'There's a strong rumour going round the Sheridan Club that Rumpole called you a boring old fart.' At which Arthur Nottley whispered to our leader, 'Probably the only true words spoken in the case!' and Ballard did his best to look disapproving at such impertinence.
'I know what he said.' Oliphant was overcome with terrible common sense. 'It was the clearest contempt of court. That's why I felt it was my public duty to report the matter to the Bar Council.'
'And they're also saying', Varian was always marvellously well informed, 'that Rumpole's case has been put over to a Disciplinary Tribunal.' 'And may the Lord have mercy on his soul,' Graves intoned.
'Rumpole on trial! You must admit, it's rather an amusing idea.' The news was bad and it had better be broken to She Who Must Be Obeyed as soon as possible. I had every reason to believe that when she heard it, the consequent eruption of just wrath against the tactless, bloody-mindedness of Rumpole would register on the Richter Scale as far away as Aldgate East and West Hampstead. So it was in the tentative and somewhat nervous way that a parent on Guy Fawkes night lights the blue touch paper and stands well back that I said to Hilda one evening when we were seated in front of the gasfire, 'Old thing, I've got something to tell you.' 'And I've got something to tell you, Rumpole.' She was drinking coffee and toying with the Telegraph crossword and seemed in an unexpectedly good mood. All the same, I had to confess, 'I think I've about finished with this game.' 'What game is that, Rumpole?' 'Standing up and bowing, saying, "If your Lordship pleases, In my very humble submission. With the very greatest respect, my Lord" to some old fool no one has any respect for at all.' 'That's the point, Rumpole! You shouldn't have to stand up any more, or bow to anyone.' 'Those days are over, Hilda. Definitely over!' 'I quite agree.' I was delighted to find her so easily persuaded. 'I shall let them go through their absurd rigmarole and then they can do their worst.' 'And you'll spend the rest of your days sitting,' Hilda said.
I thought that was rather an odd way of putting it, but I was glad of her support and explained my present position in greater detail. 'So be it!' I told her. 'If that's all they have to say to me after a lifetime of trying to see that some sort of lustice is done to a long line of errant human beings, good luck to them. If that's my only reward for trying to open their eyes and understand that there are a great many people in this world who weren't at Winchester with them, and have no desire to take port with the benchers of the Outer Temple, let them get on with it. "From this time forth I never will speak word!"' 'I'm sure that's best, Rumpole, except for your summingsup.' 'My what?' I no longer followed her drift.
'Your summings-up to the Jury, Rumpole. You can do those sitting down, can't you?' 'Hilda,' I asked patiently, 'what are you talking about?' 'I know what you're talking about. I had a word with Marigold Featherstone, in Harrods.' 'Does she know already?' News of Rumpole's disgrace had, of course, spread like wildfire.
'Well, not everything. But she was going to see Guthrie did something about it.' 'Nothing he can do.' I had to shatter her hopes. 'Nothing anyone can do, now.' 'You mean, they told you?' She looked more delighted than ever.
'Told me what?' 'You're going to be a judge?' 'No, my dear old thing. I'm not going to be a judge. I'm not even going to be a barrister. I'm up before the Disciplinary Tribunal., Hilda. They're going to kick me out.' She looked at me in silence and I steeled myself for the big bang, but to my amazement she asked, quite quietly, 'Rumpole, what is it? You've got yourself into some sort of trouble?' "That's the understatement of the year.' 'Is it another woman?' Hilda's mind dwelt continually on sex.
'Not really. It's another man. A North Country comedian who gave me more of his down-to-earth common sense than I could put up with.' 'Sir Oliver Oliphant?' She knew her way round the Judiciary.
'You weren't rude to him, were you, Rumpole?' 'In all the circumstances, I think I behaved with remarkable courtesy,' I assured her.
'That means you were rude to him.' She was not born yesterday. 'I once poured him a cup of tea at the Outer Temple garden party.' 'What made you forget the arsenic?' 'He's probably not so bad when you get to know him.' 'When you get to know him,' I assured her, 'he's much, much worse.' 'What else have you done, Rumpole? You may as well tell me now.' 'They say I spoke to my client at lunchtime. I am alleged to have told him not to bore us all to death.' 'Was it a woman client?' She looked, for a moment, prepared to explode, but I reassured her. 'Decidedly not! It was a retired civil servant called Henry Sebastian Long.' 'And when is this tribunal?' She was starting to sound determined, as though war had broken out and she was prepared to fight to the finish.
'Shortly. I shall treat it with the contempt it deserves,' I told her, 'and when it's all over I shall rest: For the sword outwears its sheath, And the soul wears out the breast, And the heart must pause to breathe, And love itself have rest.' The sound of the words brought me some comfort, although I wasn't sure they were entirely appropriate. And then she brought back my worst fears by saying, 'I shall stand by you, Rumpole, at whatever cost. I shall stand by you, through thick and thin.' Perhaps I should explain the obscure legal process that has to be gone through in the unfrocking, or should I say unwigging, of a barrister. The Bar Council may be said to be the guardian of our morality, there to see we don't indulge in serious crimes or conduct unbecoming to a legal hack, such as assaulting the officer in charge of the case, dealing in dangerous substances round the corridors of the Old Bailey or speaking to our clients in the lunch-hour. Mr Justice Oilie Oliphant had made a complaint to that body and a committee had decided to send me for trial before a High Court Judge, three practising barristers and a lay assessor, one of the great and the good who could be relied upon to uphold the traditions of the Bar and not ask awkward questions or give any trouble to the presiding Judge. It was the prospect of She Who Must Be Obeyed pleading my cause as a character witness before this august tribunal which made my blood run cold.
There was another offer of support which I thought was far more likely to do me harm than good. I was, a few weeks later, alone in Pommeroy's Wine Bar, contemplating the tail end of a bottle of Chateau Fleet Street and putting off the moment when I would have to return home to Hilda's sighs of sympathy and the often-repeated, unanswerable question, 'How could you have done such a thing, Rumpole? After all your years of experience', to which would no doubt be added the information that her Daddy would never have spoken to a client in the lunch-hour, or at any other time come to that, when I heard a familiar voice calling my name and I looked up to see my old friend Fred Timson, head of the great South London family of villains from which a large part of my income is derived. Naturally I asked him to pull up a chair, pour out a glass and was he in some sort of trouble?
'Not me. I heard you was, Mr Rumpole. I want you to regard me as your legal adviser.' When I explained that the indispensable Mr Bernard was already filling that post at my trial he said, 'Bernard has put me entirely in the picture, he having called on my cousin Kevin's secondhand car lot as he was interested in a black Rover, only fifty thousand on the clock and the property of a late undertaker. We chewed the fat to a considerable extent over your case, Mr Rumpole, and I have to inform you, my own view is that you'll walk it. We'll get you out, sir, without a stain on your character.' 'Oh, really, Fred', I already felt some foreboding, 'and how will you manage that?' 'It so happened', he started on a long story, 'that Cary and Chas Timson, being interested spectators in the trial of Chas's brother-in-law Benny Panton on the Crockthorpe postoffice job, was in the Old Bailey on that very day! And they kept your client Tongue, or whatever his name was ' 'Long.' 'Yes, they kept Mr Long in view throughout the lunchhour, both of them remaining in the precincts as, owing to a family celebration the night before, they didn't fancy their dinner. And they can say, with the utmost certainty, Mr Rumpole, that you did not speak one word to your client throughout the lunchtime adjournment! So the good news is, two cast-iron alibi witnesses. I have informed Mr Bernard accordingly, and you are bound to walk!' I don't know
what Fred expected but all I could do was to look at him in silent wonder and, at last, say, 'Very interesting.' 'We thought you'd be glad to know about it.' He seemed surprised at my not hugging him with delight. 'How did they recognize Mr Long?' 'Oh, they asked who you was defending, being interested in your movements as the regular family brief. And the usher pointed this Long out to the witnesses.' 'Really? And who was the Judge in the robbery trial they were attending?' 'They told me that! Old Penal Parsloe, I'm sure that was him.' 'Mr Justice Parsloe is now Lord Justice Parsloe, sitting in the Court of Appeal,' I had to break the bad news to him. 'He hasn't been down the Bailey for at least two years. I'm afraid your ingenious defence wouldn't work, Fred, even if I intended to deny the charges.' 'Well, what judge was it, then, Mr Rumpole?' 'Never mind, Fred.' I had to discourage his talent for invention.
'It's the thought that counts.' When I left Pommeroy's a good deal later, bound for Temple tube station, I had an even stranger encounter and a promise of further embarrassment at my trial. As I came down Middle Temple Lane on to the Embankment and turned right towards the station, I saw the figure of Claude ErskineBrown approaching with his robe bag slung over his shoulder, no doubt whistling the big number from G'btterdammerung, perhaps kept late by some jury unable to make up its mind.
Claude had been the cause of all my troubles and I had no desire to bandy words with the fellow, so I turned back and started to retrace my steps in an easterly direction. Who should I see then but Oilie Oliphant issuing from Middle Temple Lane, smoking a cigar and looking like a man who has been enjoying a good dinner. Quick as a shot I dived into such traffic as there was and crossed the road to the Embankment, where I stood, close to the wall, looking down into the inky water of the Thames, with my back well turned to the two points of danger behind me.
I hadn't been standing there very long, sniffing the night air and hoping I had got shot of my two opponents, when an unwelcome hand grasped my arm and I heard a panic-stricken voice say, 'Don't do it, Rumpole!' 'Do what?' 'Take the easy way out.' 'Bollard!' I said, for it was our Head of Chambers behaving in this extraordinary fashion. 'Let go of me, will you?' At this, Ballard did relax his grip and stood looking at me with deep and intolerable compassion as he intoned, 'However serious the crime, all sinners may be forgiven. And remember, there are those that are standing by you, your devoted wife and me! I have taken up the burden of your defence.' 'Well, put it down, Bollard! I have nothing whatever to say to those ridiculous charges.' 'I mean, I am acting for you, at your trial.' I then felt a genuine, if momentary, desire to hurl myself into the river, but he was preaching on. 'I think I can save you, Rumpole, if you truly repent.' 'What is this?' I couldn't believe my ears. 'A legal conference or a prayer meeting?' 'Good question, Rumpole! The two are never far apart.
You may achieve salvation, if you will say, after me, you have erred and strayed like a lost sheep.' The? Say that to Oilie Oliphant?' Had Bollard taken complete leave of his few remaining senses?
'Repentance, Rumpole. It's the only way.' 'Never!' 'I don't ask it for myself, Rumpole, even though I'm standing by you.' 'Well, stop standing by me, will you? I'm on my way to the Underground.' And I started to move away from the man at a fairly brisk pace.
'I ask it for that fine woman who has devoted her life to you. A somewhat unworthy cause, perhaps. But she is devoted. Rumpole, I ask it for Hilda!' What I didn't know at that point was that Hilda was being more active in my defence than I was. She had called at our Chambers and, while I was fulfilling a previous engagement in Snaresbrook Crown Court, she had burst into Ballard's room unannounced, rousing him from some solitary religious observance or an afternoon sleep brought on by overindulgence in bean-shoot sandwiches at the vegetarian snack bar, and told him that I was in a little difficulty. Ballard'sview, when he had recovered consciousness, was that I was in fact in deep trouble and he had prayed long and earnestly about the matter.
'I hope you're going to do something a little more practical than pray!' Hilda, as you may have noticed, can be quite sharp on occasions. She went on to tell Soapy Sam that she had called at the Bar Council, indeed there was no door she wouldn't open in my cause, and had been told that what Rumpole needed was a Q.C. to defend him, and if he did his own case in the way he carried on down the Bailey 'he'd be _unk'.
'That seems to be sound advice, Mrs Rumpole.' 'I said there was no difficulty in getting a Q.C. of standing and that Rumpole's Head of Chambers would be delighted to act for him.' 'You mean', there was, I'm sure, a note of fear in Ballard's voice, 'you want me to take on Rumpole as a client?' 'I want you to stand by him, Sam, as I am doing, and as any decent Head of Chambers would for a tenant in trouble.' 'But he's got to apologize to Mr Justice Oliphant, fully and sincerely. How on earth am I going to persuade Rumpole to do that?' Ballard no doubt felt like someone called upon to cleanse the Augean stables, knowing perfectly well that he'd never be a Hercules.
'Leave that to me. I'll do the persuading. You just think of how you'd put it nice and politely to the Judge.' Hilda was giving the instructions to counsel, but Ballard was still daunted. 'Rumpole as a client,' he muttered. 'God give me strength!' 'Don't worry, Sam. If God won't, I certainly will.' After this encounter Ballard dined in his newfound splendour as a bencher and after dinner he found himself sitting next to none other than the complaining Judge Oilie Oliphant, who was in no hurry to return to his bachelor flat in Temple Gardens. Seeking to avoid a great deal of hard and thankless work before the Disciplinary Tribunal, Soapy Sam started to soften up his Lordship, who seemed astonished to hear that he was defending Rumpole.
'I am acting in the great tradition of the Bar, Judge,' Soapy Sam excused himself by saying. 'Of course we are bound to represent the most hopeless client, in the most disagreeable case.' 'Hopeless. I'm glad you see that. Shows you've got a bit of common sense.' 'Might you take', Ballard was at his most obsequious, 'in your great wisdom and humanity, which is a byword at the Old Bailey, you are known, I believe, as the Quality of Mercy down there, a merciful view if there were to be a contrite apology?' 'Rumpole'd rather be disbarred than apologize to me.' Oliphant was probably right.
'But if he would?' 'If he would, it'd cause him more genuine pain and grief than anything else in the world.' And then the Judge, thinking it over, was heard to make some sort of gurgling noise that 230 fr might have passed for a chuckle. 'I'd enjoy seeing that, I really would. I'd love to see Horace Rumpole grovel. That might be punishment enough. It would be up to the Tribunal, of course.' 'Of course. But your attitude, Judge, would have such an influence, given the great respect you're held in at the Bar.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much.' It was after that bit of crawling over the dessert that I spotted Oliphant coming out of Middle Temple Lane and Ballard imagined he'd saved me from ending my legal career in the cold and inhospitable waters of the Thames.
It soon became clear to me that my supporters expected me to appear as a penitent before Mr Justice Oliphant. This was the requirement of She Who Must Be Obeyed, who pointed out the awful consequences of my refusal to bow the knee.
'How could I bear it, Rumpole?' she said one evening when the nine o'clock news had failed to entertain us. 'I remember Daddy at the Bar and how everyone respected him. How could I bear to be the wife of a disbarred barrister? How could I meet any of the fellows in Chambers and hear them say, as I turned away, "Of course, you remember old Rumpole..
Kicked out for unprofessional conduct."' Of course I saw her point. I sighed heavily and asked her what she wanted me to do.
'Take Sam Ballard's advice. We've all told you, apologize to Sir Oliver Oliphant.' 'All right, Hilda, you win.' I hope I said it convincingly, but down towards the carpet, beside the arm of my chair, I had my fingers crossed.
Hilda and I were not the only couple whose views were not entirely at one in that uneasy period before my trial. During a quiet moment in the clerk's room. Henry came out with some startling news for Dot.
'Well, I told Eileen last night. It w
as an evening when she wasn't out at the Drainage Inquiry and I told my wife quite frankly what we decided.' 'What did we decide?' Dot asked nervously.
'Like, what you told me. I'm a big part of your life.' 'Did I say that?' 'You know you did. We can't hide it, can we. Dot? We're going to make a future together.' 'You told your wife that?' Dot was now seriously worried.
'She understood what I was on about. Eileen understands I got to have this one chance of happiness, while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.' 'Did you say "young enough". Henry?' 'So, we're beginning a new life together. That all right, Dot?' Before she could answer him, the telephone rang and the clerk's room began to fill with solicitors and learned friends in search of briefs. Henry seemed to regard the matter as closed and Dot didn't dare to reopen it, at least until after my trial was over and a historic meeting took place.
During the day time, when the nuts and fruit and madeira were put away and the tables were arranged in a more threatening and judicial manner, my trial began in the Outer Temple Parliament Room. It was all, I'm sure, intended to be pleasant and informal: I wasn't guarded in a dock but sat in a comfortable chair beside my legal advisers, Sam Ballard, Q.c., Liz Probert, his junior, and Mr Bernard, my instructing solicitor.
However, all friendly feelings were banished by the look on the face of the presiding Judge; I had drawn the short straw in the shape of Mr Justice Graves, or Gravestone, as I preferred to call him, who looked as though he was sick to the stomach at the thought of a barrister accused of such appalling crimes, but if someone had to be he was relieved, on the whole, that it was only Horace Rumpole.
John Mortimer - Rumpole On Trial Page 24