by Julia North
‘Well?’ says Nat.
Elsa sighs and turns to Nat. ‘I really don’t know, but blood means death so it’s maybe not that surprising. As for the other parts, I guess we did have some great fires on the beach with toasted marshmallows.’ She gives a wry laugh. ‘The only rabbit memory I can think of was when we stole the school bunnies.’
Nat gives a small laugh. ‘The three bunny burglars – I’d forgotten about that,’ she says. Suddenly her expression falls. ‘We didn’t really help them much though. Dingaan and Shaka ripped them to shreds. We should’ve thought about the dogs before we put them in the garden.’
Elsa frowns at her. ‘Hmm, I know, but maybe that’s why you dreamt about the blood and the foot coming off.’
Nat shudders. ‘Maybe. It’s just there’re so many weird things happening, Elsa. I know you don’t believe me, but I really did sense her yesterday and smell her perfume, and now this nightmare. I don’t know, but inside I just have such a strong feeling that something’s not right in all this. I really do.’
Elsa looks at her with serious blue eyes. ‘Nat, there are no such things as ghosts. People don’t come back. You’ve got to remember you’re still in shock and that will colour how you experience things, as well as what you dream about.’
A long sigh judders out of Nat. ‘Lissa’s not gone. None of us truly die.’
Elsa pulls down the corners of her mouth. ‘You know my stance on that but …’ she glances down at her watch and flicks away a dog hair from her trousers, ‘… as far as I remember from what Pastor Jorge taught, only familiar spirits are supposed to come back, not the real person.’
Nat clenches her fists and frowns. ‘Maybe you’re right,’ she whispers. ‘I know she’s in heaven.’
Elsa gives Nat a sad smile, ‘Well, like Shakespeare says, more fool you for mourning our sister, who’s in heaven.’
‘I did sense her,’ says Nat, ‘I’m not making it up or imagining things.’
‘Okay, let’s just leave it. I don’t want to argue.’ Elsa clears her throat and fumbles through her briefcase. ‘I need to get these papers to the Executor – you sure you’re okay on your own?’
Nat tucks her hair behind her ears and nods. ‘Yes, I’ll be fine. I’ll see you later.’
‘Take it day by day.’ Elsa gives Nat a hug, ‘That’s all we can do.’
Anger prickles through me as I think about Elsa’s words. She’s right to a point; I should be in heaven, not here. Who’s controlling all this and why won’t they at least let me give them some sign?
Chapter 26
It’s early morning and I’m back in Elsa’s dining room with no idea of how many days have passed. Karlos sits at one end of the table. My legs grow weak and my hands tremble as I move towards him. Seeing him this close up, smelling him, taking in every little detail, the short brown hairs of his beard, his rugged tanned arms, his brown eyes, is too much. The noise of my longing is deafening. I’ve wanted to see him again so badly, but I expected it to make me feel happy, not raw. Why was our time together so short? It’s so incredibly unfair. Before I can stop myself I’m right next to him and running my fingers through his hair, wishing that my energy could join with his so that he can sense me, or at the very least smell my perfume like Nat did. But he is oblivious to any part of me. Nat isn’t. Her nose twitches and she frowns as her eyes flit anxiously around the room. Why can she sense me, but Karlos can’t?
Elsa flicks, straight-backed, through the wad of papers with her red nails. She takes one out and reads through it with lawyer eyes. Seconds later she slams it down with a sigh and looks up. ‘The Executor will see us again next week.’ She turns to Karlos. ‘She’ll notify you as well. Lissa’s divided everything between the three of us.’ She pauses and studies him in silence for a few seconds. ‘How come Lissa changed her will?’
Karlos shrugs. ‘They kept telling us at Shaloma that alcoholism was a fatal disease. I didn’t make her do it if that’s what you’re insinuating,’ he snaps. ‘I also made one and left things to her.’
Elsa blinks away. ‘Fine,’ she says.
I think back to Shaloma. We certainly heard the ‘fatal disease’ bit enough times which is why Karlos suggested making one. I guess I can understand why Elsa with her cynical lawyer’s brain will question me having a new one, but she needs to realise that her and Nat don’t need money, while Karlos does. Of course I would include him.
Nat looks from Elsa to Karlos before searching across the room. Elsa tilts her head to one side. Her nostrils flare and she gives her head a small shake as if she can also smell my perfume. The door opens and Eunice comes in. Her face is serious and she’s carrying a small parcel wrapped in brown paper. She stops when she sees Karlos and frowns.
Karlos gets up. ‘I must go. You sure you want to keep those? Shouldn’t I just give them to the Executor?’
Elsa looks directly at him and back down at a pile of papers. ‘No, it’s okay. I’ll give them in.’
Karlos shrugs. ‘If you’d told me you wanted them I would have brought them. I thought someone had broken in.’ There’s a tone of accusation to his words. ‘I had no idea you had a key.’
‘It’s still Lissa’s house. She gave me a key and I have every right to let myself in.’
The air grows tense. Nat shifts on her chair, making the leather squeak.
Karlos holds Elsa’s gaze for a second before muttering, ‘Goodbye.’ He turns and paces towards the door, brushing straight past me but still showing no sign that he can sense my presence.
Why the hell’s Elsa so aggressive? Can’t she see he’s in pain and feeling awkward? There’s no need to take her hurt out on him.
Eunice follows Karlos and I hear the security gate click closed. She returns and pulls out a chair as if she’s about to take a meeting. She plonks the small brown paper parcel on the table. ‘I have spoken to the Sangoma,’ she says, looking at Nat and then Elsa with a grim expression. ‘She says Lissa is not at rest.’
Nat exchanges a quick glance with Elsa.
‘She needs the donation,’ continues Eunice. ‘We must go to the river.’
‘A donation?’ Nat places her fingers around her gold cross which hangs around her neck and covers it with her fingers.
‘The Sangoma says without it she cannot rest.’
‘Eunice, I don’t know about talking to the Sangoma,’ says Nat.
‘You must not fear her. She speaks with Yesu as well as the ancestral spirits.’ Eunice’s face grows stern and she speaks to Nat as if she’s a little girl again.
Elsa’s fingers freeze around the wad of papers. She looks up at Eunice with narrow eyes and sighs before biting her bottom lip.
‘The Sangoma says that Nkosi did not make the time for Lissa to come.’ Eunice looks intently first at Elsa and then at Nat. Nat swallows and her eyes widen.
The three of them sit in silence while the questions march through my mind. What does Eunice mean? If God didn’t deem for me to die then who did? I squeeze my eyes closed and will my mind back to that night. I’m sure Karlos and I both had our normal cup of tea before bed that night. I can remember that much. So when did I drink alcohol? When? The memory of Karlos’ comment in the hospital stabs me. I’m sure he didn’t mean to say I could be hiding my drinking. I think he probably just said it because he was in a state of shock and Elsa was so angry. He knows I wasn’t drinking. We spent nearly all our time together. He would’ve smelt it on me? Karlos was with me all night until he went to the gym at 5am so how on earth did I wake up fitting just over two hours later? What happened between five and seven to cause something like that? Did someone knock me out and force a bottle of whiskey down my throat? Who would want to do that and how? I’d have choked on it. Nothing makes sense. Nothing!
Nat’s voice is a whisper. ‘What kind of donation, Eunice?’ She hunches in on herself, her hands clasped together so tightly that her knuckles turn white. ‘I don’t know if I like the idea of talking to ancestral spirits …’
/> ‘It is no problem to talk to them,’ says Eunice with a frown. ‘It must be the stone with the prayer and the money that will let the ‘amadlozi’ help her. I have taken the stone from Lissa’s garden. We must take it to the river now.’ Eunice’s mouth is a firm line, her tone is authoritative and it’s clear she won’t take ‘No’ for an answer.
Nat tenses and clenches her fingers more tightly around her gold cross. Elsa gives Nat a ‘Let’s appease her’ look and scrapes back her chair. ‘Okay, Eunice, if you think it will help, then let’s go.’
Eunice’s face relaxes and she picks up the parcel. Nat purses her lips together and frowns but follows them out of the house. As they reach the driveway Nat pulls Elsa to one side and whispers, ‘I’m really not happy about this.’
‘Oh for goodness’ sake,’ snaps Elsa, ‘let’s make Eunice happy. It’s all rubbish anyway.’
Nat’s eyes narrow and she glares at Elsa. ‘I’ll go, but I’m not taking part.’
Elsa rolls her eyes. ‘Come on, before Eunice realises you’re being stupid.’ She hurries towards the BMW and the waiting figure of Eunice, while Nat paces behind with a worried frown across her brow.
I’m already waiting on the opposite bank of the Umgeni River as the three of them make their way down to the edge. Elsa and Eunice move towards the water until they reach the lapping edge, while Nat remains behind on the muddy bank, staring poker-faced at the brown rolling waters. Eunice tucks her dress into her knickers on two sides while Elsa rolls up her jeans. The two of them make a strange picture standing barefoot in the soft brown silt of the river. Eunice tilts her head up to the sky and closes her eyes as if in prayer.
‘Okay, Eunice?’ says Elsa, ‘Do whatever it is you need to do.’
Eunice nods. She holds the brown parcel in one hand and unwraps it in slow, sure movements like she’s undoing a baby’s nappy. The underbelly of a smooth beige river stone peeps out from a flapping white paper cover. The stone I would guess is from my rockery. The paper on top looks like a letter and is half-wrapped around the body of the stone and secured with an elastic band; the pink of a fifty-rand note flutters from under its edges. If it wasn’t for the fact that they’re so filled with pain I think I’d burst out laughing at the dark comedy of it all. The South African exchange rate is plummeting; just as well they don’t need to donate pounds.
Eunice cradles the stone in her upturned palms. ‘I will throw it far in the water and then we must kneel and pray.’ She wades past a bunch of white crested reeds on the edge of the brown rippling water and moves forward until it laps strongly just below her knees. She braces herself, legs apart, and pulls back her arm before catapulting it forward. I watch as the stone sails over the flowing water until it hits the surface with a perfect plop, shooting up circles of rising water towards the blue African sky. Then I’m underwater, at one with the stone, watching it keenly as it somersaults down through the muddy brown water. The dangling roots of reeds sway next to me like ghosts, waving me on as I dive beneath them. The donation plunges deeper and deeper through the murky depths. The words of the letter drift out at me like the bubbles of a fish’s breath:
‘Amadlozi,’ they proclaim. ‘Bring peace to Lissa’s soul.’ My spirit aches as I read them; there’s nothing funny about it any more, and I close my eyes in silent agreement.
Chapter 27
Nat, Elsa and Karlos sit tight-faced in front of a desk. A woman dressed in the blue Standard Bank uniform sifts through papers. I flinch as I realise it’s my will. She shoves a paper in front of Karlos and he signs it. Elsa looks at him with hooded eyes. Nat sits tense and silent, staring in front of her. The woman pushes two papers towards Nat and Elsa which they sign in silence. The room is tense and hot despite the air conditioning.
‘Thank you. Things should be finalised in approximately four months. I’ll be in touch as soon as I hear.’
As they exit the building Karlos turns to my sisters, ‘Stay well,’ he says.
Elsa gives him a curt nod, while Nat manages a half-smile. My spirit tightens. Can’t they see he’s in pain? They know how much I loved him. Can’t they at least try to be nice for my sake?
Elsa watches Karlos stride away. ‘I don’t like him, I really don’t.’
‘I can see that,’ Nat says.
‘Why’s he even here? Liss hardly knew him, for fuck’s sake. How long was it? Four months? That’s nothing.’ Elsa gives her head a shake. ‘There’s something off about him.’
Nat bites her bottom lip. ‘Do you think he had something to do with Lissa’s fit?’
Elsa stands staring into space, her face etched in thought. ‘Quite possibly. I wouldn’t put it past him … I just don’t know how to get to the truth.’ She lets out a long sigh. ‘Let’s go for a drink.’
‘Oh Els, please, no.’
‘Don’t be stupid, Natalie,’ says Elsa, glaring at her. ‘I don’t mean get drunk. I just need something to relax me. Surely you do too?’
Nat nods. ‘What an awful day … everything’s so surreal.’
‘Beyond awful,’ says Elsa, ‘that’s why I need a drink. Come on, let’s drive out to the thousand hills. I need some scenery and some space. We’ll go and see Mom later.’
A cocktail of sadness and confusion sits deep in my spirit as I watch my two sisters walk away arm and arm and melt into the crowds. I guess Elsa’s just speaking from her pain. Surely she can’t think that the drink is going to help after all we’ve been through. How things have turned – now it’s me worrying about Elsa drinking. An intense feeling of hopelessness washes over me. Why do I have to see all this like some helpless watcher? Why can’t I just go on to heaven and be happy?
Chapter 28
I’m standing barefoot in a sea of soft, swaying grass the colour of the Granny Smith apples I used to love as a child. The sky above is a cloudless indigo and the air is heavily scented with a mix of rose and honeysuckle.
Perhaps God’s realised it’s too painful for me to be back on earth, or perhaps Eunice’s donation has done the trick and moved me on? I see Elsa and Nat on the far side of the field. Our eyes meet. Relief floods Elsa’s face. Her whole being smiles out as she lifts up her hand and waves. It’s so good to see the sadness gone. I smile back from across the apple-green field and lift my arm to return the wave, while I scan the horizon behind them, half-expecting Mom to also come to say goodbye, and then to turn behind me and see Dad waving his love to us all and calling for me to join him.
I try to step towards Elsa and Nat to give them one last hug goodbye, but my feet refuse to move. Elsa sees my effort and tries to come towards me. Nat does the same. We stare at each other, all willing ourselves to move so that we can just touch for one last time, but something’s holding us back.
A loud crack deafens my ears. The sky above has darkened with thick black clouds. They roar closer and closer, smothering with their gloom, swallowing the living colour and turning it to ugly sepia brown.
Nat and Elsa’s faces cloud in fear as the shadowy figure of a man swirls above. Another resounding crash of thunder booms through the air, and the shadowed man clouds over me. I scream as dark liquid drips in burning drops from his fingers. My body jerks. Oh God, I’m convulsing again. I watch transfixed as white froth spits from my open mouth and drifts in front of my eyes like lost sea-foam.
I jerk away from the horror of the vision. I’m in the parking lot directly in front of Elsa’s BMW. My sisters sit motionless in the car, staring forward with glazed eyes. They stare for a few more seconds before Nat blinks and gives her head a shake. She rubs a shaky hand across her forehead and turns to Elsa.
‘Els … I’ve just had another weird experience …’
Elsa blinks and stiffens. She turns to Nat and her eyes bore into her. ‘What happened?’
Nat shrugs her shoulders and reddens slightly. ‘I don’t know, really. It was like I went into some kind of trance … I saw Liss in this vividly green field … you were with me … we were on one side and Liss on
the other.’ Nat frowns while Elsa pales. ‘It was so beautiful. It was as I imagine heaven would look and it felt so peaceful, so serene. We tried to go to her but couldn’t move … it looked like Liss was trying to get to us but couldn’t, then storm clouds suddenly came … they changed into this dark shadowy figure who totally destroyed Liss …’ Nat rubs her hand across her forehead and places her head between steeple fingers before shaking it slowly from side to side. ‘It was horrible … really horrible.’
Elsa’s eyes are transfixed on Nat. ‘This shadowy figure … did he destroy Liss by burning her?’
Nat gives a small nod. Elsa shakes her head before leaning forward onto the steering wheel. Nat touches her shoulder. ‘Elsa … what’s wrong?’
Elsa lifts her head. ‘I think we must’ve somehow shared some kind of trauma-related hallucination. I’ve just had the exact same experience.’
Nat jerks back like she’s been slapped. She stares at Elsa. ‘Right this minute?’
Elsa nods.
‘What’s happening, Els? What the hell’s going on?’ Nat’s voice rises in pitch with every word. She leans over to Elsa with earnest eyes. ‘I can sense Lissa so strongly again right now … something is not right. There’ve been so many things. The dream, that donation … now this. I’m sure Liss is trying to tell us her death wasn’t natural, Els. I’m sure she is. Otherwise, why would this all be happening?’
‘Nat, I’m sure there’s a perfectly sane psychological explanation for it, but at the same time, like I said, I want to find out what Karlos knew about her drinking that night. I’m sure he’s hiding something and I don’t like the fact he’s got a third of Lissa’s estate when he’s only known her for such a short time. It’s got nothing to do with anything supernatural.’
‘I think you’re just blind to the supernatural, but I also don’t trust Karlos. Maybe we should find out more about him. I can’t believe Liss suddenly drank. I saw her the day before and she was fine. I’d have known if she was drinking.’