Every Breath

by Tasha Ivey

  “Wow, Makenna. I wish I had the right words to say right now, but I just can’t find anything that works.” His face is blanched, his eyes boring into me. He does know loss, doesn’t he? He does understand me.

  “Shane.” This is the part that hurts so much. The part that I don’t like to think about. “He didn’t make it out of that car alive. He was . . . impaled. We slid right into a thick mass of trees and brush. I still think that someone could’ve done something to save him, but they didn’t.”

  Sawyer looks even more awestruck and unsure of what to say next, and to be honest, I don’t know either. I’ve been holding this in for two long years, and I’m suddenly questioning why. It hurts to think about it, but it wasn’t nearly as hard to talk about as I thought it would be, actually.

  He scrubs his face with his hands before leaning into the screen. “You have no idea how much I want to be there right now to hug you. Thank you for trusting me enough to share it with me. Do you feel better at all, now that you’ve told someone?”

  Is that why it was easy? Because I trust him? “I wish you were here, too. And thank you for listening. I actually feel okay. I expected to really lose it, but telling you was effortless. Maybe I’ve been making a bigger deal out of it than I should have.”

  His lips press together in a thin line. “Makenna. You took a huge step tonight by telling me. Don’t discredit that or what you’ve been feeling for the last couple of years. It came easier than you thought because you were ready. And I’m beyond honored to be the one to hear it. But I need you to do me a favor.”

  I scrunch my eyes at him. “What kind of favor?”

  “Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re not ready to tell anyone else right now. The right time will come, so until then, just do whatever you’re comfortable with.”

  I shake my head. I hadn’t thought about that. When I consider the prospect of talking to Callie, Drew, or my parents about it, I still don’t want to. “You’re the only person I’ve told most of that to, and I think it will be a little while before I can add another person into that.”

  The softest of smiles play at his lips, his tender gaze calms and restores me. He truly is a beautiful man in so many ways. When I first saw him, even though I thought he was attractive that day, he still appeared hardened and rugged. Every time since then, though, he’s become more and more human, more open, allowing me to see how compassionate and gentle he is.

  “Just take your time with everyone else. That time will come.”

  I take a deep breath and push it out. I survived it without my heart breaking in half, and I know it’s because of Sawyer. “I will. I can’t thank you enough for that.”

  “We’re friends, right? So you don’t have to thank me. I’m just doing my job.” He is looking more exhausted, rumpled . . . and sexy.

  Friends. Yeah, we’re friends. And I have an almost boyfriend.

  “I hope we stay friends for a long time, too. Even after you come home. Maybe you can find the time to come see me on occasion.” That’s acceptable, isn’t it?

  “I can’t wait,” he admits, suddenly becoming more animated at the prospect of being home again. “It shouldn’t be long now; I’m just waiting to hear the final word on when they’re pulling us out. It could be days, or it could be weeks. Everything is kinda up in the air right now.”

  Aww. I can tell he’s on pins and needles, waiting for that moment when he knows he’s coming home. “I can’t wait either. It will be strange to see you as more than a face on my computer screen.”

  He laughs aloud for the first time tonight and cringes animatedly. “I promise you, I’m much more interesting on this screen, but you . . . I know you’ll bewitch me even more than you already have.” His face falls as soon as the words leave his mouth, surprised, I think, at his revelation.

  “Bewitched?” Even though I don’t think he meant to admit that, I have an uncontrollable urge to press him on it. “Really?”

  He groans, letting his face fall into his hands. I can barely see his shoulders shaking, and I’m unsure of what’s going on, but once I realize he’s chuckling, I join him. And before I know it, we’re both laughing so hard, we can hardly contain it. He ends up falling from his chair, so I can only see the top of his head, which causes me to snort. My snorting, of course, causes another round of hysterics, and I’m cackling so hard that my sides hurt and I just know I’m about to wet myself.

  Sawyer scrambles back into his chair, still barely able to restrain himself. “Wh-what are we laughing about?”

  “You!” I gasp, trying to find my lungs again. “You started it!”

  He slows to a snicker. “I was laughing at myself.” He pauses to catch his breath a moment. “I didn’t tell you to laugh at me, too!”

  “Oh my gosh.” I wrap my arms around my sore ribs, my breathing still labored. “Why are you laughing at yourself? I’m confused?”

  He pauses and grins at me. Not just any grin, either. His lips slowly spread, showing his nearly-perfect teeth and causing the reappearance of that dimple. His smile illuminates the whole room, and it’s contagious. “I didn’t realize what I was admitting until it was too late. I’m so tired and delirious, it just kind of came out, so all I could do was laugh at myself.”

  “I’m not sure I’m following you. I get that you’re bewitched by me and all; although, I have no idea why. What is it you’re admitting?”

  Whoa, I guess when I’m tired, I have a big and very inquisitive mouth.

  Boom! Boom! Boom!

  A sudden, urgent pounding explodes from the front door, and I jump from my seat and away from the window, leaving my laptop on the bench. Who the hell is that?

  “Makenna!” Sawyer calls out, unable to see me. “What was that? Are you okay?”

  I reach over and pick up the computer, putting me back in his line of sight. “Someone is at my door,” I whisper as softly as I can.

  “Don’t answer that door, Makenna. Do you have a gun?” He’s alert now, back to the hard-edged Sawyer I know.

  I scowl at him. “No.”

  “Makenna! Open the door.” A familiar voice calls out. It’s Drew.

  “I have to go, Sawyer. I’ll try to talk tomorrow, okay?”

  His shoulders slump slightly and he nods. “Okay. I’ll stay near my computer for a minute, in case you need me.”

  “Goodnight.” I slap the lid shut. I can’t even fathom why Drew is here at two in the morning, but I do have a bad feeling about it.

  “Drew?” I crack the door open to confirm it’s actually him before I allow the door to swing open the rest of the way. “What are you doing here?”

  His body is rippling with tension, his hands wringing in front of him. “Who were you talking to? Who was that guy?”

  Shit. I guess he could see me in the window. “Oh, him? That’s just a friend. He’s the soldier my class adopted, you know, the one we sent the cards to.”

  “Why are you talking to him this late? Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

  I’m having trouble reading him right now. I can’t tell if he’s just curious, or irritated, or straight-up pissed. “I couldn’t sleep, so we started talking. We do that sometimes. But now that I’ve answered your questions, do you care to answer mine?”

  “I couldn’t sleep either, so I went for a drive and saw your lights on.” He’s a statue. An enormous, ominous statue. There’s no emotion on his face, the usual gentleness long gone.

  But something doesn’t sound right. “You went for a drive? By my house? Which is way out of the way of . . . well . . . anything?”

  “Yeah.”

  Okay, Mr. Shady. “Why isn’t your truck in the drive then? This makes absolutely no sense to me. You have to know how suspicious that sounds.”

  He finally snaps out of his attack mode, and his whole body falls into a more casual stance. “I guess I should’ve explained that. I’m parked out on the highway. There have been a few houses broken into lately, so when I drove past and saw the lights
on, I pulled off on the shoulder and walked up. I was worried about you. I thought someone was in here, and I was going to try to sneak up on them. Until I saw you in the window.”

  “Oh.” He was worried about me? I can imagine him stalking up the driveway, my brawny hero daring any intruder to make his presence known. “I’m sorry I scared you, Drew. But you should’ve just called to check on me.”

  He reaches out and crushes me to him. “No, I’m sorry. I just panicked and didn’t think of it. Can I come in a sec?”

  “Sure.”

  Drew’s eyes immediately dart to my laptop on the bench by the door. “What’s his name?”

  “Sawyer.” I have to stamp down the grin that threatens to reveal itself to Drew when I say his name. Thoughts of him lost in laughter earlier make me happy.

  “I have to ask this, Makenna, and I hope I don’t upset you, but is he the reason why you don’t talk to me? Would you rather talk to him than me?”

  “No.” Yes.

  “Are you sure? I know you have some things going on that are holding us back, and if it’s him, then just tell me. I’m not going to compete with another man. If he’s what you want, then I want you to have that.” His eyes are filled with uncertainty.

  “Oh, gosh no, Drew! I told you we’re friends, and I meant that.” I do mean that, right? I like Sawyer. A lot. But I’m almost certain that it’s because we have a kinship that I don’t have with anyone else. He understands me. We couldn’t ever have more of a relationship, and even though he thinks I’m attractive, he’s never hinted at wanting more either.

  His frown is breaking my heart. “You’re my girl, Makenna. I want to know that without a shadow of a doubt.”

  Fine. If he wants proof, then I’ll give it to him. If I’m going through with pushing myself further into our relationship, I might as well tell him now to ease his mind. “Well, I was going to wait to tell you after dinner with your parents, but I’ve made my decision about moving with you.”

  He freezes, suspended in time and waiting on my announcement.

  “I’d like to finish this year’s teaching contract out, but if you still want me to move with you in a little over five months, I’ll do it. I’d like to see where our relationship goes.”

  “You’re sure about that?” His lips stretch up on one side, a lopsided smirk threatening to go full-blown any second.

  “I am.” Totally not.

  He snakes his arms around my middle, lifting me up and spinning in a circle before allowing my feet to find the floor again. “Thank you.”

  But he doesn’t let go. He stares down at me with elation and . . . hunger. His smile slowly morphs into something more languid, sensual. I don’t realize we’re moving until my back touches the wall behind me, his hands grazing down my back and around the top of my waist. They trail up my stomach, up each side of my neck, until he fists his hands into my hair at my scalp. His body is pressed dangerously close, and I can feel his hardness pressed against my belly.

  I stand perfectly still, waiting. Waiting for that moment that I know he’ll stop. He always stops before it turns into more than I can bear, so if I just wait, he’ll stop. I know my constant fear of closeness has to be attributed to the fact that I’m still not over Shane. I have to get used to it at some point.

  His hot breath tickles my hair, then my ear, and I can’t decide if I want to freak out or not when his smooth tongue grazes my earlobe, sending simultaneous signals of deliciousness and terror coursing through me.

  It’s when I feel his scorching mouth on my neck that the alarm starts to override it all. He places one hot, wet kiss after another down the side of my neck, his teeth grazing my skin before he gently sucks.

  He jerks back abruptly. “Damn, Makenna, I’m sorry. I just got lost in you for a minute. You have an insane ability to do that to me.”

  “It’s okay. I know you always stop before it makes me too uncomfortable. I trust you.”

  But as soon as he says goodnight, I slump down onto the seat. My body finally gives in to the quaking I’ve been trying desperately to hold back in front of him, and I can feel my heartbeat all over. Pounding. Pulsing.

  This isn’t going to be easy. At. All.

  The rough fingers sliding up my bare back send shivers up my spine. I open my eyes, but my room is still completely cloaked in darkness. I’ve only gotten a few hours of sleep, but this is a nice way to wake up. I untangle my legs from the sheet and turn over to him, pressing my bare chest to his and throwing my leg over his firm hip. The downy sprinkling of hair on his solid stomach tickles mine before I close the chasm between us. The desire to get closer to him is unbearable, and I may not be fully awake, but I don’t have it in me to fight it anymore.

  His strong hand grasps my knee and glides up to the top of my thigh, stopping to grip my hipbone and pulling me closer home. Impossibly close. The luscious heat and desire pool into the lowest part of my belly, and I suddenly don’t care at all about my boundaries. With one arm circled around his shoulders, I bury my face into the warmth of his neck, breathing in a hint of cologne and soap, while my other arm finds its way around his side to his back.

  I feel him tense beside me when I exhale and my breath escapes to caress his neck. But he’s not entirely amused when I giggle. He nudges me back until my own neck is exposed, and he shows me exactly why it’s not funny. Ever so lightly, he drags his satiny lips from my collarbone to my jawline, leaving blistering heat behind in its path and only his soft breath to slightly cool the euphoric heat. I feel him smile against my neck when I gasp.

  Oh. Definitely not funny.

  He continues weaving his merciless spell by sweeping his tongue over the same path and gently drawing my skin into his mouth, tenderly sucking and nipping along the way. I feel myself slipping into a carnal kind of darkness with only one way out. A sweet oblivion that I’m determined to find.

  His breath hitches in his chest when my fingernails graze his back, tracing his spine, and he becomes a little more frantic. His kisses somehow feel hotter on my already boiling skin, and his hand on my hip clutches me tighter, his fingers stretching and kneading into my delicate flesh.

  Impatience takes over, and I untangle my arms from him, sinking my fingers into his disheveled hair and pushing him away from me. I want to feel his lips on mine, and I can’t wait another second. It’s already been a lifetime without them.

  Just before I guide his mouth to mine, I open my eyes to steal a fleeting glance, praying for only a glimmer of light to see his face as it approaches mine.

  And there is . . . reflecting in those amber honey eyes.

  When my eyes jolt open, I scramble out of the blankets and shoot out of the bed so quickly that I don’t realize my feet are still tangled in my sheets. Before I can stop myself, I smack the cool wood floor . . . with my face.

  Ouch.

  I kick my feet to free them and crawl along the side of the bed, stretching my neck up only slightly to peer over the edge of the mattress. There isn’t much light, but there is no visible body in my bed.

  Thank. God. It was only a dream. An exceptionally vivid dream.

  I slump down to the floor, leaning my back against the side of my bed. What the hell was that about? For starters, I never have those kinds of dreams; although, now that I’ve experienced it, I’m certainly not opposed. I have to remember what I ate last night to make that happen. And I’ve come to expect the dreams about Shane, and that’s what I thought that was for a while, but those eyes . . .

  I’ve only seen that golden brown color once before, and Sawyer is definitely the person I saw in that dream. I just wish I had some idea of what all of that meant. Who knows? Maybe when Drew kissed my neck last night—er, this morning—he awoke this sleeping carnal beast inside me. And I did have an intimate moment with Sawyer, too. Telling him all about Shane has made me feel connected to him in a way that I haven’t felt in such a long time.

  Deep in the recesses of my subconscious, the two incidents must hav
e woven themselves together into one. Interestingly enough, though, I’m glad my subconscious chose to star Sawyer in that dream, instead of Drew.

  Huh. Go figure.

  Even though it’s a little earlier than normal, I decide to go ahead and get ready for work, taking my time to find something acceptable to wear to meet Drew’s parents tonight. He’s picking me up after school, so I won’t be able to come home to change. Here’s hoping that I manage to stay remotely clean today.

  I opt for a nicely-fitted sheath dress, the deep plum color shouldn’t show any dirt I happen to pick up from any of the forty-six grimy hands I come into contact with today. And my black pumps won’t be very comfortable, but it won’t be the first time I’ve kicked them off and walked around my classroom barefoot.

  Curling my long brunette hair is more of a chore than I usually care to take on, but today is important. I know that me meeting his parents means so much to Drew, so I want to make a good impression. Even if it takes a whole hour to curl my hair and put on a little extra makeup. Callie will probably freak when she sees me because she’s always begging me to dress up more.

  Oh, yeah. No, she probably won’t since she’s not talking to me. God, I already miss her annoying the hell out of me.

  Darcy keeps pacing back and forth down the hallway, glaring into the bathroom as she passes. She’s more accustomed to my ten minute routine, which is immediately followed by breakfast, so my extra primping is seriously disrupting her eating schedule. And as always, she has no problem making me aware of it.

  I finally get her, and myself, some breakfast, and I even have enough time to drink an extra cup of coffee. Maybe I should start out every morning like this. An insanely sexy dream waking me up a little early, but in a good mood. Extra time to make myself feel pretty. And time for more than one cup of coffee. It’s going to be a perfect day. I can feel it.