She leant towards him and put her lips to his questioningly. This time, he didn’t protest. Instead, he took her face between his hands and responded with equal passion.
‘For us,’ he murmured, as he stroked her cheek gently. ‘Even God can’t deny me this.’
The following morning, Abi watched Luca as he stepped out of her bed. When he left the room to take a shower, she lay staring up at the ceiling.
All those years of wanting him, dreaming of his touch and, last night, it had finally happened.
And today he would walk away from her and – she had to accept this – almost certainly it would be forever. She knew she couldn’t go on hoping and wishing. For her own sake, she had to finally move on.
Abi swallowed hard and steeled herself not to cry. She rose from the bed that had been the scene of their lovemaking and began to dress hurriedly, then headed to the sanctuary of the kitchen before Luca emerged from the shower.
‘I must leave now.’ Luca’s eyes searched hers as he appeared at the door.
She stood up and went to him, and he cradled her in his arms.
‘Did it make a difference?’ she asked. ‘I thought perhaps . . .’
‘Yes, it made a difference. I love you and I have no guilt about what we have done.’
‘Then stay. Stay here with me. Please, Luca, I need you.’ Her tears fell onto the roughness of his coat. ‘Ask me to wait for you, please. I will, I will . . .’
Luca, too, was seconds from breaking down. ‘No, cara, I can’t and mustn’t give you any false hope. However much I wish to ask you to wait for me. I must tell you no. I’ve asked too much of you already.’
‘Yes, I’m sorry, I promised myself I wouldn’t make a scene. You need to be going, I know.’ She peeled herself away from him, brushed away the tears hastily and followed him to the door.
‘Ciao, amore mio.’
Abi watched in silence as he walked down the steps. He turned and smiled up at her. Then, with a small wave, he was gone.
52
Rosanna heard the Jaguar sweep into the drive. She watched from the sitting room window as he walked across the gravel, then she went into the hall to open the front door.
‘Principessa.’ His arms went around his wife and he cradled her head against his chest. ‘Rosanna, cara, I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry.’
‘Roberto, let us go and sit down. We must talk.’
‘What is wrong? Is it Nico?’
‘No.’ Rosanna led him into the sitting room and indicated the sofa. ‘It is me.’
‘You are ill?’
‘Maybe in a way, yes, I have been,’ she agreed.
‘Then you must tell me what’s wrong.’
She sat down next to Roberto and took his hands in hers. ‘Roberto, have you any idea how much I have loved you – adored you – since I was eleven years old?’
‘I know, principessa. I’m the luckiest man in the world. I do not deserve you, I never have. But I’m a changed man, you will see. Nico’s illness and . . . other events have made me realise what I have been. I am going to cancel all my commitments for the next few months. A complete sabbatical, time to be with you and Nico, to get him well again.’
Rosanna smiled sadly, remembering the last time Roberto had made a similar promise. Then she shook her head.
‘This is not about you, Roberto. It’s about me, what I want,’ she said gently.
‘You want me here at home with Nico, don’t you?’
‘I used to think that might be the answer, and yes, you could take a sabbatical, but then, after a while, you will long to return to your other world. It’s the way you are, the way it will always be. We . . . our love, it can never work.’
‘What are you trying to say to me, Rosanna? That you wish me to leave?’ He looked incredulous, half believing it was a joke.
‘Yes, Roberto. That is what I wish. And if you love me, then you will do as I ask.’
Roberto ran a hand through his hair. ‘No, no, Rosanna, you don’t mean this. You love me, you need me. You know we are meant to be together.’
‘Maybe we were once, but not now, not in the future.’
Roberto stood up and began to pace the room. ‘You cannot mean this, you cannot. Not after what I have just . . .’ He shook his head and slumped back down into a chair.
‘What is it you have just done?’
‘I meant I’ve taken a decision, the most important decision of my life. From now on, I will put you and Nico first. Nothing else matters to me. Only you, only Nico.’
Rosanna tried to gather her thoughts, to explain to him as rationally as possible how she felt.
‘Roberto, everyone who cares for me has always been worried about our relationship. At first I thought it was only jealousy, that they couldn’t bear to see us together and so happy.’ She sighed softly. ‘But now I understand. They saw how you changed me, how I became selfish, how my love for you overtook everything else. It wasn’t your fault, it was mine. I didn’t see this clearly until I put our child’s life at risk. He might have died, Roberto, and I wouldn’t have been there.’
‘Cara, you cannot let go of our love for one mistake!’
‘Roberto, don’t you see that was just a symptom, not a cause?’ she begged him. ‘When I’m with you, I’m not myself. I drown in you and the love I have for you. Please, try to understand – it isn’t because I don’t love you that we must part, but because I love you too much.’
‘No! No! Please, no!’ Roberto put his head in his hands and began to sob. ‘I cannot live without you. I cannot!’
She cradled him in her arms. ‘Caro, if you love me as you say you do, then you will go, give me a chance to have a future as the person I think I can be, want to be. Roberto, if you care for me at all, you must see what I am saying is right. For once I want you to be unselfish. Don’t make this any harder than it is already.’
He looked up at her, utter devastation in his eyes. ‘It is really what you want?’
‘Oh yes. I don’t think I have a choice.’
‘Maybe you just need some time, principessa. The shock with Nico, it has confused you, made you overreact.’
‘No, it hasn’t. It’s made me see things clearly for the first time. I’ve seen who I’ve become and I don’t like her. My obsession with you has damaged many people’s lives. And now, I want to be me again. Or at least to find out for the first time who I am.’
Slowly, he began to understand what she was trying to say.
‘And what of Nico? You will deprive him of his papa?’
‘Roberto, I have thought long and hard about Nico and whether I’m being selfish to ask you to leave. But we owe it to him to give him at least one parent who will put him first. And I can’t do that when you are with me.’
‘You’ll let me see Nico?’
‘Of course. Whenever you want, as often as you wish. We can organise it, I’m sure.’
‘Is this . . . forever?’
‘I think it must be.’
‘I . . . When do you want me to go?’
‘As soon as possible. The longer you are here, the harder it will be.’
Roberto gulped back the tears as he stood up. ‘Rosanna, if I could find the words that would change your mind, I’d give up everything, my career, everything.’
‘You may think that now, but you know as well as I do, deep down, that is not the answer. It would create more problems in the future than it solved. And it wouldn’t be fair for me to ask it of you. Tell me you understand, Roberto. It’s important to me that you do.’
He walked towards her, held out a hand and she stood up. He traced the contours of her face with trembling fingers.
‘Yes, principessa, I understand. I understand now that it was you that I should have put first. It was our love for each other and for Nico that really mattered. And the tragedy is, I’ve learnt all these things too late. Don’t blame yourself, Rosanna. It’s my fault we’ve come to this, all my fault.’
‘We must both take equal resp
onsibility for the mistakes we’ve made.’
‘Rosanna, I must tell you one thing. If you ever change your mind, please, all you have to do is tell me and I will be back by your side.’
Rosanna walked with him out of the sitting room and towards the front door.
‘I will go and say goodbye to Nico at the hospital,’ he muttered.
‘Of course.’
‘Anything . . . anything you need for him or yourself, just ask. I will not let my pride get in the way, as I did in the past.’
‘Thank you, Roberto.’
‘I must feel you in my arms one last time.’
She went to him, and they stood holding each other as if it was impossible for either of them to let go.
Rosanna felt that her heart might actually break in two. ‘Thank you for understanding. I will never stop loving you. Never,’ she whispered.
‘Nor I you.’ He tipped her chin up towards him and they kissed for the last time, their tears mingling. ‘I will be waiting for you, principessa. Always.’
The Metropolitan Opera House, New York
So, Nico, that was how Roberto left us for a second time. It will be very hard for you to understand how your mamma could love someone the way I loved your papa, yet know I had to let him go. I had sent him away, after all those times I’d been alone and desperate for him. But I knew it was my only chance.
We saw each other occasionally over the next two years. I was determined I would not deprive you of your papa, however hard it was for me. I knew how much you loved spending time with him. Roberto insisted on sending you to all the best specialists to see if your hearing could be improved, but there was little they could do – the damage was irreversible.
It was ironic, Nico, as, when I did see your father, I really felt he had changed for the better. It was as if, after all those years of behaving like a child, he’d finally grown up. There was a quietness, a wistful quality about him that seemed to have replaced the arrogance of the past.
Then one day, as we watched you playing in the garden, he told me he was going to curtail his heavy work schedule. He would still sing, but he’d had a mild heart attack and the doctors had recommended a strict diet and a much quieter lifestyle. He was going to live at the villa in Corsica and any time we wished to visit, we were welcome. I knew, of course, that while I would send you, it was wrong to go myself. Any more than a few hours with him and I’d be back to where I started. And yet, we never discussed divorce. It was unimportant to me. I knew I would never marry again and he knew he wouldn’t either.
I won’t say that period was easy for me, but I’d spent so much of my past living for Roberto, I was determined to make the most of each second I had in the present. That is why I tell you now, Nico, to hold on to and appreciate every moment. Never let a day slip by without taking the most from it, because you will never have that day again.
And I was so lucky I had you. I was very proud of you, Nico, the way you adapted to your disability. With the help of the best hearing aid, it was possible for you to continue a relatively normal life. There was frustration, but there was a lot of laughter as well. And what you couldn’t hear, you made up for with your eyes. You missed nothing.
And Ella, my dear, sweet Ella. The summer after Roberto left, she won a place at the Royal Academy of Music. Roberto not only insisted on paying her fees, but we also agreed she could use our house in Kensington, where he visited her whenever he was in England. He was so very caring towards her and the two of them struck up a close friendship.
As for my own career . . . well, after what had happened to you, I couldn’t bear the thought of ever leaving you again.
There was only one thing that troubled me. I hadn’t heard directly from Luca since our argument, apart from a number of postcards from Zambia all written to you. There was never a forwarding address. And Abi, too, was distant. At the time, I believed it was because she was so wrapped up in her successful career as a novelist and I didn’t give it much thought . . .
53
Gloucestershire, March 1985
Rosanna left the church hall, hating the moment when she left Nico at playgroup. But it was important for him to socialise with other children, to live as normal a life as possible. He loved going there and the organiser had assured her that he was getting along just fine.
She checked her watch. She had three hours to kill. Usually, she’d drive home and spend the time doing domestic chores. But today Rosanna decided she’d do some shopping instead.
Entering a small boutique, Rosanna picked out a new outfit for Nico and a scarf for Ella. She emerged carrying her parcels and walked down the bustling Cheltenham street. Ambling past a bookshop, she paused and looked in the window. It was filled with a large display of Abi’s new book.
‘Aria’
The title filled her with curiosity. She’d bought a couple of Abi’s books before and had read them with enjoyment. Rosanna pushed open the door to the shop and walked across to the table on which a pile of Abi’s books were stacked.
‘Personally signed by the author,’ read the banner above the pile. Rosanna wondered why, if Abi had been in the area for a signing event, she hadn’t popped in to say hello. She picked up a copy and read the blurb on the back.
From the author of Sometime Soon and Forever comes a stunning new bestseller to delight her many fans. Taking a world she knows intimately, Abigail Holmes brings us a story set in the world of opera; a tale of forbidden love, ambition and the sins of the past that weave an intricate tangle of emotions.
Rosanna took a copy up to the desk and paid for it. Then she strolled along the street to a small teashop she was fond of. She ordered a coffee, sat down at a table, opened the book and began to read.
‘Hello.’
Rosanna looked up, startled.
‘Stephen, hello.’ Rosanna knew she was blushing.
‘How are you?’
‘Fine, very well.’ She felt awkward and embarrassed, but reasoned with herself that Stephen must have wanted to speak to her. He could easily have walked straight past.
‘How’s the family?’ he enquired.
‘They’re well, although I don’t see Roberto very often. He lives in Corsica these days.’
‘Does he? I had no idea. I thought you two were back together.’
‘We were, but then . . . well, it’s a long story,’ she shrugged. ‘Can I buy you a coffee?’
Stephen looked at his watch. ‘I’m meeting someone here in ten minutes, but yes, that would be nice.’
Rosanna ordered a coffee for both of them as Stephen sat down.
‘Stephen, I’ve been meaning to apologise to you for the past two years and, to be absolutely honest, well, I’ve never plucked up the courage to do it. Anyway, now we’ve met, I must say it: I behaved very badly and very selfishly and I’m terribly sorry, Stephen, really. Especially after all you did for me and Nico.’
‘Thank you, Rosanna. That means a lot.’ Stephen took a sip of his coffee. ‘I was devastated when Ella told me, and I have to admit I was pretty angry you didn’t even contact me to explain what had happened yourself. But,’ he shrugged, ‘it’s all water under the bridge now.’
‘I’m so sorry, Stephen. Can you forgive me?’
‘In my heart of hearts I always knew you’d go back to him. I knew I could never compete with the great Roberto Rossini. But I don’t regret our time together and I hope you don’t either. And yes,’ he added, ‘I forgive you.’
‘Thank you. I suppose all I can say is that I did come to my senses shortly after Roberto returned.’ Rosanna sighed. ‘It wasn’t only you I hurt, Stephen, and I’m ashamed of the way I behaved then. I ended up cutting myself off from many people who had cared for me.’
‘So tell me, just out of interest, after reuniting with Roberto, why are you now separated?’
‘Oh, it’s very complicated, but something happened to make me realise I was unhealthily obsessed with him.’
‘What was that?’
<
br /> ‘Nico became sick while I was abroad with Roberto. As a result of acute measles, he now has badly impaired hearing.’
Stephen looked stunned. ‘Oh Rosanna, I really am sorry. The poor little chap.’
‘Yes. It was hard for all of us. But I’m happy to say he’s now doing well.’ Rosanna took a sip of her coffee. ‘Anyway, how are you? How’s the gallery?’
‘Fine, and yes, the gallery’s going very well. I’ve just bought an old house on the other side of Cheltenham. It’s being renovated at the moment, so I’m out antique-hunting. Maybe you and Nico would like to come over and see it sometime? I’d love to see him again. I really was awfully fond of him.’
‘That’s kind of you, Stephen, but—’
‘Rosanna, there’s no reason why we can’t be friends, is there?’
‘No, of course not,’ she agreed.
‘Ah, there she is.’ Stephen looked up as the teashop door opened. A willowy blonde walked towards them and Stephen stood up.
‘Rosanna, this is my wife, Kate.’
‘Rosanna Rossini! Oh, I’m so pleased to meet you. I don’t know much about opera, I’m afraid, but Stephen’s talked about you often.’ There was no edge to Kate’s voice, just genuine warmth as she held out her hand.
‘And it’s lovely to meet you, too,’ Rosanna replied.
‘I think I told you that Rosanna has a lovely little boy, darling. I’ve invited them over to the house for a cup of tea.’
‘Great, we’d love to have you,’ smiled Kate. ‘Now, I’m sorry to drag him away, but we’ve got heaps of shopping to do. Houses don’t decorate themselves unfortunately.’
‘Yes, darling, we must get on.’ Stephen stood up. ‘Thanks for the coffee, Rosanna. We’ll give you a ring and make a date. Take care of yourself.’
‘Goodbye, Stephen. Bye, Kate.’
Wistfully, she watched Stephen wrap a tender arm round his wife as they left the teashop. But there was no point in dwelling on what might have been, and she was glad to see him happy and settled. She glanced down at her watch and saw she was already ten minutes late picking up Nico.
The Italian Girl Page 44