by Candy Harper
Arif swallowed. ‘Honestly, you won’t need to hunt me down. I promise I won’t ever do anything to upset Lily.’
And then he gazed at her with such adoration that I suddenly felt empty inside. I looked around for Finn. He and Josh were balancing on the back of the sofa and pretending to surf. Finn waved. I waved back.
Waving isn’t very soulful, but he did bring me another piece of cake and get Westy to put on my favourite song again. My boyfriend is very sweet.
LATER
There’s something else that happened at the party. Something with Ethan. I wasn’t going to write about it because I’m trying quite hard to forget it, but I have to try and sort out what happened in my head.
He didn’t speak to me for most of the night, which is the first stupid thing he did. I happened to notice that he spoke to a lot of other girls. Which annoyed me. Not because I was jealous or anything, but because it was my birthday party after all.
After Megs had shown me Arif’s photo of Lily, I went out to the hall to put some of my presents with my coat and Ethan was coming down the stairs.
‘Hi,’ I said.
‘Hey, Faith, nice party that you’ve managed to get someone else to organise.’
‘Thanks, I’ll take that as a compliment.’ But I wasn’t sure that it was.
There was an awkward pause.
And then I said something stupid. Maybe I was fishing for a compliment, which was dumb because Ethan is not a big one for compliments. Anyway, the words just slipped out of my mouth. I said, ‘Do you like my dress?’
‘No,’ he said.
Which is a very unkind thing to say to someone on their birthday. I expected him to follow it up with something else rude because Ethan can be pretty cutting sometimes; instead, he looked at me from under his curls and said, ‘But I like you,’ in this really low voice.
My anger died and my heart started thumping.
And then he took a step towards me and I really thought he was going to kiss me. I felt like I was in a film and the music was doing that swelling to a crescendo thing. I looked into his dark eyes and even though I was frozen to the spot everything inside me was leaning towards him.
But he just twisted his mouth into a sort of sulky half-smile and said, ‘Happy Birthday, Faith.’
What on earth? What the hell was that about? I think he did it on purpose just to wind me up. I can only hope that my face didn’t look like I was hoping he’d kiss me.
Even though, I think, I kind of was.
I didn’t see him again after that. I did enjoy my party, I really did, but why did Ethan have to mess with me?
MONDAY 27TH FEBRUARY
Going back to school today has been a nasty shock after all the fun and birthday cake of half-term. Sensible people treat the second half of the term as a gentle slide down to the next holidays. Not Miss Ramsbottom, but then Miss R is not like other sane human beings. She seems to think that our depressing return to school is a time for renewed energy and for starting stuff that I am quite frankly too tired to even be sarcastic about. First, she came round all the tutor groups informing us of the new rules she’s thought up. I managed to block out most of them, but I did hear her mention something about wearing our uniform with pride and not accessorising it.
I said, ‘Not even with a smile?’
She looked daggers at me. ‘Of course you may smile. And if you’re all in the correct uniform then I’m sure that the teachers will be smiling too.’ She attempted to pull her death mask into a grin. I could almost hear her skin ripping. As smiles go, it was pretty thin.
But the one that Mrs Webber was doing behind her back was fairly broad.
Today’s assembly was all about the Student Council. I didn’t know that we had a Student Council. Judging by their startled bunny looks, as they shuffled about up on stage, they had only recently found out themselves. They seemed a bit stunned. I suspect that Ramsbottom has hypnotised them so that she can use them like puppets. Which is a new and subtle approach for the vampire woman in her manipulation of people. Usually, she just shouts, ‘Do what I say!’
Anyway, the Student Council said that they’re very interested in what we think about the way the school is run and what we’d like to see done.
Then they told us what actually is going to be done.
There didn’t seem to be a consultation period between the two things.
So now that we have these brilliant minds championing the students’ needs and fighting our corner to ensure that the school does its best for every member, what innovative and exciting changes do you think they are bringing about?
We’re getting a suggestion box.
That is democracy for you.
LATER
Tomorrow will be my first time looking after Tolde the Toad. I sidled up to Mum and said, ‘So . . . this childcare business. Just give them a biscuit and build a pen of toys to contain them, is it?’
Mum gave me what she thinks is a piercing look. ‘There’s a bit more to it than that. Think of some games. Try to engage him. Talk about his toys. Ask him questions. Read him a story.’
It suddenly became clear to me why Mary Poppins was always bursting into song. She was obviously insane after spending so much time talking about stuffed animals and being forced to listen to children’s answers to questions.
Mum shook her head. ‘Just play with him and keep positive, all right?’
Sounds simple enough.
TUESDAY 28TH FEBRUARY
After school, Megs walked with me to Skye’s house. On the way, I told her about what happened with Ethan at my birthday party, although, when I told her that I’d thought Ethan was going to kiss me, I tried to sound like I was horrified. Her eyes did a lot of bulging.
‘Why do you think he did that?’ I asked.
‘Dunno, maybe he wanted to snog you.’
‘But there wasn’t any kissing. He never said anything about kissing. It was just that he was right in my face. I think he was trying to make me look like an idiot.’
‘He doesn’t have to get you puckered up for that.’
‘Shut up! I reckon he was just trying to embarrass me.’
‘Either that or he wanted to snog you.’
I was strangely pleased that Megs thought Ethan’s weirdness means he likes me, although I still think he was just messing with me.
We’d reached Skye’s house by this point. I rang the bell and Megs was about to disappear off, but I said, ‘No, wait, you can see her crystal collection when she opens the door and, if we’re lucky, she might let you stay.’
Skye opened the door wearing a rainbow tie-dye jumpsuit. Needless to say, Megs was not looking at the crystal collection.
‘Hello, Faith, is this your friend? Come in, come in!’
Megs backed away. ‘I was just . . .’
‘No, you must stay! Tolde will be delighted to have two playmates! And there’s plenty of goulash in the kitchen for everyone.’
Ha! What could Megs say? We were both swept inside.
Tolde the Toad was sitting in the cupboard under the stairs building a tower of shoes.
‘Isn’t he creative?’ Skye gushed. ‘I don’t like him to have those noisy plastic toys, because children play better with real-world objects, don’t you think?’
‘Mmm,’ I said, as I blocked Toad from jabbing me in the leg with the heel of a sandal.
Skye kissed Tolde’s knotty hair and picked up her raffia basket-bag. ‘I’ll be back around seven. Have fun! Eat goulash! Play, dance, create! Whatever makes Tolde’s heart sing!’
Off she went, slamming the door, which made the whole ancient house sway.
Apparently, what made Toad’s heart sing was for him to continue to jab me in the thigh with various shoes.
When he got bored of the shoes, he threw them down the hallway and started screaming and hammering the floor with his fists.
I looked down at him. His usually pink face was turning bright red. ‘Do something, Megs!’
; Megs looked around for something to distract him with.
She found a pot of bubbles in the sitting room beside a half-eaten banana on the mantelpiece. ‘Look, Tolde!’ Megs said in a soppy voice. ‘Bubbles!’
Fortunately, Toad quite liked the bubbles and ran about smashing them with his favourite shoe.
‘Ahh, look,’ Megs cooed. ‘He loves it when you blow bubbles. He’s so cute.’
I didn’t think he looked cute, but he definitely looked less like a tomato that’s about to explode so I was pretty happy that we’d finally found something he likes. Toddlers are quite demanding. Personally, I only need a skinny cappuccino with cinnamon not chocolate, a selection of magazines and a large plate of doughnuts with most of the sugar brushed off to be happy.
The bubbles kept him busy for a bit. Then feeble Megs ran out of puff and Toad shouted, ‘Ooh ash! Ooh ash!’
‘What’s he saying?’ I asked Megs. ‘I don’t speak baby.’
‘I think he wants some goulash.’
So we sat him in his tall chair and gave him some goulash. Toad hadn’t actually specified what it was that he wanted the goulash for. I assumed it was eating, but, as Skye keeps saying, Toad is a creative child, so instead of eating it, he painted with it. Megs and I watched with appalled fascination while he covered the high chair, his clothes, his face and his arms. Then he got a bit Jackson Pollock and started flinging handfuls on the kitchen floor.
Megs snapped out of her frozen horror and took the bowl away from him. ‘No!’ she said.
I remembered something Skye was banging on about last time I was there. ‘His mum said she doesn’t want to set up barriers to his exploring the world by using negative words like no.’
‘More fool her,’ said Megs, sounding a lot like her own mum.
Toad scrambled down from his chair and started stamping about in the splats of goulash. ‘We’d better clean this up,’ I said.
Megs’s phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket.
‘It’s Cam,’ she said. ‘Do you mind? Will you be all right?’
‘It’s fine. Tolde can help.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, of course. Children need to learn about domestic duties early. My parents should have got me scrubbing the floor when I was tiny, but they were too lazy. It’s all their own fault that I can’t be bothered to help around the house now.’
Megs was already walking out of the room and saying hello to Cameron in a gooey fashion.
I ran the hot tap and started poking about for a cloth; when I turned round, Toady had pulled a packet of muesli out of the cupboard and was flinging handfuls up in the air like confetti. I remembered what my mum said about keeping it positive.
‘There’s a good boy,’ I said. ‘You’re a good boy, aren’t you? Put the muesli back—’
He tipped the packet upside down.
By the time I’d found the dustpan and brush, he’d managed to grab his beaker of milk off the table and pour it on the floor. I snatched up a tea towel and tried to stop the rush of milk towards the rug.
‘Never mind,’ I said through gritted teeth because I was remembering to be positive. ‘We’ll just sing a song, shall we? Five little ducks went swimming one day . . .’
I gave Toad a saucepan to play with and started on the blobs of goulash. Toad opened a cupboard and reached for the crockery. I abandoned the mucky floor and snatched one of Skye’s hand-thrown pots out of his grubby fist. While I was putting it back, he dropped on all fours and started crawling through the remains of the milk puddle. What I needed was some of those calming bubbles.
‘Megs!’ I called. ‘If you’ve finished your lovey-dovey chat, I could do with some magic bubbles in here.’
‘Come on then, Toady,’ I said, scooping him up. ‘Let’s keep cheerful . . . Ah!’ Tolde had grabbed a handful of hair on either side of my face and was attempting to pull my head apart like a Christmas cracker.
‘Megs! Can you bring the bubbles?’
I picked up a wooden spoon and danced it about like a puppet. ‘Hello, Tolde! I’m Mr Spoon. Why don’t you let go of that hair and—’
Toad snatched the spoon and whacked me in the mouth with it.
‘Megan! I need you to distract Tolde with the bubbles while I clean up.’
The sink was overflowing; I took a step towards it and skidded on a lump of goulash. Toad almost went flying out of my arms. I may have sworn a tiny bit at that point, which Toad must have disapproved of because he started howling.
‘La-la-la! Ducky ducks!’ I sang. ‘MEGS! GET IN HERE NOW AND BLOW ME SOME PIGGING BUBBLES!’
And that’s when I realised that Finn was standing in the doorway.
LATER
If I found someone attempting to clean up a very goulashy kitchen and child, I like to think that I would do something helpful like scrub one of them down or, at the very least, go and buy some emergency chocolate. I would not start banging on about how it’s ‘not cool’ to swear in front of kids.
LATER STILL
I wasn’t so cross with his comment that I didn’t notice that Finn was looking super fine in a new blue top, but I’ve got to admit that I can think of people I’d rather see in an emergency.
WEDNESDAY 29TH FEBRUARY
At breakfast I said, ‘Today is a leap day, which means a free day to do whatever you like with.’
Mum looked at me blankly.
‘You don’t normally get a twenty-ninth of February, do you?’ I pointed out. ‘So we should all count it as a gift of extra time to do something to gladden our hearts and make our spirits soar.’ I stood up. ‘So I’ll be returning to bed with this . . .’ I picked up the Coco Pops packet, ‘and this . . .’ I reached out for the tiny kitchen TV.
‘Oh no you don’t,’ Mum snapped. ‘Leap day or not, it’s business as usual. You’re going to school.’
I shook my head sadly. ‘For a woman who claims to be at one with the world, I’m not sure that you listen very carefully to what Mother Nature wants for her children. Surely you agree that I ought to be out frolicking in the wild, not cooped up in a prison-like classroom? I need to feel the wind on my face and the earth between my toes.’
Mum took the Coco Pops out of my hand. ‘You can walk to school in bare feet if you like.’
I think it’s about time I threatened to call a social worker again.
MARCH
THURSDAY 1ST MARCH
We had the first meeting of the debating club today. Lots of people came. The news about boys being in attendance had obviously spread like wildfire. In a way it’s nice to think that my ideas are so successful, but on the other hand I wish that the Year Elevens would find their own methods of getting near boys. Thank goodness we’re safe from the St Minger’s here. But unfortunately not from Icky, who was there early, strutting about the room. It’s sad that she feels that she’s got to keep thrusting herself in people’s faces to remind them that she exists.
As if anyone could forget that monstrosity.
I was pleased to see that Ethan, Cam, Elliot and Westy had all turned up. Then I spotted Finn and my little heart leapt. Even though I spent quite a lot of time explaining debating, he hadn’t seemed that keen when I invited him, so I was touched that he had turned up. Obviously, he does want to support me in my activities, which is nice. I also noticed a lot of envious looks from the Year Elevens when he greeted me enthusiastically, which was even nicer. I was less thrilled when I got distracted talking to Megs and Finn wandered off to say hello to almost everyone in the room. He seems to know a lot of girls. ‘Does he have to be so friendly?’ I said to Megs.
‘I thought you told me that was one of the things you like about him. Would you rather he was surly and stand-offish?’
I only gave her a small wallop because I was watching Ethan talk to Becky. I hadn’t seen him since he managed to both insult me and nearly kiss me at my party. He nodded hello to me when the boys came in, but he didn’t say anything. He seemed to have plenty to say to Becky. I didn
’t think they even knew each other that well.
Mrs Lloyd-Winterson went to the front of the classroom and waited for silence. She was pretty good at it. I wish I could achieve the same sort of quiet just by looking at Toady. She thanked us all for coming and told us what a super time we were all going to have, and then she explained about the debating.
‘Every week we’ll have two motions.’
‘What’s a motion?’ Cam called out.
‘Shh,’ Westy said in a really loud voice. ‘It’s what you do in the bathroom.’
‘What? Have a bath?’
‘No, you idiot, have a poo.’
‘The motion,’ said Mrs Lloyd-Winterson in her best icy tone, ‘is the issue we will be discussing. For example, I might say “Teenage boys are ill-mannered” then one team would propose the motion, that is, agree with it, and the other team would oppose it, that is, disagree with it. Each team is made up of two people.’ She cast her beady eye round the room. ‘Looking at how marvellously popular this endeavour is, I think that each person will have the opportunity to debate once a term. That means you’ll really be able to throw yourselves into it.’
‘What do we do on all the weeks our team isn’t arguing, I mean debating?’ someone asked.
‘Then you will be the audience. Which is a vital part of the whole process; your votes will decide the winners.’
‘Shall we get into pairs, Mrs Lloyd-Winterson?’ I asked. I took a firm grip on Megs’s wrist just to be sure of her.
‘Well, yes—’
Before she’d even got the words out, people were grabbing at their besties.
‘Oh no,’ said Mrs Lloyd-Winterson. ‘Oh no, that won’t do.’
‘What won’t?’ Westy asked, while tucking Elliot under his arm for safe keeping.
Mrs Lloyd-Winterson put her hands on her hips. ‘I don’t think we’ll have you pairing up with your friends.’
My heart plummeted. She wasn’t one of those evil teachers that thinks you do your best work when you’re forced to partner up with your enemy, was she?