by Witt, L. A.
“That’s good. Not many people like their jobs.”
“No kidding. My brother and sister both have office jobs, and I don’t know how they haven’t lost their minds yet. They think my job sounds exhausting, but I almost go into a coma hearing about theirs.”
“I can relate completely. I wouldn’t have lasted five minutes in a cubicle.”
“Right? Sounds like hell to me.”
He nodded. “Bad enough having to do paperwork in my office at the garage. At least I can always go out and work on a car if it starts making my eyes cross.” He paused. “On the other hand, the paperwork is a good fallback when my damn back gets tired from leaning over an engine.”
“Oh man. I know that one. There’s an admin component to my job sometimes, and it somehow always comes up right around the time my hands are getting tired or I’m freezing my ass off.”
Aaron laughed, oblivious to what that did to my already wonky heartbeat. “Who knew paperwork would be a lifesaver sometimes?”
“Amen to that.”
“So when you’re not filming,” he said over his glass, “what kinds of crazy shit do you get into?”
“Crazy shit?” Like hooking up with horny firefighters? “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what do you do in your spare time?”
“Uh, not much, actually. My life is pretty boring compared to yours. I definitely haven’t done anything quite as exciting as smoke jumping or trying to kayak in a hurricane.” I laughed self-consciously. “I’ve probably spent more time chasing toddlers and helping with homework.” And now that I was trying to do something crazy, I suddenly felt fucking guilty. A lead weight formed in my stomach, killing my appetite, my libido, and my good mood in one fell swoop.
I left my kids at home alone so I could do this? Shit . . .
“What about when you were younger?” Aaron asked.
Lips pursed, I shook my head. “Didn’t have a chance, to be honest. I’ve been a single dad since I was eighteen. Completely on my own since nineteen.” And I owe it to my kids to be better than this. I’m supposed to be responsible. What am I doing? “So yeah. When everyone else was off doing the crazy shit we’re supposed to do in our twenties, I wasn’t. Got married when the next girlfriend was pregnant with our boys. Got divorced. Got married again. Moved here. Got divorced again.” I sighed, then I started to take a drink, but paused to bitterly add, “And here I am.”
He studied me. “It’s not too late, you know.”
“To do what?”
“To be a little wild. Live a little. Not irresponsibly, but . . . just because you’re a parent, doesn’t mean you have to be bored.”
I haven’t been bored since a tree landed on my soundstage.
And I want . . . God, I want . . .
“Well.” I cleared my throat. “Maybe. I mean, it took me until the other day to even sign up for Grindr. Baby steps, right?”
Aaron held my gaze, a delicious grin playing at his lips as his eyes narrowed. “I’d say it was a step in the right direction.”
Then why do I suddenly feel like taking another step would be a huge mistake?
* * *
Despite the “should I/shouldn’t I?” ping-ponging around in my head, I wasn’t in a hurry to leave the table. Even if I wasn’t sure where the lines were between recklessness and doing something for myself for once, I was damn sure I liked being around Aaron.
Eleven o’clock showed up way too soon, and after we’d reluctantly settled up the bill, we went outside to the parking lot.
“Well.” I slid my hands into my pockets as we slowed to a stop between our cars. “I guess I’ll see you . . .” When? How do we do this?
No, Shane. The question is should we do this?
“I’d like to see you again sooner than later,” he said with a playful—and maybe hopeful—smile. “I’m at the firehouse once or twice a week, but my evenings are free otherwise.”
“Yeah. Good. I’ll . . . let you know. Things are kind of up in the air at work.”
“I know.” The smile didn’t budge. “But you know where to find me.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I do.”
He stepped a little closer, almost close enough to let anyone who looked our way know we weren’t just a couple of guys having a conversation. For a moment, he hovered there, right on the border of platonic and not, and then with a half step, he crossed into that comfort zone. “Shame we have to call it a night.”
“Uh-huh.” I gulped, not sure if I should reach for him or keep my hands safely in the pockets of my jeans. “Definitely a shame.”
Or maybe a sign. A giant flashing CAUTION sign to remind me this might not be a good idea.
Not that Aaron seemed to notice it. “I’d offer to go back to my place, but you should get home to your kids.”
“Yeah. When we’ve both got an evening free, though . . .” What are you doing? We just had this conversation. What are you doing?
Oblivious to my internal flailing, he grinned and put a hand on my waist. “Say the word when you’ve got the time, and we’ll make last night look like a warm-up.”
“I like the sound of that.” Finally, I reached for him, and he didn’t say a word. Instead, he snaked his hands around to my lower back, pulled me in, and kissed me, and God, the gentleness of his kiss and the warmth of his skin through his shirt made responsibility feel like a fleeting thing. Something I could shrug off like my jacket and let the night go where it would. Getting home suddenly wasn’t nearly as high a priority as it should’ve been. I’d go, and I’d be a responsible parent like I always was, but damn if Aaron wasn’t tempting me into forgetting—if only for a few minutes—that I was a father.
And what if you did, Shane? What if you dragged him into the backseat for a quickie? What then?
I held him a little tighter and kissed him a little deeper, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew what would happen. We’d fool around. Then we’d meet up and fool around again. And I’d feel guiltier and guiltier for it. For the time I spent with him and not my family. For thinking of myself instead of them. The fact that I hadn’t been able to sow my wild oats in my twenties didn’t mean I should do it now at the potential expense to my kids.
Aaron pulled back and met my gaze. “What’s wrong?”
Damn. So much for keeping all this up my sleeve.
I put a hand on his waist, as much to touch him as to keep us a few inches apart. “Listen, I . . .”
Aaron tipped my chin up with two fingers. “What?”
Looking in his eyes didn’t help at all. It had been ages since I’d made a connection with anyone, and I shouldn’t have been surprised there wasn’t one here. Physical, yes, but that was it. Even after so long without human contact, when it would be super easy to see signals that weren’t there, my idiot brain wasn’t bothering to blur the lines between physical and . . . not. This was sex. Lust. Nothing more.
After all, how else could I even hold his attention? I suspected this smoke-jumping thrill seeker wouldn’t take long to decide he was bored with a single dad whose idea of adventure was a late dinner at a restaurant that didn’t provide crayons.
“Shane?” Aaron cocked his head. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed. “Look, this is new territory for me. I hadn’t even slept with anyone since my ex-husband left, and that was over a year ago, and I . . .”
“You’re nervous?”
“Ya think?”
He smiled. “It’s okay.”
“But I mean, I . . .” Heat flooded my face. “The thing is, I don’t want to be that guy who says we either have a relationship or call this off. I really don’t.” The words came out all at once, thoughts hitting my tongue before they’d spent enough time in my brain. I swallowed, not sure what to say next, or if I’d already said way too much.
Aaron’s spine slowly straightened, and he raised his eyebrows. “But . . .?”
“But . . .” I pulled in a deep breath, and finally, my b
rain found some more words. “I’ve never done this before. Ever. All I’ve had are relationships. The whole casual thing . . .” I shook my head. “I just haven’t. And I’m not totally sure I can. Or should. I mean, parents hang it up and settle down once they have kids, you know? For a reason.”
As soon as I said it, I saw the question in his eyes: What reason?
And I didn’t know. Or, at least, I didn’t know the words. That was just what parents did. We had kids, and we stopped being kids.
“Well,” he said. “Why not? I mean, as long as your kids are taken care of and you’re not throwing this in their faces, why can’t you go out and have a wild crazy time?” A grin formed that was somehow both cautious and devilish. “Why can’t we?”
My heart thudded against my ribs. He had a point. “I guess . . . I guess there’s really no reason we can’t.”
“No, there isn’t. I mean”—his eyebrow arched—“if it’s really what you want.”
Well, Shane? Is it? Is that what you want?
Oh God. Is it?
“Um.” I cleared my throat. “I, uh . . . I’m still not sure. Casual sex is not something I’ve . . .” Fuck. My brain was going in so many directions, I couldn’t even finish the sentence. Not coherently, anyway. This thing between us definitely stopped at sex and lust, and that was fine. Wasn’t it? So why couldn’t I settle in and enjoy that part without sweating bullets over the rest?
Aaron studied me, his features tensing as much as his posture did. He hadn’t pushed back and walked away, but he was uneasy. The longer the silence lasted, the more I realized how ridiculous and borderline crazy I’d sounded.
I exhaled. “I’m not asking for a commitment or anything like that.” I laughed nervously. “Little early for that, you know?”
He laughed too, and he sounded as uncomfortable as I felt.
“I’m not even sure if there’s anything here beyond sex, so . . . Fuck, I don’t know. I’m . . . I probably sound like a complete idiot right now. I mean, hell, I’m not even sure I want another committed relationship. Like ever.” I cringed inwardly, fully aware I was rambling and completely at a loss about where and how to stop. “Been there, done that, still paying the last one off. I just don’t know if I’m wired for . . . like, I want to go be wild and crazy, and I want to get laid without worrying about commitments and all that shit, but listen to me. Five seconds after I tell you that’s what I want, here we are.”
I rubbed a hand over my face, willing myself to get my foot out of my goddamned mouth, or at least the note of hysteria out of my voice. Finally, I took a deep breath and met his gaze. “I guess I’m just saying that if anything other than sex is off the table completely, I’d rather walk away now.”
A jolt of panic almost knocked me off my feet. What the fuck? That was even worse! God, what was wrong with me? Shut the hell up before you torpedo everything and he leaves.
And it was entirely possible he would leave, because there was no telling if there was even potential for anything else here, but the sex was awesome, so why give that up because—Jesus, could I not find a way to botch things with someone? Just one time?
“So, not a committed relationship,” he said quietly. “But not casual sex.” Inclining his head, he added, “Somewhere in between?”
“Yeah. I guess. Maybe? If there is such a thing.” I shifted my weight. “I mean, I don’t . . . All I really need to know is if we’re open to something happening later. And I have to think about my kids too. They’ve . . .” I avoided Aaron’s eyes. “They’ve been through hell because of my relationships.”
“So have you from the sound of it.” His tone was soft. Genuinely sympathetic, if I was hearing it right.
I nodded. “I guess I’m trying to figure out how to minimize the damage to everybody involved without . . .” My mouth went dry. Clearing my throat, I made myself meet his gaze. “Without cutting this off too soon.”
His eyebrows flicked up like he hadn’t expected that part.
“I’m sorry.” I blew out a breath. “I . . . I don’t know what I’m doing. I . . .” I raked a hand through my hair and avoided his eyes. “God, I’m sorry. I probably just made this thing so awkward, and—”
“Hey, slow down.” His tone was gentle, full of more understanding than I’d expected. “Why don’t we take things one night at a time?”
I looked at him again. “Really?”
Aaron nodded. “I’m not promising anything. I’ll keep an open mind, and if things progress, then . . .” He half shrugged. “We’ll take it as it comes. I just wouldn’t hold my breath about it.”
Well, that was something. Maybe he was being polite while he searched for the nearest exit, but maybe not. A mix of relief and fear swelled in my chest. “So what do we do now?”
A faint smile played at his lips, deepening the smoker’s lines. “You tell me. I’m kind of following your lead here.”
“I don’t even know.” I glanced at my watch, and my heart sank. “Shit. I need to roll for now. I don’t want to leave the kids alone too late.”
Aaron nodded. “Yeah, I understand. My animals are probably tearing my house to pieces by now too.”
“All right. Well.” I cleared my throat. “Yeah. You have my number. I have yours. So we’ll play things by ear. With meeting up again, I mean.”
“Sounds good to me.” He pulled me in for another kiss. “I’ll be in touch.”
“Okay. Talk to you soon.” I hope?
We exchanged smiles and a super brief kiss and then headed for our respective cars.
Before I’d opened my car door, I already wanted to kick myself for broaching this subject tonight. Couldn’t it have waited a few more nights? A week or two maybe? Long enough for me to spend a little more time in his bed and enjoy getting laid for once in my life? If I was already being irresponsible by sleeping with him, then did it make a difference if I did it one time or, like, five?
I hoped he didn’t think this meant I wanted to go ring shopping on our next date. I didn’t want to tie him down. I didn’t imagine I could tie down a smoke-jumping bachelor who’d ever thought kayaking in a hurricane was a good idea.
And ring shopping? I shuddered. I’d been down the aisle twice. No, thanks.
I got in the car and started the engine. Well, it was out there. I couldn’t take it back. I finally had some chemistry with someone, enough to get some much-needed sex, and I’d probably just nuked it from orbit on the second date.
Fucking things up, right on schedule. Way to go.
As I drove off, I glanced in the rearview and caught sight of his taillights.
Sure, we’d come to an understanding, and we’d agreed to give this a try.
But I was pretty damn sure the red lights fading in the mirror were the last I’d see of him.
Chapter 8
Aaron
That was . . . weird.
Lying in bed, I stared up at the ceiling, wide-awake and not even starting to drift off.
The animals had assumed their usual positions. Snowball was tucked into the crook of my arm. Oreo was on the other pillow. Jack was taking up the other half of the bed, snoring like a helicopter. Tiger was probably in a sink or the bathtub again. Everything was exactly like it always was.
Everything except me.
Any other night, I’d have been out cold. Nothing in the world put me out faster than two sleeping cats and a snoring dog. Tonight, not so much. Only Snowball kept me from tossing and turning, but she didn’t keep me from wanting to. Surrounded by sleeping animals, I was beyond restless.
What the hell had happened tonight?
The evening had been enjoyable, but the way it ended had left me with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn’t sure why I’d left things open-ended. Was I just being polite? Not wanting to hurt his feelings? Or was I really entertaining this idea? Considering—for even a second—moving into relationship territory with someone I’d only slept with once? Dear God, no.
Okay, so we wer
en’t actually diving in, but he wanted the door open for it, and I knew damn well what that meant. If I opened the door when Jack was pawing at it, there was no question he’d come thundering inside. Relationships weren’t that much different. Let your guard down, leave the door open, and the inevitable happened.
My life was exactly how I wanted it right now. A business and a lot of hookups between nights spent at the firehouse, doing what I’d expected to do forever. I’d finally settled into a groove five years after both firefighting jobs and my last relationship had been yanked out from under me. The career I’d lived for and the man I’d loved were gone. The last couple of years, I’d finally been okay with that. With where my life was. I was content, and I wasn’t ready for any kind of upheaval to come along and stir up the dust again.
And yet I couldn’t make myself delete Shane from my phone and move on.
With literally any other man, I’d have run for the hills the instant relationships came up during a second date. Hell, this was more like a first date, so that was even worse. We’d had sex once. We’d had dinner once. And already we were going there.
And yeah, the sex was great, and yeah, I wanted more, but Shane wasn’t the only piece of ass in town. There was plenty of sex to be had without all this headache attached.
Sighing, I closed my eyes. I started to bring up my arm to scrub my hand over my face, but a paw over my wrist stopped me.
“Sorry,” I murmured. Snowball squirmed a little, sighed, and apparently went back to sleep. Not a worry in the world except being disturbed during her twenty-three-and-a-half-hour naps. Lucky little shit.
So what happened if things with Shane continued on this trajectory? What if I did leave the door open, and I let things progress the way they probably already were in his head? Relationships didn’t seamlessly blend in with a person’s existing life. Everything changed.