by Jessie M
At midday I haul myself up, get showered and dressed and get started on my monster breakfast. I won't need to eat another thing all day. Breakie, lunch and dinner, all in one hit. I get everything out and I'm just about to start cooking up a storm when there's another knock at my door. I open it, I know just who it's going to be. And of course there she is, looking sexy and sweet in a pale blue striped dress.
“Come in.” I say stepping to one side. Wrong move... I shouldn't be letting her in. “I'm about to cook up Sunday breakfast, you want some?”
“That would be lovely thanks. It can be my lunch.”
I start to throw it all together, I'm a good mover in the kitchen. Multi-tasking is my middle name. I get the coffee made and hand her a cup. I decide to be pleasant and try my best to forget yesterday's tease. I chat to her as I cook about nothing much. After a while we get around to the subject of Father.
“How are you and Father getting along?”
“Fine... We're having some fun together, that's all.” Ughhh... A shiver of disgust runs through me. I can't stop the accompanying look that attaches itself to my face. I don't want to think about how their fun goes down. She really is a babe and he's old. She giggles at my expression of disgust. “Oh no... not that kind of fun. George is a bit old fashioned in that sense. He's very sweet. He hasn't even kissed me yet.” Thank God for that. I suppose it'll happen sometime though, a bit further down the line.
“How did you meet him?”
“Through the courts, I work at the Old Bailey. I've known him for twelve years actually. As friends.”
“I wouldn't have thought my father had it in him to be friendly.”
“Look, I know you have your differences with him, but he's a nice, charming person once you get to know him well.”
“D'you mind me asking how old you are?” She's much too young for him, in my opinion.
“I'm 38 and I know, it's a big age gap, nearly 20 years.”
“So, are you officially dating then?”
“I don't know, we've had a few lunches and he's taken me out to dinner and the theatre... But it's early days. I'm not sure we've moved on from the friendly stage yet.” I place a plate piled high with eggs, bacon, and just about everything else a Sunday breakfast can offer in front of her. “My God. This is huge. I'll never eat it all.”
“That's a small portion.” I impress her with mine. “I like big helpings, of everything.” I give her a hot Josh smile to go with my subtly naughty comment.
“I rather thought you might.” I'm treated to her beautiful wide smile in return. What a stunning woman she is. Completely gorgeous. Lucky old Father...
We eat and chat for quite a long time about her Law Clerk job and my plans to work for Father. She is so friendly and nice, behaving herself perfectly. Not a trace of teasing or even a spark of a naughty twinkle in her eyes. Perhaps we can get along as friends after all. I start to relax a little, and let down my guard with her completely. She offers to tidy up and I let her do it as I hate that part of cooking. After a while spent watching her clear up, I stand next to her in the kitchen, cleaning up and sorting out the coffee machine.
She finishes the task and suddenly turns to face me catching me unawares with her close proximity. Oh God no... Here we are, alone, only one foot apart. I can smell her perfume. My stomach tenses as last night's tease returns very vividly to my short term memory. She looks into my eyes, that glittery sheen back in hers again. She strokes her finger down my arm slowly and gently. My skin burns with desire.
“Josh, thanks so much for lunch. It's been lovely, but I suppose I'd better be getting back now though.” Her voice is soft, sexy and warm, and it arouses my imagination in the wrong way. She turns and I walk behind her to the door. She opens it. I shut it again. She turns round and stands staring at me with fire in her beautiful brown eyes. “You don't want me to go?”
My mind is saying open the fucking door again and tell her to go, fast, before you do something you'll regret... but I end up saying. “No.” Fuck, I hate myself already. I'm a complete bastard. We look at each other for a desperate moment before I give in to the dire need that has been brewing inside of me since last night. I pull her towards me. I have to do it... I simply have to taste that mouth... Just a kiss, that's all... then I'll let her go... We both sigh as I kiss her soft mouth gently, then much harder. We sink into each other with a deep passion. Our tongues lapping in frantic ecstasy. Her arms wind around my neck. And it suddenly starts to get heated. Very heated and wild, very fast. I know within thirty seconds with absolute certainty that this kiss is racing towards the bedroom, but can I stop? No way... and she seems more than keen to go there too. I pick her up and she wraps her legs around me, rubbing herself hard against my erection. Her hands are pulling at my hair in a mad frenzy, “Jesus, Dani... Fuck... Shit, and everything else...”
“I want you so much it hurts.” She murmurs as she kisses her way up my neck and sucks at my ear. I'm hurting for her too right now, in fact one part of me is in agony against her...
“Christ, I'm dying for you. And this is wrong, so very wrong. But I just can't stop myself.” My eager fingers find their way up to her hair, winding their way through her sexy red silk. I stagger wildly towards my bedroom... then change direction. The spare room is a cleaner, better choice.
I finally get her in there, dropping her on her back on the bed. She pulls me down on top of her, her legs wrap around me tightly, trapping me against her. We are so into each other I couldn't even tell you what day it was or my last name. The whole thing is completely mad. We don't get much off before I'm deep inside her, and we're fucking like crazy. I don't use anything... My one strict personal rule is broken and I don't care... I'm on fire from my head to my toes.
“I wanted you from the first moment I saw you.” She breathes, kissing my face in a frenzy of lips and tongue.
Her hands are tugging off my T-shirt as we roll around like a pair of sex starved animals.
“Dani, oh Dani...” I groan into her ear like a man possessed. I've never wanted anyone this much. It's so overwhelming. We're panting and gasping, our hands and mouths all over each other, the clothes are finally gone somehow.
I'm licking her in a state of wild primal need, her groaning writhing body spurring me on faster and wilder. “Josh... Don't stop now, don't ... please... ” She gasps loudly and comes against my mouth in a heated rush... I bury my fingers deeply inside her. Neither of us are in this world any more. I don't know where we are. Don't even care.
An hour of very intense, out of this world fucking later, the guilt finally overtakes the passion. For both of us.
“Shit... What have we done?” She looks truly horrified.
“I know. I feel terrible.” I have actually fucked my father's girlfriend, three times. Before he has.
I'm going to the very hottest depths of hell to burn in agony for eternity with the worst of mankind. Probably for an eternity of eternities.
“It can't happen again, ever... can it?” Her brown eyes are telling me otherwise, still so full of longing.
“No.” I pull her towards me for another frantic session. I can't stop, despite the fact we both feel like a pair of completely disgusting shits... We're both going to hell already, what the fuck does it matter? And I need her. Like I've never needed anyone ever before.
Another heavenly wild fuck later and she's now in tears as she gets dressed and tries to stand up. I'm trying to hold her down and stop her from going.
“Josh please. You're making this so much harder.” She sobs. She pulls away from me and rushes to the door. I get there as she starts to open it and I turn her round, crushing her against it kissing her neck and face all over. I'm completely desperate to keep her. “No more, please, stop it!” She is fighting me off and winning.
“Don't go.” I beg her, but inside I know she has to, she can't stay here with me, it's impossible.
“I've got to. This will kill your father if he finds out. We mustn't EVER do t
his again. I mean it... And NEVER speak of it. Now please... Let me go.” She's in floods of tears as I finally give in and release her. She opens the door and runs down the stairs and back to the house.
I drop naked to the floor, with my head in my hands. Tears are gathering in my eyes. Fuck this... What's the matter with me? How can I be feeling this way? She's too old for me. She doesn't even belong to me. I hardly even know her. But I want her so much I'm blind to all that. I'm powerless to control myself. So sick with what I've done to my father, but despite all that I still want more. I want her all to myself. For the first time in my life I've found someone I really want to care about. But I can't have her. I don't fucking like these feelings, they hurt.
I get dressed and sit in a miserable trance on my sofa. The afternoon passes and it starts getting dark. I finally pull myself together enough to stand up and go outside. Father's car has gone. He's taken Dani back to London and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I feel so hurt and sick with myself I can't stand it. I go back inside and drink a whole bottle of red wine in five minutes flat and then collapse on my bed fully dressed in a drunken sleep.
Work is something I can not bear to face the next day. I call in and say I have a virus. That can last as long as I want it to. I don't bother to get changed or showered. I lay on the spare room bed looking at the physical evidence of our lovemaking. I hug the pillow and breathe in deeply through my nose. I think I can smell her perfume. But I'm probably just imagining it. I'm making myself suffer. God knows I fucking deserve it. After a long period of suffering I force myself to leave the room. I lay down on the sofa and stare at nothing for hours. This isn't healthy. It's pointless. I can't have her. Ever.
I really, really don't want to, but I roll off the sofa and get my law books out and start to do my assignments. After four gritty hours I have finished one. I feel a small glimmer of self satisfaction. That's one positive emotion going on inside me at least. I have dinner and start on assignment number two. I'm going to get three down today, then I'll only have last weeks left till I catch up.
Suddenly I'm obsessed with breaking out of my crap lifestyle. I don't know where this compulsion has come from. Maybe it's shock or acute emotional overload. Whatever the reason, I'm seeing myself in a new light and I really do not like what I see. I'm a shit awful guy. I have no respect for myself or women at all. Shagging random chicks any old where is a juvenile and frankly pathetic hobby. I'm not up for it anymore. I feel as if I've suddenly outgrown all that behaviour. I'm not giving up fishing completely. No, that's far too much to expect of myself. But I'm going to be far more choosy who I fish for and where I land them in future. How I'm going to explain this new Josh to Cal and Nate without offending them, I really don't know.
I also feel an urgent need to atone for my sins... to make up for the numerous bad things I've done. Dear God, there have been so many. In the last week alone I've hooked up with out of bounds Jodie... Come between Danielle and my own Father, in the worst way imaginable, and after he has been doing his best to make amends with me. Then there's my countless drunken and not so drunken sex antics in the past weeks, months and years... I cringe at the thought of my out of order party behaviour. That's not even taking into account the massive number of sordid club hooking sessions I've indulged in. A shiver runs up and down my spine at the thought of it all. I've been a real fucker of a man whore. And this is the end of it.
For the first time today I think of beautiful Keira imprisoned in that massive house with her drug smuggling criminal 'partner' Andrew. I'm going to get her out of there, if it's the last thing I ever do. If it's in my power to make Keira's life better, I fucking well will.
There's another good deed I want to do as well. My friend Eden. She needs to get more out of life, and some support. I'm going to make sure I give her some. Getting her drunk once a month isn't anywhere near enough.
I am suddenly full of enthusiasm and sit up until one in the morning typing away like a lunatic on my laptop. I've completely caught up with my coursework. All four assignments are done, and properly. From now on they're going to get done on time and I'm going to work my backside off to get that degree as fast as I can. My assigned tutor is likely to pass out with shock when she gets my work file in the morning. Dr. Patricia Brooks MBA, B Sc. BA. will never have to send me another snotty assignment reminder again.
Finally satisfied with my day's work I change the bedlinen on both my sex pits and put the washing machine on. I take a steaming hot shower, scrub myself vigorously all over and jump naked into my fresh bed, a new clean man, glowing from my new life baptism.
- FIVE -
As the reason for my virus is miraculously gone, I go into work the next day. Eden is so concerned about me, hugging me and telling me not to overdo it. Maybe she'll let me off stacking weights today. I get on with life, patrolling my area as usual and making sure everyone uses the equipment properly. I watch Eden as she goes about her job with her usual enthusiasm. She loves it here. I do understand why. She gets a lot of satisfaction out of transforming flabby out of shape people into toned, fitter and slimmer ones. I get it and I feel it too, to a certain extent. It's a buzz. Making someone's life better. She has a strict but friendly approach. Her male clients definitely like her style. Whatever age they are. But she's a professional. She'd never fuck a client. No matter what. In fact I don't think she shags anyone, not that I know of and I'm pretty sure she'd tell me if she had. We tell each other stuff like that. I can't imagine what it must be like for her. I start craving sex like mad if I go without for even a week. I have a sudden chilling thought. How the hell am I going to cope with that from now on? Anyway, I need to get her out somehow. So she has some fun in her life. A sudden idea enters my mind. I pop over for a chat.
“Fancy a restaurant lunch today?”
“Shall we? There's lasagne on the menu. It's my favourite.”
“It's my treat.”
“Really?”
I never buy our lunch. Eden knows I'm stuck for cash, basically because I spend whatever little is left of my salary, after my rent and living expenses are paid, on going out. She's not so broke. She gets a carers allowance for looking after her mum and her mum's small pension helps with the bills. Added to that she has her company car. Yep, she has some money to spare and nothing much to spend it on. Lucky bitch. No, I don't mean that. She has a lot to contend with. I wouldn't want her life for a second, money aside.
“I can buy you lunch now and then, can't I?”
“You never have. You're up to something Josh.” She can read me like a book, it's truly amazing.
“No I'm not.”
“Okay, you're on. Let's go at 12.30 shall we? I want to get that Lasagne before it all runs out.”
I busy myself for another hour and a half. I wander around checking the equipment for wear and tear. Suddenly in walks Jodie. She comes over to stand right next to me.
“Hey gorgeous.” I carry on doing my work, hoping she'll get the hint I'm not up for a chat.
“Are you busy?”
“Yeah, kind of, I'm working, you know...”
“It'll only take a second. Come outside the door.”
I follow her outside into the corridor. I am concerned about what she's going to say, but mostly curious.
She's a little pink cheeked. “Josh... I've met someone and we're going on a date. So, I can't see you on Thursday.”
“Oh, right, well no problem. We were just hooking up anyway, weren't we?” I make sure she gets the point for future reference by telling her straight. I'm pleased for her. She deserves better than me. I'm no good for her. No fucking good for any woman really.
“Yeah. See you Joshie.” She gives me a quick peck on the cheek and disappears back inside the gym. I follow her in. Thankfully Eden didn't notice any of that, she's busy doing some paperwork with her head down and looking in the other direction.
I go over and remind her it's time for lunch and we leave the gym in the capable hands of Martin for a qui
ck half hour. I get us a couple of portions of lasagne, a salad to share and a strawberry smoothie for Eden. She likes those.
“Fancy a night out with me on Thursday?” I never ask Eden to go out anymore because she always says no. She looks at me with such a sad expression.
“I'd love to but you know I can't. I'm not leaving Mum alone all evening as well as all day.”
“Get Jordan to come in and sit with her.” Jordan is a sixth former at the prestigious Colchester Royal Grammar School, and lives next door with his parents. I imagine he is a step above the usual gang youth you see hanging around, up to no good on street corners. I'm sure he'd love to have a few extra quid in his pocket.
“Don't be daft. I can't leave my mum alone with a 17 year old boy.”
“Yes you can. It's just for a couple of hours. They'll be fine.”
“Look, I'm not standing about while you go fucking around in Envy if that's what you've got in mind .”
I ignore that. She knows me too well. I've told her everything I get up to. Maybe that was a mistake. “I thought we'd have some dinner and do a bar for a couple of hours. It'll give you the chance to get all dolled up for once, won't it.” I'm subtly telling her she has to, if she comes out with me.
“Well I suppose I could. What sort of times are we looking at? I'll have to see if Jordan can do it first, he might be out.”
“Let's say 8.30 till midnight, shall we? I'll stay at yours if you don't mind?” Eden lives a walk away from town and I've stayed before, when I've drunk too much at her place. Her sofa's just about big enough to sleep on.
She smiles at me with delight. “No problem. I'm sure my mum fancies you like mad. It'll make her day to see you undressed on the couch in the morning.”
I try not to feel too sick at the thought of Mrs Saunders lusting after me. She's a sweet grey haired lady for fuck's sake. I decide it must be the dementia doing things to her brain. It's not her fault.