‘Ivy,’ Abe said, turning to face me, putting one arm round my shoulders and stroking my hair with his free hand.
‘Maybe another time.’
‘What is it that’s bothering you?’
‘I can’t explain.’ I couldn’t tell him that I could still see Sam, eyeing me suspiciously over the dinner table, and hear him saying, ‘So you and Dad met on a park bench?’
And I could see Ruby, as blonde and pretty as her mother looked in the holiday photograph on Abe’s mantelpiece, trying her best to be nice to me as the evening wore on, but having to try nevertheless.
‘I love you,’ he said, gazing at me in a way that told me he meant it. ‘I really do, and I want to be with you, and if you need more time, I’ll wait, and if you want me to back off a little, then I will, but you have to talk to me. Please tell me what it is that you’re afraid of.’
‘I can’t,’ I said. ‘Not now. Please, help me hail a cab.’
‘If that’s what you want.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said yet again, as a cab slowed and stopped at the edge of the pavement. ‘I’ll speak to you tomorrow.’
He kissed me, a peck on the cheek, and I climbed into the cab, utterly bereft.
When I finally got into bed that night, I missed Richard more than I had since I’d met Abe. I missed the familiarity of our night-time routines, the warmth of his body and the patterns of his breathing as he slept.
I missed the sensation of knowing another person so well that their presence is like an extension of yourself, rather than new territory, which has to be negotiated.
I wished I could have asked him what I should do. I wished that he was still alive and I wasn’t in the position I was in now, and I wished I wasn’t so scared of embracing a future without him.
Abe didn’t call the next day. Or the one after. Or the one after that. And that was unusual. But neither did I.
I was missing him but I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t sure how I felt so I kept myself busy, arranged to see a few friends, gave my full attention to the bits of work I had to do, looked up the Greek island swimming trip and thought about booking myself on to it the following summer. I swam endless lengths of the pool and tried to sort out my thoughts while I did so.
I’d just come out into the foyer one afternoon when I heard a distinct antipodean twang. ‘Hey, Ivy!’
‘Hello, Tony.’
‘I saw you in the pool,’ he said. ‘Looked like you’re training to swim the Channel.’
‘I’ve been looking into that Greek island swim I mentioned.’
‘Good on yer,’ he said, keeping pace with me as I made for the exit. ‘Which way are you going?’ he asked. I nodded in the direction I was headed. ‘Mind if I walk with you?’
‘No. Where are you off to?’
‘My dad’s over on a work trip with his new wife,’ he said.
I looked at him, wanting to see if there was anything in his expression that gave away his feelings towards her. ‘Oh? Have you not met her?’
‘Yes, I have. Last year when I went back home. Dad’s been seeing her for a while but …’
‘But?’
‘I don’t think we made it easy for him. Me and my siblings. I’ve got three sisters. He and Mum divorced years ago, but you never think your parents have the right to stop being your parents.’
‘I suppose not,’ I said. My mother had had no choice in the matter.
‘Anyway, I’m going this way,’ he said, as we reached a T-junction. ‘See you, Ivy.’
‘Goodbye,’ I called after him, as he quickened his pace and walked off to meet his father and the new wife.
After a few more days, I broke the stalemate. I called Abe and was reassured by how normal he sounded: relaxed and apologetic. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t called,’ he said. ‘I wasn’t sure what to say.’
‘I know.’
‘I suppose I was a little naïve not to expect Ruby and Sam to react with some … well, to find it hard. I was so caught up in you that I didn’t really stop to wonder how they might feel.’
‘It’s normal that they’re wary of me.’
‘I know. I should have anticipated their reaction and thought a little more about how that might make you feel.’
‘Perhaps we should have talked it over more beforehand.’
‘Can we talk now, Ivy?’ Abe asked. ‘Or at least soon? I’d like to see you if you’re not still angry with me.’
‘I was never angry with you.’ I’d felt sad, frustrated, excluded but not angry.
‘Are you free at all later this week?’
‘I haven’t got a lot on tomorrow. Would you like to come round?’
‘I’m visiting Lynn in the morning,’ he said. ‘The roof of the house needs a bit of work. She’s got a builder coming round to do a quote and I said I’d be there.’
‘Right.’ I reacted with a petulance born of jealousy each time he mentioned Lynn’s name. I didn’t like it and knew it had to be addressed. I couldn’t go on letting Abe think I’d just fit into his world. I had to let him know how hard I was finding it.
‘I could come to you afterwards but I don’t want to impose,’ he said. Already there was a distance that had not been there before.
‘You won’t be. I’ll make lunch.’
‘I could take you out if it’s too much trouble.’
‘Why would it be?’ I wanted him to answer that. I wanted him to tell me why he’d started dancing around me. But he didn’t.
‘Okay. I’ll text you when I’m leaving the house.’
‘This looks lovely, thank you.’
I’d just dished up a Spanish stew.
I was eating better since I’d met Abe, cooking for him, being cooked for and taken out. I hadn’t bothered much when it was just me. I’d liked the way having met someone was turning meals and other ordinary things into small occasions.
‘Cheers,’ Abe said, albeit a little half-heartedly, raising his glass.
I took a sip of wine. It felt more like fortification than celebration. ‘Have you spoken to Ruby and Sam since the weekend?’
‘I met up with them on Monday evening.’ He toyed with his food.
‘Oh?’
‘We went out for a meal.’
‘A nicer one than the one we had?’ I didn’t manage to disguise the pique that had crept into my voice. I didn’t like myself for it but the image of him sitting around the table with his children, enjoying a meal, when ours had been so strained, was hard not to resent.
If Abe noticed, he ignored it. ‘Yes. As I said, I probably should have had more of a dialogue with them before I introduced them to you. I rushed them into something they weren’t ready for. I should have realized they wouldn’t be happy straight away. But I was too caught up in you to think straight.’
He’d used those words before, but where once they’d made me smile, now they seemed awkward and inappropriate. ‘And you think it will take some getting used to?’ I asked.
‘I think they’ll get used to it,’ he said. He reached across the table and took my hand.
‘And Lynn?’
‘What about her?’
‘How does she feel about me?’
‘She accepts the situation.’
‘But she’s not over the moon about it.’
‘That’s not what I said. She’s fine with it. Why wouldn’t she be?’
‘Because she might find it difficult. Because your children find it difficult. And …’
‘And what?’
‘I find it difficult, Abe. I love seeing you, but your life is hard to fit into. It feels too crowded.’
‘Things are as they are, Ivy. Lynn and I are separate but we’re still friends. I’m not going to stop looking after the house and … things.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to appear selfish and I don’t want you to stop seeing Lynn or doing all the things you do for her. I admire you for the way you’ve managed to maintain your r
elationship, that it’s still good, despite everything.’
‘We were married for a long time, and we’ll always have the children. Nothing changes that. Imagine if you’d been in this position with Richard. You’d have wanted him still to care for you and the children, wouldn’t you?’
‘Of course. And, as I said, I’m not asking you to stop. It’s just … it makes me anxious. I feel as if maybe …’ I didn’t know how to put this without appearing rude, without making Abe seem callous and calculating. I sometimes wondered if he understood what he was asking of me.
‘Go on.’
‘I wonder if I’m just a way of you working out how you really feel about Lynn. I don’t mean you’re doing it consciously or deliberately but in the scheme of things. I worry that seeing me might make you remember what you had with Lynn. I worry that Lynn might too. People often don’t move on entirely after splitting up until one of them meets someone else. It makes it seem more real. The fact that I’m on the scene might make Lynn reconsider what she wants from you.’
‘I know this isn’t the easiest situation, Ivy,’ he said, ‘but my marriage is over. I know we’re not divorced but it’s still over.’
‘Do you ever think about getting divorced?’
‘Not really. It seems unnecessary, involving solicitors, getting into all of that. The arrangement we have suits us and I suppose it just seemed too …’
‘Final?’
‘No. Well, yes, I suppose. I don’t know. Why do you say that?’
‘Because it’s difficult for me, always feeling like the other woman.’
‘But you’re not that. I really do care for you, Ivy. I want you to be a part of my life – a big part – but Lynn and the children are already a huge part. I can’t change that.’
‘I know.’
‘If there’s anything I can do to make it easier for you, then tell me. Meeting you when I did, it felt like a gift. I don’t want to lose you. I really don’t.’
‘I don’t know that there is anything you can do,’ I say.
‘You’re amazing, Ivy, and when I met you, everything about the way we were felt so right. It still does. And I’m sorry if you feel I’m rushing you into things that you’re not ready for. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to do anything that might drive you away. I want you to take as much time as you need to get used to the situation, but let’s not allow other people to spoil what we have.’
‘But they are,’ I said. ‘If it were just you and me it would be so much easier, but it’s not and it never will be. I just don’t know if …’
‘If?’ He put up his hand and touched the side of my cheek.
‘I don’t know if I can do this any more.’ I hadn’t intended to say it, not now, but I’d been thinking it. I didn’t want to lose Abe, any more than he said he didn’t want to lose me, but I didn’t like feeling as I did either. Too much was getting in the way of what could have been a lovely relationship, too much that was making me unhappy.
‘What do you mean?’ He was clearly anxious.
‘It’s not you.’ Such a cliché. ‘It’s everything else. There’s so much to deal with and I’m not sure I’m strong enough for that. Not now. Not yet.’
‘It’s not just Lynn and the children, is it?’ Abe asked.
I realized that everything I had said had not been entirely fair to him. He was right. It wasn’t just Lynn, it was Richard too. ‘No,’ I admitted. ‘It’s me and it’s Richard too. I don’t really understand myself, Abe. I thought I was over the worst of it. I felt I’d moved on.’
‘I don’t know what to say. I wish you didn’t feel like that. But I can’t do anything about Lynn and the children. I can’t make them disappear and I can’t replace your husband either.’
‘I’m not asking you to do any of that.’
‘So what are you saying?’ He sat back in his chair and looked at me expectantly.
‘I don’t know quite how to put it,’ I said.
‘Try.’
‘When I met you, well, like you said, everything seemed so easy. I felt so at home in your company. My only reservations were that it seemed too soon after Richard dying. I wasn’t sure I had the right to be happy, not with someone else anyway. I was beginning to feel that I could be happy on my own, where previously that had seemed impossible. But then I met you, and I was happy when I was with you.’
‘I felt the same way. I feel the same way.’
‘But it’s changed. It’s difficult hearing about Lynn or “the house” and the children. Like I said, the relationship feels too crowded and it’s too soon.’
‘Too soon to be with someone else?’
‘Partly but not just that.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘It feels too soon to be unhappy again. I don’t think I’m strong enough yet to deal with all the other emotions I’m having to deal with. I’m sorry but I think I need to be on my own again.’
‘Oh, Ivy.’ He took my hand again. ‘I never wanted to make you unhappy.’
‘I was all right when I met you. I felt strong again. I was over the worst of the grief, after Richard died. I was okay again, but now I’m not and I can’t cope with the way that makes me feel. I’m so sorry.’
‘So you want to stop seeing me?’
‘I don’t want to.’ I couldn’t say any more. There was a lump in my throat.
‘Do I get a hug?’ I asked, as he put on his coat and stood ready to leave.
‘Ivy.’ He stepped forward and took me in his arms. I put my arms around his neck and drew him to me in a long, lingering kiss that I wanted never to end.
‘We could be so good together,’ Abe said, when it did, pressing his face into the side of my neck.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t keep saying that. I’m sorry too.’
‘It’s not your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just the way things are.’
‘And neither have you.’
‘I love you, Abe,’ I said, putting all my effort into not crying.
‘I love you too, Ivy,’ he said, and wiped a tear from his eye. ‘I really do. I feel as if I’ve been waiting all of my life to meet you and now that I have …’
‘… it’s not the right time,’ I finished his sentence for him.
‘I’m so sorry I’ve made you unhappy,’ he said, stroking my cheek in a way that was almost unbearable. ‘But I’m still glad I met you. In another life …’
He trailed off and I nodded because the tears I had been trying to suppress had started to flow.
He held me again and we stood in the hallway clinging to each other, sobbing for what seemed like an eternity.
Perhaps my younger self would have held on to him for longer still, unable to contemplate being alone in the world again, without Abe at my side. But I knew from experience that time did heal and that I was not alone. I had my children and the knowledge that, throughout my life, I had been loved.
London, April 2010
If a coin comes down heads, that means that the possibility of its coming down tails has collapsed. Until that moment the two possibilities were equal.
But on another world, it does come down tails. And when that happens, the two worlds split apart.
Philip Pullman, The Golden Compass
I was trying to keep myself busy and not worry so I’d decided to wash the downstairs windows, which were covered with a thick, yellowish grime. ‘I wonder what’s made them so disgusting,’ I said, as I filled a bucket with water and took a cloth from under the sink.
Max was sitting at the kitchen table, having breakfast and flicking through his phone. I didn’t expect an answer. They were generally in short supply before midday. ‘It’s been scientifically proven,’ he had told me earlier in the week, ‘that teenagers are not suited to early starts.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Yes. It’s much easier for old people like you.’
‘I’m only in my fifties!’
&
nbsp; ‘Exactly. It’s much easier for you to start work at the crack of dawn than it is for me.’
‘Thank goodness for your timetable, then.’
He was in his final year at college and most of his lectures seemed to be scheduled later in the day. Today he had a class at midday and was slowly coming to life with the aid of a pot of coffee and several peanut-butter-laden pieces of toast. ‘It’s ash,’ he said, looking up. ‘On the windows. From the volcano.’
‘Really?’ Lately I had been preoccupied so the minutiae of the news had passed me by. The headlines had been dominated by a plane crash in Russia, which had killed the Polish president and dozens of political and military leaders. For a few days Smolensk had been a place name on everybody’s lips. Now newsreaders were trying to get to grips with ‘Eyjafjallajökull’, after the Icelandic volcano, whose name it was, had erupted, creating a giant ash cloud over northern Europe. ‘It can’t be the same ash,’ I said. ‘Can it?’
‘Yes, I read it.’
‘Already?’ The eruption had only just happened and its effects were not yet being felt beyond Iceland.
‘Apparently it had been spewing stuff for a while before it erupted big-time,’ Max said, refilling his cup from the cafetière. ‘That’s why the cars are all gunky.’
‘I thought it was because we haven’t had any rain for a while.’
‘Nope. Volcanic ash,’ Max said, before returning to whatever it was on his phone that held such interest for him.
I took the bucket outside, and ran my finger down the window pane, rubbing the accumulated dirt between finger and thumb. Could particles from another part of the world really settle here so quickly? I stood on a stool and began to wipe the glass with a soapy cloth.
A few days later, when the volcano’s eruptions had caused chaos, dirty windows were the least of my worries.
Richard was in Latvia. His company was building a new hotel in Riga. He was supposed to be away for just a couple of days but that had changed. ‘They’ve grounded all the flights,’ he told me from the airport. ‘Nothing’s taking off today at all.’
‘Oh dear. What will you do?’ I was in the changing room at the local swimming pool, about to get into my swimsuit, still trying to fill the days so I could not dwell on the news I was about to receive.
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