‘I am a good listener. And you may trust my discretion.’
He shook his head. ‘I cannot burden you...anyone...with this.’
‘Why do you presume it will be a burden? Truly, I should like to help, if I can, by listening. Truly,’ she emphasised, as he clearly wavered.
He rubbed his hand across his jaw and then propped his elbows on his knees and stared into the fire. How she longed to take him in her arms and comfort him, but she could only offer words.
‘Guilt,’ she said, ‘is a destructive emotion. Do not allow it to fester inside you and taint the rest of your life. And that of your children.’
He stared at her. ‘You think it will affect them?’
‘It is bound to. It will bring you low, and that will upset the children. They are more sensitive to such moods than you might realise. Some children more than others, of course. I am speaking of Stevie, in particular. He is your heir. You do not wish him to suffer because he cannot understand his father’s unhappiness, do you? A sensitive child such as he might interpret your unhappiness as a sign of discontent with him. He will lose confidence.’
She’d pushed him as far as she could. She could tell it, by the firming of his jaw and the sudden shuttering of his expression. He would not confide in her—hardly surprising, when she was nothing more than his governess. She’d been in danger of forgetting the difference in their status; she’d been close to thinking of him only as a friend in need of help and understanding.
‘My children will not suffer. From now on, they are my only priority. I am perfectly able to control my mood when I am with them, I assure you.’
There was nothing to be gained by pursuing the topic. She must be content she’d said her piece and that Dolph might reflect upon her words. She burned to know what else he had referred to—who else he had let down—but she doubted she would ever know for sure. She suspected, however, he meant his late wife. Rebecca.
‘I doubt not your ability, nor your good intentions towards the children, for you have already made great progress. All children have a need to feel secure and to feel loved, and already both boys are more confident in your company. Tomorrow will surely only help to build upon that foundation.’
He smiled at her then. ‘That is my hope. And I plan to take them out riding every afternoon, when the weather allows...always supposing their strict governess will permit such outings.’
Leah laughed to hide the shaft of pain she felt on hearing those words. She would not be here to approve or disapprove, and that knowledge cut deep. She rose to her feet.
‘I shall bid you goodnight, sir. It is late.’
He stood too, bringing them face to face. So close she could make out the black flecks that dotted his irises and the silver threads scattered through his dark brown hair. She should step back, but her muscles would not obey her. His musky male scent surrounded her, wreathing through her senses. Her pulse hammered, and all she could hear was the sound of her own blood pounding through her veins. Saliva flooded her mouth, and she swallowed. She wanted to kiss him. Wanted to taste him again, before she left. Without volition, her hand rose to rest on his chest, the silk of his waistcoat cool and smooth to her touch.
His eyes darkened. ‘You are a remarkable woman, Miss Thame.’ His voice deepened. ‘Leah.’
Leah’s stomach swooped. She could not tear her gaze from his.
‘Your hair...’ He threaded one finger into her hair at her temple and lifted it away, working a tendril loose to slide through his fingers. ‘It reminds me of the colours of autumn...all the colours interwoven and changing according to the light.’ He repeated the action, freeing more of her hair, allowing it to fall to her shoulder and over her breast. ‘Stunning,’ he murmured, closing his hand around it, lifting it and then allowing it to slide through his grip. Before she knew it, the pins that had secured it were on the floor and her hair was loose, spilling over her shoulders.
Leah’s pulse quickened as her breasts grew tender and her limbs heavy. She stared up at him, captured by the intensity of his eyes, more black than grey behind the heavy lids. She licked lips that had suddenly dried, and his gaze released hers as it moved down to her mouth. His hand cupped her chin and he lowered his face to hers, but the moment before their lips met, he whispered, ‘May I kiss you, Leah?’
Her heart tumbled in her chest. She would be gone by the end of the week. She may never see him again...and, God help her, her lips craved his. This need had been building since the moment she had seen him again...his stark masculinity attracting her like no other man ever had. It was nothing more than a kiss... As long as she remembered that and did not allow herself to indulge in foolish daydreams, there would be no harm. And where was the harm if she wanted to taste him before she left? They were both adults. He was trustworthy; she felt it deep in her bones. He would not kiss and tell, unlike Viscount Usk.
She nodded. For whatever reason, he found her attractive—red hair, freckles and all—and he wanted to kiss her, and it was a pure thrill for a woman like her to know she aroused desire in such a man.
His mouth touched hers, warm and smooth and tasting of brandy. His arm swept around her waist, supporting her, and she needed no urging to step closer, relishing his solid strength as she moulded her soft curves to his hard, muscular body. Her eyes closed as his fingers curved around the back of her head, threading through her hair, his lips moving over hers. Her lips parted to the nudge of his tongue, and a low groan rumbled through him as he deepened the kiss.
It was a dreamy kiss, a kiss to melt into, slow and sensuous as tongues caressed and lips moved. Despite her best intentions, a myriad of hopes spun through her, overcoming her caution. What if Dolph did have feelings for her, beyond the physical? What if he could grow to love her?
Eyes closed, Leah gave herself up to the sensations tumbling through her. Her fingers hooked into his shoulders as the strength in her legs dissolved and pure need flooded her body, thrumming through her with every beat of her heart. A groan vibrated in her throat, and she pressed closer in an attempt to soothe the ache in her breasts. Every nerve in her body seemed to be linked to the sweet spot between her legs, and her hips moved, tilting of their own volition. She met each thrust of his tongue with one of her own, opening to him, responding to a rhythm that came as instinctively to her as breathing.
His hands dropped to her bottom. His fingers spread and gripped, lifting her against him. She moaned to feel his thick, hard length press against her belly, and without volition, she moved, rubbing her body against him, her nipples aching. He tore his mouth from hers, trailing hot, open-mouthed kisses along her jaw. Her head tipped back, and he feasted on the sensitive skin of her neck, nibbling, licking, kissing. Then his hand was on her breast, squeezing, moulding, and the yearning sensation between her thighs exploded, craving more. And more.
But just as her conscience began to reassert itself, with the reminder this was wrong, she must stop this now, Dolph abruptly released her, steadying her with his hands at her waist. Both were breathing hard as they locked eyes.
‘I am sorry. I should not have done that.’
‘You asked. I said yes.’
‘That is true.’ Dolph swept one hand over his head, then half turned from her. ‘But I had to stop it going any further. It would be unfair when I can make you neither a reputable nor even an irreputable offer.’
He means as his mistress. Horror flooded Leah. Why would that even enter his head? She would never accept such a position, even without the children to consider.
‘I pay your wages. You are a respectable female living under my roof and I am responsible for your welfare and your reputation.’ He paced the room a moment before halting in front of her, his grey eyes rueful. ‘I cannot deny I am attracted to you, Leah—you would not believe me if I tried—but the children are my main concern. They need you far more than I do. I will not risk their happiness.’
How she longed to tell him then she was leaving—that the boys would lose her anyway—but she did not, for the conviction grew that it would make no difference. Dolph had been clear he would never remarry—his love for Rebecca must have been true and strong—and even though, in her fantasies, she had been guilty of imagining a future here as Dolph’s wife and as the children’s stepmother, she knew in her heart that could not be. Even if Dolph did not still love Rebecca, the fact remained he was an earl and she, Leah, was a baseborn nobody. Besides...would she truly choose to marry a man whose sole purpose was for her to be a replacement mother for his children? Even if she loved that man?
‘I understand,’ she said.
‘I’m sorry. I think we must agree to redouble our efforts to avoid being alone together in future.’
‘I agree.’ What more could she say?
Tomorrow...as soon as she had spoken to Philippa...she would tell him then. And she would leave immediately. There was no point in further delay; it would just get more and more painful. And though she reminded herself she had a whole new life to look forward to in London, the thought of her future resulted in the taste of ashes in her mouth, and the pain of sorrow in her heart.
Chapter Fifteen
Steven and Nicholas could barely contain their excitement the following morning when their father decreed the ground had softened enough to allow them to go and look at the ponies that afternoon. Leah was exhausted by noon, especially after her restless night. She wondered if Dolph had any idea how demanding they would be on the drive over to Hewton, and how he and Hinckley would cope with two small boys in such a highly excitable state. But Dolph managed the problem by the simple expedient of allowing the boys to sit up on the box seat next to Travers, the coachman, while Frinton—the Dolphin Court head man who was going with them to help judge the suitability of the ponies for the boys—climbed into the carriage with Dolph and Hinckley. Leah watched the carriage drive away and then climbed into the buggy that had been brought around for her to drive over to the vicarage.
Philippa was expecting her, as Leah had sent a note that morning, asking if she might call upon her, and had received a delighted reply in the affirmative.
‘This is delightful,’ Philippa said, as she and Leah settled in front of the fire in the parlour with a pot of tea and a plate holding a delicious-smelling, freshly baked apple cake.
Philippa poured a cup of tea for Leah. ‘Would you care for a slice of cake?’
‘Yes, please.’
Philippa cut a slice and handed a plate to Leah with an impish smile. ‘Look at us...social visits and taking afternoon tea like two ladies.’ She cut one for herself and bit into it, chewing with a beatific smile on her face. ‘You never know,’ she continued after finishing her mouthful, ‘one day, maybe we will both be ladies.’
Leah balanced her plate on her knee as she sipped her tea, ruthlessly crushing the little kernel of hope that had sprung into existence at some point during the long, sleepless night. She was afraid of that hope, for what good would it do? Hope born out of the realisation that Dolph liked her. Desired her. And she must marry someone in the next twelve months. Under eleven months by now.
But Dolph was still an earl, still grieving his wife’s tragic suicide, still battling his own guilt, and she had heard herself his vehement vow to never marry again. Allowing her hopes to stray in his direction was futile. Besides, she still had her dream of love within her marriage, and she was sure marriage with a man she loved but who could not offer her love in return would be a recipe for heartache.
She longed to unburden herself to Philippa but, now she was here, she didn’t know where to start. So she began with the easy—for her—bit.
‘May I speak to you about Lord Hinckley, Philippa?’
Philippa’s smile disappeared. ‘Uh-oh. This sounds serious. He has asked me to call him George, you know.’
‘I don’t doubt it.’ Lord Usk had begged her to call him Harold, too. It meant nothing, but silly females gave too much credence to such matters. ‘But...do take care, my dear. Hinckley is an earl, living a very different life from yours. I cannot help but be concerned—’
‘That I have fallen under the spell of his silken words and extravagant compliments?’ Philippa shook her head and laughed. ‘Leah, you goose. Do you really imagine I am such a country miss I do not understand His Lordship is amusing himself with a flirtation while he rusticates in the country? Believe me... I am in no danger of expecting anything more from George than the chance to spend time with an amusing gentleman who, I admit, makes me laugh. I enjoy his company—and I believe he enjoys mine—but I will not lose my heart to a man who will be gone from here in a few weeks with never a backward look.’
Leah stared at her friend, then shook her head, smiling ruefully.
‘I have underestimated you, have I not?’ Philippa’s customary good sense appeared firmly in place where Hinckley was concerned. ‘I am relieved you are blessed with such clear sight. Please forgive my interference.’
Philippa reached across and squeezed Leah’s hand. ‘I appreciate you were concerned enough to warn me. You truly are a good friend.’
Leah then found herself the subject of a searching look.
‘And, as your friend,’ Philippa continued, ‘I would be remiss if I did not mention you are looking fagged to death, Leah. What is it?’ She moved to sit next to Leah and took her hand. ‘Tell me,’ she urged in a soft voice. ‘Are you...are you ill?’
‘No. It is nothing like that. But I do have something to tell you.’
She told Philippa about Lady Tregowan’s will, and that she must leave Dolphin Court soon.
‘There are conditions to our inheritance. We must all move to London by Easter at the latest, and we must live together there for the duration of the Season, after which we may choose to live either at Falconfield Hall or remain in London. And we must each marry within a year, but we must not marry the current Lord Tregowan.’
‘Would he not be your half-brother, though?’
‘No. The Tregowans had no children. The current Earl is the son of a distant cousin who fell out with the former Earl over some matter or other.’
‘But...’ Philippa’s brow wrinkled. ‘So...you have two sisters you knew nothing about?’
‘Half-sisters. Yes, but please do not tell anyone—that secret is not mine alone to reveal.’
‘You know you may rely on my discretion. But...why are you still here working for a pittance as a governess now you are wealthy? It makes no sense to me. What has Lord Dolphinstone to say about your good fortune?’
‘Ah.’ Leah fiddled with her skirts, pleating and repleating the fabric.
‘Leah! You have not told him, have you? Why ever not? You must give him time to appoint another governess. You cannot leave him in the lurch.’
Leah bit her lip. ‘I know. You are right. But...you were there when I arrived home that day, Philippa. You saw how angry he was. I was afraid he would send me away immediately if I told him the truth, and how could I leave the children at the very moment their father returned? I just wanted to help the boys adjust to their papa being home before I unsettled them further with the news I must leave.’ Leah forced her next words through a throat clogged with unshed tears. ‘Philippa... I dread saying goodbye to the boys.’ She closed her eyes and groped for her friend’s hand. I cannot pretend to myself my heart is not breaking twice over now. ‘And to their father,’ she added in a strangulated whisper.
‘Oh, Leah.’ Philippa hugged her. ‘I suspected... I noticed, yesterday...but I did not like to say anything. But His Lordship appears very taken with you, and George said it’s the first time he’s shown an interest in anyone since his wife died. Is there no chance? After all, your circumstances have changed. You will no longer be a governess but a lady of means. And if you must marry anyway...’
Her voice trailed
away. But Leah could not allow herself to believe, not after what had happened in the past and despite that tiny seed of hope still lodged deep inside her heart—the hope that, faced with the fact of her leaving, Dolph might realise he could not let her go. But pride would never allow her to admit as much, not to anyone.
‘No,’ she said. ‘His Lordship is adamant he will never remarry. And although that inheritance will make me more acceptable, the circumstances of my birth will count against me. Except, of course, with gentlemen with pockets to let who will, of course, overlook such unsavoury details.’
Philippa squeezed her hand. ‘We are a fine pair, are we not?’
Leah dragged in an unsteady breath and opened her eyes. The time had come. If she stayed, she would only fall more hopelessly under Dolph’s spell. She must try to look forward instead, to the new life that awaited her with Aurelia and Beatrice.
‘Philippa?’
Philippa tipped her head to one side, her eyes big with sympathy. ‘Leah?’
‘Might I impose upon our friendship? Would you agree to step in and care for the boys until His Lordship appoints another governess?’ There. She had said it. The die was cast. ‘I will tell him at the earliest possible opportunity,’ she rushed on, ‘and then I shall tell the children, and...and... Oh, Philippa!’ She gulped back her emotions as they threatened to erupt. ‘I could not bear to linger once they all know. It will be too painful.’
‘Hush.’ Philippa squeezed Leah’s hand. ‘Of course I will. Just send me word when you know the day.’
Leah forced a smile and squeezed her friend’s hand in return. ‘Thank you. I shall miss you, my dearest friend.’
Philippa’s smile was sorrowful. ‘I shall miss you too, and I wish you all the luck in the world when you go to London.’
The Rags-to-Riches Governess--A Cinderella Regency Romance Page 14