,” he explained. “They only give it out if you can prove you work full time on a farm or your family operates one. That’s why I had to run in early yesterday. I wanted…” He ran a hand through his hair shyly. “I wanted to pick you up this morning, but I knew you were probably pretty pissed at me.”

  “Jake,” I breathed, and threw my arms around him. “I’m so happy for you. You’ve been dying for your license!”

  “I know.” He smiled that big dopey grin I loved. “It’s less than a month to my birthday, but I’m glad I got it a little earlier.” He pressed me up against the passenger side door. “I know you aren’t a bad girl…” His voice rumbled low in my ears. “But didn’t you say something about skipping school once in a while?”

  “Are you asking me to skip with you, Jake Kelly?” He smelled like clean soap, mint, sweat: Jake. I loved it. I couldn’t resist him. Just as easily as I’d pushed Saxon away, I pulled Jake in. “I think I will.”

  “Where’s your coat?” Jake pulled me around to the passenger’s side.

  “I left it at school.”

  Jake looked at me questio
ningly, but he didn’t press. “Well, let’s go and get it.” He helped me into the truck and got in on the driver’s side. It was sexy watching him drive. Jake was the kind of guy who was born to drive. It was probably genetically programmed into him to be an amazing driver, and he did it really well, like it was no big deal. We pulled around the school and he parked, hopped out, and threw my bike in the back. Then we drove to Frankford and Jake walked in with me. He handed me a hall pass.

  “Where did you get this?” I stared at the little green pass.

  “All county high schools use the same ones.” He smiled sheepishly. “I swiped mine from the front office at the beginning of the year.”

  I shook my head and filled them out. We shouldn’t have worried about it. The halls were empty. We headed down the back hall to my locker and were ready to leave two minutes later, when a familiar voice broke through our self-enforced quiet.

  “Hey Jake.” Saxon leaned lazily against the wall. His eyes flicked to me. “Blix.”

  It was like he’d appeared out of nowhere. Jake threw him a stony look.

  “We were just going, Saxon.” I shoved my arms into my jacket and grabbed my backpack from Jake’s hands. Jake had that weird Jekyll and Hyde gleam in his eye.

  “Wait. I’ve got something to say to Saxon first.” Jake stomped close to him. “Stay away from Brenna, you lying bastard.”

  Saxon didn’t even cringe, and Jake looked big and fierce.

  “I’m pretty sure Brenna can determine who she wants to be around for herself, Jake. Or don’t you trust her?” He looked at me, his smile menacing and gorgeous. “I mean, you two are always honest with each other, right? No lies. No half-truths.”

  “Shut your damn mouth!” Jake yelled and slammed Saxon up against the lockers. “You always had that ability, didn’t you?” He was right in Saxon’s face, and Saxon traded his lazy look for a predatory snarl. It was impossible to tell who was more furious. “You could turn any situation in your favor. You could make anyone swallow your bullshit and believe it was the truth. Not me, not anymore.”

  “You don’t know anything,” Saxon spat, shoving Jake back. All of his cool completely evaporated and was replaced by a boiling swell of emotions. “I watched your back, brother. I kept you out of trouble.” Saxon shoved Jake again.

  “You introduced me to every stupid thing I ever did.” Jake growled, grabbing a fistful of Saxon’s shirt and shaking him hard. “I should have lost you years ago. You’re a parasite.” Jake opened his hands and let Saxon go.

  After a few heavy breaths, Saxon’s cocky smile came back out. He straightened his shirt and shook the hair out of his eyes, then ran a look from my head to my toes that made a blush burn on my skin. “Whatever. But don’t think you’re going to tell me who to like or not. And we’ll let the lady decide in the end. Best man wins?”

  His look was all swaggering arrogance. I was torn between fear that he’d tell Jake the secrets we had and the urge to do it myself. I hated that he knew he had a stacked deck. Jake was furious, his fists balled.

  “Come on, Jake,” I willed him. “If a teacher finds us, we’re all screwed. Let’s go now.”

  “I’ll call you later, Brenna.” Saxon grinned and smacked his lips at me in a kissy face.

  Jake was at him in a split second, his fist flying through the air and straight into Saxon’s jaw. I heared the thick thud of skin and bone crashing against itself.

  “Jake!” I cried.

  Just then a teacher appeared at the end of the hall. “What’s going on down there?”

  Saxon stood up woozily and moved his jaw back and forth a few times. “Nothing. I was just headed to calculus.” He pointed up. Before he walked away, he spit a tooth on the floor.

  “You two, get a move on!” the teacher snapped, looking absently at our passes. I bent down and grabbed the tooth before he noticed it. We ducked into the stairwell, waited a minute, the slid out the side doors while no one was looking.

  Jake and I ran back to the truck. He still opened my door, though I would have preferred for him to step on it and rush a little.

  “Have you been talking to Saxon?” Jake asked, his voice cold.

  I sighed. It was truth time. “I want to tell you…”

  Jake cut in. “Never mind, Brenna. That’s exactly what Saxon would want. Me to doubt you.” He shook his head. “That prick. He knows what he’s doing five moves ahead of everyone else. Don’t even acknowledge I just asked you anything.”

  I clamped my mouth shut and held it shut. What else was I supposed to do?

  “You hit him really hard,” I said softly.

  “I’m sorry, Bren.” He leaned his forehead on the steering wheel and shook his head from side to side. “I dropped my basket. I know it. Are you alright?”

  “Sort of.” I felt tears prick my eyes. “I’ve never seen you just lose it like that.” I opened my fist. Saxon’s shiny white tooth was in my hand.

  “Saxon’s tooth.” Jake swallowed so hard I could see his Adam’s apple jump.

  “That was pretty Biblical of you, Jake.” We both looked at the white calcified piece of Saxon.

  “A tooth for a tooth. Holy crap.” Jake shook his head. “I guess I should just let it go with Saxon now. I’m sorry you’re in his classes. I’m sure I made this a shitstorm for you.” He pulled out and drove slowly, focused on the road and all the thoughts I’m sure were running through his head.

  I unclipped my seatbelt, slid to the middle, buckled the lap belt, and leaned against Jake’s upper body. He felt good and solid under my cheek. I dropped the tooth into the rusted ashtray.

  “Don’t worry. It will be fine.” I hoped it would be. I debated telling Jake about the government project, but I didn’t know if I should. I didn’t know if maybe I should just bury it with all of my other Saxon secrets. It was hard to know.

  We drove for a while and finally pulled into a local state park overlook. The lot was completely empty. Below us was the spread of trees, gold and red and orange in the afternoon sun. Jake turned the engine off and grabbed an old blanket from the back. He took my seatbelt off and made me lay down on his lap, my head nestled against the muscles of his thighs. He ran his hand along the lines of my face.

  “My race is in a few days,” he said in the quiet of the cab.

  “Are you excited?” I tilted my head to look up at his face.

  “Yeah,” he said, but his voice was a little dull for Jake. “I don’t really know if I’m ready.”

  “Maybe you should practice. Is that how it works?” I rubbed my hand under his shirt, along the hot, soft skin of his stomach.

  “Yeah.” He laughed, but it was muted. “But I don’t have a lot of time now. I’m bumped to full time at Zinga’s. Just getting the day off for the race was a big deal.”

  “So, no weekends together for a while?” My heart sank a little.

  “Sorry, Bren. But now I can drive you back and forth to school.” His palm scratched along my cheek, and I pushed my face against it.

  “Jake, I can’t take rides back and forth with you.”

  “Why?” His voice was clipped, because he knew the answer.

  I sighed. “Mom will not be cool with it. And you’ll be going out of your way. It’s too much time added on to your day.”

  His hand stopped for a few seconds, then he started rubbing my head. “You were pretty pissed at me when I said I didn’t want to go farther, uh, physically.”

  “Yeah.” I felt a deep hussy blush. “Sorry.”

  “You are not.” He looked down at me, his wide grin. “It’s okay, you don’t need to be. I should have been more sensitive about your feelings, and I wasn’t.”

  I sat up on one elbow and craned my neck to look at him. “This isn’t an apology, is it?”

  He shook his head and said, “Nope. It’s a point. If I’m going to try to respect your wishes even though it makes me uncomfortable, shouldn’t you do the same for me?”

  “So you want me to be cool with you getti
ng a lot less sleep and spending a fortune in gas?” I crossed my arms, annoyed.

  “Yeah, Bren. And I’ll try to be cool about you throwing yourself at me.”

  I slapped him on the arm, and he laughed. I sat up and twisted myself around so I was facing him, and then nestled myself on his lap, my legs on either side of him and my knees pressed on the worn seat. The steering wheel was close at my back, so I was squashed against Jake.

  “I’ll let you pick me up tomorrow.” I ran my finger down his nose and to his lips, then pressed on them to keep him quiet. “But you have to wait at the end of the road for me. I’m not going to have this fight with Mom. And I promise I will ask her if you can pick me up on Saturday.”

  He kissed my finger. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me,” I warned. “It’s a trade.”

  He closed his gray eyes and groaned. “What do you want?”

  “A lot of guys would be happy to have such a shameless girlfriend,” I balked.

  “Well, I’m not one of them,” he growled. “We don’t have to rush things. There’s plenty of time.”

  And behind his caution for me, I could see a caution for himself. It had never really occurred to me how nervous this all might make him.

  “Are you nervous?” Way to go, super-direct Brenna.

  “Maybe I am,” he said, his smile a little embarrassed. “When you’re drunk, you always have this feeling like you’re the man. But maybe I’m not the man, you know? Maybe it was all an illusion.” His hands moved up and down on my back, rubbing in wide circles through my hair and shirt.

  “I don’t have a lot of experience, but I think you’re better than your hype,” I said honestly.

  He kissed me softly. “Thanks. I want to be good for you.”

  “You are.” I pressed against him.

  “But?” he asked, his voice husky.

  “You could always improve. With practice.” I leaned my head to kiss him. My hair fell forward and brushed his face. His hands moved up my back and slipped up my neck then under my hair. He cradled my head, kissing me softly and surely.