I need someone to tell me I can do this.
As though we’re connected somehow, Lark says, “You can defeat her, Chancery, I know you can.”
I close my eyes. I could barely defeat my half-human best friend. I love Lark and always will, but I need someone other than her to believe in me.
Alora sighs heavily. “It doesn’t really matter what I think, Chancery. The only person who needs to believe it is you.”
“Did you see that on a bumper sticker yesterday?” I ask.
She doesn’t even believe in me enough to attempt a lie. I grab a muffin and a banana and storm out of the breakfast room, bound for the car. Lark trails me, and so does Edam. When I stop, Lark continues on ahead.
“I’ll tell Frederick to prepare the car,” she says, ditching me with an angry man.
“Your sister won’t tell you straight,” Edam says. “And Lark will walk right up to the edge of the cliff and jump off with you, never once complaining. But this isn’t a movie where the impossible happens because Hollywood wants to boost ticket sales. If we had more time, you could learn what you need to know. I believe in you all the way. You can defeat your twin, but a few more days won’t give you enough time to get there.”
“And how much time would be enough?” I hiss. “Another week? Two? A month? Two months?” I shake my head. “If you don’t believe in me now, you never will. You’ll always want me to need you, want me to use you. You’ll never help me stand alone.”
Edam flushes like I slapped him. “This isn’t about my ego.” He clenches his fist and the muscles in his arm ripple up and down. “We didn’t speak much until a few days ago, but I’ve watched you my entire life.” He swallows hard. “I mean that in the least creepy way possible. Ni’ihau is a small island.”
“For a while, keeping an eye on me was your job.”
“Exactly. Everyone watches everyone in that fishbowl. But recently I’ve seen you survive and rise above. I guess you’re right that this is about me, but not in the way you think.” He reaches out tentatively and touches my arm and a tingle zips from my chest out to my fingers and toes.
He drops his hands to his sides, his voice the barest of whispers. “I want to fight her in your place because I can’t bear the thought of losing you. Surely you know that by now.”
This time when I look at him, Edam’s eyes meet mine and his fear shines through. Edam’s never afraid of anything. I should be swooning, but I’m not. Because his fear is based on an honest assessment of my skill. He thinks I’ll lose, and that’s not very heartening. I wish my mom was here, because I need her advice more than ever. How did she not anticipate Judica challenging me when she wrote that letter? A few lines telling me how to deal with this exceedingly predictable situation would have been fantastic.
Mom isn’t here, but Alora is. I call her name, and her head pokes out of the breakfast room. “I need a minute,” I tell Edam.
He nods, the set of his mouth grim.
I trot back in and close the door behind me. I don’t waste any time with Alora. “No more vague opinions or noncommittal answers. And don’t even think about telling me to follow my heart. I want to know what you’d do if you were me. Right now, with the experience you have, what would you do?”
Alora sinks into a chair. “You don’t want to hear this, and so telling you will probably cause you to retrench. You’re just like Mother. But you should take Edam’s offer and live. No matter what other hangups you may have, if you don’t defeat Judica, you die. It’s a hurdle you need to clear, and Edam’s a sure thing. That boy loves you. It’s clear in every line of his body, every look, every grunt, every moody overreaction. I didn’t tell you this before because no one else can feel what you feel. No one else knows whether this arrangement is something you can live with. But if you were ready to handle Judica yourself, you wouldn’t be so conflicted.”
She’s right. I want to be good enough, but I’m not. Edam compared me to a terminal cancer patient, for heaven’s sake. Obviously I need help.
Death of hope might be the worst kind of death there is.
“Fine,” I say. “I’ll do it. Before we head back, I’ll take Edam as my Consort and let him handle the fight for me.”
“Are you going to tell him that?” Alora asks. “Because he’s right outside.”
I nod numbly. “I should.”
Alora calls his name, and he jogs through the door, eyes scanning the room for threats. Finally his eyes stop on me. He crouches down in front of me. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “I’m fine. And I’ve made my decision. I’ll name you my Consort and let you fight in my place.”
Death of hope for me, but the birth of hope for him. I watch it spread across his undeniably beautiful face. His eyes light up, his mouth opens in a smile, and his shoulders square. “Thank you,” he says. Like I’ve offered him a present, or paid him a compliment instead of telling me he’s stuck with me for a thousand years, fighting all my battles for me, watching my back forever.
“We can talk about details later.” I can’t sit here and stare at his joy, not right now. Now when it means the last supports of my world are caving in. “I don’t want to be late.” I stand up, and Edam steps back, dropping his hands.
His eyes find Alora’s, searching for an answer. “Why are you still going to school, now that you’ve made up your mind?”
“We talked about this. Odds are high that she’s at least monitoring my movements. I can’t have her, I don’t know, bombing Alora’s house.”
“We could fly back now. No need to wait for her to figure anything out.”
I don’t have a response to that, but I’m not ready yet.
“Are you sure this isn’t about something else?” he asks.
“Like what?”
Edam clenches his jaw. “Are you going to Trinity to see Noah?”
I lift my chin. “What if I am?” This is a business arrangement, me naming him as Consort. Sure, maybe he doesn’t want to see me harmed, but more than that, he wants to change the evian world. I’m a means to an end. I’m not the end itself, and pretending I am will only hurt us both. “It’s not like you care.”
Edam turns away. “I hope you don’t expect me to go and watch you flirt.”
“I don’t expect you to come at all, Coach Renfro. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to waste any more of your time on my high school drama.”
I turn and head for the car outside, more agitated now that I’ve decided exactly what to do than I was before. Frederick and Lark are waiting when I get there, and neither of them offer criticism or advice. As though Bernard can feel my frustration and anger, he drives fast today, much faster than usual. In fact, in spite of my long discussions, we aren’t even late. But before I go into the school, I pull out my phone and call Inara. She picks up on the first ring.
“Is everything okay?” she asks. “Did you get everything I sent?”
“I did, thanks.”
“How are you?”
“Fine, I guess. Do you still think it’s the right call to name a Consort?”
“I know you’re young, and I know it’s rushed,” she says, “but I do. I really do. I think Mother was right. Alamecha needs you.”
“Well, I’ve decided to do it. I’ll name Edam as my Consort just before our flight leaves.”
“I know it’s hard, Chancy. But without the ring especially, and in the wake of Mother’s passing, Alamecha needs a strong leader. Everyone knows Edam’s an amazing fighter, so even beyond defeating Judica, he’ll strengthen your position.”
“I wish Mom was still here.”
“We all do.”
I hang up and jog to class. I slide into my seat as the bell rings.
Calculus may be boring now that I’ve figured it all out, but something about the monotony of school helps me to focus on thoughts of my future. Even so, I pity the poor idiots doomed to day after day of this kind of instruction. When Noah taps my shoulder, I drop my pencil. Bu
t then I spin around and smile at him. And I realize Edam was right. I totally came to school to see Noah.
When he leans over to hand me the pencil I dropped and our hands brush, I realize that Noah’s the reason I struggled with taking Edam up on his offer. I thought it was because I wanted to handle Judica myself, but there have been plenty of great queens who simply aren’t amazing fighters. There are other empresses who fight well but hate it. All of them have relied on their Consorts. And almost every queen uses her Consort when she’s pregnant. He’s been my best option since the moment Judica agreed I could bring him along. I wonder if she’s been planning for this contingency all week.
The day creeps forward slowly. Lark grabs my arm in the hallway. “Francy Behman invited me to her house after school. I think I should go, since I’m supposed to be developing contacts. It’s my whole purpose for being here. But if you’re leaving right away—”
I shake my head. “Go. It’s fine. I won’t leave for Ni’ihau without seeing you first. Go conquer the New York socialite scene so you can ferret out information for me.”
Lark beams.
I really hope she’s found someplace she will finally belong. Maybe here she won’t fear for her life. I really want that for her, even if it’ll never happen for me.
Noah jogs up and grabs my elbow. “You’re going to be late for history, and I need you to be on time so I can copy from your paper.”
I let him tug me toward class, suppressing my smile. Rationally I know he’s a human teenager like any other. He’s certainly no Benjamin Franklin. In fact, I barely know him. But he became my symbol for freedom, for escaping the fate I never wanted. And today I’ll be saying goodbye, to him and to any chance of living a relatively normal life.
Not that Noah knows any of that.
“Hey,” he says after school. “You didn’t say. How did the meeting with that Olympic scout go?”
I shake my head. “He didn’t even show. That coach is kind of a poser.”
“No kidding.” Noah snorts. “I could have told you that on day one.”
“Well,” I say awkwardly, wondering how to say goodbye without saying it. “I guess I’ll see you.”
“If you don’t have any scouts or meetings today, you should come hang out with me. It’s not like you need to study.” He bobs his head toward the test I’m holding from history. It’s really bizarre how their only real goal in school here is memorizing facts. I’ve known all the answers to this test since I was three, but facts alone don’t prepare you for life. It’s interpreting and processing information they should be learning, not lists of dates and events.
“No,” I say, “I don’t need to study, but I think I’m going to go for a run when I get home to clear my head.”
“That’s a bad idea. You’re too young, and far too attractive to go running in New York alone.”
I lift my eyebrows. “If I was older or uglier, then it would be fine?”
He grins sheepishly. “Maybe. Maybe not. But you’d be safer at any age if you let me come with you. In fact, why don’t we run to your house. Is it far?”
I hesitate. Should I tell a stranger where Alora’s house is? But I’ve been to his house, and Alora ran a check on him. Besides, what harm can a human really do to me? At worst, he sends buckets of roses to Alora when I don’t show up at school tomorrow. I almost hope he does do something like that.
“Gramercy Park,” I finally say.
“You’ve had a bad day,” he says. “I could tell in class.”
He doesn’t press for any answers, and I don’t offer any.
“I’ll jog over with you and take a cab back here to my car.” He taps some buttons on his phone. “It’s only four miles. Or if you want a more scenic run, if your driver drops us off, we could jog by Gracie Mansion and walk along the East River.” He cranes his neck. “Isn’t that your driver?”
I follow his gaze to where Bernard’s waiting on the curb. “Yep.”
“Where’s your sister?” Noah pays attention.
“She went home with a friend,” I say.
“So... is that a yes?”
Jogging down the East River with a cute guy and driving around town. I’m not ready to stop pretending this could be my life. And it’s not like I need to rush back to train, not anymore. “Sure. Why not?”
Noah waves at Bernard. “Hello there, sir. Are you familiar with FDR by the 9th Street Ferry Terminal?”
Bernard frowns. “I know all of Manhattan.” Which Noah probably doesn’t believe, but I’m sure is true.
“Could you drop us there so we can take John Finley down to Gramercy Park?”
Bernard looks over his shoulder at Frederick, who shakes his head vehemently.
But Frederick isn’t my boss. I’m his. And if I can watch Edam kill my sister, I can call the shots on the route for a jog.
“Today is the nicest day we’ve had since I landed in New York,” I say. “There can’t be many clear, sunny, fifty-degree days like this.” Besides. I don’t need to train with Edam, not anymore. I have all the time in the world. “So you’ll drop us off without complaint.” I pin Frederick with a stare I hope is half as strong as Mom’s.
Frederick nods, but he looks nervous. I whisper softly as I climb in the car, “You can have some guys trail me when we get out.”
Frederick’s resigned expression eats at me, but I ignore it. I’m going to be getting a lot of huffy looks in the coming weeks until people become used to the fact that I’m in charge.
When Bernard stops the car and we get out, Noah extends his arm, offering to carry my bag.
So stinking cute.
My human wannabe boyfriend is going to take my bag so my arm doesn’t get tired. I shake my head. “I’ll leave it in the car.”
“Duh,” he says. “I’m an idiot.”
“You’re a cute idiot.”
He beams at me.
We start off at a brisk pace, and I try to watch the scenery and not the human.
He doesn’t even bother to look at anything but me. “So what’s going on with us?”
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“We kissed, and from my end, there were like, I don’t know, fireworks. Literal and figurative. And then you essentially bolted after that.”
“Okay.”
“Was it really that bad for you?” Noah bumps my hip with his and the movement is so natural, so casual, so normal that it physically pains me. This is what I want. Maybe not with him, but with someone exactly like him. All the things evians can’t have, all the things I’ll never have, that’s what I long for, but is it only because I know I can’t have it?
“Things in my life are complicated,” I say. “Really, supremely, more-than-you-would-ever-believe complicated.”
“Please tell me you aren’t dating Coach Renfro just for his senior discount,” he says. “Because I’m loaded. You don’t need a discount with me at all. Like, I’ve never even used a coupon in my entire life. Not even a Groupon.”
“Wait, you have money? I heard you were at Trinity on scholarship.” I roll my eyes.
Noah stops cold and I stumble a step or two to stop.
“Seriously,” he says. “I joke a lot, but I really want to know. Did I ruin everything by kissing you? You can tell me, and as pathetic as this sounds, even if you’re not into me, I’m okay with being friends.” He cringes. “Or, you know, I’ll try and figure out how to be okay.”
“You barely know me,” I protest.
“I’ve seen enough.”
He’s seen enough. It’s my appearance, I realize. My perfect DNA is hard for humans to ignore. Of course he’s into me, what with raging teenage boy hormones. At least with Edam I know he likes me for more than my looks—since Judica’s match mine precisely and he detests her.
“Noah, it’s not—”
He kicks a soda can. “It’s not you, it’s me?”
“Huh?”
“Nothing,” he says. “I promise not to bring it up again, okay?”
/>
Unlike every other person I know, practically, Noah wants nothing from me except my time and company. He doesn’t want power, or prestige, or position. He’s not asking for a favor, or hoping that I’ll owe him one in the future. Because he has no idea who I really am. It’s nice pretending. Really nice.
“You miss her, don’t you?” he asks. Before I can respond, he says, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pressed you, or badgered you to talk about your mom or us either. I’m so used to being selfish that sometimes I don’t even realize when I’m being a jerk.”
I shake my head. “I miss her every minute of every day. I think I always will, but you didn’t know her so it’s okay. No one knows how to act around me, even my own family. I get it.”
“I wish I did.”
“Me too,” I say. And I mean it. Mom would have liked Noah’s insouciance, his snark, and she would have hated it a little bit, too. Which I would have loved.
He reaches over and takes my hand with his, lacing our fingers together again and it’s so easy and relaxing and calm. He doesn’t say anything else, and he doesn’t try to run again either. He simply strolls along the road next to me. I can almost pretend we’re normal high school students walking amidst shoppers, joggers, moms with kids in tow, bike messengers, and groups of teenagers. When I look over my shoulder, I notice Donovan and Renni in black, strolling down the road. If I glance far ahead, I see Mathias and Simeon, but other than that, I can almost pretend I’m not who I am.
“It’s really beautiful in the spring,” he says. “In a few more weeks, these streets will be lined with cherry blossoms and, you know, leaves on the bushes.”
“It’s already beautiful,” I say. “Look at the people on the benches, and the people running to make it to a meeting. They all have a purpose, they’re all doing what they can with the time they have.” Alora’s right. Humans have a different perspective because their time is so limited.
“You’re introspective today. If you get any more somber, I may drag you back into the river.”
Displaced (The Birthright Series Book 1) Page 31