by Jules Dixon
“Lookin’ forward to it.”
His bright white smile beamed. “You deserve to be happy, Holt.”
I stood and stepped to him. “I am happy, now that I have you and I’m not hiding behind something that never really existed. I didn’t realize the weight of keeping my truth from my family.”
“I saw the moment that weight slid off. There really isn’t anything more beautiful in the world than you letting your real feelings show.”
“I’ve been hiding more than the fact that I’m gay. I’ll try to be better at being genuine.”
“That’s all I ask, but if your mama asks, that’s not me changing you, right?” Oliver moved chest to chest with me.
I pulled his forehead to mine. “No, that’s me wantin’ to be the man you deserve.”
“Holt Jamison, I love you and I’m ready for our lives to start together.”
“I love you, too. You think you’d ever be interested in moving in here … with me?” I’d wanted to ask the question all day.
He didn’t hesitate. “I’d love to. The lease is up on my place in three months.” Oliver looked around. “My mother will beg to decorate this place.”
“I’d like to meet her soon.”
“Definitely. She’ll probably swoon all over herself. I’ll set up a dinner this week.”
“Invite her out here for dinner.” My shoulders tensed and I rolled my neck, the past returning in weird ways.
“Hey, whatever you’re feeling, don’t. My mother knew my orientation probably before I was born. She always said I was a ‘dancing queen’ in her belly. I just surprised her a little by liking both sides of the throne.”
The fact that Oliver noticed my physical change only confirmed he was the right guy for me. That’s what I needed—someone who could keep me real and grounded.
My hands held his face and a thumb traced his silky lips. “I’m sorry Mama rambled ‘bout God and His plans for children.”
Don’t freak-out, please.
Oliver raised his shoulders as his arms rounded my waist. “Someday maybe we’ll talk about the subject but there’s plenty of time. I get off at six p.m. tomorrow.”
Thank God, yes, plenty of time.
“I’ll see you after that. Monday night football, and I’ll order some pizza.”
Oliver’s mouth perked up on one side. “Jamison, shit, I wish I could stay and celebrate.”
“You could stay for a little while.” I wiggled my eyebrows.
“I’m pretty sore from earlier and last night.”
“Yeah, I figured. Me, too. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. Makin’ love to you is my favorite thing to do.”
“I hope you’re not becoming addicted to me.”
“If this is what addiction feels like, then I’ll gladly commit myself to a lifetime of bein’ pulled under your influence, Ollie.”
“Shit, Jamison, you just made me get hard with one heartfelt sentence. You don’t know how much I worried I’d broken us permanently over in Afghanistan and you’d never be mine again.”
“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Is that a promise?” His eyes asked more than his words.
“Like you said last night, I trust you more than a set of words, more than any promise.”
I dropped my lips onto Oliver’s and he took over the kiss. His lips trailed down my neck and his hands dropped to my belt, making quick work of the buckle.
“I changed my mind.”
“Ollie, you’re sore and I’m sore. Maybe—”
“Who says anyone’s going to be sore after this?”
“Oh…”
My jeans and briefs dropped to the floor, and while his tongue tangled with mine, his hand worked my rod until I was solid as Thor’s hammer. Ollie’s blowjobs were so intense that I would feel close to fainting, and without the weight I’d been carrying and sometimes hiding behind, I could tell this one might steal my consciousness away and drop me to my knees.
There was a renewed energy between us. A commitment that would last for years, love that made a grown man want to weep, and now I wasn’t afraid to do that when needed.
Ollie kissed his way down to my cock, dropping to his knees, never stopping his hand movements. I leaned back against the kitchen table for support as he rolled his tongue around the head of my dripping hardness.
“Do you know how much I love you?” The question was said to my penis but I assumed he meant all of me.
I clasped his head in my hands and turned it up toward me, popping my cock from his mouth. “I’m pretty sure it’s off the scales, ‘cause that’s how much I’m in love with you.”
His eyes shined back at me. “I never thought the road would lead us back together. I hoped and part of me prayed, but I thought it was a dream.” He drew his long tongue around the crown of my cock. “But reality has serious benefits.”
I chuckled as I slipped my fingers through his short, Mohawked, snow-colored strands and he returned to what he was doing. My body hummed in his confident hands. His mouth increased tempo and depth while his hand slid to my balls, rolling and teasing them like they were his favorite play toys. He always knew the perfect pressure. My hips jerked—the first warning of his efforts paying off. My hands gripped his head and soon I was fucking his mouth. All I could think about was how much he was giving to me. Doing for me. Being himself with me.
“Damn, Aston, your mouth is…” My words distorted as Oliver’s eyes met mine and in a flash our worlds collided, taking the past heartache and wiping the slate clean—anyone before us was nonexistent. It would only be him and me facing our future together. I climbed to my peak and my body held the altitude in a consciousness-claiming, body-vibrating release of energy while I pumped every last drop into his mouth.
I released my grip on his head and grasped the edge of the table to stay upright. He stood and kissed me, letting me taste what our desire had released.
“Holt, you’re my world, my everything,” he whispered in my ear as if the room was full of people and the truth was only for me to hear.
I wrapped my arms around him to hold him to me, because the end was coming.
He sighed. “I have to go. Rahl is going to need us to step up at VSI with Sage staying in the hospital.” He stepped back after sharing too short of a kiss.
I yanked my pants up to my waist. “Hope she’s doin’ okay?”
“Better. She finally let him back into the room and when I left they were making up quite impressively.”
I grabbed his arm as he turned toward the door. “Tomorrow night, I’ll show you that you are my world.”
“I’ll be looking forward to that. I’ll be here around seven. Have a good night.”
“You, too.”
I watched him walk to his car and drive away. Those taillights needed to be headlights bringing him back to me.
Soon, Oliver. Fillies wilder than Silver couldn’t keep us apart now.
Chapter Fourteen
Oliver
I was headed in the wrong direction as I drove home. Like I was going backward in time and not forward.
I drove into my garage but not before seeing a familiar yellow Volkswagen Beetle sitting outside of my apartment.
Well, that will be two keys out of seven … no, eight … that I’ll get back.
I almost thought about driving back out to the farm. The farm? I’d never really been into the whole living-off-the-land thing and the thought of mice made my skin crawl.
Snakes, no problem. Mice … no fucking way.
I ate semi-clean and took time to pick up trash when it rolled into my path, but there was nothing in my past that told me raising animals and driving a tractor was going to be high on my bucket list. Not that I’d even started a bucket list. Hell, I’m only twenty-three. The fact I said I’d move in with Holt had my heart pounding in my chest. Not out of fear, but anticipation. Hopeful anticipation. Cohabiting was a step that felt like a massive leap, but I was ready.
Turning the key in the lock, I fully expected to find a girl in my bed. One I’d quickly set free, back out into the world, to explore a harder dick and willing mouth. But she sat on my couch instead.
“Hi, Oliver,” Chloe greeted me as I stepped into the room.
I set my keys and wallet on the kitchen island. “Chloe, we need to talk.”
“Yes, we do.” Her lips started to quiver, and she grabbed a tissue from the end table, adding the crumpled one in her hand to the pile that was growing beside her on the sofa.
I paused mid-step. “What’s wrong?”
She pointed to the coffee table. There was a box with a long rectangular piece of white plastic on top. I stepped closer and the box read “Pregnancy Test.” And the result would change both of our lives.
“I assume you’re saying it’s mine?”
She nodded. “I haven’t been with anyone else this year. Has to be.”
I walked around the coffee table and took a seat next to her. “I … I’m … confused.” I stuttered, trying to think of a way to say what I wanted to without calling her a liar. I didn’t want to seem like a blaming jackass, either. “I used a condom every time and you said you were on the Pill.”
She calmed a little. “That time outside of the bar, Two Fine Irishmen, almost two months ago.”
I searched my brain and realized she was talking about the time Jake had seen me in action. Yes, that was a moment of unprotected passion on my side that I hadn’t regretted.
I still don’t.
“But you were on the Pill?”
“I’d just gotten over a sinus infection. Antibiotics can make oral contraceptives ineffective.” Her chest heaved and she sobbed. “I forgot. I’m sorry, Ollie.”
I wrapped my arm around her. “I can see that.” I waited for her to tell me what she wanted, what she needed. Asking felt intrusive, so I held her and let her cry.
She grabbed more tissues and the sobs calmed. “I’m in school and graduate programs are contacting me to come to them. I know it sounds like an exaggeration, but my future as a geneticist holds other people’s lives in the balance. The genetics work I’m doing is going to be vital to Alzheimer’s treatment, and one day I’ll see to it that the damn disease’s name will be such a relic that no one will even know what it means. My grandfather died tortured by it, while I was a senior in high school. I’ve told myself over and over that I would make sure other families don’t have to go through what we did. I’ve gone over the options a million times in my head. But the future for me doesn’t include raising a baby, at least not for a while. And saying out loud that ending this pregnancy is the best option makes me feel dumb and selfish and like a horrible person.”
“You’re not selfish or horrible. You’re beautiful and brilliant and your future has a defined purpose, one that’s clear.” I decided to just face the reality head on. Responsibility didn’t lie just on her. “Do you want to terminate?”
“Want?” Her lip quivered and she shook her head.
That was a stupid way to phrase the question … nice job.
I shook my head at myself. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t the right thing to say. Chloe, I just want to be here for you, whatever ends up being the final choice, I’m here for you.”
“Thank you. But you’re right. I don’t really see another option that will work for both of us. You lead the life of a bachelor. I know I’m not the only girl in your life. I’ve seen the used condoms in the trash, Ollie. Do you think a baby fits into that? I’ve thought about adoption, but I just don’t know if I could never see the baby ever again. Tell me, Ollie, what do you think I should do? What should I do?”
“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out together.”
I reeled in panic, but I steadied my thoughts with faith. Believing there was a purpose for what happened was always the better route to go. Our lives had been brought together for a reason. Hers and mine. And Holt’s and mine. Explaining this to Holt seized my brain. He’d already experienced one encounter with my bisexual side. This news might drive home that his deepest fears were true.
Taking a couple of deep breaths, I took time to work through everything logically and emotionally. She didn’t need me to freak out when she was already running down that path. But she was right about one thing. Bringing a baby into my life, as I currently lived it, seemed improbable. I’d always walked the edge of a bad bet. This turn of events felt like whatever I resolved to do, my life was going to be a mess that I’d need to put back together. Plus, being a father probably wasn’t the best idea if my first instinct was to run the other way.
Far, far away.
But that wasn’t what she needed and it wasn’t about me right now. Have to remember that. She needs me to be calm and be here for her.
“Ollie, I’m sorry, I don’t expect us to figure this out right now. I just wanted you to know.” Her body rocked against mine through her sobbing.
“Chloe, again, I’m sorry and I’m here for you.” I guided her body onto my lap and rocked her as her tears slid down my neck.
“It wasn’t your fault, Ollie. I forgot. I’m so sorry, I … forgot.” She fisted my t-shirt, pulling me closer.
“We all make mistakes and it’s easy to forget the fine print in life. Not that either of us needs to be reminded, but it took both of us to make the decision to go without a condom. I had one in my wallet. I made the last-minute decision, too.”
“As I remember, I encouraged it to happen.”
I lifted her chin. “Hey, I’m not mad and I’m not scared. I only want you to be happy with whatever decision you make. Or that we make together.”
Okay, so I fibbed a little on the “not scared” part.
I held her while she cried and my thoughts vacillated between petrified and excited—the latter being the emotion that was harder to understand. There were so many times I was faced with a decision and I’d taken the easy route or I’d acted impulsively, but at this moment, I found a clarity of what I wanted and that my choice was the right decision. Not impetuous, not easy. Just right. In fact, what I’d decided would probably be the most challenging but most rewarding experience in my life.
When she finally calmed, I stared into her grey eyes. I wiped her eyes. “Chloe, what would you think of me raising this child?”
“For a few minutes tonight, after I peed and saw the results—for the fifth time in two days—I kind of hoped you and I might be able to be a family?”
“Yeah, that last time you were here I knew you were feeling something I wasn’t. I’m sorry, Chloe. I care about you, but I’m in love with someone else.”
“Can’t say that doesn’t hurt.”
“Does it help that it’s not another woman?”
She wiped her eyes, the red remaining as a stain of her pain. “Actually, a little, but not much.”
I rubbed her back. “His name is Holt, and Chloe, this baby would be a blessing to us.”
“What if Holt doesn’t feel the same?”
“Then I’ll raise the baby myself.”
She wrapped an arm around my waist and settled against me. “You’d do that even if it meant losing him?”
The question made my head spin.
Am I really saying that?
Every part of me wanted to believe Holt would think this was a gift meant to be ours. His and mine. Blood meant very little to me when it came to family. Hell, Sage was my sister, and I treated most of my guy friends like brothers. But if he decided he wasn’t in for an almost instant family, I still wanted a family of my own.
“Yes.” I breathed out the word and my world shook with a tremor of anxiety. My faith faltered just enough to make me close my eyes to collect myself.
Please Holt, understand this shittastic mess.
When I opened my eyes, hers met mine through her sable lashes. “This is really weird, Ollie. It’s going to take a little time for me to believe this is what you truly want. I can’t go through with the pregnancy and then have you change your
mind.”
“Kind of goes the other way, too.”
She climbed off my lap and crossed her legs, facing me on the sofa.
“Would you let me see our child?”
“Of course. I’m not saying you can’t be a part of my life and the baby’s life. I’m saying there was a reason for this gift and we can do this. Sure, it’s unconventional, but that’s always kind of been my way.”
“I think we both need to be absolutely sure this is what we want. I’ll give you until Friday at noon to decide, and if I don’t hear from you, I’ll call my doctor.”
Lying on the sofa, I held her in my arms until the early morning while she slept and I thought about how to tell Holt. I figured the lack of sleep was training for having a baby in the house. No sleep was the life of a soldier and a parent. Might as well train now for later.
Mama, you were right … fate knows when someone is ready.
****
“Oliver! What the fuck? You’re twenty minutes late!” Jake screamed through the lowered vehicle window.
Grabbing my coffee mug, I jumped from my car and climbed into his truck.
Jake continued his barrage of screaming while driving off, “If the boss finds out we fucked this one up, I’m placing full blame on your homo ass.”
I paused while pulling my seat belt out. “That’s the last time you will ever say that, Greenstein.”
He stopped at the traffic light and calmed. “I’m just saying that you’re never late. What the fuck is up?”
“I had a long night.”
“I don’t need to know any of your bedroom activities.”
And I’m not going to tell you. Used to be that guy, not anymore.
We made it to the location for surveillance and Jake found a place with adequate concealment. I filled in logs of activity and he snapped pictures.
“What’s your deal with LGBTQ people, Jake? Why the hate?”
“I don’t hate anyone.”
“Right. That’s why you’ve now called me ‘fag’ and ‘homo ass’. Homophobic slurs don’t extend fucking warm fuzzies, Greenstein.”
Jake continued to take photos. He replaced the lens with a higher-powered one and downloaded the images to his computer to make sure he was getting the right intel.