by Tasha Ivey
After I give him directions, we drive away from the hospital in complete silence. And I’m a complete nervous wreck. I’m bouncing my leg so hard that I can feel the car shaking, and I’m wringing my hands almost to the point of pain. I’m lost in my own little vortex of anxiety, and I didn’t realize just how bad it is until I look out the window to see that we’re stopped on the side of the road.
“What are we doing?” I look over at Sawyer, who is fishing in the console for something.
He pulls out some earbuds and digs his phone from his pocket to plug them in. “You’ll see.” He scrolls through a list of songs and clicks on one, setting it to repeat, and hands it to me. “This is Gustav Mahler’s Adagietto from his Fifth Symphony. Turn it up as loud as you can stand it and concentrate on every note, even the ones in the background. Close your eyes and drown every other thought out. Just feel the music, nothing else.”
I just stare at him.
“Trust me. It will help.”
Reluctantly, I shove the buds in my ears and follow his instructions, even reclining my seat slightly to help myself relax even more. The music begins soft and light, building into something more and backing off again, ebbing and flowing. I keep my eyes closed, even when he takes my hand, and I concentrate only on the drama of the music and the way his thumb draws soft circles over my knuckles. Once I allow myself to think about it, the anxiety is gone. The fear is gone. All that’s left now is courage and determination. I wish I knew how he did that.
I feel the car slow as we turn into the narrow gravel drive, and I open my eyes in time to see the underside of the old rock arch as we go through it. Sitting up in my seat, I scan the gentle hills for that one tree that’s tattooed into my memory, the tree that I sat under for hours that day, even after they’d lowered him into the ground.
Just as Sawyer slows at a fork in the road, I spot the tree and direct him to go right. He carefully winds around the slight curves, waiting for my cue, until I tap his arm and point just ahead of us. “That’s it. Under that tree.”
He stops well before we reach it and turns to me. “You still sure you want to do this?”
“I think I am.”
“I’ll stay in the car to give you some privacy, and we can stay as long as you want. I won’t think any less of you if you walk halfway over there and change your mind. Just know that I’m here if you need me.”
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. “I’m not so sure I could go through with it if you weren’t here with me. Thank you for understanding.”
“I understand all too well, I promise. Take your time.”
My shaky legs apparently didn’t get the memo that I’m being courageous now—neither did my trembling hands—but I put one foot in front of the other anyway, determined to take this step toward healing myself. Not necessarily letting go . . . more like loosening the grip.
I step around the front of the glossy headstone, and I immediately drop to the ground as soon as I see his name. I haven’t seen his name on the headstone before, and it’s a huge dose of reality. He’s truly gone. He’s lying underneath me, deep in the cold ground. The man who used to wrap his warm body around mine when I was cold. The man whose infectious smile could make any day better. The man who swore he’d love me forever.
“How can you be gone, Shane? I still don’t understand it.”
I don’t know what I was expecting, but I know I wasn’t really expecting silence in return. All I hear is the rustling of the leaves being tickled by the brisk wind and my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. But maybe, somehow, somewhere, he can hear me. So I continue to talk.
“I still dream about you all the time, so it hasn’t felt like you’re really gone, but being here . . . I feel it now.” I tell him about the last couple of years and how I’ve tried to suppress the hurt, the grief, how I’ve shoved it down for so long that the internal anguish became a part of who I am. I became a shell of my former self, nothing like the person he fell in love with. I became unlovable, simply because I lost the ability to love back. Even through broken sobs and drowning tears, I confess to him about the person I’ve allowed myself to become, even the fact that I forced myself into a relationship with Drew in hopes of making people think I’ve moved on. Since the day he left this earth, my entire life has been a sham.
I glance over my shoulder to see Sawyer still sitting in the car, watching me intently. I hesitate for a moment, unsure of what I want to tell Shane about Sawyer, if anything. I run my hand over the crisp, brown grass and think of how I want to explain it. I’m not sure I can explain it because I don’t even really know what’s going on between us. “I have a new friend named Sawyer. That’s who’s with me today. I haven’t known him for very long, but there are certain things about him that remind me of how it was with you. I don’t have to fake anything with him, nor do I want to. He’s just . . . easy. Easy to like. Easy to be around.”
“Damn, it’s weird to talk about this with you, but I always knew that I could tell you anything, and I really feel the need to explain this. See, ever since I lost you, I haven’t been able to stand even the thought of kissing another man, much less anything more. Drew coming anywhere near me scared me to death, but I forced myself to endure him kissing me. I thought I would eventually grow to enjoy it, but the truth is that it repulsed me. But with Sawyer, it scares the hell out of me that I want to kiss him. I want to be around him every second. He’s only been here for two days, and I can’t stand the idea of him not being here in a couple of weeks. The fact that I’ve had to force myself into a relationship with Drew and now I’m falling so easily into everything with Sawyer is frightening.”
I pause and look back at him again, and he’s still watching, waiting for the moment that I fall apart and need him to pull me back together. Waiting to save me from myself. “I know it was harder with Drew because he wasn’t the right person for me, and once I got to know him, I knew I could never fall in love with him. But I liked Sawyer from the first time we talked. I don’t know what makes me so open to having more with him.”
I pause and think about what I just said. Huh . . . I guess I just answered that. Maybe I don’t have any real hesitation with Sawyer because I think he could be the right person for me. Over the last couple of months of late night video chats, I’d say I’ve gotten to know him really well. There’s never any guessing with him. He’s pure and genuine.
“I can’t believe I came down here for the first time, and I end up talking about other men to you. But that’s the kind of guy you were. You were always the best listener, no matter what I wanted to talk about. And if you were here right now, I know you’d be laughing about me over-analyzing all of this just like I always have. You used to ask me ‘what does your gut tell you to do?’ I guess I need to ask myself that question. I came down here to find a little piece of closure, to find some answers, and to maybe get a little piece of myself back. And I think I got what I came for. Thank you for loving me, Shane. Thank you for showing me what real love feels like. Without having you in my life for even a short time, I wouldn’t know how to find it. I’ll always love you, no matter what happens.”
I kiss my fingertips and touch them to the top of the cold stone. Despite my numb legs, I manage to get myself to my feet and dust the grass from my clothes. After one last glimpse, I turn and make my way toward the car. Sawyer gets out and meets me halfway, wrapping his arms around me and tightly hugging my body to his. I melt into him and tuck my face right into the crook of his neck. The reality of what I just did floods into me, and I begin to cry all over again. I finally did it. And it wasn’t that bad. I needed it.
Sawyer presses his searing hot lips to my windburned, chilled cheek. “For whatever it’s worth, I’m proud of you. I’ve seen soldiers that couldn’t come close to the bravery you just showed. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are.”
I swipe at my cheeks. “I’m a blubbering idiot. There’s nothing strong about that.”
“No,” he argue
s, tilting my chin up so that I’m facing him. “That’s where you’re wrong. Hiding what you feel is for cowards. Believe me, I know, because I’m the biggest coward of all.”
I scrunch my eyebrows at him, hoping he’ll take the hint to elaborate, but he ignores it. Instead, he silently leads me to the car, and we leave. He’s abnormally quiet, but I’m using the time to reflect on the day. It’s been a roller coaster, but somehow, I’m at peace with it. I feel emotionally drained, but I’m lighter, too.
I’ve discovered two things today. The first is that I still miss Shane like crazy. But the other, and most important thing, is that I actually think I’m going to be okay.
“Makenna, don’t panic, but I need you to get up and meet me at Dr. Luciano’s office.”
I sit up in the bed and hold the phone away from my ear for a second to get a glimpse of the time. This is the third morning I’ve woken up in Sawyer’s house, and I smile every time I remember where I am. But not a single morning have I woken up with him still in bed. He’s been working on my house every day and refusing to let me see it. “I’m sure her office doesn’t open until eight, so I have another hour I can sleep. Wait. Why do I need to go there? You don’t have any animals, so why do you need a vet?”
“I don’t, but you do. I found Darcy.”
“Where?” I jump out of bed and pull some jeans almost all the way on before I realize I’m putting them on over my pajama pants. “Is she okay?”
“Dr. Luciano is on her way here to meet me, so just go ahead and come on over, okay? I’ll explain everything when you get here.”
“Sawyer, just tell me . . . is she going to be okay?”
He sighs audibly. “I honestly don’t know.”
By the time I pull into the lot, I’m a nervous wreck. I have no idea what to expect. Has she been hit by a car? Was she attacked by another animal? What if she doesn’t survive? I keep spouting off questions in my mind, trying to prepare myself for the worst possible scenario. Judging by Sawyer’s refusal to explain any details, I have a feeling that the “worst” is what I’ll be dealing with.
“Oh, hi, Makenna,” the receptionist says sweetly, a frown mars her usually bright smile. “You can go on back to room four.”
I force myself to smile at her and push through the wide swinging door that leads to the back. Henry, the office raccoon, is sitting in a chair, eating a sandwich, so it looks like someone won’t be having their lunch today. The last time I came in, he snuck in my purse and got the rest of my half-eaten candy bar. He’s quite the little thief, but he’s so cute, no one really cares all that much.
Room four’s door is slightly cracked open, and I knock softly before I enter. Darcy is stretched out on the metal table, while Dr. Luciano is holding a stethoscope to her chest. Sawyer is leaned over Darcy’s face, whispering to her as he scratches under her chin. She looks fairly normal. There’s no blood, no obvious wounds, but she’s a little thinner than usual.
Sawyer finally notices me and stands, waving me over. “Come over here. I’m sure she’ll feel better when she sees you.”
I round the table, and Darcy slightly lifts her head when I get in her line of sight. I bend over her, rubbing behind her ears and nuzzling my nose into the fur on the top of her head. She immediately begins purring.
“Well, that’s a good sign.” Dr. Luciano finishes palpating her abdomen and steps back. “I’m going to draw a little blood and do some x-rays to be sure, but I think she’s just extremely dehydrated. I’ll get my assistant in here to get the tests started and get the I.V. going.” She steps into the hall after patting me on the back.
“Where did you find her? I’ve been looking for her.”
Sawyer steps back and leans against the bright blue wall. “The attic. I was working on a hole in the wall in the upstairs hallway, and I could feel a cold draft coming in from somewhere. I looked up and realized the pull down for the attic ladder wasn’t closed all the way. I was pretty sure you wouldn’t have left it that way, so I knew the intruder must have been up there, and I went up to check it out. I wouldn’t have ever seen her if she didn’t raise her head right when I was about to climb down. I thought she was a stray that somehow got up there, until I saw her collar.”
I can’t believe she’s been up there all this time, and it never even occurred to me to check the attic. “She’s been stuck up there for over a week? Without food or water? I feel awful that I didn’t think to look.”
“Well, now, not entirely. I saw a few dead mice that she’d apparently eaten. I also think you might have a leak in your roof. I saw some water stains on some of the wood, and they still looked a little damp, but it hasn’t rained in a couple of days, so I’m sure it’s been at least that long since she’s had water.”
“Oh, thank God. I’ve already had that leak fixed once, but I guess it didn’t totally stop the water from coming in.” I take a few hesitant steps toward Sawyer, not sure how he’ll react, but I end up throwing my arms around the top of his shoulders anyway. Ever since he took me to the cemetery, he’s kept his distance, and I can only guess it’s because he’s giving me time to deal with all of it. “Thank you. If you hadn’t gone up there . . .”
He keeps his hands at his sides until I begin to think he’s upset with me, but finally, his strong arms wrap around my waist. He looks down at me and swallows hard, his gaze falls directly to my mouth. “You’re welcome,” he barely whispers.
It’s moments like this that usually scare me to death, but not this time. With him, all of a sudden, I want nothing more than to feel those full lips on my own. But the way that he’s clenching his jaw tells me that he’s not going to make a move; he’s fighting it, giving me the space he thinks I need. Right now, though, space is so overrated.
“Sawyer, would you be upset with me if I ki—”
“I hear we have a sick kitty in here!” A far-too-cheerful voice booms from the hallway, and I jump back from Sawyer. Dr. Luciano’s assistant, Kate, pops into the room, snapping her gum like always. “I’m going to take Miss Darcy to get a few tests run, and I’ll have her back in here in about fifteen minutes with her I.V., okay?”
“Oh, uh, su-sure,” I stammer. Kate scoops Darcy off the table, and I know she’s not feeling well when she doesn’t protest at all. Darcy adores Dr. Luciano, but Kate, on the other hand, is not her favorite person. At. All.
I slump into a chair across the room and watch Sawyer from the corner of my eye. Neither of us says a word. He’s perfectly statue-still with his arms folded across his chest, but I can see his toes tapping nervously under the top of his shoe. I can’t tell for sure, but I think he’s watching me. I feel like there are two laser beams boring into my skull.
Finally, I can’t take it any longer, so I cut my eyes as far to the left as I can without moving my head. Yep, I was right; he’s watching me. As soon as our eyes meet, my pulse fires rapidly out of control, and a wave of adrenaline rushes through my bloodstream, making every inch of my skin tingle in response. If I don’t get out of here I’m seriously going to implode.
“I, uh, need some air. I’m going to walk around outside for a minute.” I don’t even slow down long enough to hear his response. Tearing out the front door, I nearly trip over a Chihuahua and am barely able to save myself from hitting the concrete. I mutter an apology and dart around the corner to the alley where I pace the entire length of the building, attempting to rid my body of the buzzing energy that has taken over. Once I’m resigned to the fact that it’s not helping, I stop and lean my back against the cool brick, willing myself to breathe deeply. And that goes all to hell when I hear a set of heavy footsteps coming toward me.
Turning toward the sound, I see Sawyer rounding the corner of the building. He stops in his tracks when he sees me, and I swear my heart stops. I didn’t realize it earlier, but damn, he looks good today. His distressed jeans are frayed around the hems that fall over his Converse, and I can see just enough of the tight sky blue t-shirt under his black hooded jacket to see
that it’s pulled taut across his defined chest.
Thunder rumbles in the distance as he shoves his hands into his pockets and kicks at some gravel. “You okay out here?”
“Mmmhmm . . .”
“Well, they just finished the tests, so they’re about to start her I.V. to get some fluids in her. We’ll know more in just a bit.” He begins taking slow steps, looking at the ground until he reaches me. “You don’t have to be afraid of me, Makenna. I wouldn’t ever want you to do anything that made you uncomfortable. I’m more than happy with just being your friend if that’s all you want.”
“I don’t think I want that.” As a single raindrop plummets to the tip of my nose, I peek up at him from under the hair blowing into my face.
He flinches, and his eyebrows furrow. I don’t know why he looks hurt until I think about my answer.
“Oh, no! I don’t mean I don’t want you as a friend. I’m saying that I . . . I don’t want you to be just a friend. It’s not you that I’m afraid of, Sawyer. It’s me. The fact that I actually want this scares the hell out of me.”
His brows relax, and his eyes soften. “I feel the same way. I’m scared out of my freakin’ mind.”
“What are you scared of?”
“I’ve told you how much you mean to me,” he begins, reaching out to brush the hair from my face. “I’m scared that, now that I’m here instead of halfway around the world, you’re going to get sick of me. Every single day, I like you a little bit more. Every day, I think about what my life could be like down the road with you in it. For the first time, I’m looking past today. I’m actually considering the fact that there’s a tomorrow for me. Maybe even a happy one. It’s having hope of a better life that scares me the most.”