The only sensation I felt now was the churning of my stomach. I slowly climbed out from under the comforter and looked for my clothes. When I looked down, I saw blood all over my legs and I got lightheaded. I didn’t care about wiping it off. I needed to get out of there. I put my clothes on and slipped into my shoes. I was such an idiot. How could I let something like this happen? I should have known he had ulterior motives. Noah warned me. I had a weird feeling the entire climb up the stairs and while we were in here, but I thought I was just being silly because his mom was home.
My god, his mom is still downstairs.
I never imagined anyone being capable of doing something this cruel. All the time we spent together was nothing more than him setting me up for the big payoff of winning a sick bet.
Thinking how much I needed Noah right now to put his arms around me and protect me, caused my sobs to escape.
I turned to leave and my stomach flipped. I grabbed the trashcan and held it for a minute. Maybe I could hold it together long enough to get home. My stomach started to settle down a bit. As I went to put the trashcan back I glanced down, spotted the used condom, and emptied my stomach all over it.
I crept downstairs as quietly as possible. The guys were in the kitchen talking and laughing. My body felt like it was starting to cave in on itself, ready to collapse at any minute. I grabbed my things and almost made it out the door when Brad’s words stopped me. I didn’t turn around.
“I don’t kiss and tell, so you don’t need to worry. Stewart won’t find out.”
I hugged my backpack tighter to my chest, flew out the door, and into my car.
I don’t know how long I aimlessly drove around town in a daze. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to be around anyone. My first time being with a boy was nothing more than a sick contest, something to be joked about by Brad and his friends. How could I have wasted this first experience of something that should have been with someone who cared about me? Why didn’t I say something to those three douchebags? Why did I just slink out of there without uttering one word? Why didn’t I listen to my gut? I should have stopped things before they got so out of hand. I didn’t even love Brad. If Noah ever found out what happened I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye again. He’d be completely disappointed and disgusted by me. I felt completely empty. I couldn’t think anymore. I just wanted to disappear.
Starting at the age of 10, I wished I was an adult. I was ready to be a grown-up. I couldn’t wait to make my own decisions, go places by myself, live where I wanted to, dress the way I wanted to, and eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I dreamed of the day when it would be my decision to eat cake and ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if I wanted to. Be careful what you wish for.
Growing up means situations and people change, problems are bigger, feelings are deeper and the hurt devastating.
Also, you really can’t eat cake and ice cream for all three meals. The fat content alone puts you at risk of heart disease, diabetes, and an enormous ass. Yeah, growing-up sucks.
High school was done and I made it through, graduating with honors. I finished number six in the class. As usual, falling short of the big prize, but I wasn’t surprised. Vincent had gotten Valedictorian. He earned it.
My senior year had been a mixture of extreme highs and lows. I learned two important things, though. One, Brad was a sleazy Smurffucker, who kept his word. Noah never did find out about what had happened. Two, I was very good at compartmentalizing. I let the Brad incident affect me for a few days. I stayed to myself as much as possible during that time, then I tucked it away into its own dark compartment, left it there, and moved on.
To celebrate all the graduates from my neighborhood, the parents put together a party at the neighborhood park. Younger brothers and sisters ran around playing as moms and dads congratulated each other on their graduate’s achievement. Sitting at “our spot” looking out toward the pond, I couldn’t help but flip through all the memories I had of this spot, both good and bad.
Remembering my dad pushing me and Emily on the swings, and him being at the bottom of the slide ready to catch me because he knew I was scared of falling off at the bottom. Of course, most of my memories were of Noah. Of how much fun we had on the playground and feeding the ducks as kids when my mom brought us here. I remember feeling so grown-up the first time we were allowed to walk here by ourselves, it was the first time Noah and I held hands. We had our first date and kiss here. I experienced my first heartbreak and healing here. Over the years, this became our spot to be alone with each other, to share dreams, talk about problems, to listen to each other, and on more than one occasion, eat cake.
“Earth to Tweet.” Noah waved his hand in front of my face bringing me back to the present.
“Sorry.”
He sat next to me. Both of us looked out over the pond.
“What do you have rattling around in that beautiful head?”
“Nothing much, I was just thinking about all the time we’ve spent here.”
“You’re not getting all sentimental and mushy on me, are you?”
“Maybe just a little.” I gave him a slight smile.
“It’s going be hard not having you around.” There was an undercurrent of sadness in his voice.
“It’s going to be hard not having you around. You’ll come visit me, right? Columbia isn’t far, only about an hour and a half.”
There was only one university in South Carolina that offered a degree in journalism, USC. Since receiving my acceptance letter, I had asked Noah everyday if he would come visit me while I was there.
“Nothing could keep me away from my girl. I’ll be up there so often you’ll get sick of me,” he said.
“Impossible.”
He picked my hand up and placed a sweet gentle kiss on the back of it. We sat, quietly enjoying our spot before the silence was cracked by the shrill sound of his name being called.
“Noah!”
He dropped my hand and stood as Brooke walked up to us. I was still on the fence about how I felt in regards to her. She had always been pleasant to me in a fake kind of way. I wanted Noah to move on and find someone, but that didn’t mean I had to like it or the person. Let’s face it, Brooke could have been Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all rolled into one and I still wouldn’t like her dating my Noah. I tried not to show my petty ugly side when she was around. Noah seemed to like her and as long as he was happy, so was I.
“Hey, baby. I’ve been looking for you,” she said, wrapping her scrawny arms around Noah’s neck and giving him a kiss right on the lips. The kiss lasted an abnormal amount of time, I thought. We were after all in a public place with impressionable children running around. I cleared my throat reminding them that I was still sitting there.
Brooke released Noah’s neck. My eyes followed as she slid her arms down around his waist. “Sorry Amanda. I love kissing my fella. I just never want to stop.” I looked away to hide my eye roll. “Congrats on graduation,” she said.
Brooke had also graduated this year. She and Noah were staying in town and attending the College of Charleston for their undergraduate degrees. Noah would then attend the Medical University of South Carolina for his doctor’s degree in Sports Medicine. I didn’t know what Brooke’s educational plans were and I didn’t give a shit.
“Thanks. Back at ya.” I was monosyllabic when it came to Brooke. I couldn’t think of anything to say to her other than, “get your slimy hands off my Noah”. She probably wouldn’t want to hear that, so I kept it short and sweet.
“You hungry?” Noah asked Brooke.
She looked adoringly up at him and waggled her eyebrows. “I’m always hungry when you’re around, No-No.”
“Oh my god!! That’s your nickname?” It was out of my mouth before my brain had time to stop it. The laughter burst out of me with such force it caused me to jump back a little. “Oh man, that is rich.” I couldn’t seem to help myself. This was th
e most I had ever said to Brooke and it was all snarky.
She narrowed her eyes at me, her lips forming into a flat line. “I think it’s cute and Noah loves it when I call him that, especially followed by a moan.”
A cough flew out of Noah as if a bug had just flown into his mouth and down his throat. He rubbed the back of his neck and glanced over at me with a slight smile. Brooke giggled as she hugged his arm tighter.
“Did I give you the impression that I didn’t think it was cute? I’m sorry. It’s as cute as a Smurffucking button,” I said.
Now would be a good time to SHUT UP, Amanda.
An awkward pause fell over us. Somebody needed to leave. Noah glanced at me, as he put his arm around Brooke’s shoulder and said, “Well, let’s get you fed. See ya later, Tweet.”
As they started to walk away Brooke said over her shoulder, “See ya, Tweet.” Her sarcasm was evident. What a bitch.
Several yards away, they stopped. Noah whispered something into Brooke’s ear then jogged back to me. I couldn’t tell if he was mad or amused. Once he reached me, he leaned in close to my face.
“You will be severely punished later tonight.” An adorable devilish grin slowly appeared that sent shivers through me. He took a few steps back before turning and jogging back to Brooke’s side. She looked back at me with a smug expression that clearly said, “He’s mine”.
I watched them slid their hands down deep into each other’s back pocket. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe they were fornicating right in front of God and everybody. A burning sensation radiated throughout my chest and stomach. I turned my gaze back to the pond. I tried to get the picture of them groping each other out of my head. Looking down I started kicking the gravel with my heel. I felt someone walk up behind me. I turned and saw Emily holding two plates of food. I swung my legs over the bench to face her. She sat across the table and placed a plate in front of me.
“Thanks,” I said.
“What are you doing hiding over here?” she asked.
“I’m not hiding.” I fingered a potato chip before tossing it in my mouth.
“Brooke seems nice.”
“Yeah, she seems nice.”
“You don’t like her?”
“I don’t dislike her. I’m indifferent about her,” I proclaimed.
“Hmmm…”
“What?”
“Nothing, it’s just when it comes to Noah I’ve never known you to be indifferent. You’re usually black and white. There’s no gray area with you when it comes to him.”
“I’m a dark gray about her. Happy?”
“Ecstatic. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Why isn’t that you?” Emily tilted her chin in the direction of Noah and Brooke. We watched as they sat beside each other several tables away eating. Brooke giggled or kissed Noah between almost every bite of her food.
“It’s not like that. We’re best friends.” My response sounded automatic as I continued to stare. Emily snorted slightly. “What was that for?” I asked.
“Whatever is between you and Noah is more than friendship.”
“Emily, don’t.”
“What? It’s pretty obvious.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Amanda, anyone with half a brain can tell how much you care about each other.”
“Of course we care about each other. Friends do that, you know.”
“Why don’t you want to be with Noah?”
“Why are you asking me this stuff right now?”
“Because I saw the look on your face when you and him were sitting here talking. Then I saw the look on your face when Brooke walked up.”
“I’m going to be honest with you. It’s a little creepy that you watch me that closely,” I said.
Emily shook her head. “Typical Amanda.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She was beginning to annoy me.
“Whenever you get uncomfortable, you make a joke of things.”
“Well, there’s not enough laughter in the world.” I gave her a smug look. My previous annoyance started to shift to anger. I could feel my body start to tense and stiffen.
“Why are you and Noah not together, Amanda?”
“I’m not his type, obviously. Besides, I would screw it up in a heartbeat. I won’t risk losing him. There, now you know. I have felt like a failure and worthless for as long as I can remember.”
I just stared at her. When the last word left my mouth, I regretted it. I was already in a bad mood because of the PDA between Noah and Brooke, then Emily just kept pushing, I snapped and said more than I should have.
She took in a deep breath. “I know it hasn’t been easy being my sister. Growing up always being compared to me had to be a pain in the ass. Amanda, you’re beautiful, intelligent, kind, and talented. You’re perfect the way you are.” Glancing in Noah’s direction, she said, “You are so beyond good enough for Noah. I wish you believed it.”
“I wish I did too, but I don’t know any other way to be. Noah is with Brooke and he’s happy. That’s all that’s important to me. I’ve just been emotional today reminiscing about things. I’m sorry I snapped at you like that.”
Emily reached across the table and put her hand on the top of mine. “I’m here to listen, Manda, if you need me.”
“I know. Thanks.”
I knew Emily was trying to help, but both Noah and I had moved on. He had Brooke now and I was headed off to start my college career in a couple of months. He and I understood what our relationship was and we were good with it. It wasn’t perfect, but nothing ever is.
I spent the rest of the night talking with friends and family. I tried not to pay any attention to Noah and Brooke. It was a challenge with Brooke’s high pitched squeals of laughter piercing my ears. At times, my curiosity got the better of me and I glanced over at them. They were either kissing or hugging. Brooke always seemed to be sitting in his lap. Always. Like he was friggin’ Santa Claus. I was done. I was tired from the party, the reminiscing and especially watching Romeo and Juliet. I went around and said my goodbyes to some friends. Before I was able to make my escape, I heard one more blood curdling squeal from Brooke coming from the fire pit area. People were standing around the pit roasting marshmallows. When I glanced over, I saw Noah standing behind Brooke with his arms wrapped around her waist, kissing her neck. Yep, it was definitely time to call it a night.
I had been home for a couple of hours, hanging out on the sofa, channel surfing. Nothing held my attention except the thoughts of Noah and Brooke together. I couldn’t even get him alone long enough to give him his gift.
After getting my fill of the Saved By The Bell marathon, I turned the TV off and headed to my room. As I got closer, I heard my phone chime indicating I had a text. I grabbed it and looked to see who it was. I couldn’t help but smile at the picture. It was of me and Noah in one of those photo booths with our faces scrunched up, making a fish face.
Noah: Our spot. Now. Come alone.
I want u all 2 myself. ;)
I loved and hated when he sent flirty texts to me. They brought into focus what I couldn’t have with him. I typed out a quick reply.
Me: You’re not the boss of me.
I’ll come when I’m good & ready.
C u in a sec. ;)
Smiling as I hit send, I felt a rush of excitement. I couldn’t wait to be alone with Noah and give him his gift.
I sprinted to the park, slowing down as I got closer. I didn’t want to appear like the desperate loser I was, sitting home watching hours of old TV shows. I walked up to our spot. Noah was facing the pond. I stood there a second thinking about the time when I came here to help him practice kissing. Remembering how he had set up dinner for two as a surprise made me smile. I was such a sentimental fool tonight.
Without turning around, Noah said, “Are you going to come and sit down or look at my back the entire night?” I wouldn’t mind looking at his back the entire night. He had
a really nice back.
“Quit your bitchin,” I said as I walked around the table and sat beside him.
I placed his gift down next to me, so he wouldn’t see it just yet. Noah took my hand and laced our fingers together. I snuggled close to his side and laid my head on his shoulder.
“Where’d you run off to earlier?” he asked.
“I didn’t run off. The party was winding down, I was tired, so I went home.
“You left without saying anything to me. I thought you were mad at me,” he said.
“Why would I be mad at you?” I was curious of his answer.
“I don’t know. I was just disappointed when I realized you’d left.” He squeezed my hand slightly.
“Well, you seemed to have had your hands full.” I didn’t have to look to know he was smirking. “By the way, you guys were a bit much, don’t you think? I mean, jeez, get a room.”
“We did.” I couldn’t believe he just said that to me. I lifted my head off his shoulder, jerked my hand back, and leaned away from him.
“Don’t joke about something like that with me.” I bit down on my bottom lip and stared at him.
“Are you jealous?” he asked, as if he were challenging me.
I had already had my serious gut spilling talk for the day with Emily. I wasn’t having this one with Noah.
“Brooke’s nickname for you is stupid,” I sneered at him.
A smirk slowly took over his face. “I know. And, you are so damn cute when you’re jealous.”
“It’s lame. In fact, after I got through being embarrassed for you, I felt sorry for you, and then I threw up.” I kept unwavering eye contact with him.
He placed his hand over his heart and said, “Oh baby, you’ve just gone from damn cute to smokin’ hot.”
“Bastard.”
“I love when you talk dirty to me. Say something else.”
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