by Nancy Hopper
It was a terrible blow to him, to have to have help to get to the portable toilet. It was worse when a week later, he couldn’t even get up to do it, with help.
The church hired a full time aide to come and stay with Tasha. She was getting awfully tired. She couldn’t sleep at night because of his restlessness, and need for constant care. And it was easier on Gary not to have Tasha cleaning up after him, all of the time. That was the hardest degradation of all for him.
She moved her bed to the other room, and set up a day bed near Gary for herself and the aide, Linda. Linda took the night shift, then went home and slept all day. Tasha took care of Gary through the day, cooked dinner, and then Linda was back for the evening and night shift.
Hospice made life bearable for Tasha. A Registered Nurse came to see her, and to check on Gary every other day. A social worker came with her to talk to Tasha, as well.
They talked about putting Gary in a nursing home, but Tasha couldn’t bear it. Even though daily he was less the man she knew, she couldn’t do it. She wanted him with her until the end.
It wasn’t long in coming. Soon, he wasn’t aware of what was going on around him, and Tasha was so heartsick every time she looked at him. Her vital, lovely, wonderful husband was nothing but a sack of skin and bones.
But he would talk in his sleep, praising God and holding to Jesus. He would cry out about the victory of the Lord, and say things that made Tasha weep. His heart was so faithful to his God.
She couldn’t completely share his feelings. She felt too bereft and tired. He drew pictures. Abstract, bizarre pieces of art that made no sense, but were strangely sweet to Tasha. She kept them all.
He began to see things and people in the room, that were not there. It broke her heart. Yet she told him, and believed herself, that he was seeing angels. It helped to ease her fear, and his pain.
One night, he stopped what he was doing, and looked beyond her shoulder. “Timothy.” he said clearly.
Tasha looked, trying to follow his gaze, and smiled. There was no one there. “Timothy?” she asked uncertainly.
“Yes. Of course, it's Timothy!” he said. He threw back his head, and laughed hoarsely.
“Darling, I don’t understand.” she protested gently. “Who is Timothy, and what is it about him?”
“Yes, you’d like him, I’m sure of it. Everybody does. It will have to be Timothy. Timothy is strong. He’s strong enough, he’ll be able to do it. He’s such a good man, Tasha! Got a heart of gold.”
"Ha! He won’t be looking for it. Hit him like a lightning bolt, for sure. Dead set against it, after that disaster he went through. But he’ll come around, fast, once he gets things figured out.”
Tasha laughed uncertainly. “All right. Darling, just who is Timothy?”
Gary sighed, and let his head fall back. “Timothy. Just an old friend. I wish that I could see him, now. You’ll like him, honey.”
“I’m certain that I would.” she agreed softly.
Gary fixed his eyes on her, very brightly. “He's the best friend I ever had.” he said vehemently.
“You’ve never mentioned him.” she said, lightly.
“I haven’t seen him much since college; but we were like brothers.” he explained tiredly. “I should have kept in touch. But he went overseas, and I got busy, and suddenly the years have gone by. I did see him in New York last year, for a short time. Had a wonderful visit. He’s such a firebrand, that guy. He's amazing! And I realized that I’d missed him so much, when I saw him again. If he knew about this, he’d be right here.”
“Shall I try to find him for you, darling?”
“No. No, I don’t really want him to see me this way. Just remember; it's Timothy. He’ll come around, someday. He’ll look you up someday, looking for me. I’m quite sure of it. Don’t let him be sad about me. Tell him to remember our great times together, and to go on, and do what he needs to do. And tell him I'll be cheering him on.”
“Okay, I’ll remember.” she promised softly.
“When he comes, you tell him I knew. Tell him it’s all right with me. Give him my … my blessing. To do what God wants him to do.” He gasped. “You’ll have to do it for me, Tasha. Promise me, you’ll tell him.”
Tasha shook her head in puzzlement, but she smiled. “All right. I’ll remember. I'll tell him.” she promised.
Satisfied, Gary went to sleep. Tasha shook her head, and smiled. He often rambled so, and rarely made any sense, anymore. It was the Morphine, she knew. Still, it was unsettling.
Sometimes, he was so intense and insistent that Tasha listen to him, and remember everything he said, that it broke her heart. She couldn’t understand half of what he meant, much less remember it.
She wrote down all that she could remember of his words, so that she could ponder them in later times. Who knew what part made some kind of sense, and what part was purely delirium?
Gary’s mother read over all that Tasha wrote of Gary’s ramblings when she came to visit, but she could not make much sense of it, either.
“Well,” Lydia sighed, tiredly. “I can make out a bit of it. Michael and Timothy were friends of his, in college. I think that Jeffrey and David were, as well. Steven and Blake, I do not know. Kelsey he has not seen since he was a child. Mason and Denise are friends he had, who went to be missionaries in South America. The tree house he talks about here was one that he had as a child, when we lived in California. The rest of it, honey, I can’t decipher. Perhaps if I sleep on it, more will come to me.”
Tasha smiled gratefully. “Thank you. I just want to understand … all that I can. It all seems so important to him! I just don’t know what is, and what isn’t real.”
Lydia smiled, and patted her shoulder. “I know. I really do understand. Just know that it’s much more important to him that you listen, than it is for you to understand it all. He’s living half in a dream world, and he can’t tell the difference anymore, darling. Don’t let it disturb you. You’re doing everything right for him, you know. I’m so proud of you.”
Leif came to visit his son, which made Gary and Tasha so glad. He was shocked to see the changes in Gary, and so sad. Tasha comforted him, and felt that watching their faith in this time of incredible hopelessness and adversity, really made an impact on Gary's father. Gary asked his father to promise him that he would read the Bible, and think about the possibility of giving his heart to God.
"Because I love you, Dad. I want to know you're safe in the arms of the Lord, and that I'll see you again, someday. I don't want any doubt about that!" Gary whispered plaintively. Leif couldn't help the tears running down his face.
Soon, it became clear that Gary had only a few days left, at most. He wasn’t eating anything at all, anymore. His liquid intake slowed to a standstill. He would stop breathing for thirty seconds or more, at a time.
He was a shell of the man he had once been. He looked as if his legs would not support his weight, even if he could get out of bed. He couldn’t form words that made any sense.
She sat beside him, all night. She held his hand. She dreaded the constant thought, the knowledge that soon, the touch of his hand would only be a memory. The idea that soon, she would not be able to just reach out and touch him whenever she wanted to, was so painful.
The idea that she could never again look into those deep, clear blue eyes and see her soul mate there, alive and knowing what she was feeling … was devastating! Already, she felt so very alone.
She tried not to, but she was slowly slipping into darkness as she watched Gary's life force ebb away.
As if aware of her thoughts, his eyes slowly opened. He looked up into her eyes, lucid and present; and knowing. He could see what was happening to her.
“Do you know, Tasha Charles Taylor”, he whispered hoarsely. “One fine day, far from now, you and I … we’ll meet again. A new day will dawn.” He finished weakly, but he waited, seeming expectant, for her reply.
Dutifully, she smiled and squeezed his hand. She
wasn’t sure what to say. She was tired, and felt numb. Her faith had evaporated along with her husband’s vitality and lucidity. She was nearly as much an empty shell, as he was.
Because he expected it of her, she replied. “I believe that. I’ll always look forward to it, my love.”
He nodded his satisfaction, and his eyes slid shut. His hand went limp and fell away.
The tissues inside his mouth dried out, and became coarse and painful for him. They swabbed his mouth with a wet sponge every few minutes. At first, he would weakly try to suck the water; but soon, he didn’t bother.
Tasha realized with a heavy heart that they were now waiting for him to die. They began to pray that he would die, for all their sakes. Naomi didn’t understand anything but the sadness and tension all around her, and became restless and fretful.
The pain became so bad that when they’d try to turn Gary, he would cry out in agony. Given the short time left, they stopped putting him through the turning and changes. He quickly developed sores on his back and hips. However, he didn't seem to notice.
Then one morning while Tasha sat beside him, he quit breathing. She held her breath as she always did, waiting for him to gasp again for air — but this time, he did not.
She sat there, staring in disbelief. Expectancy made her body rigid. She didn’t breathe, either. She took his hand, and held it tightly. Still, he did not breathe.
Then she could feel ... something. She felt him rise up in joy before her, above his empty shell. But, his eyes were turned heavenward. He didn’t know she was there beside him, didn’t realize she was even aware of what was happening to him.
He didn’t even care anymore that she was going to be alone; was alone already. His heart was leaping toward heaven. And she knew that he was gone from her. It was confirmed by a sudden emptiness where his presence had been, just a second before.
She put her head on his breast, and wept.
CHAPTER SEVEN
The next few months were like an endless nightmare. Insurance papers to complete, people to be contacted. The memorial service had to be got through, and details, details, details. Never ending details. All she wanted was to be left alone, and cry.
The friends who had once seemed so close, and such a strong support, were just people suddenly – all trying in vain to be something to her, that they could not. She knew they were just trying to help; and she tried to show appreciation, but nothing could be the same anymore.
They never went away. Tasha felt like she was the one inside a tomb. She felt frozen in the shell of misery that had become so pronounced when Gary had gone.
It felt as if her life was over, too. Except that she had to stay alive in the world, all alone. She was doing what she had to do by rote, not feeling or caring about anything. Nothing had meaning anymore, with Gary gone. It was even hard to be with the children.
The service was the hardest. Everyone with tears in their eyes, everyone looking at her. She went through it with grace, and composure, though she had no idea how she managed it. Tears continually fell from her eyes; but other than that, she gave no sign. No emotional expression except silent sadness and grief, and grim determination to carry on. Because that is what Gary had asked of her.
There were many people she’d never met before, who wanted to talk about Gary. It was so painful to hear. Tasha just withdrew deep inside herself and nodded serenely, as people came one after another to tell her how much they’d loved Gary.
Gary’s mother and father were both devastated. The Waldens were there, and it was a bit of a comfort to have Deb there.
The most horrible moment of all came when they lowered him into the ground and covered him with dirt. It filled her with a hopelessness and horror to hear those first shovels of dirt hit the coffin, that it was unequaled by anything that had gone before. It was so final and irrevocable! He was dead! Dead! Gone! And her life was over, too – because he was gone, forever. He had been her life, her only happiness. He had saved her from her hopeless, austere prison, and given her something to live for.
Tasha wished with all her heart that she could be there, buried with him, and never have to think, or feel such things again. But there was no such luck. Her grief broke through, then. She felt as if her soul was being ripped from her body, and she wept bitterly.
Her hopelessness felt as if it would engulf her, swallow her alive and whole. Tasha took tranquilizers to sleep, and Linda stayed on to help her take care of Naomi and Lucas until she could get back on her feet. Social Security kept her going, along with gifts from the churches.
One of Gary’s good friends, Jeffrey Jamison, came and took the manuscripts for the book Gary had nearly finished. He promised to work on getting it all put together, and published. Tasha didn’t care. She was far too miserable to care.
Her friends tried to be there for her, to help her. Marietta and Delanie kept her afloat, taking care of the children, cooking and cleaning. She was dimly aware, and grateful. She managed to tell them so, every now and then.
She had distanced herself emotionally, but slowly the fog began to lift. She dreaded it, having to feel things again. It hurt unbearably.
After several months had passed, a revelation came to Tasha that she didn’t belong anymore. She had no life, without Gary. She had no frame of reference, no reason. She had no duties, no obligations, no goals or expectations. She was merely existing; eating and breathing and sleeping. Smiling when expected, saying the correct things.
But, she did have her children. Gary's children. Slowly, she began to come back to life, as their need for her became more insistent. She felt the first spark of love and life when their dear little arms wound around her neck, and their sweet lips kissed her cheek. It was almost like having Gary kiss her cheek; for they were his own flesh and blood, too.
Her father called her several months after the funeral. Tasha was stunned.
“Tasha, it’s Brent. I’ve been told … I understand that you’ve been widowed.” he said gruffly. “I’m sorry about this, little girl. I’m sorry about everything. I wondered if … well. Perhaps it would be a good thing if you and your children came to stay with me, for a time.”
“Why?” she couldn’t help asking.
“Well, it’s time. Don’t you think? We need to mend fences, you and I. We're all we have now, you know. I'm done with the girlfriends, honey. And, you need some taking care of now, if I don’t miss my guess.”
“I’ll be all right.”
“Let me do this. I’m ... very sorry for what happened before. I guess the truth was more than I could take. Come for a time, and let me get to see my granddaughter. I’d like to get to know her. And the baby, too.”
“No.” she shuddered. The risk was too great. The pain, too sharp.
“Listen to me, Tasha. I know you. Believe it or not, better than anybody. You’ve had too much change to go on living the same pattern, doing the same things, with the same people, in the same place. Nothing fits anymore when you’re trying to go on in the same old routines. It won’t work.”
”You need a change in your life. Yet it has to be familiar, or it would be too hard an adjustment, right now. If you come back home, everything will be … familiar. Yet, kind of new.
"It’s been several years since you’ve lived with me. I won’t expect anything from you. You can just come here, and heal. You need time, to do that. And I’ll be here, if you need anything.”
Suddenly, what he was saying made perfect sense. It was exactly right. Going home to him would be what she needed. She could hear in his voice that it would be all right. She heard that sane, very practical undertone, that told her he was on track.
She would be able to really sleep, and be alone with her children, and sometimes, with her father. He’d take care of them, as perfectly as he’d always done. The servants would see to their every need, take care of the children if she didn’t, or couldn’t.
And yet, there would be no need to smile. No need to express her gratitude. No
need to pretend she cared, no need to be the pastor’s calm, faith-filled wife. It was just what she needed.
So, turning a deaf ear to the pleading of her friends, Tasha moved out of her cabin, and sold it. She went directly to Idaho to reunite with her father, yet feeling great trepidation.
He was waiting for her when she pulled into the driveway in her Bronco. She’d put the ‘Vette in storage. It wouldn’t carry all three of them, much less all of their things.
It took great fortitude for her to drive up to the Idaho lodge, but it was too late to back out. Her course was set, and even if it seemed intimidating, she knew it would turn out to be the right thing.
They stood silently looking at one another, when she got out of the car. Her father had aged. He was gray at the temples, and had lines around his eyes and mouth. His eyes looked pensive. He didn’t make a move, just stood there looking at her, patiently.
“Hello, Tasha. You’ve grown up.” he said quietly.
She managed a smile. “I haven’t had much choice.”
“So I hear. Bring in what you need, and the rest will wait.” He said, turning to lead her into the house.
She sighed in relief. She wouldn’t have known how to deal with any other behavior from him, just now. Thank God, he was being just as he would have long ago, before any of this madness had occurred. That felt somehow comforting. She got the children out of the car, and followed him inside.
Her room was just the same. Untouched, it seemed, by time. The same old ruffled bed skirt. The same wallpaper, same clothes in the closet. As if the strange girl had never been there, helping herself to Tasha’s things.
Her father had re-done the room next to hers as a nursery for the children. It had been her old childhood playroom, so the transformation wasn't extensive.
She washed Naomi’s hands and face, and sat down to nurse Lucas. Her old rocker somehow felt like home. She smiled, and let her head fall back tiredly.