“Fine,” Jason retorted, then a second later, “I know Derrick because I hired him. He works for me. He would’ve only been working on the campaign, but I had to send him out to find you after you decided to run away. He’s a private investigator, Alina. He’s been tailing
your ass for weeks, reporting back to me on your whereabouts. The only person in this room right now who doesn’t know him is you.”
I stumbled backward, feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach before my legs gave out underneath me. Derrick’s arms encircled me, stopping me from hitting the floor, but nothing could stop the flood of tears that sprang from my eyes. Everything I thought I knew was suddenly not real.
Memories flooded my brain at the painful realization that none of it was real. Derrick was just another puppet in the game that Jason played. I hated myself for thinking I had been free from him out in Cold Spring. I’d never been truly free. He was everywhere. I felt the heat from Derrick’s body and realized he was still holding onto me. I turned my head to look up at him and saw concern in his eyes.
“Are you alr—“ he began.
“Let me go! Don’t fucking touch me,” I screamed through sobs, pushing away from him. I wrestled away and took off running, grabbing the front hem of my dress so I didn’t trip.
“Alina!” I heard his voice call out behind me, but I didn’t stop running. The faces of the party blurred as I pushed my way through the crowds and out of the mansion. I needed to get out of there. As far away from everyone as possible. I didn’t slow down until I was halfway down the long driveway.
The air was colder than expected as cool ocean air breezed onto the property. Wind whipped around me, chilling me to the bone, but even that wasn’t enough to distract me. Hot tears poured down my face in rivulets as I remembered everything I’d just learned. Derrick was married and he worked for Jason. I felt like everything between us had been one big lie.
I thought back to how we met and how easily he had worked his way into my life. He seemed so genuine and unlike anyone else that I
never thought to question his motives. Maybe Jason was right. I was too naive for my own good. He’d been able to hire some guy to trick me into falling in love with him, just so he could keep tabs on me outside of home.
It was that thought that turned my stomach completely upside down and sent me running toward the bushes. I retched loudly, the contents of my stomach spilling at my feet. Over and over again, I heaved until there was nothing left to throw up. I cried out loudly, collapsing on the ground, a mangled sound of pain and regret leaving my body.
Everything hurt. I felt like someone had ripped my chest open and yanked my heart from my body. I was a punchline in a horrible joke.
I had fallen in love with someone who had been hired to play games with me. This was something entirely different and unfamiliar. I’d never loved anyone before Derrick. And the crushing pain of these revelations wrecked me to my core.
I heard fast footsteps and looked up to see him approaching me. Angrily, I wiped the tears from my face and stood to walk away.
“Alina don’t,” he called out.
“Stay away from me.”
“Please, don’t go. Just wait.”
“Just leave me alone,” I sobbed as my vision blurred again from the tears..
“Please talk to me,” he begged, “Let me explain.” He caught up to me and slowed to walk at my pace. He reached for my hand and I pulled it away, his touch feeling like fire against my skin.
“Don’t. Fucking. Touch me,” I bit out.
“Alina, dammit. Just listen to me!”
I said nothing. Only sniffed back my tears and kept walking. I didn’t care what he had to say. I wouldn’t talk. I had nothing to say to him anymore.
“Fuck!” he shouted, his voice disappearing into the night without an echo back.
My eyes were trained on a spot up ahead where all of the vehicles were parked. Silently, I prayed that someone would be there to take me back home. I needed to get away from all of this. There was no way I could go back to the party now.
He walked alongside me, not saying anything for awhile. I didn’t bother wiping the tears away. Instead, I let them fall freely. The wind was starting to pick up more and I was beginning to get cold. I hugged myself, trying to trap some of my body heat. Praying again that someone would take me out of here.
“Are you cold?” he asked, his timid voice a contrast to how he’d just shouted. I didn’t respond. I was trying to ignore him altogether, but he was making it difficult. He sighed, shrugging out of his suit jacket and placing it around my shoulders.
I shifted out of it, picking up my pace. I didn’t need or want anything of his.
“Alina, for fucks sake. Take the jacket. Be mad at me all you want, but don’t torture yourself by freezing.”
I halted in place, not turning to face him or look in his direction at all as he put the coat on me, buttoning it up so it would stay on my shoulders. It was much too large for my small frame and I was swimming in it, but it did help. I was marginally warmer than before and surrounded by his scent. That familiar sweet earthy smell of his was all over the jacket. My chest burned remembering how much I loved his smell.
I closed my eyes tightly, trying to quell the building frenzy of emotion that wanted to pour out of me. Why had I fallen in love with him?
I hated myself for it.
“Please just listen to me. You don’t have to say anything, just listen,” he begged. Again, I was silent, but I didn’t move so he kept talking, “I should have told you. I should have told you everything the moment I realized we were crossing the line. Lindsey is technically still my wife. We got married really young and it was always a really volatile relationship, but she wouldn’t divorce me no matter how many times I tried to leave.
“Back when I was a cop, I got roped into participating in some dirty dealings with drug enforcement. We would raid houses and do drug busts all the time and each of us would take a cut of the money before bringing it in to evidence. I was young and stupid and we were struggling, so the money helped. Lindsey knew all of this and anytime I threatened to leave, she threatened to turn me in. So I started doing private investigating work. I used the drug money to start my business and have been trying to buy my way out of my marriage. She won’t divorce me until I give her at least five hundred thousand dollars.”
I gulped, listening to him spill his secrets. There was a pang in my heart, sensing how wounded he was telling me all of this. But it was too much. Everything that Jason said or implied, what Derrick was saying to me, and my confusing emotions were an overwhelming thunderstorm and I didn’t think I could survive it all.
“That’s why I fought so hard against getting close to you, being intimate with you,” he continued, “when I left her, I told myself I wasn’t going to be with anyone until I was completely free from her. But you changed me Alina. I tried so hard to fight my feelings for you, but it was too late. I fell in love with you.”
“Is this the hired man or the married man talking? It’s hard to figure out which one is which.” I bit back, feeling the anger rising in me again. My feet moved again and I walked to the nearest limousine, not caring if he followed or not.
I convinced a driver to take me back to my house. He might’ve done it only because there was no way I could actually go back to the party. My makeup had streaked down my face, my hair had started to curl from the salty ocean air, and I had traces of vomit, dirt and tears on my dress. But I didn’t care.
Derrick came with me, but he didn’t offer any more explanations or pleas of forgiveness. For that, I was grateful. I did my best to ignore his presence, but his large frame was domineering. I glanced over a few times and saw the heartbroken stare on his face as he looked out the window. It was dark now and there was nothing to be seen, but he stared out into it anyway.
At the manor, one of the maids, Helga, let us in. She looked horrified to see me standing there in the shape I was in, but I tried to brush it off,
“Please let my parents know I had to leave the party because I felt sick. I’m going to my room.”
“Will do ma’am,” she replied softly.
I took off my heels and carried them as I ascended the stairway to my bedroom. Derrick’s footsteps echoed off the walls behind me, so I knew he was close, but I didn’t bother looking back as I slipped into my room and locked the door behind me.
TWENTY | Alina
Sunlight shafted into my bedroom. I watched tiny bits of dust float and twist in the light while laying perfectly still in my bed. I was huddled deep within my comforter, half buried in the large cloud of fabric. My body ached. My head spun. I wondered for a second if the night before had been just a really bad nightmare or not.
Glancing at the chaise lounge in the corner of the room, I saw the champagne colored frock I’d worn to the party. Brown and green smudges on the bottom and a telltale sick spot where I’d thrown up and missed told me that it hadn’t been a nightmare. It was all too real.
I closed my eyes tightly, letting the tears spill down the sides of my face. Remembering it all in brilliant clarity brought back a fresh wave of sadness. The realization that the man I had fallen for was nothing more than a player in Jason’s sick mind games was too much to deal with. I half-understood why he had been hired and why he was following me, but I didn’t understand why he’d made himself known in the first place. Why hadn’t he just stayed far away from me and observed me from a distance? Why had he kissed me? Made love to me?
He told me he loved me and I believed him.
Never in my life had I felt so stupid and taken advantage of. No wonder my family loved him so much. He was one of them. They had to know he was working for Jason.
I sat up, orientating myself in the room. My stomach felt hollow and sore, another reminder of the horrendous night I’d endured.
Glancing at the clock, I noted it was still early. I doubted anyone would be awake at this hour.
The idea came in fast, like a proverbial light bulb illuminating over me. I moved quickly, getting out of bed and getting my things together. It was a Sunday. The trains only operated early in the morning.
If I made it to the station within the next hour or so, I could catch a train and be out of this town in no time.
Within fifteen minutes, I had a duffel bag packed and ready with a few essentials. I’d only brought a few items with me and I had nearly everything I needed at my apartment, so I didn’t need to pack much.
One last check of my room and I closed the door behind me with a click.
My feet paused outside of the guest room that I assumed Derrick was sleeping in. Pressing my door to the ear, I didn’t hear any sounds of him being awake or even in the room at all. I briefly thought about waking him up and telling him that I had left, but just as quickly as the thought came, it left again. Derrick wasn’t on my side. He was one of them. And I was determined to leave all of this behind.
a
Hours later, Rosa’s voice stirred me out of my sleep, “Cariña, wake up honey.” Her voice was soft, soothing and familiar, but I tensed, wondering if she was part of Jason’s plan too.
“Hey Rosa,” I said groggily, sitting up in bed.
She reached forward and brushed my hair back from my face,
“How are you feeling, mama?”
“Not good,” I grumbled, “What are you doing here?”
She sighed, “Derrick called me and told me everything. When he woke up and you were gone, he begged me to come check on you.”
I rolled my eyes, “Which version of the truth did he give you?
The one where he was married or the one where he was hired to trick me into believing he was in love with me?”
“Aw pobresita, he told me the truth. All the nitty gritty details.”
My eyes rolled yet again, “Are you one of Jason’s henchmen too?” I didn’t want to waste time tiptoeing around it. I needed to know who was genuine and who was not.
She recoiled, “Un momento Alinita! Do I look like someone who would ever be part of some esquema like that? I cussed Derrick all the way out for getting involved with you that way. It was wrong.”
I sank a little further into the pillows, “Lo siento, Rosa. I’m sorry, ”
I sighed, “I just feel so violated and stupid.”
She gave me a sad smile that told me she understood what I was saying, “But you’re not stupid, Alina. Derrick was just doing his job and he was damn good at it. He even had me fooled and I don’t like or trust anyone.”
I fell back against the pillows, feeling the urge to cry again,
“Rosa, he told me he loved me.”
“I know, cariña. I know.”
“And I loved him too. Hell—I still love him. But I hate him so much for all of this.” My hands flew to cover my face as the tears fell again.
Rosa didn’t speak for awhile. She just softly rubbed my arm and let me cry. I wondered how long I’d be crying over this and if there
would ever be a time I wouldn’t feel such overwhelming sadness over him and what he’d done.
“You know,” Rosa started, her voice cracking slightly, “when Ricardo left me, I was devastated. I felt as if I couldn’t pick myself up off the floor for months. But eventually, I found a way to do something small each day that made it hurt less. Every day, I did one extra thing that helped dull the pain. I won’t lie and say it won’t hurt again, Alinita. It will just become manageable. Some days it will consume you. Others it will be so small, you can fold it up and stuff it in your pocket. Just trust that it will get easier.”
I hoped she was right. The pain of losing Derrick and feeling betrayed by him at the same time was excruciating. She stayed with me for a little while longer, and then excused herself as I drifted off to sleep.
a
I stayed that way for awhile. Actually, I stayed that way for two weeks. I didn’t bother getting out of bed unless absolutely necessary.
Those necessities only included getting more tissues to cry into and using the bathroom. I didn’t shower. I didn't get dressed. I spent most of the time wearing nothing in the bed, only occasionally throwing on sweats if I was cold. I wouldn’t have done a thing if Rosa hadn’t sent over a staff of people to take care of me.
She sent her chef over three times a day to prepare meals and bring them to my room. Her cleaning staff came through every other day to straighten up, although there were no messes to clean, and they kept a rotation of fresh flowers to ‘liven up the place’ as she’d said when I asked her about it.
I was barely existing. My phone was off because I didn’t want to hear from anyone. And no one showed up either. That, I was glad about.
By now, I was sure my family knew where I lived. I didn’t know what I would say if anyone came by.
The fog started to clear around day sixteen. For about ten minutes, I didn’t think about Derrick. Or Jason. Or being followed, Derrick’s wife, betrayal or any of that stuff. I woke up, mid-day, and my body felt good. I stretched and rolled over and had the urge to go outside and see the people of the town I’d grown so fond of in the last few months.
I sat up and looked around. Rosa’s staff had brought in a fresh bouquet of peonies in a brilliant hot pink hue. They definitely livened up the room. The bouquet had a bunch of complementary flowers that reminded me of berries and my mouth watered at the thought of it. I padded downstairs to see if there were any in the house.
To my surprise, the chef had a large bowl of fresh strawberries, blueberries and blackberries in the fridge. I happily munched on them, leaning against the counter. The staff had left another bunch of flowers on the island. These ones were light pink dahlias that looked delicate and pretty in a round glass bowl.
I was running my fingers over the petals and chewing a blueberry when it hit me again. Gut-wrenching, consuming grief.
Realization after realization waved over me in a relentless ocean of pain.
I breathed hard through my nose to try and keep the
tears at bay. My eyes landed on my purse resting on a far ledge, my cell phone overturned in front of it.
The phone was ringing in my ear before I was aware of what I was doing. And Derrick’s voice came over the line before I could hang up.
“Hello?”
I exhaled slowly.
“Alina? Is that you?”
I inhaled sharply, hearing my name on his lips.
He waited, letting silence fill the airwaves for a few moments before speaking again, “I’m sorry.”
That broke me again, “Why me?”
“Are you home?”
I hesitated, “Yes. I’m home.” Whether he knew which home I meant, I didn’t know.
“Let me in?” he asked.
I looked up toward the front door, “You’re here?”
“I’ve been here. Every day. I keep hoping you’ll talk to me.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, hearing the desperation in his voice.
Losing Her (Lost and Found Book 1) Page 21