by Lucy Daniels
‘It doesn’t really matter what I think,’ she said, trying to phrase it so he could understand. ‘I want to know whether you like him.’
‘Oh.’ He frowned for a moment, then his face cleared. ‘It was good the day we went to see Mandy,’ he said. ‘Daddy loved Frostflake. He helped Mandy with the hand-signals. They talked about him lots … and he asked about Marmalade too.’
Susan felt a small wave of guilt. She had been busy talking to Douglas. She had missed an important interaction between Michael and Jack. Catching herself, she looked at Jack and shoved the feeling back down. No use in regret. She must learn from the mistakes she’d made and move on.
‘That’s good,’ she said. ‘And what else?’
This time, Jack looked troubled and dropped his eyes. ‘I didn’t like it when you and Daddy were shouting,’ he admitted. He didn’t look at her as he spoke. What was he thinking? she wondered. Did he feel it was somehow his fault?
‘I’m sorry.’ Susan looked at him directly. She had to lift that weight from him. ‘Daddy and I disagreed about something, but we should have sorted it out without shouting. If there’s anything else, we’ll do better next time, okay?’
Jack lifted his head. His eyes brightened. ‘So will we see Daddy again soon?’ he asked.
That settles it then … Susan nodded. ‘It does depend on Daddy, but I’ll see what I can do,’ she said.
Throughout the afternoon, she had surges of doubt about how she was going to handle Michael. Each time, she reminded herself of her reaction with the cows. This was all about Jack. When it really mattered, she could and would protect him. She thought on and off about Miranda too: calm and controlled and making perfect sense. Susan had to stop worrying about what Michael might think and say what she needed to say.
She felt a little breathless as she put Jack to bed. She went down, made herself a cup of decaffeinated coffee, then popped back up to check on Jack. He was sound asleep. Slowing her breathing, she made her way downstairs again, sat down at the kitchen table and picked up her mobile.
She had thought hard about her approach. Michael had come round without telling her. She’d had no time to prepare for the conversation. She wasn’t going to do the same to him. She typed in a message. We need to talk about Jack. Can we discuss when would be a good time please? Susan.
She half expected a text in return. Part of her wanted the discussion in writing. She could have sent an e-mail so she would have a chance to edit in exactly what she wanted to say, but if she and Michael were going to see one another, she had to know she could speak her mind. She had always worried about his reactions. If she couldn’t say what she needed to, if he refused to meet her halfway, it would make the situation impossible. But she had to make a start. Her hand was shaking a little as she lifted her coffee and took a sip, but she ignored the tremor. She set the cup down on the table as her mobile rang. She lifted it from the table. Michael’s number. She took a deep breath, pushed her shoulders back and clicked ‘Accept’.
‘Hello, Susan. So what did you want to talk about?’ His tone was matter-of-fact.
Susan had spent half the day considering what she wanted to say. Start as you mean to go on, she reminded herself.
‘I want to discuss Jack and the future,’ she said. ‘Jack wants to see you, but it upset him a lot when we argued. We have to talk about how we make this work for him, assuming …’ she had been about to say assuming you want to try, but she stopped; it was too dismissive, ‘… assuming you and I can find a good way forward,’ she amended. She sat back in the chair, making herself relax. ‘So first off, I’d like to know what you wanted to say when you came round the other day.’
It felt daring to be so direct. In the old days, she would have apologised for what Miranda had said, but she wasn’t going to do that. He had earned every word.
‘Okay,’ Michael said slowly. ‘Well, I actually came round to apologise.’ He cleared his throat, as if he was also finding his way.
‘What did you want to apologise for?’ Susan asked. It felt almost rude to be so forthright. When did I get so timid? she wondered.
‘I wanted to say I was sorry for what I said about Douglas on the phone,’ he said. ‘And about saying I would take you to court. I want you to know I have no intention of doing that.’ His voice was a little stiff, as if apologising didn’t come easily, but he sounded genuine.
‘Thank you for your apology,’ Susan said. ‘I would hate Jack to have to go through that.’
She was gripping her mobile hard. Consciously, she loosened her grip. What else? I should have written down everything I wanted to say …
‘About Douglas,’ she went on. ‘I want to be sure that in future, you understand fully. Even if you and Jack have a relationship, nothing is going to happen between you and me. And it is my responsibility to vet the people in Jack’s life when he’s with me. If I choose to have a relationship with someone, you have no say.’
She couldn’t be much clearer than that, she thought. Long silence. Michael seemed taken aback by her directness, but she could feel her confidence growing.
‘I’ll make sure that’s not a problem in future,’ he said. Another pause, then he went on. ‘I’m sorry about the way I came across. It wasn’t just about Douglas himself, though I admit I was a bit jealous. But you said when we were rowing that you weren’t seeing him any more. I felt you’d lied to me.’
Susan took a deep breath. She had prepared herself for this. ‘I’m sorry if you thought that,’ she said. ‘When I was at your house, I didn’t think I would be seeing him again, but afterwards it worked out differently.’
‘Oh.’ Michael cleared his throat again. ‘So it was a misunderstanding?’ He sounded a little unnerved again at her direct tone. She tried to imagine what he was doing. Would he be pacing up and down? He’d always done that during difficult phone conversations. ‘For what it’s worth,’ he went on, ‘I do trust your judgement. I know you wouldn’t invite anyone into the house if it was bad for Jack. I see that now.’
Susan felt her confidence surge again. So far, so good. She could hardly believe the way the discussion was going.
‘I wanted you to know, I heard what your mother said.’ Michael’s voice was very even. Had he been thinking about everything he wanted to say as well? ‘I put you on the spot with Jack, inviting both of you back to the house,’ he said. ‘I was jumping the gun and it was wrong. I was thinking about myself …’ He paused for so long that Susan almost jumped in, but she stopped herself. She wanted to hear what he had to say. ‘It was partly about my relationship with my dad and how I wanted it to be with Jack,’ he said finally. ‘I had the idea I was offering a wonderful home for both of you. I had this perfect picture in my head and assumed you and Jack would feel the same way. I got carried away. I should have asked what you wanted. I’m sorry I didn’t. I’ll try to make sure I don’t do it again.’
Another apology. Susan had expected resistance, but he seemed impressed by her firmness.
‘Your mum also thought I’d come round at random,’ he said. ‘She said Jack could easily have seen me, but I knew he was out. He was at a birthday party. You’d said so on the phone. I really wasn’t trying to see him. I knew we needed to talk first.’
Huh. That’s much better than I gave him credit for, Susan thought, feeling slightly shocked. She guessed she’d misjudged the situation, much like he had with Douglas.
‘There’s something else I’ve been thinking about.’ Michael’s voice was serious. ‘I know there’s a chance you won’t want me to see Jack again, and I will respect whatever you decide, but I’ve been neglecting my responsibilities and I want to correct that.’
Susan frowned. What was he talking about now? Was he going to propose sending a backlog of presents for all the birthdays and Christmases he’d missed? That would complicate things.
‘I’ve calculated how much maintenance I should have provided over the years. I have written a cheque and I will post it tomorrow.’ H
e paused, as if searching for the right words, though he had taken Susan’s breath away. ‘You told me back then that you wanted nothing from me,’ he said. ‘And if you still don’t, that’s completely fine. But I really want to do the right thing. I will be sending you a cheque every month from now on. It’s up to you whether you choose to bank it or not. I want to be a better father to Jack, and this is something I can do that he doesn’t have to know about.’
Susan felt as if all the breath had been knocked out of her body. Maintenance? She had never sought it. She had told him she wanted nothing, but it would have made such a difference if he’d helped. Now here he was, stepping up.
Michael was speaking again. ‘The maintenance is yours to take or not,’ he said, ‘but I’ve also started to put some additional money aside for Jack, for when he’s older. I can pay that into an account of your choosing as well, but again I’ll leave it up to you. There are no strings attached and if you want something that says so in writing, we can discuss that as well.’
Shock after shock. Susan held herself in. Every instinct was telling her to gush her gratitude. She should thank him. Of course she should. There was no doubt the money would be more than welcome, if she chose to take it. But she still felt the need to tread carefully, to test his assertion that there were no strings.
If he really means it, he won’t mind that, she thought.
‘Thank you,’ she said. It was heartily said; it felt enough. Her mind was working overtime. Did she want to take him up on his offer of something in writing? It seemed so formal, but maybe it’d be for the best. She shook her head to clear it. She had started this conversation because she wanted to work out how Michael and Jack might come together. Michael had knocked the wind out of her sails with his suggestion, but for once she didn’t feel like he’d done it on purpose.
‘So what about Jack himself?’ she asked. ‘How do you want to go forward? Have you enjoyed seeing him?’
A wry laugh came down the phone. ‘It sounds corny to say it,’ he said, ‘but I was really nervous of meeting him. I was worried he wouldn’t like me, but he’s a wonderful boy. It was amazing to see him playing with Mandy and that little deaf kitten. You must be very proud of him.’
‘I am,’ Susan admitted. She felt as if so much weight had been lifted from her that she was floating. ‘So would you like to see him again?’
‘I really would … so long as it’s okay with you,’ Michael said. Susan couldn’t help smiling to herself. The newfound consideration still sounded a little as if it was an afterthought, but he was definitely making an effort.
This was something else Susan had already considered. ‘If you’d like,’ she said, ‘you could come and see Jack in the Nativity play on Saturday evening in the church. Starts at seven.’
‘That sounds great.’ Michael’s voice was firm. ‘Thank you very much for getting in touch. Will I see you there as well?’
‘I’ll be there,’ she assured him. ‘You and Jack can have a chat afterwards. I’ll tell him you’re coming.’
‘I’ll look forward to it.’
Susan sat back in her chair as Michael ended the conversation. It had gone so much better than she had expected.
The offer of maintenance took her breath away, and she felt a little dizzy as the idea sank in. She had always managed on her own wage, and she had been proud of managing all these years, but it hadn’t been easy. She would have to give it some thought. If Michael really wanted to be a proper part of Jack’s life, it made sense that he was making the offer.
She felt properly buoyed up. In the past, she had been far too worried about what other people might think. But from now on, she was going to be more positive and pro-active. Being firm and forward seemed to suit her. Maybe, just maybe, she should start to go for what she wanted in life, instead of waiting and hoping.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
‘This is so exciting!’ Mandy beamed at Susan as she met her at the door of Hope Meadows. ‘Are you ready?’
‘I hope so …’ Susan had barely been able to sleep with nerves. She felt like a substantial bird was swooping around her stomach.
Mandy led her inside. ‘You can wait in the kennels,’ she said, pushing open the door only to be met by a volley of deafening barks. Bounce the dog was living up to his name and leaping up and down whilst he bellowed his welcome.
Mandy hushed him, opening the kennel. He launched himself towards her, with whines and licks. ‘Oh Bounce,’ Mandy sighed, ‘what are we going to do with you?’ She looked up at Susan. ‘I have no idea what we’re going to do with him. He barks when he’s happy, when he’s sad, when he’s bored … I’ve never met a louder dog in my life!’
As if on cue, Bounce let out a huge bark.
Susan laughed. ‘Fingers crossed that someone hard of hearing wants a dog,’ she said.
Mandy pulled a dental chew stick out of her pocket. ‘This should keep him quiet for a bit.’
Bounce took the stick and bounded around his kennel before settling down with it at the back.
There was the sound of a car pulling up outside. ‘Off I go.’ Mandy grinned.
Susan shivered despite the warmth in the kennels. She caught sight of herself in one of the glass doors. Her cute black top was concealed by her coat, but her slim-fit jeans and new cowboy boots looked nice. She avoided looking at her face, with her developing black eye. I’m ready for this, she told herself.
She heard the door opening and Mandy’s voice, clear and bright. ‘Thanks for coming,’ she said. ‘I know it was short notice. We just need to get a couple of quotes and a photo for the website. Our local business people page, as I said.’
‘Just as well I dressed up for the occasion then …’ It was Douglas’s voice. He and Mandy walked in and Susan stepped out to greet them.
‘Hi,’ she said.
Douglas was indeed dressed up. His smart-but-casual black and blue lumberjack shirt was open at the neck. A pair of black jeans accentuated his slim hips and long legs. His hair was back to its wild spikes. He looked gorgeous. A surge of hope and longing cascaded through Susan, leaving her breathless.
He stopped. His eyes opened wide and he stared at Susan. Shock quickly turned to concern and he frowned. ‘What happened to your face?’ he asked.
Susan grinned to dispel his worry. ‘Sorry if it’s frightening,’ she said. ‘I had a fight with a gate up at Wildacre! If I’m being completely honest, it was Mandy’s fault.’ She rolled her eyes in mock exasperation.
Mandy laughed. ‘She’s quite right,’ she said. ‘My gate, definitely my fault.’
Douglas looked from Susan to Mandy and back again and shook his head. ‘What are you two on about?’ he said. ‘And more to the point, what are you up to? Are you setting us up again, Mandy Hope?’
‘Me?’ Mandy raised her hands, her eyes wide. ‘Nothing to do with me.’
Susan raised a cool eyebrow, though her heart was racing. ‘Actually it was my idea this time,’ she said. ‘I’m taking you on a surprise date. If you have any objections, speak now. Otherwise you’d better hold your peace.’
Douglas’s lips twitched as if he wanted to smile, but then he pulled a mock-grave face, took a deep breath, puffed out his cheeks and raised his eyes to the ceiling as if he was considering it. He let out a deliberate-sounding sigh, then stared at Susan, his head on one side and shrugged. ‘What happens if I do object?’ he asked. ‘Will Mandy black my eye too?’ He cocked his head, looking from Susan to Mandy.
Mandy looked outraged. ‘I haven’t blacked anyone’s eye,’ she declared, ‘but if you want to go get my cows in from the field in the face of a raging storm instead of going on a lovely date with my good friend here, you might be lucky enough to get one.’
Douglas looked again at Susan. ‘Was that what happened?’ he asked. ‘Did one of the cows run into you?’
‘Something like that,’ Susan admitted. He still hadn’t answered, she thought. Was he playing hard to get? She put her hands on her hips. ‘Yo
u haven’t answered my question. Will you come out this evening or are we going to stand here all night?’
Douglas shook his head slightly. He looked half pleased, half bemused, but he held out a hand. ‘Lead on, Macduff,’ he said.
Susan took his hand. ‘I think you should know that’s a misquote,’ she said. ‘It should be “Lay on, Macduff.” He’s inviting Macduff to continue fighting.’
‘Really?’ Douglas stopped. A look of amusement danced in his eyes. ‘Well, in the circumstances, maybe that’s quite apt …’ He grinned his watermelon grin and nodded. ‘Go to it, Susan,’ he said.
Susan led him out to her car. Her heart was singing as she put in the clutch. As she drove off, she could hear Bounce’s barking start up again, as if he was cheering her on.
Douglas’s eyes were wide as they pulled up in a sloping field halfway up the valley a few minutes later. There seemed to be hundreds of cars standing in lines on the grass. Susan climbed out of the car and closed the door. The weather seemed finally to have turned. Stars filled the sky. There was a touch of frost in the breeze that lifted Susan’s hair and cooled her warm cheeks.
‘Where are we?’ Douglas was out of the car as well and was looking round in the darkness. The moon was full and its silvery light shone over the sleepy rooftops that huddled in the valley. Christmas lights twinkled from the gables and windows of the tiny houses. ‘Wherever it is, it’s beautiful,’ he said.
‘Burnside Farm,’ Susan said as she walked round the bonnet of the car to stand beside him. ‘Bert Burnley bought it a few years ago from Mr Matthews that used to farm here. He uses the land for grazing and takes his stock down to Riverside for the winter months. Every year he holds a Christmas Barn Dance in what used to be the cubicle shed.’
‘Sounds wonderful!’ Douglas sounded pleased. As they made their way across the duck boards that covered the wet grass, strains of music began to reach them.
The barn was packed. Looking round, Susan felt as if half of Yorkshire had come to Welford to dance. Streamers and lights had been strung around the walls. Somewhere near one end, there was a band playing. Voices laughed and whooped. Douglas looked round the hall, then leaned in to shout in her ear. ‘Wow!’ he said. ‘I’d no idea it would be such a big occasion.’