Dance of the Deadly Dinosaurs

by Jackie French

  ‘I so didn’t need to know that…’

  ‘Is that stream safe?’ he asked Yesterday.

  Yesterday shut her eyes. She frowned slightly. ‘I think so. It’s not water, but we can drink it.’

  ‘What about lurking mutant mermaids or fanged octopuses?’ demanded Princess Princess.

  Yesterday shook her head.

  Boo trotted over to the stream and began to lap. He gulped the first laps quickly—there was a lot of widdling to make up for. Then the taste slipped across his tongue.

  ‘It…it tastes like dead rat with a touch of beetle!’ he announced. His tail wagged as he lowered his head to lap again.

  ‘Yuck! Yuck, yuck and triple yuck! Why do I have to be stuck with the most yucky Heroes?’

  Boo looked up. ‘Rat-and-beetle is one of the most popular flavours in our shop! Mum makes rat-and-beetle cones for the ice cream.’ Suddenly he stopped. Streams didn’t naturally come rat-and-beetle flavoured, he thought. Just like forests never had a hundred different kinds of fruit all growing together, ripe at the same time. He caught Yesterday’s eye.

  ‘The Greedle,’ she said quietly. ‘The Greedle loves food. And this is the Greedle’s world.’

  Boo nodded slowly. Everyone had assumed that because the Greedle destroyed other worlds the Ghastly Otherwhen would be all horror and confusion. But maybe they’d got it wrong. ‘Maybe,’ he said softly, ‘the Greedle has made his universe into just what he likes best. Soft grass. And everything delicious to eat…’

  And just maybe, he thought, Mum’s given the Greedle the recipe for the rat-and-beetle flavour. Which meant that Mum really was here somewhere and probably still alive…as long as she hadn’t run out of recipes.

  The biggest dinosaur gave a high chirrup, as though to say it was all very well for werewolves, zombies and humans, but where was the food for pink dinosaur poodles?

  Boo turned to Yesterday. ‘Have your dinosaurs got names?’ I can’t go on thinking of them as Big, Bigger, Massive and Dancer, he thought.

  ‘Of course. That one’s Greeeeee’glnt. This is Psttttweeeeeeee…’

  Boo put his head on the ground and covered his ears with his paws. ‘I can’t even bear the sound! There’s no way I could say it! What does it all mean?’

  ‘Their names mean Big.’ Yesterday gestured at the middle-sized dinosaur, the one with spikes along its back and an extra long spike on its tail. ‘BIG,’ she added in a yell for Mug.

  ‘Good name,’ boomed Mug.

  ‘This one is Massive.’ The giant dinosaur with too many teeth and claws longer than Boo’s body bowed slightly. ‘This is Roary.’ The smallest dinosaur peered down at Boo and roared politely at the sound of its name.

  ‘And this one,’ Yesterday smiled at the dinosaur who had danced with her…Was it only a week ago? marvelled Boo…‘this is Dancer.’

  ‘Huh,’ said Princess Princess. ‘In my family we all have at least six names each. And—’

  ‘Have we finished drinking?’ asked Yesterday. ‘We’re not going to find anyone to tell us where the Greedle’s headquarters are here. And the dinosaurs are getting hungrier.’

  ‘Greeeek!’ agreed Massive. It looked hungrily down towards the village.

  For the first time in his life Boo hoped there were bogeys about. Otherwise what were the dinosaurs going to eat?

  What did the maggot say to the werewolf?

  Hello. Doo doo you deliver?

  That dumb puppy hated it when I told jokes about werewolves at school. He didn’t even think they were funny!

  FROM MYBLOG! MYACTUALBLOG!@BLOGVERSE.BLOG

  23

  A Widdle in the Otherwhen

  Any moment the bogeys are going to attack, thought Boo, as the Heroes tramped down the road between the fields.

  Except they didn’t. So far the Ghastly Otherwhen was conspicuously empty of bogeys. Instead all they were finding was more and more things that poodlesaurs didn’t like to eat.

  Poodlesaurs didn’t like liquorice tree trunks. They didn’t like mint leaves either, even if they were so sweet they made Boo’s teeth ache. They didn’t like honeycomb cobblestones or the chocolate hedge outside the neat little farmhouse, tucked into the fields of purple popcorn and spaghetti bushes.

  Mug looked disappointedly at the spaghetti bushes over the hedge. ‘Spaghetti here no wriggle,’ he complained.

  ‘Spaghetti isn’t supposed to wriggle, you dumb zombie,’ said Queen Splendifera of Yukke sweetly. ‘I SAID IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO WRIGGLE. And don’t do that,’ she added to Boo.

  Boo put his leg down. ‘I was just going to leave a few drops on this tree.’

  ‘Someone might eat that tree. It’s…’ Princess Princess tasted a bit of bark. ‘Black jellybeans with a touch of celery. They don’t want to eat doggie widdle too.’

  Boo wriggled. He needed to widdle. It wasn’t just a full bladder after drinking from the stream. All his werewolf instincts were telling him to widdle now!

  He waited till Princess Princess was a little way in front, then lifted his leg quickly against the chocolate hedge. Just one tiny trickle. No one would ever notice…

  ‘Eeeeeeeek!’

  A sweet little old lady peered over the hedge. Well, she was sort of like a sweet little old lady, Boo decided, even if she had three heads, each with neat grey hair, wrinkles, a smile as big as a frozen Rat Surprise and eyes stretched wide in horror.

  ‘What are you doing?’ demanded Head Number Three.

  ‘He’s widdling,’ said Head Number One in a tone

  of even greater horror despite its smile.

  ‘He can’t be!’ Head Number Two sounded disbelieving. ‘No one would widdle on the Greedle’s chocolate hedge.’

  Boo peered up at them. ‘Er, sorry,’ he said.

  ‘What sort of creature would widdle on a hedge?’ said Head Number Three, shaking itself in disbelief.

  ‘A poodle!’ Queen Splendifera hurried back towards them. ‘I’m dreadfully sorry. He’s too dumb to housetrain,’ she added. ‘But he’s very tender. Do you think the Greedle will like him?’

  All three heads looked at Boo consideringly, their smiles still wide and happy. ‘Too skinny,’ said Head Number One.

  ‘But he might be all right stuffed,’ decided Head Number Three. ‘Is he really tender?’

  ‘All my poodles are totally tender,’ promised Princess Princess. She beamed at the heads. ‘I’m Her Majesty Queen Splendifera of Yukke, by the way. I’m bringing these poodles as a gift for the Greedle.’ She waved her hand at Boo and the poodlesaurs.

  ‘Grrrrrrroar,’ said Roary.

  Heads Number Two and Three blinked. ‘That doesn’t sound very poodle-like.’

  ‘He has a cold,’ said Queen Splendifera hurriedly.

  ‘Attishoo,’ said Boo helpfully.

  ‘They all have colds.’

  Head Number One nodded. It looked even happier now, as though if one more pinch of happiness was added it would float away. ‘It’s been a bad season for colds. But you make sure they’re better before you give them to the dear Greedle. We don’t want him to catch cold too.’

  ‘Oh, deary dear no,’ chorused Heads Two and Three.

  ‘Of course not,’ said Princess Princess brightly. ‘I wonder: have you seen the dear Greedle lately?’

  Head Number Two shook itself. ‘Not for weeks. But I’m sure he’ll love your poodles.’

  ‘Then could you perhaps guide us to the Greedle’s headquarters?’

  ‘Oh, you don’t need us to guide you, dear, I mean Your Majesty,’ said Head Number One. ‘Just follow the road.’

  ‘We’re a bit busy at the moment,’ said Head Number Two. ‘It’s time for the spaghetti harvest, you know. We have to supervise the harvesters.’ She gestured out at the fields.

  For a moment Boo couldn’t see anyone out there. Then he noticed tiny baskets of spaghetti moving between the rows. Caterpillars, he realised. A thousand tiny caterpillars were harvesting the spaghetti!

  ‘
Caterpillars have so few brains,’ said Head Number Three gaily. ‘The spaghetti would never get to the dear Greedle if we didn’t supervise them. And the popcorn is almost ripe too. Bye now.’

  The heads vanished back into the fields.

  Boo followed Princess Princess down the road, trying not to tug on the lead (he just wasn’t used to walking in harness) till they were safely past the farmhouse. ‘Don’t you think that’s suspicious?’ he hissed.

  ‘What?’ asked Princess Princess.

  ‘That they don’t like widdling? Remember how I widdled in the Greedle’s ice cream? I bet the Greedle has forbidden everyone in the Ghastly Otherwhen to widdle…’

  ‘I think,’ said Princess Princess primly, ‘that they just don’t like scruffy little dogs. Now let’s find some dinosaur food. Fast.’

  ‘Grooooooar,’ agreed Roary.

  Knock knock.

  Who’s there?

  Boo.

  Boo who?

  BOOOOOGEYYYY!!!!

  24

  Meeting the Menu

  ‘You gots good food for dinosaurs?’

  ‘Dinosaurs?’ The café owner rubbed his hands together…or his front tentacles, anyway. He was the most withered octopus Boo had ever seen. He looked like he’d been left on the line to dry with the rats for the Dried Rat Surprise. A third tentacle held a notebook and another a pen, while the others served as feet. He blinked at the dinosaurs. ‘They look like poodles to me.’

  ‘They’re rare dinosaur poodles,’ explained Princess Princess quickly, glaring at Mug. ‘Much juicier than ordinary poodles. And bigger, of course. I’m Queen

  Splendifera of Yukke. Our roast dinodoodles are the most delicious thing in the universes. But we need to keep them nice and fat for the Greedle.’

  The café owner’s expression cleared. ‘Ah, of course. I am happy to serve you, glorious Queen. Serving you and your poodles will be almost as good as serving the dear Greedle himself! Oh, it makes me so happy!’

  He does look happy, thought Boo. He’s the happiest octopus I’ve ever seen. His smile looks like it’s been painted on. ‘No problem, Your Majesty, Your Poodleships. Our café prides itself on perfect food for any species! Would your dinowhat’sits care to read a menu?’

  ‘I’ll read it for them,’ said Yesterday.

  ‘You gots zombie menu?’ rumbled Mug.

  ‘Naturally! Does sir prefer his food wriggling, bouncy or in need of a good thumping?’

  ‘What he say?’ Mug turned to Boo.

  ‘HE SAID DO YOU WANT TO THUMP YOUR FOOD?’

  Mug brightened. ‘Lots of thumping good.’

  The café’s…nice, thought Boo. Nice was the perfect word for it, no matter what Princess Princess said. Nice round tables, with nice spotted tablecloths, in a nice paved square surrounded by nice stone buildings. There were seats designed for a whole range of species: big low stools that the poodlesaurs could squat over; a furry cushion for Mug; a high stool perfect for helping a werewolf puppy get his nose above the table; plus four-legged chairs for Yesterday and Princess Princess.

  It was the happiest town he’d ever seen. Happy creatures sitting in the sun, all smiling at each other. Happy giant earwigs, munching what looked like a newspaper pizza; happy humans eating giant glasses of fruit salad and yoghurt; a happy purple rhinoceros wallowing in the town pond, munching long green strands of goo; and what looked like a big mutated fly perched on one of the red rooftops, slurping what smelt to Boo like a doo doo sorbet. It looked like it was a happy fly too, despite its long fangs and twisted antennae.

  All too happy. Every single one has to be a bogey, thought Boo, under the control of the Greedle.

  The wind didn’t whisper through the trees here. Instead it wheedled its way around the houses. Every time he let his mind relax he could hear it again: ‘Oh, I do love the Greedle. I’d do anything for the Greedle. The lovely, lovely Greedle…’

  How many different bogeys live here, wondered Boo, from how many different universes? And every single one of them under the Greedle’s control. There was even a big sign on the road. ‘Welcome,’ it said, ‘to Happytown.’ And then in even bigger letters, with little hearts and flowers all around them: ‘We love the Greedle!’

  The sign smelt like boiled eggs and toast, the most delicious boiled eggs in the universes.

  It had been a nice walk here too. Once past the farmhouse and the spaghetti and popcorn fields there’d been bubblers along the road, bubbling out rat-and-beetle-flavoured cordial, as well as what Princess Princess said was ‘a quite delicious cold asparagus soup’ and something Yesterday just called, ‘mmmmmm’. There’d even been a bubbler with strange wriggling things in it for Mug.

  Only the dinosaurs were still hungry.

  Boo gazed at them, pink and fuzzy, squatting next to the table with blue-spotted napkins on their knees. His Expedition was supposed to be strange, but not as weird as this. He should be battling bogeys to get to the Greedle’s fort or castle, not sitting in a café with a mob of dinosaur poodles waiting for the menu.

  He looked up at the café-owning octopus. ‘Um…could you tell us the way to the Greedle’s place?’ he asked.

  The octopus nodded its head politely, which meant that the rest of its body nodded too. ‘Of course, Your Poodleship.’ He bent confidentially towards them. ‘You will find the Greedle’s Spa and Holiday Camp just two days’ walk down the road…or scamper in your case, Your Poodleship,’ he added to Boo. ‘We have been quite worried the past few weeks. Happytown and my café are devoted to helping bogeys—like Her Majesty here—deliver supplies to the dear, dear Greedle. But you are the first supplies from another universe we’ve seen since, oh, the harvest party last month.’

  Or since the dinosaurs killed the Greedle, thought Boo.

  ‘What you harvesting?’ asked Mug, moving his left foot further away from Roary, who was still looking at it hungrily.

  The waiter shrugged, which did interesting things to his tentacles. ‘I can’t remember. There is always a harvest of some sort. Maybe it was the green jellybean harvest or the sponge cake with passionfruit icing harvest. We have so many parties too. All thanks to the dear Greedle. Where else in the universes can one live so happily as here?’ He waved three tentacles gaily. ‘But that reminds me. Your food. Your food! Your menus will be here directly.’

  He loped off towards the nearest doorway.

  ‘Spa and Holiday Camp?’ muttered Yesterday, as the waiter moved out of earshot. ‘Snazpt!’ she added to Massive, who was sniffing Mug’s other foot. Mug carefully moved his cushion further away.

  ‘The dear Greedle,’ snorted Princess Princess. ‘I don’t think so. They’ll say he has a sweet little kitten next.’

  Boo’s tummy rumbled. Kittens—yum! Mum made the best stir-fried kitten and bok choi in Sleepy Whiskers, as well as her famous ice cream.

  For a second he felt guilty even taking the time to sit here. But the dinosaurs needed to eat before they travelled any further. Soon, Mum, soon, he thought.

  ‘Excuse me, Your Poodleship, but we are your menu for today.’

  Boo glanced down, then stared. Tiny creatures peered up at the table: two fat rats, a ginger kitten with white paws and three mouse-like creatures with long forked tails dappled brown and white. The ginger kitten peered up at him happily, twitching her whiskers. ‘Please choose me, Your Poodleship.’

  ‘Uh…’ Boo gulped. He’d eaten kitten lots of times. But not one who’d smiled at him first. ‘Er, no thanks.’

  ‘Oh.’ The kitten looked sorrowful. ‘Why not, Your Poodleship? I guarantee I am the most tender kitten in the universes,’ she added earnestly. ‘All my brothers and sisters have been tender too. The Greedle even ate my cousin Claude.’ The kitten shook its furry head sadly. ‘I wish I had experienced such an honour. But it will still be glorious to be eaten by you, Your Poodleship. For when the Greedle eats you it will be eating me too!’

  One of the mouse-creatures scampered up Boo’s leg and hopped onto the ta
ble. ‘Squeak, squeak squeak!’ it said temptingly.

  Squeak stuck his nose out of the pouch on Boo‘s collar. ‘Squeak!’ he said emphatically.

  Boo didn‘t need Yesterday to interpret this time. ‘No, I‘m not going to eat any of the mice,’ he said crossly. ‘Or the kitten. And, no, not you either,’ he added quickly to the rats, who were strutting about showing off their muscles and fat tummies. ‘I—’ He broke off as more creatures approached.

  Six sheep and eight woolly lambs frisking about their mothers, a dozen guinea-pig-like creatures with plump shoulders and silver fur…

  The leader of the sheep nodded politely. ‘We are the giant economy-sized dinosaur-poodle menu,’ it announced. ‘What would your—‘

  ‘Scrlkk! Kreelk!’ Massive rose from its stool. Drool dripped from its jaws, but Boo couldn‘t tell whether the dinosaur was about to pounce or objecting to a menu that offered itself for lunch.

  Yesterday gestured to Massive. The dinosaur sat. Yesterday took a deep breath. ‘Many, many thanks for your delicious services,’ she said quickly to each of the menu creatures. ‘But we are from the, er, Universe of Yukke, remember. Yukke inhabitants have very special food requirements.’

  The sheep bowed its woolly head. ‘Just say what you require, Dear Ladyship. Tender puppies, baby ducks, anything you like roasted, running or,’ it bowed to Mug, ‘zombiefied.’

  ‘Me want zombie cheese sandwich,’ rumbled Mug.

  Boo looked at Mug with admiration. That was quick thinking! It’s so easy to dismiss Mug as dumb, he thought. The big zombie was, well, a bit brain-dissolved at times. But at others he knew exactly what to do.

  ‘Cheese sandwich for me too,’ he added quickly. ‘But without the zombiefied.’ Squeak could have a crumb of the cheese, he thought.

  Princess Princess sighed. ‘Cheese sandwich,’ she agreed. ‘But make sure you cut the crusts off!’

  Boo turned to Yesterday. ‘Do dinosaurs like cheese sandwiches?’ he whispered. You’d need a lot of sandwiches to satisfy them, he thought.