by Candy Harper
‘That’s not bad,’ I said. ‘Perhaps we could find someone to stand in front of it every time Icky walked past.’
‘I’m not sure anyone has got that much time on their hands, Faith,’ Megs said.
‘I don’t know about that. I’ve never seen the cleaning lady do anything other than tut. She could do that at the same time as blocking the sheet, couldn’t she?’
‘That’s not going to work, Faith.’
‘Or Limp Lizzie – she’s not exactly an asset to any of her lessons, is she? If she’s going to quietly mope for the whole school day, there’s no reason why she couldn’t do it where I tell her to.’
No one replied so I went on.
‘Or the Food Tech teacher. I’m sure she’d enjoy an actual purpose to her miserable existence for once or . . .’
At that point I realised that I was talking to myself. It seems that people can only cope with a small amount of my mind-blowing wisdom at a time. I should be gentler with my stupid friends.
LATER
We never did solve the problem of how to keep Icky away.
Maybe some sort of bug spray?
THURSDAY 9TH FEBRUARY
I went into school this morning in a very businessy mood. I can be businessy if I want to, especially if the business is nice stuff for me. At break time I said to the girls, ‘We need to discuss my birthday.’
Megs sighed. ‘We never talk about anything else at the moment.’
Angharad patted my arm. ‘We’re not going to forget your birthday, Faith. You wrote it in all our planners.’
‘And you sent us a reminder last week,’ Lily said.
More evidence of how efficient and businessy I am. I don’t know why my mother ever calls me disorganised.
‘The problem is that my birthday falls in half-term,’ I said.
Lily grinned. ‘That’s good, you’ll be able to have a lie-in and get your little brother to bring you breakfast in bed.’
There are many things that Lily gets completely wrong and one of them is little brothers. She’s always thinking that Sam could be of use to me or that I’ve got some sort of non-aggressive feelings towards him.
‘I’m not saying that I won’t enjoy the extra snooze time,’ I said. ‘What worries me is that I won’t be able to milk my birthday for all it’s worth.’
‘What do you mean milk it?’ Angharad asked.
‘Oh, you know how it goes: “Can I have one of your crisps? It’s my birthday,” or “Can I push in front of you in the lunch queue? It’s my birthday,” and “Please don’t scald me with the molten lava of your hatred, Miss Ramsbottom. It’s my birthday.”’
They nodded. Everyone knows that you can ask for a few cheeky favours on your birthday. I mean, I ask for cheeky favours all the time, but I find that you’re much more likely to actually get them on your special day. ‘So you can see how unfair it is that my birthday is in half-term. I won’t see anyone to extract my birthday offering from them.’
‘You’ll see us,’ Lily said. ‘We’ll come round.’
‘Yeah, but most people won’t bother about my birthday unless I’m there to rub their faces in it.’
‘Maybe your birthday won’t be in half-term next year,’ Ang said, as if that was the end of it.
‘I’m going to be more proactive than that. I’ve decided that this year . . .’ I paused for effect. ‘. . . I’m going to have a pre-birthday day.’
I waited for a round of applause.
‘That’s nice,’ Lily said, then she got out her Maths book. ‘Ang, can you explain this algebra to me?’
‘Wait a minute! Don’t you want to hear about my plans?’
‘Do we have to do anything?’ Megs asked in what I felt was quite a whiny way.
‘No. You can just encourage others in their generosity.’
Lily turned back to her Maths book.
‘Although, obviously, you’ll need to purchase a gift.’
‘I’ve already got your birthday present,’ Ang said.
‘Yes, but you’ll need a pre-birthday day present.’
‘What, another one? I’m saving up to take a tourist trip into space,’ Lily said.
‘Won’t that take forever?’
Lily shrugged. ‘I’m young. There’s plenty of time. But it would quicker if I didn’t have to buy extra birthday presents.’
I pursed my lips. ‘It doesn’t have to be much, just a token.’
There was some more muttering. Honestly, they want to watch it or I’ll dump them for some friends who are more giving. In both the spiritual and the birthday chocolates way.
FRIDAY 10TH FEBRUARY
Tonight’s the club night. Although I’m not sure that anything they can do with lighting or smoke machines is going to make the hall look like a club, so they may as well call it a school disco.
For once, my jailers are allowing Megs, Ang and Lily to come round and get ready here. They did make up all sorts of ridiculous rules about not shrieking or bouncing on the bed so hard that plaster falls from the ceiling in the sitting room. Honestly. I mean, what’s a gathering without a bit of bed bouncing?
My parents’ fascism aside, I’m really looking forward to tonight. It is a completely official date for me and Finn.
SATURDAY 11TH FEBRUARY
So much happened last night.
The girls came round early and we all got ready. As we were coming downstairs, Dad called, ‘Let’s see your party frocks then! I’ve got the camera out.’ He went a bit pale when he saw what we were wearing. I think he thought that we’d be in satin and frills. He looked at Mum.
‘It’s perfectly normal,’ she said. ‘Or at least as normal as teenagers get.’
Which is a bit of a cheek coming from a fully grown woman who owns a china unicorn.
Dad managed to keep his grieving over the maturing of his only daughter down to a low muttering and he drove us to school without doing anything else embarrassing.
It turns out that whoever was in charge of decorations knew exactly what you need to convert a school hall with wooden floorboards and floral curtains into a cool and sophisticated club environment: signs. There were signs about chewing gum, signs about not spilling drinks, signs about where the loos were. The overall effect was more like an optician’s than a club. Not that I’ve ever been to a club, but I imagine black velvet sofas and fancy mirrors. We were stuck with gym benches and posters about basketball. But what’s important is that everyone was there.
Everyone.
And they all got to see me on my date with Finn. There was even a bunch of St Mildred’s girls.
‘Who let them in?’ Megs asked when she caught sight of Cherry.
‘They let in anyone with a ticket,’ Angharad said. ‘The money’s for charity.’
Megs sniffed. ‘You’d think orphans would have higher standards.’
‘Actually, it’s for guide dogs,’ Angharad said.
‘That explains it,’ Lily said. ‘They can’t see.’
I was going to attempt to explain guide dogs to Lily, but I was interrupted by Icky who yelled, ‘Hey, Faith!’ from the table where she was sitting. ‘Just because it’s for charity doesn’t mean that you have to dress in clothes that came from the Cancer Research shop.’
I gave her a hard stare. ‘I hope we raise enough money for a lot of guide dogs; we’re going to need them if you keep blinding people with the glare off your pound-shop jewellery.’
Then my lovely friends formed a huddle round me and we completely ignored any further squeaking from Icky until Megs said, ‘Oh my God, look!’
We all turned round.
‘No, don’t look!’
We all pretended to admire the ceiling.
‘Just don’t be obvious,’ Megs hissed. ‘You’ll start her off again.’
‘What is it that we’re looking at, but not looking at, Megs?’ I was expecting to see Mrs Webber tongue-duelling with Mr Millet by this point.
‘Icky’s feet.’
Icky ha
d stood up and made her way round the table so that we could now clearly see that she was wearing the most ridiculous pair of high heels. I really do mean high. Six inches at least. They almost doubled her height. She must have had to climb a stepladder just to get into them.
‘They look painful,’ Ang said.
Lily nodded. ‘They’re not even nice.’
They weren’t. There was a ring of spikes around the ankle. They looked like something a Viking would use in battle.
‘Maybe she’s trying to keep people away from her toes,’ Angharad suggested.
I nodded. ‘That’s understandable. She doesn’t want anyone to know that she’s got trotters instead of feet.’
Just at that moment, Icky topped things off by deciding that she wanted a drink. She left her band of annoying girls and walked off to the refreshments hatch. I say walked, but actually she had to bend her knees and throw out her arms just to keep her balance. She tried to use speed to suggest confidence, but it was more of a trot than a strut. Essentially, she looked like a drunken pony on a tightrope. I laughed so hard that I hope I haven’t spoiled my phone footage with all the shaking.
When Finn arrived, I got separated from the girls for a while, but I didn’t mind because Finn was being super chatty and attentive. Also, he was looking really good. He was wearing a T-shirt that seemed to showcase his collarbone. Even that boy’s skeleton is attractive. I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed how gorgeous he was looking; every time I turned round, I could see dozens of girls’ eyes fixed on him. Some of them didn’t just look. Some of them wanted to chat. I suppose that it’s to Finn’s credit that he talked to everyone that wanted to speak to him rather than swatting them away like the blood-sucking insects that they are.
I was wondering if we could set up some sort of force field to keep back dribbling girls when I spotted Megs, Cam and Ethan working their way across the hall. I waved. ‘Come and sit with us!’
Ethan looked at the people sitting at my table: sporty boys and hair-flicking girls. ‘Sorry, Faith, the light bouncing off this lot’s fake smiles would give me a migraine. We’re going to sit with Westy.’ He pointed towards the back of the hall. ‘If you get tired of listening to people tell you how great they are, you should come over.’
He turned away and Cameron followed him, pulling Megs by the hand. Megs mouthed sorry and said, ‘I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?’, leaving me on my own. I mean not on my own obviously: I was sitting next to my lovely boyfriend. But I wished the gang had stuck around. I don’t see why Ethan couldn’t put aside his dislike of people who can run faster than him for once.
Finn asked me about my day and we had a nice chat about why parents are obsessed with the tidiness of rooms they’re not even allowed to enter, but when he went off to get us some drinks I was left with his friends and the large crowd of girls they’d attracted, and I was a bit stuck for something to say.
‘I like the fairy lights,’ I said to Josh.
He nodded.
‘It’s a good night, isn’t it?’
He nodded again.
Then a girl interrupted me to say to Josh, ‘I saw you playing basketball the other day. You were amazing.’
Which was obviously the key to Josh’s voice box because he started going on about jab steps and skip passes.
I could see that Finn had been waylaid on his way to getting our drinks so I decided to look for the girls. I got as far as the steps up to the stage when a voice in my ear said, ‘Where’s the bar?’
It was Ethan.
I pointed. ‘It’s less of a bar and more of a hatch.’
Ethan looked round and saw Mrs Webber trying to open a packet of straws behind the serving window that connects the hall to the kitchen.
‘I was going to suggest whisky and soda,’ Ethan said, lounging against the stage, ‘but I think weak lemon squash is more likely.’
‘I’ve often wondered about the lemon squash market,’ I said.
‘Yeah, it’s entirely supported by schools and the Guiding movement.’
‘Makes sense,’ I said. ‘Explains why teachers always look so sour.’
‘That’s their disappointment in the youth of today,’ Ethan replied, ‘but the squash doesn’t help.’
We talked for a while. I was really pleased because I haven’t had a proper chat with Ethan for ages, but, just when I was really starting to enjoy myself, he said, ‘Better do the rounds. I’ll never make it as a corrupt MP unless I get the support of the unwashed multitude.’ And he sauntered off.
Which was fine because Finn was coming over to dance with me. I hardly even noticed that the unwashed multitude that Ethan was talking to most were a bunch St Minger’s girls.
That’s his business. I was having a great time with Finn. My boyfriend who I like loads.
Dancing with Finn really was great. He looks amazing when he moves. I got tingles every time we touched hands or bumped hips.
Megs and Lily came back from the loos and joined us to show off their dancing skills. Or at least Megs did. Lily mostly showed off the backs of her knees and the price sticker on the sole of her shoe while she repeatedly did scissor kicks.
‘Where’s Ang?’ I asked Lily.
‘Dunno. She said she was going to look for Elliot.’
After a bit, I said to Finn, ‘I’m boiling. Do you want to go outside for a bit?’
He smiled. ‘OK.’
I was steering us through the hordes, thinking that maybe outside there’d be a bit of snog action, when I finally spotted Angharad. She was sitting on a chair, all by herself, looking miserable.
Finn squeezed my hand. Part of me was already outside with my arms round him, snogging for England, but I couldn’t just leave Ang. I turned round to get Megs’s attention, but she and Lily had already disappeared. Maybe Ang was all right; maybe she was just taking a breather? I looked over at her again. She hunched her shoulders and bit her lip.
‘Listen, Finn, I’ve just got to see Angharad. It’s important. Can we do this in a bit?’
‘Sure, OK, Faith.’
Before he’d got three steps from me, I saw a Year Eleven swoop down and start smiling all over him.
Angharad didn’t even look up when I sat down.
‘You OK?’ I asked.
She looked at me and then back at the dance floor. Between bobbing heads and waving hands there was Elliot. Dancing with a curly-haired girl.
‘Oh. Well, they’re just dancing, Ang. Maybe you could dance with him next?’
‘How? I’m not like her. She just walked right up to him and asked him!’
‘I thought after the New Year party you were feeling more confident with Elliot?’
‘I was, but I’m never going to be like that, am I?’
She pointed at the curly girl who was flinging her arms out and grinding her hips.
‘You shouldn’t compare yourself to other people, Ang! I mean that girl does look confident and outgoing . . .’ I paused to watch her twitching her bottom about, ‘and like she’s got a small animal attacking her in the knicker region, but you’re quieter and more dignified. Those are good qualities too.’
Angharad looked unconvinced.
‘You’re also really kind and considerate and thoughtful and generous and brainy and pretty and sweet. And there are lots of people, including boys, who think that makes you a great person to know.’
‘I’ve just been feeling a bit . . . left out. It’s so busy and noisy here.’
Which I thought was one of the best things about it, but obviously Ang wasn’t enjoying it.
I looked at the dance floor again. Finn was dancing with Josh and a couple of girls. I really wanted to be the one dancing with my boyfriend, but I squashed down my dancing desires and said, ‘Do you want to go back to my house instead, Ang? We could watch a film and eat chocolate and do impressions of curly-haired girls who wave their arms about so much that they accidentally pick their dancing partner’s nose.’
Angharad looked over. Elli
ot was jerking his face away from the girl’s flailing nails. She laughed. ‘That’s OK, Faith. I’m staying the night with Lily. I don’t mind waiting for her.’
‘Why don’t we go outside and get a bit of air then?’
‘I’d like that.’
So we went outside and sat on the wall and I reminded Ang how amazing she is.
When we’d cooled down, we came back into the entrance hall where Icky’s idiot friend was attempting to pull one of the Viking shoes off Icky’s swollen trotter.
‘It won’t budge; you’re just going to have to wear them for the rest of the night,’ Icky’s friend said.
When Icky saw us, she snatched her foot away and attempted to look casual. ‘Have you lost your tiny boyfriend?’ she asked Angharad. ‘Did you put him down and forget where you left him? I hope someone doesn’t step on—’
I shoved Icky backwards. How dare she talk to Ang like that? ‘That’s enough, Vicky! You’re clearly just jealous of Angharad’s poise and her ability to attract boys.’
‘I can attract any boy I like.’ She narrowed her ratty eyes. ‘You know, Faith, you really shouldn’t leave your boyfriend unattended.’
‘Shut up, Vicky!’ Ang said.
‘Finn’s not a laptop,’ I said to Icky. ‘He’s not going to get stolen just because some nasty thieving types like to try and pick up anything that’s not nailed down.’
Icky sneered. ‘I don’t think he needs to be stolen. He’s been running after me for ages.’
She is so full of herself. ‘Running away from you. Remember, there’s a difference.’
She turned to her dopey friend. ‘It’s pretty clear Finn’s looking for action.’ She looked back at me. ‘He’s obviously fed up of kissing you.’
What the hell? My blood was starting to boil. ‘I know you’re obsessed with me and like to follow me around, Vicky, but I don’t recall you actually being present any time Finn and I have had a private moment.’
‘I don’t need to be; he told me all about it. He said you stopped kissing just to show him a picture of a cat or something.’
It was all I could do not to flinch. How could she know that? Had Finn really told her?