by Amy Woods
“What is it, Shi?” Lucy asked, trying to keep her tone casual.
“Well, remember how I told you about the dance coming up at school?”
“Yeah, I remember,” Lucy said, a worried tingle going up her spine.
“And remember, how I told you a while back about that guy I sort of like?”
Lucy opened her mouth wide, unable to hide her surprise that Shiloh had decided to share something so personal with her with Sam present. She shot a glance over at him, but he was avoiding her eyes, purposefully it seemed.
It was sudden and strange to have him share this moment with the two of them, but wasn’t she the one who had just been mourning the lack of a father figure in Shiloh’s life? Plus, it didn’t escape Lucy how much the three of them sitting at the table, talking and hanging out, felt like family. She sat back in her chair, letting herself pretend that that’s what they were, enjoying the image while it lasted.
Shiloh stopped fiddling with her lemonade glass and looked at both of them, her eyes wide and filled with sorrow. “Well, it turns out that even though I wanted to go with him to the dance, he definitely didn’t want to go with me.”
Shiloh’s words pierced through Lucy like an arrow, and she resisted the urge to take her niece in her arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay. It was funny how often in her time as a parent that she had that feeling. It was a constant battle to try to decide whether or not she should tell Shiloh the truth, or to let her figure out on her own that sometimes the world was a painful place. Sometimes everything was not going to be okay. Lucy knew that most parents battled with that, but with Shiloh, who had experienced so much pain already in her young life, it was even harder for Lucy to see her suffer any more..
Lucy opened her mouth to console her niece but Sam spoke first.
“Obviously the guy’s an idiot,” Sam said. “So it’s a good thing he didn’t ask you to the dance. Because we—” he glanced at Lucy as if to ask permission to use the word, and even though its intimacy jolted her a little, it seemed right, so she nodded and he went on “—definitely don’t want you going with someone like that.”
Lucy couldn’t have said it better herself. Shiloh seem to agree, because despite the sadness that had been in her eyes only seconds ago, a wide grin now spread across her face.
“Thanks, Sam.” She looked up at their new friend with blatant admiration on her face, and Lucy’s heart suddenly felt as if it was too big to remain inside her chest.
“Sam’s completely right.”
Sam caught Lucy’s eyes across the table, and Lucy had a brief understanding of how it must feel to raise a child with another person. To have someone to look to when you weren’t sure whether or not you were doing the right thing. It was an amazing feeling, and she wished she could bottle it and keep it on her shelf for when Sam eventually went away and she was alone again. All the time, since she’d quit dating, Lucy had convinced herself that she was fine on her own, that she knew what she was doing and that she alone was the best person for the job of parenting Shiloh. She didn’t need any help from anyone else. But sitting there with Sam, who seemed to know his place while also offering guidance when Shiloh sought it out, made Lucy wonder if it wouldn’t be worth getting back out there again. The problem was, now that she had been around Sam, no one else would be good enough.
“So, now that this guy’s out of the way—and good riddance, if you ask me—who are you going to take with you?” Sam asked.
Shiloh looked down into her lap, suddenly very interested in the fabric of her jeans. “I...I don’t think I want to go anymore.”
Sam was silent for a moment, giving Shiloh her space. Lucy admired his patience.
“Why in the world not, honey?” she asked. Shiloh looked up at her from her jeans, as if Lucy had just sprouted a bean stalk from her forehead.
“Geez, Aunt Lu,” Shiloh spat out.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. Just trying to be helpful. I don’t want you to miss out on this dance. Even though you’re not going with this boy, I don’t think you should let that keep you from being there with your friends. Don’t let a boy stop you from having a good time.”
Shiloh rolled her eyes. “It’s just not the same. I wanted to go with him, and since I don’t get to do that, I just don’t want to go at all. End of story.”
Lucy didn’t want to say it, because she knew Shiloh would deny it, but she truly did know exactly how her niece felt. She remembered back in high school when prom came around, and she had a similar experience. It was wrong to project her own feelings onto Shiloh, but she couldn’t help it. That kind of teenage heartbreak hurt very deeply, and she didn’t want her niece going through the same thing, let alone shying away from an experience just because of a guy. Lucy wanted her niece to be all the things she had not been at her age—independent, confident, brave. Most of the time Shiloh was all of those things and more, so Lucy hated the fact that the lack of attention from a boy was causing Shiloh to build a shell around herself.
Lucy raised her shoulders, preparing herself for the fallout that she knew was going to come. She would push through anyway, because she knew it was the right thing to do. “I know you disagree with me here, but I really think that you should still go to the dance.”
Shiloh pushed her chair back from the table quickly, and without a word she headed over to stare out the window.
Great.
“What did I say this time?” Lucy asked Sam. He met her eyes, and all she saw there was compassion, no judgment.
“It’s not really anything that you said,” Sam offered, his voice low and soothing. “I think sometimes teenagers just want us to understand what they’re thinking without having to say it. I know it’s not the same, and I’m not comparing your situation to mine, but I had the same sort of issues with my mom when I was growing up. Near that age, you have all these emotions flooding through you all the time, plus the hormones, the peer pressure and the stress, and I think sometimes it just builds up. There were a lot of times when I wished that my mom could just intuit what I was thinking, so I didn’t have to try to find a way to explain it to her, but of course that was almost impossible. I wanted her to be a mind reader.”
“How do you know so much about raising a kid?” Lucy asked. “How can you be so smart about all these things, when I’m so clueless about them? Maybe we should trade places.” Lucy let out a sad little giggle, but when she looked at Sam again, the expression on his face was startlingly serious. Before she had a chance to ask him what he was thinking, what had put that look there, he gave her another warm smile.
“Do you mind if I ask you something?”
“Of course not,” Lucy answered “Anything.”
“Okay, why does it matter so much to you that she goes to this silly dance? She’s only in middle school—there will be other dances. Why is it so important to you that she go to this specific one?”
“It’s not that this dance is important—it’s just that...I’m worried that if she doesn’t go to this one, that she won’t go to the next one, and eventually she’ll stop going to anything that presents a challenge for her. She’s at an impressionable age, and I’m worried that if she doesn’t go, because it makes her uncomfortable, then she’ll learn to avoid things that might stretch her.”
Sam’s features were filled with understanding, and he nodded his head. “I can totally get that,” he said, “but at the same time, if it hurts her to go, then maybe it’s best if she just sits out on this game, and goes to the next one.”
“I know. I know,” Lucy said. “Sometimes it’s so hard knowing what the right thing is. Sometimes I don’t know what to say to her. She has...challenges...that other kids don’t. Most of the time we just go through life, she and I, pretending that everything is fine. And just because she’s in a wheelchair doesn’t mean that she’s not a regular kid. But then when something like this happens, I know what she’s thinking. I know she’s wondering whether or not that boy not asking her to t
he dance has anything to do with her physical condition.”
“What makes you think that? That might not have even crossed her mind. And actually, because of the way you’ve raised her, I think it would be just as safe to assume that it hasn’t.” Sam leaned over, placing his elbows on the table. His eyes bored into hers with a passion that she hadn’t seen there before. “You’re doing an amazing job with her, Lucy. But she’s at an age where she needs to start feeling out life on her own. She needs to start making her own decisions, and if that includes deciding not to go to something, then maybe you should leave that up to her, and just be there to support her.”
Every fiber of her being bristled at Sam’s words. On some level, she knew he was exactly right, but at the same time, what right did he have to interfere, to tell her how she should parent Shiloh? Yeah, they had grown close over the past few days, but he had just crossed a line.
“I do nothing but support her,” Lucy said. “My entire life is supporting her.”
Sam moved his hands toward hers and Lucy knew he was going to touch her. Before, she would have welcomed his skin on hers. Earlier that day, she had felt so close to him—as if they were building, if not something romantic, then at least an important bond. It broke her heart that the words he’d spoken now had almost completely shattered the way she had felt that morning.
As Sam’s hand moved to close the open space between them, Lucy pulled hers away fast, unable to stand the thought of such intimate contact after what he’d said.
“I’m so sorry, Lucy. I shouldn’t have implied that you’re not supportive of Shiloh,” Sam said. “And it’s not what I meant. Anyone can see that you’re doing an amazing job.”
Lucy knew he meant the words as comfort, but she’d already heard the omitted accusation in them, and it was too late for him to take them back. “Yeah, it’s just that the best I can do is not good enough.”
“That’s not it, Lucy. I—”
Lucy stood up from the table, the confusing emotions bubbling around in her chest too much for her to manage. She composed herself and made her face as neutral as possible. “It’s fine,” she said. “I think it’s best if Shiloh and I go on and head home for the night. You can let yourself out.”
Sam’s eyes were filled with questions, but he didn’t say anything. Lucy grabbed her keys from the table and walked away to tell Shiloh it was time to go, leaving the lemonade—and her heart—behind with Sam.
* * *
A half hour later, Sam still sat at the table where Lucy had left him, staring out the window at the now-dark sky.
Why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut?
He must’ve confused the hell out of her when he busted in and interfered with Shiloh. She had no idea how much the girl’s life meant to him, and it was his own damn fault. He needed to stop being such a coward and just tell her who he was. He needed to stop thinking about whether or not it would prevent any kind of relationship between him and Lucy and focus instead on his own daughter. Putting himself first was what had got him into the situation in the first place. Being hardheaded and selfish had stopped him from checking on Jennifer, and ultimately stopped him from getting to be a part of the first twelve years of his daughter’s life. All he could do now was try to pick up the pieces and avoid missing out on anything more.
Chapter Seven
“What’s up with you, girl? The nerds are over there going on again about Earth 2.0 and you haven’t even batted an eye.” Tessa pointed a thumb in the direction of some researchers chatting over a cup of coffee across from the reception desk where she and Lucy had been going over the summer tour schedule.
Lucy laughed, Tessa’s comment interrupting her thoughts. She’d been so stressed out about what had happened between her and Sam, about the way she’d overreacted when he was just trying to help yesterday. Tessa was right, of course. Normally she would’ve loved to listen in on the conversation, to hear about the latest research, but today Sam was the only thing occupying her mind.
“I told you not to call them nerds anymore,” Lucy said, jabbing Tess in the side with her elbow. “You know I almost was one of them.” Lucy gave her glare.
“You are one of them. But you’re a lot cuter. Plus, you know how to function in the normal world.”
Lucy squinted at her best friend. “What are you talking about?”
“This morning I asked Dr. Gleason what happened to his shirt, and he told me that he accidentally washed it with windshield wiper fluid rather than his wife’s laundry detergent. I swear, sometimes I can’t figure out how those smarties get their own heads on straight every morning.”
The two of them burst into a fit of giggles. It was good to laugh with her friend.
“Speaking of men,” Tessa said, “how’s everything going with our hot new chef?”
Lucy felt heat flow instantly into her cheeks. She could tell Tessa noticed almost immediately after it happened, as her friend’s eyes widened.
“I see,” Tessa said, her voice full of suggestion.
“You see nothing. Nothing like that’s going on.”
“Tell that to the grin on your face.”
Lucy had so much to say about the past few days with Sam, but for some reason, rather than sharing with her best friend, she’d kept it under wraps. Normally her bad dates in the past had been fodder for almost every conversation with Tessa, but Sam was different. She wanted to keep him to herself for now, out of the line of scrutiny. Besides, she’d been doing enough of that for the both of them, reading too much into everything that Sam said or did. That had led to her reaction the day before, and she needed to ease up on him, or he would end up running like the others.
She hadn’t given much thought to Jeremy in a long time, but suddenly there he was on her mind. It was only a year ago that she had pressed him for answers on where their relationship had been going. They had dated for two years at that point, and he seemed to be a decent guy, but he never got close to Shiloh. The two of them had never bonded the way that she and Sam had just in the past few days. When Lucy had brought up the possibility of Jeremy moving in with her, he had completely freaked out, saying that he wasn’t ready for something that deep.
But how could he not have been when they had spent two years of their lives together? When she had eventually pressed him to say more, he admitted that he was uncomfortable being a father figure to her niece. Lucy had never communicated that to Shiloh, of course, but it had been a huge blow. She hadn’t dated anybody since, afraid of getting her heart broken again.
She didn’t even know why she was comparing the two, because she certainly wasn’t dating Sam.
The problem was she really wanted to.
But inside she knew that if she was going to let someone into both of their lives, to have the serious relationship that she wanted, to have the family that she wanted, she was going to have to learn to let someone coparent with her. Was she really ready for such a huge step?
“He is pretty amazing,” she said.
Tessa beamed.
“But don’t start thinking too far into this. You know how I feel about dating these days.”
“I know, sweetie, but Sam really does seem different than the others. And he’s a far cry from Jeremy the jerk-off.”
“Yes, he is. And he’s fantastic with Shiloh, which is the most important thing.”
“Lucy, a guy being great with Shiloh is wonderful, but you need to give yourself some credit, as well. You need to find somebody who’s fantastic with you, not just your kid.”
Lucy nodded at Tess’s words, soaking them up.
“So have you found out if he’s going to be staying any longer?” Tessa asked.
“No, I actually need to talk to him about that. Somebody came by this morning, someone from one of the restaurants in Austin, and he was interested in applying for the chef position. He said he wanted to move his family to a small town and he was looking for work in the area.”
“Well,” Tessa said, “you h
ad better hurry, because if you don’t snatch Sam up soon, I can guarantee you that someone else will.”
That’s exactly what Lucy was afraid of.
“Speaking of,” Tessa said, nudging Lucy with her shoulder. Lucy looked over and saw Sam coming toward them, looking as handsome as ever in a simple plaid shirt and dark jeans, having forgotten to take off his apron. Just the sight of him gave her heart a little tug. Lucy thought again about those few moments yesterday when he had almost kissed her, and how much she had wanted him to. She found herself hoping that he would try again soon.
“Hey there,” Sam said, joining them, setting his elbows on the top of Tessa’s reception desk. He nodded at Lucy. “How’s it going, Tessa?”
“Oh, it’s going. Not too bad for a Tuesday afternoon.”
“Good,” Sam said, giving her that dazzling smile. “Do you mind if I borrow Lucy here for just a few minutes?” He looked over at her. “I’ve got something I need to talk to you about.”
“No, of course not. I’ll see you later, Lu,” Tessa said.
“We can talk in my office,” Lucy said, and Sam followed her away from the reception desk. They walked together down the hallway, not saying anything. Lucy felt the words balling up inside her chest, and she wanted to apologize, but they got stuck there, refusing to come out. She had said so much yesterday, and it had got her into trouble, so the thought of saying too much again prevented her from being able to speak.
When they got to her door, she opened it and let him walk inside first, closing it after them. She motioned to one of the chairs in front of her desk and Sam sat down. Instead of sitting behind her desk, Lucy opted for the chair next to his.
“Lucy, I just want to apologize for what happened yesterday. It wasn’t my place to step in so much when Shiloh was talking about the dance. I’m really sorry that I said something to upset you. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you, please let me know.” Sam sat there looking so distraught that Lucy almost laughed.