MWF Seeking BFF

by Rachel Bertsche

  Also at Ballantine, thanks to Jane von Mehren, Melissa Possick, Leigh Marchant, Susan Corcoran, Ashley Gratz-Collier, Hannah Elnan, and everyone else who supported this book from its inception.

  Brooke Kosofsky Glassberg has set the bar for friendship in my eyes. Aside from being my perpetual cheerleader and confidante, she is a brilliant editor who read this book chapter by chapter and gave me invaluable notes. This memoir would have been much worse without her. In that category of friendly (and volunteer) readers, thank you also to Lauren McBrayer Miller.

  Thanks to John Cacioppo, Shasta Nelson, and Rom Brafman for sharing their friendship expertise.

  Thanks to Stephanie Snipes, who supported this book from the get-go and allowed me to pursue this dream job while keeping my day job.

  To the readers of my blog—who cheer me on whenever I hit a friending milestone and who always weigh in on every relationship conundrum—thank you. Your virtual friendship has been inspiring.

  A very special thanks to my family—the entire Bertsche-Epstein-Levine clan—for their unbridled support and enthusiasm for this book, especially my mother-in-law, Jane Levine, for being one of my biggest fans.

  I could write my second book on the wonders that are my mother, Harriet Bertsche, and brother, Alex Bertsche. But I won’t. I am especially grateful to them for—on top of, you know, raising me, and, in Alex’s case, sometimes harassing me—reading every sentence of this book five times over, weighing in on every minor detail, and for genuinely being as excited for this project as I am.

  Finally, I can’t thank my husband, Matt, enough. For sharing our first year of marriage with all my new potential BFFs, for forcing me to go on another friend-date when I wanted to stay on the couch, and for always, always believing in me. He may not be my BFF but he is certainly the love of my life.

  FRIEND-DATES: THE INDEX

  ABBY: Met at a Meetup.com Chicago Cooking Chicks event, which she attended with a college friend. Recent Indiana University graduate.

  ALEXIS: Met through Hannah. An aspiring food personality who wanted blogging advice.

  ALISON: Part of the Jen-Alison duo, both of whom I met when we were students at Northwestern. Best friends with Matt’s ex-girlfriend.

  AMANDA: Met after she responded to my online essay. Cursed a lot and referenced “John Ritter’s balls.” Wrote about being nervous for our first date on her blog.

  ASHLEY: Part of my group of coworker friends.

  BECCA: Met through a mutual friend. Seemed more interested in romantic-dates than friend-dates.

  BRIDGET: Met on an airplane, where we were seated next to each other. Gave her my card after the flight.

  BRYNN: Met after she responded to my online essay. Recently relocated from Boston to Chicago with her husband.

  CELIA: Manager of the clothing boutique on my corner.

  CHRISTINE: Met through RentAFriend.com, the friend-for-hire website.

  CLAIRE: Accompanied Hilary to our first meeting.

  DANA: Met after she responded to my online essay. Recent New York City transplant. Doesn’t seem to love Chicago and misses living in Manhattan.

  DIANNE: New coworker who introduced me to Grubwithus, the social dining company.

  EDDIE: Met in improv class. Hoped he could be my gay BFF.

  ELLEN: Met after she read my online essay. A consultant, she says that work travel prevents her from taking surface friendships to the next level.

  ERIN: Met at speed-friending. Does lighting for a local dance company and loves to travel.

  GRETCHEN: Met at Mac ’n Cheese Minglers. Wore a “Mr. Darcy” name tag in our icebreaker game. Was appalled when guests didn’t know of Ira Glass.

  HALLIE: Met through Jordan. Part of our Saturday morning dance-and-brunch trio.

  HANNAH: Met through my longtime BFF Sara. Invited me to join her Chicago book club.

  HEIDI: Met as children at summer camp, reconnected on an airplane last year. Invited her best friend and another former camper, Michelle, on our dinner date.

  HILARY: Met through a mutual friend. Serious runner hoping to qualify for the Olympic trials.

  IRENE: Lives in my apartment building. Met at the grocery store, though we had crossed paths in our building’s workout room.

  JACKIE: Met when she responded to my online essay. Recently moved to Chicago with her fiancé.

  JEN: Part of the Jen-Alison duo, both of whom I met when we were students at Northwestern. Best friends with Matt’s ex-girlfriend.

  JILLIAN: Met when she saw my online essay on a mutual friend’s Facebook status. Mother of 2-year-old twin boys. Fellow Harry Potter and pop-culture lover.

  JOAN: Part of my group of coworker friends.

  JOANNA: Met as kids at summer camp. Recently moved from New York, where she was a magazine editor, to Chicago, where she is a writer and blogger.

  JODIE: Met after she responded to my online essay. A mother of two in her mid-forties. Moved to Chicago from Los Angeles after her ex-husband got a job in Indiana and she wanted to keep the kids close to both parents.

  JORDAN: Met through my old friend Chloe, her best friend at business school. Writes an idiom newsletter. Part of our Saturday morning dance-and-brunch trio.

  JULIE: Met when she reached out after reading my blog. A freelance magazine writer working on her first book.

  KAITLIN: Met after she responded to my online essay. Said most of her best friends have married or moved away. Graphic designer who could make a good “let’s do artistic things together” friend.

  KARI: Part of my group of coworker friends.

  KELLY: Met at the reading for her debut novel, The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott. Gave me advice on pursuing the life of a writer during our sushi dinner date.

  KIM: Met in a cooking class last year, before this friend-search started.

  LACEY: Met after she responded to my online essay. Moved to Chicago from Kansas City for work and love, but says her girlfriend already has her own friends.

  LAUREN: Met when she did my wedding makeup.

  LOGAN: Met through GirlFriendCircles.com, an online friending site. A 4′11″ spitfire with endless energy.

  LYNN: Part of my group of coworker friends. The first coworker I tried to befriend outside of the office, before the start of my official BFF search.

  MAGGIE: Blogger. Commented on my blog that she was also in Chicago, so we made a date.

  MARGARITA: Met through the no-commitment volunteer organization, One Brick, where she was a group leader.

  MARGOT: Sold me my wedding dress. Pastor’s daughter, was home-schooled and has seven siblings.

  MARITZA: Was my waitress at a neighborhood restaurant. Responded to my note asking her out.

  MEG: Met in college, reconnected at a holiday party.

  MEREDITH: Met at LEADS, a group for young Jews in Chicago.

  MIA: Met after she responded to my online essay. Lives around the corner from me. Loves travel and would make a great activity partner.

  MICHELLE: Met as children at summer camp. Invited to the girl-date by her best friend (and another former camper) Heidi.

  MORGAN: Met after she responded to my online essay. Was a child actress who appeared on Sisters, Roseanne, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

  MUFFY: Met through my longtime BFF Callie. From Arkansas, moved to Chicago with her husband. Went to Yale. Worked at Burberry in London and now serves on a number of Chicago auxiliary boards.

  NATALIE: Colleague of Matt’s. Invited me to join a book club and brought me to her friend’s cookie party.

  NICOLE: Met at speed-friending. Works in finance and is an amateur photographer.

  PAM: Met after she wrote an article recruiting a new best friend in the Jewish United Federation newspaper.

  RACHEL: Met in improv class. Twenty-two-year-old recent University of Iowa graduate. Goofy in a self-deprecating and endearing way. Our moms are in a quilting group together.

  REBECCA: Former office intern and senior at Northwestern University. Has
been called a “mini-me” by the coworkers who know us both.

  SALLY: Met through a mutual friend. Recently moved to Chicago from Manhattan to be with her boyfriend. On second date, went to her boyfriend’s sister’s apartment, where there was much talk of going shooting.

  SONIA: Met at a dinner hosted by Grubwithus, the social dining company. Nurse practitioner.

  STACEY: Set up through Meet Joe, the friend matchmaker. Works in marketing. A wine connoisseur.

  TAYLOR: Met at a holiday party. Recently moved from New York, where she was a children’s book editor, to Chicago.

  VERONICA: Met through the comments section of Jezebel.com. Recently moved to Chicago from North Carolina.

  WENDY: Met after she read my online essay. Does not speak in contractions.

  RECOMMENDED READING

  The books about friendship are many. Here are just a few that informed my search—whether by enlightening me to new research, inspiring me with tales of devoted relationships, or frustrating me with the brilliant authors’ lack of Chicago residency, thereby making it impossible for them to be my new BFF.

  RESEARCH ON FRIENDSHIP AND FRIENDLESSNESS

  Brafman, Ori and Rom Brafman. Click: The Magic of Instant Connections. New York: Broadway, 2010.

  Cacioppo, John T. and William Patrick. Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2008.

  Christakis, Nicholas A. and James H. Fowler. Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives. New York: Little Brown, 2009.

  Dobransky, Paul with L. A. Stamford. The Power of Female Friendship: How Your Circle of Friends Shapes Your Life. New York: Plume, 2008.

  Epstein, Joseph. Friendship: An Exposé. New York: Mariner, 2006.

  Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference. New York: Back Bay, 2002.

  Levine, Irene S. Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. New York: Overlook, 2009.

  Olds, Jacqueline and Richard S. Schwartz. The Lonely American: Drifting Apart in the Twenty-first Century. Boston: Beacon Press, 2009.

  Pahl, Ray. On Friendship. Cambridge, England: Polity Press, 2000.

  Putnam, Robert D. Bowling Alone. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2000.

  Rath, Tom. Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without. New York: Gallup Press, 2006.

  Valen, Kelly. The Twisted Sisterhood: Unraveling the Dark Legacy of Female Friendships. New York: Ballantine Books, 2010.

  Vernon, Mark. The Meaning of Friendship. Hampshire: Palgrave Macmillan, 2010.

  Yager, Jan. Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives. Stamford, CT: Hannacroix Creek, 1999.

  TRUE STORIES OF UNFORGETTABLE FRIENDSHIPS

  Caldwell, Gail. Let’s Take the Long Way Home: A Memoir of Friendship. New York: Random House, 2010.

  Jarvis, Cheryl. The Necklace: Thirteen Women and the Experiment That Transformed Their Lives. New York: Ballantine Books, 2008.

  Offill, Jenny and Elissa Schappel. The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women’s True-Life Tales of Friendships That Blew Up, Burned Out, or Faded Away. New York: Doubleday, 2005.

  Patchett, Ann. Truth & Beauty: A Friendship. New York: HarperCollins, 2004.

  Zaslow, Jeffrey. The Girls from Ames: A Story of Women & a Forty-Year Friendship. New York: Gotham, 2009.

  ADULT AND YOUNG ADULT NOVELS ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

  Blume, Judy. Just as Long as We’re Together. New York: Delacorte, 1987.

  Brashares, Ann. The Last Summer (of You & Me). New York: Riverhead, 2007.

  Dart, Iris Rainer. Beaches. New York: Bantam, 1985.

  Martin, Ann M. The Baby-Sitters Club series. New York: Scholastic.

  Sullivan, J. Courtney. Commencement. New York: Vintage, 2009.

  Weiner, Jennifer. Best Friends Forever. New York: Atria, 2009.

  BOOKS WHOSE AUTHORS I WANT AS MY BEST FRIENDS

  Crosley, Sloane. I Was Told There’d Be Cake. New York: Riverhead, 2008.

  Fey, Tina. Bossypants. New York: Reagan Arthur, 2011.

  Jacobs, A. J. The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2008.

  Kaling, Mindy. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? New York: Crown Archetype, 2011.

  Rubin, Gretchen. The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun. New York: Harper, 2009.

  RACHEL BERTSCHE is a journalist in Chicago, where she lives with her husband. Her work has appeared in Marie Claire, More, Teen Vogue, Every Day with Rachael Ray, Fitness, Women’s Health, CNN.com, and more. Before leaving New York (and all her friends) for the Midwest, Bertsche was an editor at O: The Oprah Magazine.

  mwfseekingbff.com