by Soraya Lane
“So let’s ask Gray’s mom to stay tomorrow night and take care of the boys.”
Bella gulped. “And tell her about the letters?”
Noah seemed unconcerned as he motioned for them to go back in the house. “Only if you want to, if you’re ready to go there. Otherwise, we just tell her that we’re going out for pizza. She won’t even blink an eye.”
Bella followed him. “You mean she won’t think it’s a date, is that what you’re saying?”
He winked. “Sweetheart, there’s no chance anyone in that house right now would think we were going on a date, or anything even close. They’re all probably exchanging looks, wondering how the hell we’re managing to live in the same house without killing each other. And we’ve got nothing to hide; we’re just going out as friends, so what’s the big deal?”
Bella folded the letter and slipped it into the pocket of her jeans. “You’re right.” She doubted even her sister would have believed how well they’d be getting on. Or maybe it was just that they’d been too busy to get on each other’s nerves for a few days.
“Come on, let’s brave the crowd,” Noah said, holding out his hand.
Bella had no idea why, but she took it, palm to his as they walked back in the door.
“How is this man still single?”
Bella fought the urge to roll her eyes. She was far too old to be so childish, but seriously? Her Aunt Iris had always had a soft spot for Gray, and she seemed to have transferred that love straight over to Noah.
“Try living with him—then you’ll know,” Bella said dryly, chewing on the inside of her mouth when Noah shot her a filthy look.
Her mom stared at her, and her aunt made a strange clucking sound. She got it: Noah charmed the pants off most women, literally. She shuddered at the thought, remembering exactly why he’d managed to annoy her so many times in the past.
“I’m kidding. He’s great. Stand-up guy and incredible with the kids.”
“So you are sharing a room?” Aunt Iris asked, her eyebrows raised.
Bella’s jaw dropped, no words coming out, as she glared at her mom, willing her to say something, anything, to get her crazy aunt to stop.
“Anyone for more coffee?” Noah asked, grinning as he rose. “I’m gonna head out and shoot some hoops with the boys.”
“I’ll make more coffee,” Bella said, wishing she’d just shot her aunt down straightaway. Sleeping together? The thought made her shudder. She’d been grieving for her sister and trying to figure out how to parent two little children. She hadn’t exactly had time to jump into bed with Noah. Even if she had thought about it.
Noah followed her out, and she groaned as soon as they were out of earshot. “Seriously, what have I done to deserve all this?”
His low, deep laugh made her stand straighter, pulling up from her slump. “Sweetheart, they’re . . .”
She stared at him, unblinking.
“Shit, did I just call you ‘sweetheart’ again?”
Bella bit down on her lower lip, and then they both burst into laughter. Within seconds Bella had tears running down her cheeks, and she had no idea whether they were from laughing so damn hard or because she actually felt like she was on the brink of exhaustion. Or maybe an emotional meltdown. Either way, she was ready to keel over.
“What are you two finding so funny?”
At the sound of her dad’s commanding voice, Bella wiped the tears from her cheeks and turned, sidling over to the man who sounded so fierce but had always been soft as a teddy bear with his girls.
“Nothing, Daddy,” she said, slinging an arm around his shoulders and giving him a quick hug.
“You haven’t called me ‘daddy’ since you were a girl,” he grumbled, putting an arm around her waist. “I know when you’re about to pull the wool over my eyes. Noah?”
“Sorry, sir. If she’s pulling the wool over your eyes, then she’s doing the same to me.”
“Noah!” Bella scolded. “I’m not doing anything to anyone. Is there something wrong with wanting to hang out with my dad?” She gave her father a big hug, not sure what to say, but wanting to show how much she loved him, Lila’s words echoing in her mind.
She watched as Noah exchanged glances with her father, and she pushed away from him, pretending to be offended.
“How are you enjoying your leave?” her dad asked Noah as Bella began rummaging in the cupboards for some cookies to put out for the boys.
“Busier than usual with the kids, but for once I’m not desperate to get back out there,”—Noah cleared his throat—“sir.”
Her dad smiled. “I appreciate your respect, Noah, but it’s fine to call me James. I’m sure I’ve told you that before.”
Noah nodded. “Just habit.”
“It’s me who should be calling you ‘sir.’” Her dad blew out a half-breathing, half-whistling sound. “I spent my entire career with the military, but the things you’ve done with the Navy? I have more respect for your SEAL team than you could imagine.”
“It’s just what I do,” Noah said nonchalantly, as if it were no big deal. “They’re my brothers, and wherever we get sent, we just do whatever we have to do to get the mission done and get us all home safe.”
“Do you talk about what you’ve done, what you do, with anyone, son?”
Bella looked up, considered her dad’s face. He was a man with two daughters, had only ever called Gray ‘son,’ and he’d just said it to Noah like he was his son-in-law. Maybe it was because they were in Gray’s kitchen, or maybe her dad just felt a connection with Noah. Either way, it unsettled her.
“No, sir—I mean, James,” Noah said, hands at his sides, fists clenching a little, telling her that he was uncomfortable. She doubted it was her dad’s doing—more the subject matter. “I don’t need to brag about what I do for a job. We get in, get out, and everyone on that team knows what we’ve done. I don’t want a pat on the back; I just want to get out without my head being blown off.”
“And what if next time it does?” Bella asked, her voice shaky as she spoke up, interrupting their conversation and making both men turn to her. “Get blown off, I mean. What if the next time you go away, you don’t come back?”
“Bella, that’s enough,” her father scolded.
“No,” she said, holding up her hand to silence him, stronger now. “It’s a fair question, Dad. Noah and I are parenting Cooper and Will together, and I need to know what I’m up against. What I’m going to tell those little boys if their second dad doesn’t come home.”
The kitchen was suddenly silent. All Bella could hear was her heart thumping in her chest, pulse starting to race, knowing she’d overstepped but not able to stop herself as raw panic set in.
“They’ve already lost Gray. Is it fair for them to worry about losing you, too?” she asked.
Noah folded his arms across his chest and watched her for a long moment. “I’m going out to shoot some hoops.”
She squeezed back tears that threatened to fall. “You might be one of the bravest men in the world, Noah, and the Navy’s damn lucky to have you, but you’re not just a SEAL anymore. You’re a dad.”
He walked from the room, leaving her standing there, ready to scream from the frustration of everything. From the pain of losing her sister, from the despair she felt at losing Gray, her feelings for Noah. Everything.
“That was unfair, Bella,” her dad said, his angry stare making her feel like an in-trouble teenager all over again. “That man is one of the most elite—”
“I know exactly what he is, Dad,” she interrupted, not letting him tell her off. “Noah is incredible at what he does—I know that. But all I care about right now is holding this family together. And if he can’t be a stable parent in the boys’ lives, then maybe he shouldn’t be here at all.” It was harsh, she knew, but how could she open the boys up to more heartache? To even more loss?
“Don’t you make that man choose, Bella. That’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to our country.”
His voice was low but commanding, demanding respect. “You go out there and apologize to him.”
“James!” Her mom exclaimed, walking in on them and seeing part of their heated exchange. “What on earth is going on?”
“Nothing, Mom,” Bella said, chin held high, refusing to back down. “Dad’s trying to give me a lesson in respect, which, for the record, I don’t need.” She shook her head. “I’m so proud of you, Dad, for what you did for our country. I’m proud of every man and woman who serves, and I respect Noah’s work more than you could imagine. But I can’t help the way I feel, and right now I’m terrified of losing him when I’ve just started to trust him, just started to count on him. To need him.”
Her mom cleared her throat, glancing sideways, and Bella realized she was trying to tell her something. She turned, saw that Noah had come back in without her realizing, his face flushed from whatever he’d been doing, hands on his hips as he caught his breath.
“Now you’ve all heard it, can we just get on with whatever the hell it is we’re doing?” Bella said, cheeks blazing.
Noah was staring at her, her mom was giving her a tight smile, and her dad looked more bewildered than anything else.
Bella left them all in the kitchen, needing some fresh air and some time to herself. Sometimes the weight of what she’d lost was too much to bear, just like the weight of what she still had to lose made moving on with her life seem impossible.
“You ready?”
Bella looked up at Noah’s call. She was snuggling Cooper on the sofa, reluctant to get up and leave him, or maybe she just didn’t want to face Noah and go out on the date Lila had created for them. What she’d said the day before was still burned into her brain, refusing to let up. And she was upset with herself for not just showing her parents the letters. She didn’t know why, but she just wanted to keep them to herself a little longer before having to share them, because right now she was living in a bubble where her sister was still with her, like she was just away serving and writing like she always had.
“You okay if I leave, little buddy?” she asked, giving Cooper a squeeze and dropping a kiss into his hair.
“Bella, they’re fine,” Gray’s mom said, smiling over at her. “It’ll be nice for the two of you to have a night off, and there’s plenty of room over here. Come on, Coop.”
Bella watched as he rocketed off the sofa and onto the other side of his grandma, Will already in position, snuggled up to her. They had a DVD on, had already eaten dinner, and didn’t seem concerned in the least.
She glanced back at Noah and rose. He had a tense look on his face, an expression she didn’t recognize, but it made her get moving. Bella slipped her heels back on and touched his arm.
“You okay?” she murmured.
“Fine,” he said quickly. “Let’s just go.”
She grabbed her purse and keys, and they both walked out, but she hurried around to the driver’s side. He either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
“You sure you’re okay?”
He shut his eyes, head back. She watched the heavy rise and fall of his chest.
“No,” he eventually muttered.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, leaving the keys in the ignition, but not turning the car on. “Has something happened?” Her heart sank. “Are you being deployed?”
When he finally opened his eyes, he stared straight ahead, not making a sound, but she noticed the hard balling of his fists, the vein bulging at his neck.
“I’ve just had word that . . .” He slammed his hand into the dash. “Fuck! I can’t be telling you this.”
Bella slowly reached for him, took his hand, linked their fingers tight, even though he resisted. “You can trust me, Noah. If you need to talk, I’m here.”
She considered him as he exhaled, studied the strong lines of his face, his jaw carved from stone, cheeks soft from just being razored, when they usually had stubble. In the past, she’d seen him mostly with a beard, no doubt trying to blend in when he was serving in the Middle East, but the way he was right now was how she liked him best.
“I can’t be talking about work. It’s not something we’re allowed to do.”
“If you’re not telling me about a mission, any details about a deployment, won’t I hear about whatever it is on the news anyway?”
She held her breath, watched him, waited.
“A Chinook—sorry, a helicopter—was just taken down by an RPG—I mean a rocket-propelled grenade. They’d just dropped down a team—part of a team—before they were hit. We’ve lost some guys.” He shook his head. “We’re like brothers, Bella, all of us.”
She nodded and gripped his hand even tighter, relaxing when he finally did the same back. It wasn’t like him to open up so easily, but she was grateful that he was talking to her now, getting it all off his chest.
“You want to stay home?” she asked quietly, feeling guilty for ignoring him so much after the conversation in the kitchen the day before.
“No. I can head out on my own for a bit if you—”
She released his hand and fired up the engine. “I’m not leaving you alone. We can eat pizza, and you can have a drink.”
He smiled, eyes still trained straight ahead. “Thanks.”
She drove them quickly to the restaurant, knowing where it was because she’d been there before with Lila when they’d had a night out, just the two of them. Noah never said a word, and when she parked, she got out, met him around the other side, and they walked in silence into the restaurant. She was starting to wonder if they’d done the right thing in coming, and then Noah silently reached for her hand.
Bella asked for a table, and they walked hand in hand, following a waitress who was so happy and bubbly that she made Bella cringe.
“Two beers please,” Bella ordered. “Make them Buds.”
Noah dropped into a chair, his fingers falling away from hers. She sat down, too, leaning across to him.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about the guys you’ve just lost, and I’m sorry about the shit I said yesterday.”
Noah’s eyes were glassy when he looked up. “I have these dreams,” he said, elbows resting on the table as he reached for the saltshaker and twirled it between his fingers. “I wake up and look down, and my hands are covered in blood. I think it’s my own, then I look across and Gray’s slumped down, he’s been hit, and I slam my hands into his stomach and try to stop the bleeding, try to save him.”
Bella shuddered, the mental picture hard to push away. “Is that what wakes you?” she asked, surprised he’d suddenly opened up to her like that. “I hear you get up sometimes.”
“Yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair, hair that was starting to grow out from the shorter look he’d been sporting. “It’s so vivid, and at the time it seems so real.”
“You know I have huge respect for what you do, for what you put yourself through, right?” Bella asked, nodding her thanks when the waitress dropped two beers to the table. He took a long pull of his, and she sipped hers. She wasn’t big on beer, but given what he’d told her earlier, she wanted to have one with him, had felt like she needed it, too. “You kind of walked in on half the conversation yesterday.”
He shrugged. “How about we talk about something else. I need to get my head out of what I can’t control.”
Bella sat back, took another sip. “Well, okay. How about Lila’s challenge—tell me something no one knows about you.” She’d meant to lighten the mood, but it merely intensified.
Noah’s lips moved, the corners of his mouth tilting upward as he gave her an impossibly sexy look, eyes barely connecting with hers. “That sounds dangerous.”
“Come on—there must be something. And don’t go confessing to how many women you’ve slept with. That would just be gross.”
He clasped both hands around his beer bottle, eyes leaving hers as he stared out the window toward the street. It wasn’t dark yet, but the light was fading fast, and there was s
omething nice about the streetlights slowly firing into life. He wasn’t going to back down from Bella’s challenge, but what could he tell her?
CHAPTER TEN
Noah sipped his beer for something to do. He didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want to make himself more vulnerable than he already had by talking about his fallen comrades. His brain was scrambling, still trying to process what he’d heard, what had happened to the team. He didn’t know the guys personally, but the loss still hit him hard, reminded him how easily it could have been him. It hadn’t bothered him before, had always been something he was prepared to sacrifice, his life secondary to protecting his brothers and completing his mission. And then he knew what he was going to tell Bella.
“I’ve never valued my own life,” he said, the words falling from his mouth before he could stop them.
She held his gaze, her expression impossible to read. She looked like she was holding her breath, her stare unbreakable. “And now?”
“Now, I don’t have to be told that my life’s important, because I look at those little boys, at the way they look up at me and trust me so completely, and I know.”
The air was silent between them, the noise of the restaurant disappearing, less audible than the crackling radio silence from Bella. Before she could respond, say anything and make him feel like shit for being honest, he grinned. He wasn’t ready to talk more about his job, about what the future held for his career, preferring to joke around and push the thoughts away. His confession to her had scared him, truth be told. He wasn’t used to losing control over what he said like that.
“And I’m scared of cats.”
Bella’s smile was low, but it was there. “You’re lying.”
“I’m not.”
The waitress arrived back at the their table. “Are you ready to order?”
Noah smiled apologetically and reached for his menu. “Sorry—we haven’t even gotten that far yet. Can you give us a few minutes?”