“I’ve been really lax, Ruby. They’ve tried to arrange an appointment with me three other times and three times I’ve either made excuses or ignored them completely. If anything happens to me as a result, it’s entirely my fault for being so casual about it all.”
“Don’t talk rubbish, Frankie,” I said quickly. “Nothing’s going to happen to you. You’re going to live to a ripe old age and give Methuselah a run for his money, so stop stressing.”
The traffic was thankfully quite light and we arrived at the doctor’s five minutes later and I waited as Frankie gave them her details and then sat beside me. She was called into the nurse’s office a few moments later and while she was gone I said a silent prayer that I would be right in my casual but uneducated summation of the situation. I just hoped that it wasn’t anything serious.
“Job done,” Frankie said as she reappeared, looking pale but marginally happier. “They’ll have the results back within ten days and then we can take it from there. They just wanted a second swab in case the first one was contaminated in any way.”
“And if the second one shows up the same?” I asked tentatively.
“Then there are several avenues they can take. I might be called for a procedure called a colposcopy which means that they’ll have to take a closer look at my cervix in hospital.”
“More poking and prodding. Lovely. Men don’t know they’re alive. What do you want to do now?”
“Go back to work, I suppose,” she said unconvincingly.
“Nah,” I answered quickly. “We don’t want to do that. We want to go for a cup of coffee and a nice sticky bun because everyone knows that sugar is good for shock, so don’t be arguing with me and trying to eat that cardboard rubbish again. Then we’re going to go to your house to wait for the children to come home and after that I’m going to take them out for a while and you’re going to have a nice bath and relax and not worry.”
“I’m okay, Ruby, really. It just scared me, that’s all. You take everything for granted until you’re told that there’s a possibility, no matter how slight, that something might be wrong and then you think about all you could stand to lose.”
“Yeah, when you put it like that you do realise that life is too short to waste. It’s so short in fact that just to cheer you up and put a smile on your face I’ll agree to phone Gabriel and arrange an appointment just as soon as he’s free.”
Frankie clapped her hands together and I got a massive smile as my reward.
“When is Ella due home?” I asked, remembering the conversation Frankie had with her sister.
“She’s coming home next week with Baby Celia Rose and Hammy in tow so it’ll be great fun.”
Ella, Frankie’s sister, is one of the loveliest girls I know. She works as a midwife in a hospital in Edinburgh and had been having fertility problems until I introduced her to an old country faith healer called Thaddeus McCrory on one of her visits home who she maintains single-handedly helped her get pregnant (although I’m not so sure Hammy would agree . . . ahem!). I was really looking forward to seeing her and her baby daughter who was now nine months old and thriving like a gosling by all accounts (of which there were many if you happened to bump into Frankie’s mother).
“Okay, I’ll make an appointment with him for next week and if Ella’s good you can tell her that she can come too and have a mighty laugh at my expense.”
“We’ll not be laughing at your expense,” Frankie said, trying not to snigger (the cow).
We arrived at the coffee shop and, while we were there, we rang Owen to tell him to pick Baby Jack up from the nursery and also contacted Mr Reid to tell him that we would both be missing in action for the rest of the day.
“We don’t do this often enough,” Frankie said as she bit into a caramel square and practically had an orgasm once her taste buds registered that they were no longer being subjected to hamster-cage litter. “I’ve just had an idea,” she said quickly. “Why don’t we organise a night away before the wedding?”
“I thought that we were just going to go for a few drinks locally?”
“Bor – ing. Life is what you make it and I reckon that we should go all out to make this a really special time. It’s not every day you get married.”
“Thank feck,” I muttered.
“And, Ruby, can you also do something else for me. Please try and make things up with your mother. I know you haven’t mentioned it in a while but it’s still bound to be hurting you. Try and get the situation about your birth mother resolved soon.”
I briskly nodded and concentrated on sipping my coffee. She was right. I had been hiding my feelings very well but deep down it was still troubling me and I hoped and prayed that I would get a sign soon that would tell me whether or not I was on the right track.
Chapter 24
Another week had passed and although no bolts of lightning had hit me or no messages had been relayed to me from ‘on high’, I was still convinced that I was doing the right thing as my birth mother was the last thing I thought about before closing my eyes and again on waking up. I had got a shock the night I’d gone to the pub and heard the men there speaking about Georgina in the derogatory way they did, but I reasoned that she was still my mother and whether it be good or bad I still needed to know. I had briefly spoken to Mammy on the phone and she seemed to have mellowed slightly, even though there was still an atmosphere between us. We studiously avoided any mention of the events that took place around my last visit and had instead concentrated on the wedding and my forthcoming meeting with Gabriel at the weekend (which I was dreading but Frankie was waiting for with bated breath between explosions of laughter. The trollop.).
Frankie had also stipulated that there was to be no further mention of her smear-test results as there was no point in meeting trouble halfway and having everyone else worrying about it. So we agreed to forget about it for the moment although I kept sending up prayers to my daddy that everything would be okay.
Ella had arrived two days previously, positively glowing with happiness. Her little daughter was beautiful and it was obvious that being a mother suited her completely. Ben was overjoyed that there was now a third football fanatic in the house as he and Owen regularly cheered on Arsenal and were delighted to have Hammy join them. Carly and Angelica were excited to see their aunt and Jack was simply transfixed that there was someone smaller than himself in the vicinity and spent all his time staring at Baby Celia Rose who cooed adorably and blew bubbles at everyone.
“Hello, chicken!” I shouted at Carly who had run out to greet me as I arrived at Frankie’s house on the morning that we were all heading to Belfast to meet up with Gabriel.
“Well, if it isn’t the blushing bride herself,” Frankie’s mother commented as I walked through the door holding Carly’s hand.
“Hi, Celia,” I said. “Are you baby-sitting today then?”
“Yes. I’m going to look after Ben and Jack while you all go and meet the homosexual wedding-fixer. You better be careful that he doesn’t have too many meetings on his own with Luke. You never know what he could be proposing for them to get up to.”
“Yes, thank you, Mother,” Frankie said as she came bustling into the room shaking her head, rolling her eyes and indicating generally that I wasn’t to take any notice, which I didn’t, as years of experience had taught me well.
Frankie’s mother was a lovely lady but suffered from a permanently pessimistic point of view and a severe case of foot-in-mouth disease. Frankie’s long-suffering but lovely father was nowhere to be seen as he had decided to stay at home to take the dog for a walk. (Frankie’s parents had the fittest Scottish terrier in Ireland. It could beat a greyhound any day of the week it was so well exercised.)
“I’m just saying, Frankie. You can’t be too careful these days. Good men are hard to find so, when you get one, you want to be sure that he won’t be persuaded to start kicking with the other foot and scoring goals for the other team. God knows Ruby’s waited long enough for th
is day. There was a time when I had my doubts it would ever happen but happily I was proved wrong and there was a man out there for her.”
Celia had the good grace to go into the kitchen and put the kettle on while I concentrated on scraping my bottom lip from the living-room floor where it had landed as a result of my shock at being branded such a hopeless case.
“Jesus Christ,” Frankie growled, “that woman gets worse by the day. I’m going to get a muzzle specially made for her and get it fitted at the earliest opportunity before she alienates our entire family from the rest of the population.”
Ella was next to appear with the baby in her arms, all the while shouting instructions to Hammy. Hammy is a big burly gentle giant with twinkly eyes and a moustache, who at that moment was looking quizzically at his wife and answering her in soft and calming tones.
“Nappies?” said Ella.
“Check.”
“Bottles?”
“Check.”
“Dummy and teething ring?”
“Check.”
“Change of clothes?”
“For both of us, yes.” Hammy sighed. “Ella, will you please just go and enjoy yourself. Tootsie will be fine with me. We’re going to have a lovely father–daughter day while Mammy goes shopping and has a nice girlie day, aren’t we, hen?” He kissed Baby Celia Rose on the nose and got gurgled at in response.
“Okay, but you will keep your mobile switched on and –”
“And yes, I will ring you if there is the slightest problem which there won’t be. You’d think I’d never looked after her on my own before.”
“Good God, it’s like a military operation just getting out of the house,” I said. “This is why I like being Auntie Ruby. That way I can hand them back and go on my merry way.”
“Are you not going to have any children, Ruby?” Celia asked, poking her head around the kitchen door. “Ah well, never mind, I suppose you need time to get to know your husband first. You older brides are probably just grateful that you’ll have a companion to share life with.”
She didn’t get to say any more (thankfully, as although I was thick-skinned even I had my limits) as the microwave pinged and made her go back into the kitchen.
“Ruby, I’m so sorry,” Ella said, shaking her head and looking at Hammy. “Sometimes I am so grateful that there’s a fifty-minute flight separating us from here.”
“Okay! That’s us – we’re all ready to go,” Frankie said as she applied a spray of perfume to her wrists and then put on her watch. “Bye, Mammy!”
“Bye, girls!” Celia called. “Ella, make sure you keep your mobile on. You know what men are like. Anything could happen to that child when you’re not here.”
“Out!” Frankie ordered, glowering and trying to ignore the stricken look on Ella’s face.
Once we were in the car everyone breathed a sigh of relief. I started the engine, manoeuvred out of the drive and then headed for the first sign for the M1 which would take us to Belfast.
“Okay, so let’s talk weddings,” Frankie said, clapping her hands and looking excited. “What are the arrangements? Where is everyone meeting?”
“I can’t wait to see my new dress,” Carly lisped as she sat in the back of the car holding her Aunt Ella’s hand.
“There won’t be a dress there for you today, darling,” I explained, “but the lady will take your measurements and design something for you.”
“So what is the plan then?” Frankie asked again.
“We’re meeting Gabriel in Café Zen in the city centre,” I said, “and Mandy is also going to meet us there for lunch. I’ve already had her on the phone twice this morning. I don’t know what she’s more excited about – talking about the wedding or seeing how many celebrities she can spot and what stories she can pick up before her next deadline. Café Zen is very exclusive apparently. They even have novelty cabaret acts during the day.”
“Wow! That sounds amazing!” said Frankie and she and Ella exchanged glances and smiled.
I grinned as well, finally relenting and allowing myself to get into the spirit of the occasion.
“It sounds very strange to me,” I said. “But I’m not surprised. Strange and Gabriel go hand in hand together.”
“We’re meeting in Café Zen and then what?” Frankie asked.
“We’re going to have lunch first and maybe a wee drink to get into the mood and then we’re going to discuss plans and go to some of the shops where Gabriel has contacts.”
“Have you anything organised yet?” Ella asked.
“Well, to date I’ve booked the church, the Swiftstown Arms for the reception, and Luke has organised for one of his photographer friends to take pictures on the day. He also knows someone who works for a wedding-car company so he has that sorted out as well although he’s handed all the details to Gabriel who is acting like a feckin sergeant major and insisting on taking charge of everything.”
“Today we’re going to look at wedding cakes, wedding stationery and then go to some dress shops,” Frankie told Ella.
“And I’ve already told Gabriel that I’m only going to one dress shop and that’s the one I picked myself out of the Yellow Pages in my office.”
“Ruby is insisting on going to a dressmaker in a back street in Belfast and is refusing point blank to be talked out of it.” Frankie rolled her eyes and sighed.
“I am a big believer in fate, Frankie. You know that. If my finger landed on Rose Malone it did so for a reason and I’m not changing my mind.”
“But Gabriel is bound to have contacts in the best shops and I’ll bet he could get you good discount too.”
I gave Frankie my most ferocious look and she finally shut up and waved her hand in surrender.
When we arrived in Café Zen, I stopped and stared in wonderment. I had been told that it was quite plush and a haunt favoured by the great and the good but hadn’t been expecting the exquisite grandeur and opulence that met my eyes. It had high ornate ceilings from which chandeliers hung down, sparkling and glinting in the light. The layout gave the impression of a maze as there were so many enclaves and corners, some of which were closed off behind velvet drapes and others which were decorated with large blood-red and forest-green sofas and massive cushions.
Café Zen had its own roof-top beer garden and boasted a cocktail bar where the daytime cabaret act was in full swing as a jazz singer wearing a jaunty bowler hat and a waistcoat was walking casually through the crowd and singing the blues. The bar was packed and I found it hard to see. I squinted around looking for someone resembling a packet of fruit pastilles but couldn’t see anyone.
“He mustn’t be here yet,” I said. “But then again we are forty minutes early. We should probably just get a drink first and wait for him by the bar. He said he had a bit of work to finish here and he would meet us as soon as he was done.”
Just at that moment there was a huge round of applause as the jazz singer finished performing and the spotlight centred on a corner from whence the next act would approach. A voice boomed and asked everyone to welcome to the bar ‘Fifi Von Tease’ and it was with horrified fascination and shock that I realised that the drag queen singing in a deep voice with a platinum-blonde wig, a tight burlesque costume, stockings and staggeringly high heels was none other than the person who was being paid to be responsible for the organisation of my wedding.
Chapter 25
“Sweet suffering mother of fu–” I began before Frankie stepped in, covered Carly’s ears, and took charge.
“Can I have a large gin, please?” she shouted at the barman. “It’s for medicinal purposes,” she said to Ella who was looking around in confusion.
Frankie tried to discreetly point to the new act as he travelled around, singing and being cheered on by the crowd who obviously were big fans and saw ‘Fifi’ perform regularly. “It’s . . . that’s . . . erm . . .”
“That, Ella, is my wedding planner,” I said in a very controlled voice. “That person dressed in a red bas
que and suspenders is the one who apparently will be advising me on how to dress tastefully for the day in question and helping me to plan my wedding. There might be a slight problem though. No wedding can take place if the groom has been hung up by his goolies.”
“You’re joking!” spluttered Ella.
“Luke is a dead man,” I snarled before finishing my drink in one gulp and marching outside with my mobile phone in my hand.
“Ruby, wait!” I heard Frankie call but I wasn’t listening. I had things to sort out.
Luke had left the house to go and take photographs at a local school that morning and usually I wouldn’t have disturbed him but this was an emergency.
“Hello, you,” Luke said on answering his phone. “Everything going according to plan?”
“Oh pretty much, I suppose,” I answered. “We’ve just arrived in Café Zen and we’re waiting for Mandy to arrive.”
“Have you been speaking to Gabriel yet?”
“Have I been speaking to Gabriel?” I repeated slowly. “Well, here’s the thing. It’s a very funny story actually. I agreed to come and meet with Gabriel and have been doing a great job of talking myself into getting excited about this wedding and planning ahead. It had been working too, up until now. I came here today in the hope that we would be able to work something out but dear Gabriel seems to be hell bent on trying to get me hauled in on an assault charge!” I shouted the last bit and could hear Luke starting to breathe heavily.
“You’ve got to calm down, Ruby. Whatever it is, I’ll speak to him about it. I asked him in the nicest possible way to try and tone himself down a bit because it was making you uncomfortable. He’s not turned up looking garish again, has he?”
“Garish? No. He’s wearing black and red today.”
“At least he’s making the effort,” Luke said.
“Oh sorry, did I forget to mention that it’s a red corset, with black suspenders teamed with a wig that’s the same colour as a canary’s feckin feathers? He is also wearing more bloody make-up than Frankie, Ella and me put together and is currently walking around warbling into a microphone and being quite the little entertainer. He’s even got an alter ego. She is called Fifi Von Tease. Luke?”
Anyone for Me? Page 14